Husband not supportive

SoDamnHungry · October 2013

Time to call a domestic abuse hotline and discuss it with them. This is more serious that your original post led people to believe.

AbstractAsterism · October 2013

Ok, if he's that controlling and threatening to call the cops on you just for leaving the house, he needs serious help. If you have a place to stay *WITH YOUR SON* then get there. You can call his command and tell them everything he has said/done at home and he needs help. Yes, it could jeopardize his career, but you're in danger right now. They will make him get counselling. I'd notify the police that he's made these threats to you, and write down EVERYTHING controlling and abusing he says to you.

This is emotional abuse, plain and simple.

stephysd · October 2013

I agree with everyone that has recommended that you get counseling. Is there any chance that your husband has served a deployment overseas? What you described is my husband to a 'T' for the past 8 years of our relationship. I finally said enough to the abuse and gave him the option of counseling or leaving. He agreed to counseling and going into the VA and we have finally got him diagnosed with PTSD and on medication to help with his depression and anxiety from his year deployment in Iraq.

We did marriage counseling through the VA until he could no longer stand our counselor, which the guy wasn't my favorite either. He currently goes to counseling for just himself and occasionally I will tag along to chat with her and let her know how things are going. That is what is currently working for us.

I did individual counseling through the Vet Center. They are not assocatied with the VA, but it is a free service for veterans, their spouses & children, and even extended family such as parents or siblings. Your husband will have to go and sign a form stating that he is with the army/veteran and that you are his wife for you to able to partake in the services. If you can get him to that is a wonderful and free opportunity for you. Here is a link for their website and information. http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/
Another great source if your husband is a vet that might help you understand why he is acting the way he is a book titled, Tears of a Warrior. Link for Amazon so you can see what the book looks like: http://www.amazon.com/Tears-Warrior-Familys-Combat-Living/dp/0615213170/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380651761&sr=8-1-fkmr1&keywords=vet+story+about+ptsd
Me and my husband read this book together after we started counseling. It was wonderful because it gave him a chance to talk about how he felt as he stated this book described his thoughts and emotions perfectly, but that he could never articulate. It was wonderful from the wife perspective as it helped me explain to him the way that you treated me and our sons without a whole bunch of yelling happening. It was a huge turning point in our marriage after reading this book.

In the end, you need to take control of your life. You are going to have to do what is right for you and your son, and if your husband can not control his 'drill sergeant' ways then you are going to need to step up and decide what is best for you two. For me and my two sons, it was leaving home for a month and not telling my husband where we were. It took losing his family for him to understand what he had and agree to get his anger under control. My husband never hit us. But his words were a constant slap in the face. I watched my sons be scared to death of their father to the point when he would enter the room they would exit as quietly and quickly as they could to make sure they would not upset him or have an outburst. I finally got tired of walking on eggshells and could no longer be the wall that tried to protect my sons from my husband's anger as I finally had to admit that I was not doing it anyway. They heard and saw everything. Your son is already picking up on things you it is your responsibility that you protect him the best that you can, even if it means protecting him from his father.

frommetobetterme · October 2013

This changes the game. If he was just a yeller, I'd say he was mentally abusive but that you should talk to him and try to get therapy. Given his occupation, he is at a higher risk of mental issues that need to be taken care of when they arise. If he is basically holding you captive, it's gotten to a level where if I were you, I would become scared for my safety. They must have therapists at the base, get him to talk to someone, talk to him about your relationship and how it makes you feel.

If he doesn't listen and is not receptive, it is time for you to leave that situation. I am afraid for you that it is just a matter of time before he gets physically violent with you.

I agree with others that this is more than can be handled on a weight loss forum. Seek help, from people at the base, from family, from a shelter if he won't listen to your concerns.... In my opinion, if he won't get help, it doesn't matter how much you love him (if that's your reason for staying). The most important thing in your world right now shouldn't be your weight loss, it should be the safety of your child, your safety, and your mental health (because his attitude will wear on you and affect you for the worst) and his.

rml_16 · October 2013

Um ...

Either you have lived this so long that you think this is normal and OK behavior or you're trolling. I'm assuming it's the former.

You have a serious, serious, serious problem and it isn't your weight.

Has you husband been deployed to a war zone? I'm hoping this is a result of mental trauma, in which case you need to alert his CO and get him help.

And if not, and he's just an abusive creep, get out of their and get your SON out of there NOW.

Sarahndipity30 · October 2013

Umm..what? Why are you with him if he is this controllin gof you??...you already know what you need to do. you just don't want to hear it. You have to do what is best for you. Why would anyone want to stay with a controlling man like this who doesn't want whats best for you and your health. sounds like he has some serious self-esteem issues himself. get out is my opinion.

MercenaryNoetic26 · October 2013

Okay, now that ish sounds cray. RUN! Why would you stay with someone like that? Do you see what a hold he has on you? Snap out of it. He doesn't want you to be happy :noway:

walkinthedogs · October 2013

Are you afraid of him because of what he'll do to you? I don't think this is about weight loss. I think this is about self preservation and if what I think you are trying to portray here is accurate, you need to get some distance and work on your relationship or just get the hell out. If he is truly abusive, it will not change, you will not change him and if he doesn't get help you will be miserable for the rest of your life and possibly dead. If he is that controlling, it will not end there. This is not about a Husband not supportive, this sounds like a Husband who is controlling and abusive. "Idon't get to go grocery shopping?" REALLY. That's a problem. The words you choose to use there, are really saying, He controls my every movement. That is a problem!!!

mmouse90 · October 2013

1. Notify his chain of command of his behavior while he is at work and not home and 2 leave after making that call. Do not go back

robertlugg · October 2013

Lehan. I hope you are still reading these messages

I would like to suggest the following book:
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step/dp/0452275350

I know it doesn't seem related to your post, but I am fairly certain that it would be helpful.

Hang in there. Everyone deserves more than that.

Miepke99 · October 2013

As other people already stated before me: Get the hell out of there and take your son with you. Don't worry about your weight loss for now. It's only a matter of time before he gets physically abusive towards you and/or your son, if it isn't already too late. You don't have to go through this. This is abuse and it's unacceptable.

stephysd · October 2013

^^^THIS^^^
Get out now. Pack a bag for you and your son. Do you have family nearby? If so, call them let them know what is going on and have them come and get you immediately! If you do not and you are not able to get out of your house, then call the police to have them help you get out.

You and your husband can try to work out the problems on a neutral ground with a third party there to make sure that you stay safe. You need to stand up and take control of your life and your son's life. I let my husband abuse us for years stating that this wasn't the real him and he would get better. Until he realizes that you are strong enough and know that you do not need him or the crap he puts you through it will continue and it will get worse.

I spent 8 years of verbal abuse, to have it slowly go to him driving out of control while I was in the vehicle to scare me, to having him grab my arms to not walk away, to the final straw of him screaming in front of our children, destroying a door to the bedroom where I tried to barricade ourselves in, stealing the phone from me so I could not call for help, and then continue to destroy the kitchen. I believed that someday my husband would wake up out of the fog he was in and everything would be better. I would have my old "Cody" back. Instead it took me leaving and not coming back for him to realize that he had a problem and needed help.

YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOU AND YOUR SON IMMEDIATELY!!!! GET OUT AND GET HELP FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.

lejla2002 · October 2013

:flowerforyou:

sounds like he has something else bothering him and takes it out on you, i would try talking to him and if it doesn't work then consuling, if he is against that too then, i would just do what makes me feel good, and if he loves you enough then he'll come around, hope it works out

YouMadBro8281 · October 2013

Hmm..and you want to marry this guy? .....I would go through his Chain of Command then let him see who the real tough guy is.......I honestly hate dudes like this.

PennyM140 · October 2013

ok, I was about to defend him until I read this. Usually when someone is on here *****ing about their spouse I just roll my eyes and think well there are two sides to every story. If you are ACTUALLY being abused you need to get help or just leave. Yes, easier said than done.
Are you truly looking for advice or just looking to vent? Are you ready to make a change by getting help or getting out?

Mia_RagazzaTosta · October 2013

This goes above and beyond "my husband is not supportive." WAAAAAAAAAAY beyond.

PJ64 · October 2013

My wife tried to sabotage me. I just kept doing my own thing and going to the gym on my own time. I made sure it never interfered with any family time, so she couldn't throw that in my face.

Also if you want to take your kid to the park, take him! who says you need to have hubby along, eventually he will want to go also or maybe your kid will ask him why he doesn't go with you. I know some bases have family fit prgrams for toddlers & new moms, so maybe check the fitness center at your base (or post, I'm retired Air Force)

I know the Army wont put up with him being out of shape, especially now with the military wanting to get rid of people, so maybe fear of being booted out will motivate him?

kristen6022 · October 2013

Somehow, this went from your husband not being supportive to a case of abuse?

Your profile says you JUST recently got married? You obviously had a child with him before you got married. You knew him and his tendancies? I question why you married him?

Sounds like you have bigger fish to fry than losing weight and finding motivation. This forum isn't the place to find a way out, if that's what you feel you need. You are WAY too young to deal with that for the rest of your life.

Now, if it was me, I'd tell him to go stick it and go do what I want anyway. What's calling the cops going to do when you leave the house? What's he going to tell them "My wife went grocery shopping when I told her not to"? Seriously?

I really have nothing more to add. If it's a case of abuse, get out and take your son with you. If it's just an other excuse why you aren't motivated, then get motivated. The answer seems pretty clear to me.

lauren3101 · October 2013

I really, really hope that you are trolling. Because if you aren't, then what you've said is worrying. Not just his abuse, but the way you speak about it without any acknowledgment that he's doing something wrong, as though it's totally acceptable. Calling yourself a fat slob is only reiterating that.

Not all abuse is physical. If you can't do what's best for you, do what's best for your son and get out of there. You do not want your son growing up seeing daddy yell at mummy all the time and think that's normal. Or worse still, him suffering like you do.

Alex_is_Hawks · October 2013

if this is real, you need to go and get some counselling.

either for you or the both of you....

this CAN be fixed but ONLY if he is amenable to fixing it with you. This can end without you having to leave him, but you may have to leave him for a while to ensure you get what you need: A healthy loving relationship. But as long as you accept this way of life from him, he has no reason to change and as it stands this is abusive.

this is not the time to bluff, nor pretend this isn't serious.

don't worry about the working out, it will come. As you get healthier in mind, body and spirit you will have more to give, and any counselling you attend will recommend ways for you as a family (or as a single mom) to connect with the world and look after you (especially physically as physical people are usually happier people and more well adjusted)

but you need help...and it's not just motivation to work out.

bLui_bella · October 2013

Agreed... Just got out of a seven year marriage that sounded just like this, only difference is he would hit me and I was his slave in the house and kitchen while he slept on the couch cause he was passed out on drugs. Not worth wasting yours and your sons time over him. I wasted 10 years of my life and now have to start over with 2 small children alone.

WeepingAngel81 · October 2013

I agree with this! It's a huge game changer! The only thing that will happen if he calls the cops is that his own mental stability will be called into question. I don't know military terms becuase I'm not associated, but my sister is a military wife. Her husband is somewhere up there in the army ranks. He had a guy who was abusive to his wife, wife called my brother-in-law, brother-in-law stepped in to handle the situation. From what I understand, when it comes to the military superior officers are there to guide their men and woman in all aspects of life, and abuse is not top be tolerated (though I know this isn't always the case) Perhaps you should start by getting in touch with whoever he reports to.

Camera_BagintheUK · October 2013

This isn't normal behaviour. There's something wrong with him. Look after yourself. Please. :flowerforyou:

melybelyc · October 2013

The only one that can take care of you is you. You owe it to your son to take care of his Mamma. If you are going to get yelled at or discouraged for everything you do, then you may as well go ahead and live the healthy way. Stay in the positive - don't let anyone be responsible for your happiness but you. You can do this. I also have asthma, bad knees, and a back/neck injury from an old car accident. I push play 5 - 6 days a week, every week because I want to be alive for my son. He is my motivation every day and it couldn't get any better than that! You can do this - just believe!

Grimmerick · October 2013

So you guys just got married last month? And how long has he been like this to you?

LePetitCochon · October 2013

:noway:

ladymiseryali · October 2013

OP, if this is a big lie, you should be ashamed of yourself. There are REAL women out there who get abused by their partners. To mock them is in bad taste and makes you look like the biggest c*nt on the planet.

IF this is a real post and a cry for help, we can't help you. ONLY YOU can help you and that's by packing up you and your son and leaving this little boy who calls himself your husband. Has he always been this abusive? Did you marry him because he knocked you up or did you think you could change him for the better? Either way, you made a terrible choice in a mate and you need to leave ASAP. Do you want your son to grow up and treat women like garbage because daddy does? Or do you want your son to grow up and treat women and others with respect and kindness?

chantelp0508 · October 2013

I have no advice, just hugs, thoughts, and prayers

Wildflower0106 · October 2013

tjl2329 · October 2013

Ok so first off my husband eats everything and anything. I can't due to health reasons. I would eat if myvhusband cooked. Nothing wrong with eating what's prepared for you. However eat a salad also. Eat a small portion of food. And a large portion of salad. You could also add o ther vegetables or fruit. Your decision isn't his. Let him eat what he wants. Been doing this fpr almost a year now and my husband is just now being supportive. Probably because I've lost 60 lbs and he doesn't want me to weigh less than him. Its already happend. Giving yourvson fresh fruits and vegtables is a good way to have a balanced diet. Activities should be planned andyou should go with or without him. My husband was a complete jerk but now he knows he can join me or sit h;ome and play battlefield. Which do you think he choses. Not me its ok though. Sit down have a serious talk and tell him why you are doing it. Don't push him. Let him join ypu if and when he's ready. Oh and after a while he will pro;bably go along. Mine does. Just took some time. Do this for yourself. Be strong and, take a stand. We are in charge of our body and we are responsible for the choices we make.

Husband not supportive

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