Boyfriend always too skinny and doesn't try to gain weight

pabbit

If he is happy with his body, then that's all that should matter. If you don't like him the way he is, break up and find someone else.

Why try to change someone? Especially when there is really nothing wrong.

True words. I've had a problem with trying to achieve certain ideals such that when they are not realized, I get really freaked out or worried or hard on myself.

I really have to stop projecting my fears on others.

pabbit

Stay positive and focus on the good.

*nods*

DamePiglet

Touji

I used to be really fat back in undergrad (borderline morbidly obese), but now I am a pretty healthy weight since I started to eat less and exercise more. I still am restrictive on what I eat, and I am trying to tell myself to try harder when I feel I ate a little too much. I suffered a bit from weight gain the past year, but now I'm trying to change my mindset to say its okay to gain a weight as muscle here and there because it looks good on me.

One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my fat girlfriend. She is about 5'5" and around 150lbs. She has varied very little around 150 lbs ever since high school. She tells me that no matter what she did in high school, she never got any lighter She said she played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the girls. I look at her wrists and arms and notice that they are about as big as mine. Her wrists are a little bigger than mine.

I really want her to eat more and work out so she can blose weight. I mean, what boyfriend doesn't want a kinda skinny girlfriend?

Read that quote edited to sound like a fit guy talking about his more heavy (but still healthy) girlfriend to realize that you sound like a horrible human being.

kittenful

Thank everyone. I actually needed all that straight talk.

I've thought about this for a long time and have several arguments/discussions with myself:
1) He is who he is and I can't change him. If I love him, I should not change him because it is he whom I love
2) I thought many times that I have been mean and pushy to him because of my insecurities and that he deserves someone better.
3) I talked to him many times and I've been trying to reign in my desire to make him eat/exercise more, but it would be nice if both of us were trying to adjust to make things work out
4) I know I'm being selfish and he's being nice, which then makes me hate myself after for telling him how I feel or after being pushy. It's a constant downward spiral, because I often guilt myself more than I should.

It will be a slow process, just like the process of changing my mindset about eating, but I will have to overcome my insecurities and return to loving him as he is again.

It's okay to have insecurities, but it's not okay to let them rule you. Work on them. It takes a lot of time and effort, but it's definitely worth it. Stay honest, with yourself and with your boyfriend.

LiftAllThePizzas

In to find out how to bulk up my wrists. (And ankles too.)

commodus192

My girlfriend is Dominican, but I really want her to be Asian. I keep telling her to eat more foods that are traditionally asian, but she just won't. How can I make her Asian if she won't listen or try? It's not fair because I used to be Hispanic, and am now am Anglo Saxon. Help!

1ZenGirl

You are dating someone who is OK with his body. Most people would love to have that self acceptance. You are making it about you.

pabbit

[quote[
Read that quote edited to sound like a fit guy talking about his more heavy (but still healthy) girlfriend to realize that you sound like a horrible human being
[/quote]
...
Thanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.

Amadbro

I'm bulking...wanna hook up?

kdeaux1959

You cannot force someone to do something they don't want to. It has to come from within them.

Focus on yourself. Be healthy and maybe he will get inspired from you. But, if you push him too much, he will be bitter about it.

Also, you cannot use him not eating as an excuse for something that is holding you back. Especially with a history of eating disorders, you have to do it for yourself and heal from within first.

Stay positive and focus on the good.

^^^Good advice -- as long as he is not harming himself --- some of us prefer different body types... As long as he is not at a dangerous level then I would not worry about it; just love him for who he is and focus on yourself -- I say this with this one caveat... He IS near the bottom end of his IBW range -- 19.1 is a pretty low BMI, especially for a man. Encouraging him to eat is not a bad thing-- just don't overdo it so as to push him away. Best wishes.

Amadbro

Maybe he likes to wear your dresses when you're not around

I about died..for real...

kdeaux1959

Thank everyone. I actually needed all that straight talk.

I've thought about this for a long time and have several arguments/discussions with myself:
1) He is who he is and I can't change him. If I love him, I should not change him because it is he whom I love
2) I thought many times that I have been mean and pushy to him because of my insecurities and that he deserves someone better.
3) I talked to him many times and I've been trying to reign in my desire to make him eat/exercise more, but it would be nice if both of us were trying to adjust to make things work out
4) I know I'm being selfish and he's being nice, which then makes me hate myself after for telling him how I feel or after being pushy. It's a constant downward spiral, because I often guilt myself more than I should.

^^^Perhaps, here we find a great insight... You really have to accept yourself. Focus on you.


It will be a slow process, just like the process of changing my mindset about eating, but I will have to overcome my insecurities and return to loving him as he is again.

nikilis

he's always been 115, so hes not losing weight. sounds like you want someone else. he's not the buff guy in your head, so why don't you stop trying to change him like your married and move on.

you knew what he was like when you got together, why should he change for you just because your needs changed.

youre like "uuh, stop being you, skinny boy, stop playing computer games and doing things that you enjoy and do what I want. STOP BEING YOU!"

Amadbro

On a more serious note and not to beat a dead horse but it sounds like he just isn't into fitness. If you arn't attracted to him and know he isn't going to change for himself at least then you should leave him. I hate sounding so blunt but I would never be with someone I wasn't attracted to.

ryske

I like lamp.

But it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is fine the way he is unless he wants to change.

LosingExtraKristy

Maybe he is happy with who he is. Sure, having buff guy is nice...but maybe that's not what he wants. You can't make him do it. Just worry about you. That is all you can really do.

LosingExtraKristy

[quote[
Read that quote edited to sound like a fit guy talking about his more heavy (but still healthy) girlfriend to realize that you sound like a horrible human being

...
Thanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.
[/quote]

It falls under the "truth hurts" category. We don't want to look at ourselves that way, and while I'm not calling you a horrible person, it is kind of the reverse of what you were saying. He's OK with himself, and that is good. Imagine how you would feel if he was doing this to you. You'd probably really feel awful. Let him be. Work on the things you can change, like yourself.

DopeItUp

I assume you're trolling with this thread but just in case you aren't, I'm going to assume that you're very young instead.

I hate being like a mom for him, but I feel like if I don't shove food in front of his face, or buy certain foods for him or make big meals, he wouldn't eat a lot. It nags me so bad because I am the girlfriend, not his caretaker or his momma.

Then don't. Being a nag will achieve the opposite effect that you desire. You will learn this better as you get older. Especially after you drive people off for no good reason.

ThePlight

Maybe he likes to wear your dresses when you're not around

Geeee, there goes my shake! I've just spit it out laughing lol. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

karl39x

If he wants to live with twigs for arm for the rest of his life then let him, and if you don't like it find someone.

jennifer_417

nvm

Herbalife_KC

As a health coach I would NEVER tell my husband to exercise or lose/gain weight. He needs to want it on his own and whatever he decides, you should accept it AND encourage it. That is what a partner does! You cannot change who he is to satisfy your fantasy of a perfect man. Don't push it and don't get angry about it. Don't mother him to eat, I'm sure that gets annoying! He's a grown man and will realize, OH I'm hungry! Wait for the day he asks you for a sandwich, and when he does you make him his sandwich!... I am all for gaining weight but that's needs to be what HE wants.

padams2359

I must say, people are being kinder to you than if say, it was your in shape boyfriend on a chat site saying that you are over weight and he wants you to lose weight and get healthy for him. It's the same thing.

Has he said things about how you should change you?

Otterluv

Break up because your boyfriend deserves someone who will accept him as he is.

Trying to change people against their will is not cool...nor is trying to shape them into your ideal.

Yep. You throw in here and there that it's "for his health", but your real reasons are pretty dang clear.

If you want a buff boyfriend more than you want the man you are with, then suck it up and make that choice. But, at least own up to what it is you are doing.

astronomicals

She wants the D

Hauntinglyfit

I am with you OP.

I want my boyfriend to grow a bigger penis, and to spend more money on me because of health reasons.
If that doesn't happen in 2 weeks I am leaving him, because it's just unfair for me to have to put up with his selfish behavior.

lil_lizt

He's obviously happy as he is so why are you trying to change him? If you really want a 'buff' boyfriend then go and get yourself one and let your boyfriend find someone who'll accept him for who he is. How would you like it if the roles were reversed?

Otterluv

Thank everyone. I actually needed all that straight talk.

I've thought about this for a long time and have several arguments/discussions with myself:
1) He is who he is and I can't change him. If I love him, I should not change him because it is he whom I love
2) I thought many times that I have been mean and pushy to him because of my insecurities and that he deserves someone better.
3) I talked to him many times and I've been trying to reign in my desire to make him eat/exercise more, but it would be nice if both of us were trying to adjust to make things work out
4) I know I'm being selfish and he's being nice, which then makes me hate myself after for telling him how I feel or after being pushy. It's a constant downward spiral, because I often guilt myself more than I should.

It will be a slow process, just like the process of changing my mindset about eating, but I will have to overcome my insecurities and return to loving him as he is again.

I just read this. I think that you may want to seek some professional help in dealing with your insecurities, especially as you have a previous ED.

V0lver

Thank everyone. I actually needed all that straight talk.

I've thought about this for a long time and have several arguments/discussions with myself:
1) He is who he is and I can't change him. If I love him, I should not change him because it is he whom I love
2) I thought many times that I have been mean and pushy to him because of my insecurities and that he deserves someone better.
3) I talked to him many times and I've been trying to reign in my desire to make him eat/exercise more, but it would be nice if both of us were trying to adjust to make things work out
4) I know I'm being selfish and he's being nice, which then makes me hate myself after for telling him how I feel or after being pushy. It's a constant downward spiral, because I often guilt myself more than I should.

It will be a slow process, just like the process of changing my mindset about eating, but I will have to overcome my insecurities and return to loving him as he is again.

Now this is a very mature response on your part Op. It takes a brave person to admit their mistake so solely on that account, I'd say you are a great girlfriend:flowerforyou: