Boyfriend always too skinny and doesn't try to gain weight

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  • losing4799
    losing4799 Posts: 83
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    This has nothing to do with him being a man. It has to be HIS choice to change his lifestyle, not yours.

    If you can't handle him being skinnier than you (your issue, not his) then you need to have that conversation honestly with him.

    this.:indifferent:
  • SuperSexyDork
    SuperSexyDork Posts: 1,669 Member
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    Thank everyone. I actually needed all that straight talk.

    I've thought about this for a long time and have several arguments/discussions with myself:
    1) He is who he is and I can't change him. If I love him, I should not change him because it is he whom I love
    2) I thought many times that I have been mean and pushy to him because of my insecurities and that he deserves someone better.
    3) I talked to him many times and I've been trying to reign in my desire to make him eat/exercise more, but it would be nice if both of us were trying to adjust to make things work out
    4) I know I'm being selfish and he's being nice, which then makes me hate myself after for telling him how I feel or after being pushy. It's a constant downward spiral, because I often guilt myself more than I should.

    It will be a slow process, just like the process of changing my mindset about eating, but I will have to overcome my insecurities and return to loving him as he is again.

    I just read this. I think that you may want to seek some professional help in dealing with your insecurities, especially as you have a previous ED.

    Please this.

    I think you have a long way to go until you're truly over your psychological problems.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
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    Wow.. :noway:
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    Eating disorders are about control more than anything else.

    I find it interesting that as you try to heal from your ED, you are also trying to control your BF's diet. You're just transferring the problem.

    I've had an eating disorder and I've been where you are. You need to let your boyfriend be while you work on your issues. If you can't do that, then you need to let him go for a while. It's not fair for him to be your guinea pig/punching bag while you sort out how to live a healthy life.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend?

    You. Or you wouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place.

    Stop pushing your food and body issues onto someone else and get serious couseling for yourself.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
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    Not that I agree with the OP, cause she is clearly in the wrong, but what's all this natural skinny/fast metabolism talk? According to her he eats ramen for lunch and then eats whatever she makes for dinner; that's not naturally skinny, that's just not eating a lot. If we all ate like that we'd all be skinny too.

    OP is still wrong and it's sad that her eating disorder (which is still an obvious issue) is taking such a toll on her relationship.
  • Matt24442
    Matt24442 Posts: 324
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    Just break up.


    Hmyup
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    You both have a very unhealthy relationship with food, but you more so, because you are trying to have a relationship with his eating habits as well as yours.

    Listen closely, you can NOT change people. He will eat what he wants to eat and do what he wants to do whether you like it or not. You really just need to focus on yourself and stop comparing your body to his. Hello! He is a man and you are a woman... it's like apples and oranges anyway!

    I'm not saying that what he is doing is right for his body, but it's his body and his choice. Make choices for yourself and let him worry about what is best for him. The only thing you can do that might possibly motivate him is to set an example. But in no way, shape, or fashion is nagging, griping, *****ing, or complaining ever going to motivate him to do anything. So just stop.

    Accept the fact that he is going to make choices for himself, and you might not like them.
  • teamAmelia
    teamAmelia Posts: 1,247 Member
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    One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my skinny boyfriend. He is about 5'5" and only 115 lbs. He has varied very little around 115 lbs ever since high school. He tells me that no matter what he did in high school, he never got any heavier. He said he played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the guys. I look at his wrists and arms and notice that they are about as skinny as mine. His wrists are a little thinner than mine.

    Didn't really need to read any further, but yeah, everything else just confirms that you're jealous that he's thinner than you. Leave him alone and focus on your own body.
  • OfficiallySexyVal
    OfficiallySexyVal Posts: 492 Member
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    Your boyfriends size should have nothing to do with your happiness. I have been a single mom for two years now struggling to lose the weight I gained in a previous relationship. Since being single I have lost over 100lbs but have lots more to go.
    I recently started dating a guy who is literally half of my size. He is about 125lbs and 5'7 and I am a little under 250 and at 5'11.

    Yes I would say his eating habits are the same as your boyfriend he very rarely eats and when he does he only eats half of what is on his plate, yes sometimes it bugs me but then I remind myself that this is who he is and what he does and he isn't hurting himself over it so I just let it go. I will say though it has been a great factor for me to lose weight because it does make me more conscious of what I put in my body.

    I say love your boyfriend for who he is skin and bones and all. You liked him for a reason, don't let your insecurities get the best of your relationship.
  • keem88
    keem88 Posts: 1,689 Member
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    that's his decision, if he wants to sit around and not eat then let him do that.
    i know it can be a huge trigger for you and it doesn't help.
    does he know this?
    if he does and he simply doesn't care how it can be affecting you, well then maybe it is time to re-evaluate things.
    how long have you guys been together? and you are not his care taker or his mama. he is a grown *kitten* man and you need to not put on the message that you are his care taker because that will screw things up more.
    speaking from a current experience here.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?

    And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!

    Go to a therapist. The way he eats and looks shouldn't be affecting you. And stop trying to change him. You say it's for his health in one tiny paragraph, but every other thing you say is that you want him to gain weight so he's more appealing to you, so he helps you fight your own battle with anorexia and bulimia, etc. Stop pretending it's for him, and realize you need some help.

    It doesn't sound like he wants you to act like his mom. And you're not acting like one. You're acting like a pushy girlfriend.
  • lewandt
    lewandt Posts: 566
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    You are never going to make someone change. You will drive yourself crazy. He has to want to do it for himself. It's like trying to make someone quit smoking, as much as you want it, they have to want it more.

    If you were overweight and someone told you to lose weight would that motivate your to lose it? Probably not, you would have to want it for yourself.
  • andcowsfly
    andcowsfly Posts: 18 Member
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    If this is how he's been since you started dating, then you can't expect change now. You can try to include him in your activities, eat together, exercise together, etc for motivation, but it'd be different if he was in "shape" when you met him and tried for a different body but the fact is that he wasn't. You can't change people but you can motivate them to be consistent and help them achieve THEIR goals.
  • kowskey
    kowskey Posts: 19 Member
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    Thanks a lot
    I already have low self-esteem
    and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
    there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.

    You aren't a young lady. You are an adult. Part of being an adult is recognizing when you have inappropriate feelings and doing something about them. Sorry.
  • lil_lizt
    lil_lizt Posts: 275 Member
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    If you were overweight and someone told you to lose weight would that motivate your to lose it? Probably not, you would have to want it for yourself.

    I'd probably eat more just to spite them, even I knew they were right lol.
  • SHHitsKaty
    SHHitsKaty Posts: 301
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    I dated a dude who was skinny, too skinny for my taste. I don't like to feel like I am having sex with another woman. So I broke up with him. Problem solved.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Thanks a lot
    I already have low self-esteem
    and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
    there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.

    You aren't a young lady. You are an adult. Part of being an adult is recognizing when you have inappropriate feelings and doing something about them. Sorry.
    She's an adult with serious emotional problems who needs professional therapy. An Internet messgae board is probably not the best place for her to be.
  • LGS1974
    LGS1974 Posts: 26
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    Sorry, but it's a personal choice what you choose to eat or not to eat. He's happy as he is - that's a gift. This is your issue not his.

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