Ex dumped me because I was too fat

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  • Hildy_J
    Hildy_J Posts: 1,050 Member
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    I think a lot of what's bothering me is trying to figure out what in the world his reasoning is.

    There's a book on it by Lundy Bancroft: ''Why does he do that?' - Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'.

    The short answer is that it affords him power and freedom from responsibility.

    Best £10 I ever spent. :-)

    ALSO to:
    why you would put yourself and more importantly, KEEP YOURSELF in that situation on a daily basis?
    This implies YOU wouldn't? Google 'Stockholm Syndrome'. It's important to educate yourself before passing judgment. I don't mean to be harsh but it's not a helpful question to a victim of abuse. The only person responsible for his behaviour is him. Sorry but there it is.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
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    So sorry you had to go through that sweetie. Don't feel like a moron for putting up with an emotional and physical abuser for so long because you loved him and thought you could make it work. More women have been in that position than you think, including myself. Never let a man make you feel like you are worthless. I know it is easy to keep asking what you could have done better, but really he is just a scared, insecure, childish prick who hates himself and has to tear down others to make himself feel better by comparison. I had to learn to get angry and use that rage to fuel my motivation to make my life better with school, family, health, etc. It was hard for me because sweetness comes much easier to me than rage, and you seem to be pretty similar in that area. The positive side of this is that now you can focus on yourself, and also you know what red flags to look for if you see them in future relationships. And trust me, RUN like hell when you see them. No love feels better than self love! Good luck with everything! :)
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
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    I totally understand why you want to know WHY. I was in an abusive relationship when I was very young. Afterwards I struggled for years with wanting to know WHY. Why would someone treat another person this way? This book helped me understand the psychology of disturbed people like that, it's titled Controlling People by Patricia Evans:
    http://www.patriciaevans.com/book3.html

    You need to ask another WHY. Why did you allow this? Recognize that there were 2 disturbed people in this relationship, you were also disturbed. Only a deeply troubled person would allow someone to force-feed them and abuse them in other ways. I strongly urge you to seek counseling to get at the root of your low self esteem and also help you to recover from this experience. I hate to say it but without therapy you are likely to find another abuser and keep repeating being victimized throughout your life.
  • darrensurrey
    darrensurrey Posts: 3,942 Member
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    For 4 years? Wowsers.

    Anyway, sounds like you got lucky in the end if he dumped you. Time to MFP and be the lass he wants you to be then turn him down when he asks you out again.

    PS He has psychological issues.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,473 Member
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    well, lose the weight, and go pick a real hottie up and show him,!!
    you can do it!!!!
    GO!
  • hannahlclrk
    hannahlclrk Posts: 66 Member
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    it sounds like hes the one with issues not you- don't let someone from your past project there issues on to your future. your better than that. your a beautiful young lady and I'm sure that you will come through this.

    Stay strong, learn to enjoy eating healthy and excersizing, learn to be you again and I'm sure, in time, you'll meet someone supportive, loving and caring!

    Good luck your doing the right thing xxxx
  • steve2kay
    steve2kay Posts: 194 Member
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    Well done for having the courage to get out when you did - I can imagine that would have been hard. But, imagine how awful it would be another year or two down the line - or how tied you'd feel if you'd bought a place together, had kids etc. It was a good escape.

    Find a different gym, go to different places, find a different social scene, make different friends, get a healthier life both physically and mentally. Move on, life's actually pretty fun when you aren't surrounded by knobs.
  • suzyfj8
    suzyfj8 Posts: 257 Member
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    Your story really affected me because I was in a similar situation to you, I started dating a guy 7 years ago and I wasn't slim but I was healthy, but then he would literally feed me up with takeaways and fast food and at the same time would compare me to other girls saying how thin they were and how fat I was, he would constantly put me down. And yet like you I accepted it even when I knew he was cheating on me! After 3.5 years after so much mental abuse (and gaining 5 stone or 70lbs) he finally got physical and that is when I left, as no matter how low my self esteem is I know that when a guy hits you, you should leave.
    Anyways it has taken me years and a few more bad relationships to get to a happy place, I have lost 85lbs and have gained my confidence back (and now in a better and healthy relationship). So I guess my advice is that you deserve you much better, I know it won't be easy but please don't take him back, you will be fine. Pick yourself up, it will make you so much more stronger, start looking after your body as again you deserve it. Exercise and healthy eating will make you feel better, and you will get there I promise, I did :)
  • RosieQ19
    RosieQ19 Posts: 13
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    Oh wow :O that is terrible!
    I don't judge you or blame you at all for staying in the relationship, people can't help how they feel. It's a weird situation, to me it seems like he was doing it so he could feel like he 'owned' you. It's so awful that he's destroyed your self confidence, but you are a beautiful person and now that you're not with him so many doors have opened back up for you. Take your time with the weight loss, I know it can be difficult especially if you want fast results, but if you take it easy you'll start to really love what you're doing and it can become not just something to do until you lose the weight, but a great lifestyle.

    I'm sure you will do great, and there are always people rooting for you on MFP :) good luck!
  • Hayaa79
    Hayaa79 Posts: 458 Member
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    To be honest I would have more rage than anything and let it fuel me to get back into shape!!! Sometimes there is no better feeling than seeing the look on an exes face than showing them up!!! Call it immature or whatever but in those moments I just think to myself, Yep I won!


    yesss thisss rage must fuel ur intentions :)
  • GettingMooreInShape
    GettingMooreInShape Posts: 80 Member
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    Cut all ties with him. You don't deserve that.. nobody deserves that kind of treatment.
    Don't talk to him, block him from social media accounts, cut him completely out of your life so you can start fresh.
    And I'd definitely recommend seeing a therapist. I mean it. Abuse is a terrible thing (even if you believe it's trivial right now or you believe you have things under control) and resentment can build up over years then your emotions can come crashing down at all once. Please please talk to a professional about this.. they are there for a reason.

    Take care of yourself! **Hugs**
  • Darkaller
    Darkaller Posts: 317 Member
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    Holy cow! You are so much better off without that abusive nut. He deserves everything that karma gives him in return for treating you in such a callous manner. Also, try not to think of it as a diet but getting your life back. You are taking back control of your life and don't need some evil person to manipulate you. Having the ability to control yourself is extremely empowering and leaks out into all aspects of your life. You are a unique and beautiful person which is probably why he was with you. You don't need to waste your special self on him or anyone who will try to destroy that because they are insecure, stupid, or just plain mean.
  • ekz13
    ekz13 Posts: 725 Member
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    I want to stay motivated, but I have no idea how to

    you have it right there...

    change WANT to WILL and lose everything after and including the word BUT... and there is your mantra...

    I WILL STAY MOTIVATED...

    and then just keep hearing that voice in your head, get up, put your shoes on and go do!... and be successful too! :drinker:
  • honey_tequila
    honey_tequila Posts: 31 Member
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    I'm totally using rage at an ex to motivate me, and its working wonders on my body :)
  • lawkat
    lawkat Posts: 538 Member
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    First of all, cut all ties with him. You can't be his friend. He will pull you back into his drama and abuse if you continue to allow him in your life. Second, he didn't dump you because you are fat. He dumped you because he has some serious issues that has nothing to do with you. He is a controlling manipulative idiot. he will never let you go unless you let him go.

    Get some therapy to help build up what the last couple of years has done to you.

    As for motivation, you want to be healthy inside and out? Then get up and get moving. Think about how much better you will feel when you exercise and keep track of your food. Focus on making you better. You can do it. Believe in yourself.
  • SkinnyFatAlbert
    SkinnyFatAlbert Posts: 482 Member
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    Tell me more about this pastry you ate.
  • ieshamhc93
    ieshamhc93 Posts: 4
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    He didn't dump you because you were too fat, he did it because he's a grade A sociopath. Forget this controlling abusive *kitten*-hat and move on with your life. He doesn't deserve another thought or second of your time.

    ^This.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    Best revenge is to work at being the hottest, happiest you ever and move on to someone who deserves you. Don't give him anymore power to control your thoughts or become depressed. He's not worth your tears or anymore of your time. :heart:
  • JenniBaby85
    JenniBaby85 Posts: 855 Member
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    I am actually pretty shocked that he did those things to you. Good thing he's gone! You don't need that. Take this time to find yourself and start loving yourself. You are far more valuable than this animal has made you feel. Now is YOUR time. So take what you learned, turn it to motivation and be the best (and healthiest) you that you can be!
  • FourIsCompany
    FourIsCompany Posts: 269 Member
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    And I'm definitely not going back, he's already tried once, and now he's trying to be friends

    DON'T. Leave him behind like a pair of old and uncomfortable shoes. You don't need ANY part of what he's got to give in your life.
    I think a lot of what's bothering me is trying to figure out what in the world his reasoning is.

    STOP trying to figure him out. He's clearly got some serious issues. What he did to you is ALL about him and his problems. It really has nothing to do with you. You were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Run, don't walk, away from this guy. He can't be reasoned with or reasoned at all. He's an UNREASONABLE person. Stop wracking your brain. Let it go and move on.

    Hugs to you... :flowerforyou:

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