Husband can't be trusted. How many chances should he get?
rck05042013
Posts: 1
Here is my story - looking for honest advice.
April 2013 - One week before our wedding. I was over the moon with excitement and love. I had finally found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He loves me for who I am, he is trustworthy, he makes me finally feel complete. That is how I felt that morning. Until later in the day when I made a shocking discovery.
I was on his computer printing out the name tags to put on the tables at our reception. While they were printing, I went on facebook to respond to a question from our photographer. It was one of those blond moments that I sometimes have because I didn’t even realize that he was logged in under his account. So, when I clicked on messages to find the one from our photographer, I quickly realized that it was his messages I was looking at, not mine. Before I could even log him out to log myself in, I saw a strange message from a woman. The message caught my eye because it was very sexual and direct. I decided to open the message to read the entire thing to see why on earth this woman was sending my soon to be husband this type of message. What I found was shocking. The message began in November of the previous year and went back and forth between the two of them – they had been “sexting” for the 6 months leading up to our wedding. I was shocked and devastated. How could he do this to me? I trusted him so completely.
He was out of town working that day and night, so I couldn’t even confront him. I ended up sending him some text messages to let him know what I found. He didn’t get home until the next day, and when he did, there were a lot of tears and yelling. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. How was I going to marry this man in less than 1 week?
We had a couple of meetings with our wedding officiant to try and figure out what to do. He asked some tough questions and tried to convince us to delay the wedding. Knowing that my family was going to be in town in just 2 days, I couldn’t bring myself to stop the wedding. I knew it would be devastating for the girls and very hard to explain to everybody. I also knew that I was very in love with this man and could eventually move past his bad decisions. I knew that it would take some time, but I could learn to trust him again, so we decided to go on with the wedding.
We saw a counselor for a couple of months after the wedding to learn how to cope with this. Things started to get better. I actually was, in a weird way, thankful that this had happened because it brought us so much closer and we really bonded during the counseling. I saw a different side of him. It brought up a lot of good conversations about how we want our marriage to be. Things were going great. During these conversations with our officiant and our counselor, we made the decision as a couple to not let pornography into our lives. It was something that we occasionally watched together, but we both agreed that it is not healthy and in a way created “blurred lines” for him. We committed to each other that we would never be involved with pornography again. I made it extremely clear that this was his only chance. If I ever found out that he did anything even remotely close to this again, I told him he would “lose me forever.” I was very happy that we had decided to go on with our lives and move past the yuckyness. Every once in a while, I would go on his facebook and check his messages just to make sure that wasn’t anything else I needed to know. I never found anything.
October 26th– I had been away for a business trip for a couple of days earlier in the week. He was acting very strange while I was gone and I had a bad feeling when I got home. For some reason I had a gut wrenching feeling that he was hiding something. Well, my gut was right. While he was working that night, I went on his computer and right away found pornography sites in his internet history. I was devastated. I dug a little further and found that he had been on the site for most of the first night I was gone. From about 6 pm until about 11 pm. To make it worse, I found that he had paid $24 for a private one-on-one web show with one of the porn stars. During this time, he had been texting me how much he missed me, but did he? He seemed like he was plenty entertained and wasn’t really thinking about me at all. I actually felt bad for being gone, how stupid am I?
So, now here I am. I thought I could trust him, but he already betrayed me not even 6 months later. How can he say that I can trust him, but then do something like this so soon after the original blow up?
Here is what is happening now:
1) We have an appointment next week with our counselor to bring him up to date with our situation.
2) He is making appointments with a different counselor to discuss this “porn addiction” he has.
3) I asked him to pay the next 3 months of the mortgage payments on the house (which I normally pay), so that I can put some cash away if I decide that I need to leave. I need to protect myself and the girls.
4) I am not sure if I should give him another chance. I am humiliated and devastated. If I leave him, I never have to worry about him hurting me again. However, I will also miss him so much. It’s a very hard choice for me to make. I am so in love with this man. If we stay together, how will I ever feel comfortable and trust him? It’s not fair to either of us to have to live that way.
5) I am a zombie. Several times a day, I burst into tears uncontrollably. I am trying to hide this from the girls as much as possible. They will be devastated if they find out. I feel like a ticking bomb, I will go off at any second.
6) I can’t focus at work. I am actually typing this at work right now.
7) I worked out my budget and if I leave, I know that I can make it. I would have to go back to apartment living, but I will make it work if I have to. Money will be tight, but I made it before, so I can make it again. My daughters are my number 1 focus.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO
Annnnnnd GO:
April 2013 - One week before our wedding. I was over the moon with excitement and love. I had finally found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He loves me for who I am, he is trustworthy, he makes me finally feel complete. That is how I felt that morning. Until later in the day when I made a shocking discovery.
I was on his computer printing out the name tags to put on the tables at our reception. While they were printing, I went on facebook to respond to a question from our photographer. It was one of those blond moments that I sometimes have because I didn’t even realize that he was logged in under his account. So, when I clicked on messages to find the one from our photographer, I quickly realized that it was his messages I was looking at, not mine. Before I could even log him out to log myself in, I saw a strange message from a woman. The message caught my eye because it was very sexual and direct. I decided to open the message to read the entire thing to see why on earth this woman was sending my soon to be husband this type of message. What I found was shocking. The message began in November of the previous year and went back and forth between the two of them – they had been “sexting” for the 6 months leading up to our wedding. I was shocked and devastated. How could he do this to me? I trusted him so completely.
He was out of town working that day and night, so I couldn’t even confront him. I ended up sending him some text messages to let him know what I found. He didn’t get home until the next day, and when he did, there were a lot of tears and yelling. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. How was I going to marry this man in less than 1 week?
We had a couple of meetings with our wedding officiant to try and figure out what to do. He asked some tough questions and tried to convince us to delay the wedding. Knowing that my family was going to be in town in just 2 days, I couldn’t bring myself to stop the wedding. I knew it would be devastating for the girls and very hard to explain to everybody. I also knew that I was very in love with this man and could eventually move past his bad decisions. I knew that it would take some time, but I could learn to trust him again, so we decided to go on with the wedding.
We saw a counselor for a couple of months after the wedding to learn how to cope with this. Things started to get better. I actually was, in a weird way, thankful that this had happened because it brought us so much closer and we really bonded during the counseling. I saw a different side of him. It brought up a lot of good conversations about how we want our marriage to be. Things were going great. During these conversations with our officiant and our counselor, we made the decision as a couple to not let pornography into our lives. It was something that we occasionally watched together, but we both agreed that it is not healthy and in a way created “blurred lines” for him. We committed to each other that we would never be involved with pornography again. I made it extremely clear that this was his only chance. If I ever found out that he did anything even remotely close to this again, I told him he would “lose me forever.” I was very happy that we had decided to go on with our lives and move past the yuckyness. Every once in a while, I would go on his facebook and check his messages just to make sure that wasn’t anything else I needed to know. I never found anything.
October 26th– I had been away for a business trip for a couple of days earlier in the week. He was acting very strange while I was gone and I had a bad feeling when I got home. For some reason I had a gut wrenching feeling that he was hiding something. Well, my gut was right. While he was working that night, I went on his computer and right away found pornography sites in his internet history. I was devastated. I dug a little further and found that he had been on the site for most of the first night I was gone. From about 6 pm until about 11 pm. To make it worse, I found that he had paid $24 for a private one-on-one web show with one of the porn stars. During this time, he had been texting me how much he missed me, but did he? He seemed like he was plenty entertained and wasn’t really thinking about me at all. I actually felt bad for being gone, how stupid am I?
So, now here I am. I thought I could trust him, but he already betrayed me not even 6 months later. How can he say that I can trust him, but then do something like this so soon after the original blow up?
Here is what is happening now:
1) We have an appointment next week with our counselor to bring him up to date with our situation.
2) He is making appointments with a different counselor to discuss this “porn addiction” he has.
3) I asked him to pay the next 3 months of the mortgage payments on the house (which I normally pay), so that I can put some cash away if I decide that I need to leave. I need to protect myself and the girls.
4) I am not sure if I should give him another chance. I am humiliated and devastated. If I leave him, I never have to worry about him hurting me again. However, I will also miss him so much. It’s a very hard choice for me to make. I am so in love with this man. If we stay together, how will I ever feel comfortable and trust him? It’s not fair to either of us to have to live that way.
5) I am a zombie. Several times a day, I burst into tears uncontrollably. I am trying to hide this from the girls as much as possible. They will be devastated if they find out. I feel like a ticking bomb, I will go off at any second.
6) I can’t focus at work. I am actually typing this at work right now.
7) I worked out my budget and if I leave, I know that I can make it. I would have to go back to apartment living, but I will make it work if I have to. Money will be tight, but I made it before, so I can make it again. My daughters are my number 1 focus.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO
Annnnnnd GO:
0
Replies
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Listen to your husband. he was lonely. thats what guys do when they're lonely. You've mentioned you both work away alot. maybe thats the issue. Guys look at porn when theyr'e lonely and bored, its just what they do.
sounds like you're going into counselling sessions etc and he says what he thinks you want to hear.
I think you need to get to the bottom of why he needs porn, not the issue that he's looking at porn in itself. If he's lonely and bored work out ways to get him un lonely and un bored.
You said he was acting strange, in what way?0 -
You told him if he remotely did anything like this again he would lose you.
You are now thinking stay? This is all your choice not ours and no opinions here matter.
I think he will figure out on his own since you married him anyway, now are still not sure what to do the second time around, that you will keep putting up with whatever he dishes out.
Every person has a line. Regardless whether porn is ok or not isn't the issue. You had an agreement and he ignored it.0 -
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!! He cannot be trusted and you will NEVER be able to trust him again. You will resent it. Make a clean break while you can! Your only other choice is to accept the fact that he is into porn and just let it go otherwise it will drive you nuts. He won't change.:noway:0
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I'm watching porn right now.0
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I'm not married, so take this for what it's worth (not very much). I think looking at porn is not the same as having an affair with an actual live woman. Yes, you agreed not to have porn in your lives, but...he's a guy. You were away. Is it an addiction if he gave into temptation when you were gone, but not before? Or is it just a temptation? And he was texting that he missed you while watching the porn? Clearly he was wishing he was with you and not doing what he was doing. To me, that's different from the sexting he was doing before the wedding.
Frankly I'm continually surprised when my boyfriend says he hasn't ...uh...you know....when we've not been able to get together for a few days. But then again, we are in our 40's. If we were in our 20's, I'd assume it was impossible for a guy to restrain himself. And I absolutely don't want to see his internet history. Ever. No good can come of it.
How much of your current angst is because you set yourself a line in the sand which would result in instantly leaving him if he crossed it? And now he's crossed it. You don't HAVE to leave him just because you said you would - you can change your mind if you so wish.
Go to the counseling. Accept that none of us are perfect. See if it is something you can get past. I could get past it, but I'm not you, I don't have your history and I don't know all the circumstances. But if you can't trust him over this mistake, then you'll probably never trust him.0 -
This is your first post? Why on a fitness site? I was just wondering why on this I guess?:ohwell:0
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I can't help you. I have no problem with porn, especially if I'm out of town. I almost expect it.0
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You told him if he remotely did anything like this again he would lose you.
You are now thinking stay? This is all your choice not ours and no opinions here matter.
I think he will figure out on his own since you married him anyway, now are still not sure what to do the second time around, that you will keep putting up with whatever he dishes out.
Every person has a line. Regardless whether porn is ok or not isn't the issue. You had an agreement and he ignored it.
This! The issue of porn or not isn't relevant.... He decided to hide and lie something he knows hurts you. Also spending money adds insult to injury. The ball is in your court now. Only you can decide how much you are gonna put up with.:flowerforyou:0 -
This is your first post? Why on a fitness site? I was just wondering why on this I guess?:ohwell:
probably a regular but too embarrassed to use real name0 -
Him watching porn while you're away? and that's all you have to worry about? he should leave you and take the kids with him. Grow up, people like to watch porn, he's not cheating on your with a dime bag hooker.0
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You chose your path when you decided to go through with the wedding. Good luck.
And porn is only as big of a deal as you make it.0 -
deny it to yourself !
seems to be what moost married women do when this occurs or their husband develops a new jiggle in his hips he obviously learned elsewhere!!!0 -
First, I know that you are in a tough position. You love your husband and try to move pass his indiscretions, but honestly, you have to make a decision. Will you put up with the cheating and porn? Will you move on from the relationship? If you had this issue prior to getting married, and you discussed how you are affected by his infidelity, and he keeps disregarding your feelings by engaging in inappropriate behavior, I think your choice is made. I know that kids bring a different level of difficulty to your decisions, but honestly, I feel that you are selling yourself short. Love yourself, respect yourself, and yes work on your marriage, but if you see that your husband is not willing to love and respect you by discontinuing looking at offensive materials and cheating with other women, then love yourself enough to move on and find someone who will love and respect you back.0
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Ok honey, as one who's been married going on 21 years, let me give you my humble opinion.
Your first mistake: he makes me finally feel complete.
Never never ever depend on another human being ever to make you feel complete. YOU have to do this for yourself. Man (and woman) is fallable.
It seems you keep checking his computer because you are LOOKING for trouble. Really, is it worth the heartache? Even if it is wrong, you have to give each other space somewhere. I hate that he's looking at porn and it's good that y'all are in some form of counseling. You promised in front of EVERYONE to live with this man, to put UP with this man for better...or worse. There will be lots of "worse," I assure you.
Here's an adage for you...If you own a farm, it is good to have cattle. It is profitable to have cattle. But along with the cattle, there's a lot of poop.
The ultimate decision still comes down to you though.0 -
I get lonely and bored alllllll the time, well maybe more bored, lol, but I don't do porn. Never did a lot for me, the real deal is better and is a lot more fun
Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out for you and your daughters.0 -
NO CHANCES! thats crazy! either your husband loves you or he doesnt! a man who loves his wife wouldnt betray her. i dont care what the excuse is, or how lonely he claims to be. love is love. marriage is marriage. either he is an adulterer or hes not, theres no in between.
im pretty damn lonely myself, i have 5 kids, my husband works full time, and we are both full time students... I NEVER SEE HIM... and when i do, just like a typical man, HES TIRED... he falls asleep on the sofa watching football... I WOULD NEVER BE SNEAKY OR HAVE AN AFFAIR... hes my husand... the lazy, tired, grumpy, eat / sleep / crap man is my husband, and my love wouldnt allow me to be adulterous even if i wanted to.
your husband should never have even recieved 1 chance! i would have called off the wedding.
JUST MY OPINION THO! carry on 0 -
OP my thoughts on relationships and fidelity is skewed, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
First, I dont believe anyone is truly monogamous in his or her relationship. It's not part of our animal nature. Some may say well I've never cheated, but at one point in his or her life they had sexual thoughts about someone outside of the relationship. There is no such thing as true fidelity in a human relationship. However, the lies and deceit are no excuse if he wanted to continue some sexual online relationship thing he should have been honest and told you.
I understand you used the no pornography rule as a boundary in your marriage, and if your husband agreed to it he must accept it. Personally, if my BF put that stipulation on me I could not abide by it because of my drive which is much more higher than his. I dont see it as cheating nor would I be able to not ever watch porn again. I'm sure your husband was lying when he said he wouldnt ever watch it again. And shame on him for lying.
Of course, I dont spend money on my porn. And think anyone who does is an idiot and if I saw a $24 cam charge I'd be so pissed. That I can understand.
I think his biggest issue is lying and that is what I would get the counseling for. You have every right to be angry for his lies.
If he cant be honest with you then that will be the true issue in the relationship.0 -
Honestly..you will never trust him again regardless because of the first incident. You do realize that you went snooping around through his internet history to find out what he was doing? If you really trusted him you wouldn't have done that. The trust is gone and once that is gone then it's over.0
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I suggest you check out the organization to support sex and love addicts. Ask him to ask himself the questions on that site and see if he sees himself. If he sees his self destructive behavior as part of a pattern of addiction had can resolve to change it uses a 12 step program that involves a commitment that would be evident to you. If he wants to have a long term committed relationship he needs to look at how to fix his pattern of destructive behavior. It's up to you if you want to support him, separate, etc. Good luck.0
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didn't read the whole thing (tl;dr next time please) but read about pornography being unhealthy and crap. Yeah.... he's gonna watch porn. I feel sorry for girls that try to force the man to not watch it. Sorry but men will always watch porn. You might not know about it but we will.
From the title I think he cheated on you. Sexting may or may not count. Many men on this site flirt. Their SO sometimes know about it and think its fine and other SO's don't approve of it. I can't comment anything about it. I don't personally do it and probably won't do it but thats just me. Still, wouldn't count it as cheating.
So.. was there any point in the story where there was actual intercourse? If there was while he was still married/dating you, then I'm sorry, you're the silly person in the relationship to give a second chance. NEVER EVER give a second chance (in my humble opinion). I don't care what the excuses made are. Abusive relationship, alcohol used, whatever. If they cheated once, that should be the end.
But then again, I'm a simple man with simple rules.0 -
You've admitted to random searches of his facebook and internet history since your wedding. Seems like you never really did trust him again. Your words say one thing and your actions say another. Just like him saying he won't look at porn but then doing so.
I'm curious why looking at porn became such an issue when the marriage happened yet it was okay before? You even admitted to sometimes looking at it together.0 -
this isn't an issue of porn. if he promised you not to eat peanut butter, then he did it and hid it and lied, you should still leave him. you had an agreement, he purposely went against it, and you're just going to keep letting him do it?
source: a girl who just found her ex boyfriend was cheating on her for a year. with a physical woman.0 -
I'm not married, so take this for what it's worth (not very much). I think looking at porn is not the same as having an affair with an actual live woman. Yes, you agreed not to have porn in your lives, but...he's a guy. You were away. Is it an addiction if he gave into temptation when you were gone, but not before? Or is it just a temptation? And he was texting that he missed you while watching the porn? Clearly he was wishing he was with you and not doing what he was doing. To me, that's different from the sexting he was doing before the wedding.
Frankly I'm continually surprised when my boyfriend says he hasn't ...uh...you know....when we've not been able to get together for a few days. But then again, we are in our 40's. If we were in our 20's, I'd assume it was impossible for a guy to restrain himself. And I absolutely don't want to see his internet history. Ever. No good can come of it.
How much of your current angst is because you set yourself a line in the sand which would result in instantly leaving him if he crossed it? And now he's crossed it. You don't HAVE to leave him just because you said you would - you can change your mind if you so wish.
Go to the counseling. Accept that none of us are perfect. See if it is something you can get past. I could get past it, but I'm not you, I don't have your history and I don't know all the circumstances. But if you can't trust him over this mistake, then you'll probably never trust him.
I agree. I think him watching porn is completely different than him sexting another woman.0 -
Honestly..you will never trust him again regardless because of the first incident. You do realize that you went snooping around through his internet history to find out what he was doing? If you really trusted him you wouldn't have done that. The trust is gone and once that is gone then it's over.
this is a good point. if you look for it you will find it.0 -
Honestly..you will never trust him again regardless because of the first incident. You do realize that you went snooping around through his internet history to find out what he was doing? If you really trusted him you wouldn't have done that. The trust is gone and once that is gone then it's over.
The first incident was sexting that’s pretty close to just watching porn, most of it is just fantasy. The day mankind can read minds will be the day marriages ends for ever.0 -
This is a decision that you need to make. You have stated how you are feeling so you need to decide what will make you feel better.
No person should ever complete you. If your daughters were in this position, what would you tell them to do?
You only have 1 life, make it a happy one.
I hope you figure it out whatever it may be.
Good Luck!0 -
Strong first post. Good luck on your weightloss journey.0
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Ok honey, as one who's been married going on 21 years, let me give you my humble opinion.
Your first mistake: he makes me finally feel complete.
Never never ever depend on another human being ever to make you feel complete. YOU have to do this for yourself. Man (and woman) is fallable.
It seems you keep checking his computer because you are LOOKING for trouble. Really, is it worth the heartache? Even if it is wrong, you have to give each other space somewhere. I hate that he's looking at porn and it's good that y'all are in some form of counseling. You promised in front of EVERYONE to live with this man, to put UP with this man for better...or worse. There will be lots of "worse," I assure you.
Here's an adage for you...If you own a farm, it is good to have cattle. It is profitable to have cattle. But along with the cattle, there's a lot of poop.
The ultimate decision still comes down to you though.
This is so true, we usually find what we're looking for. And you aren't his mom, kinda sounds like you want to be. Good Luck.0 -
I'm not married, so take this for what it's worth (not very much). I think looking at porn is not the same as having an affair with an actual live woman. Yes, you agreed not to have porn in your lives, but...he's a guy. You were away. Is it an addiction if he gave into temptation when you were gone, but not before? Or is it just a temptation? And he was texting that he missed you while watching the porn? Clearly he was wishing he was with you and not doing what he was doing. To me, that's different from the sexting he was doing before the wedding.
Frankly I'm continually surprised when my boyfriend says he hasn't ...uh...you know....when we've not been able to get together for a few days. But then again, we are in our 40's. If we were in our 20's, I'd assume it was impossible for a guy to restrain himself. And I absolutely don't want to see his internet history. Ever. No good can come of it.
How much of your current angst is because you set yourself a line in the sand which would result in instantly leaving him if he crossed it? And now he's crossed it. You don't HAVE to leave him just because you said you would - you can change your mind if you so wish.
Go to the counseling. Accept that none of us are perfect. See if it is something you can get past. I could get past it, but I'm not you, I don't have your history and I don't know all the circumstances. But if you can't trust him over this mistake, then you'll probably never trust him.
I agree. I think him watching porn is completely different than him sexting another woman.
unless both parties agree up front that porn is not something that will be tolerated. especially those of us who have strong moral or religous backgrounds or lifestyles... for people like me, and even my husband, porn is not something we are willing to tolerate. its one thing to throw in the porn stipulation out of no where, but if both people from the begining agree that its a nono... then its a NONO0 -
Honestly..you will never trust him again regardless because of the first incident. You do realize that you went snooping around through his internet history to find out what he was doing? If you really trusted him you wouldn't have done that. The trust is gone and once that is gone then it's over.
The first incident was sexting that’s pretty close to just watching porn, most of it is just fantasy. The day mankind can read minds will be the day marriages ends for ever.
and will be the day we go to prison before committing the crime... angry / husband / wood chipper / cement... oh boy i hope no one can ever read my mind...0
This discussion has been closed.
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