Husband can't be trusted. How many chances should he get?
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This is very very true.Honestly..you will never trust him again regardless because of the first incident. You do realize that you went snooping around through his internet history to find out what he was doing? If you really trusted him you wouldn't have done that. The trust is gone and once that is gone then it's over.0
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Watching porn = ok
Sexting + Paying someone to watch a girl live doing porn = NOT OK
If this continues, i will not be surprised when he will be tempted to actually hook up one of these women!
Sorry that was blunt, but it is what it is. Honesty is honesty. If he has no self- control to stand up to his promise, he is weak and cannot be trusted. I know its easier for me to say than for you to actually do it, but this is what i feel!
Good luck :flowerforyou:
and I think you digging through his IE history says all that needs to be said
/thread0 -
Are you married to my ex-husband by any chance?
It will never improve. You will live this cycle over and over and over again. Are you okay with living like this forever? Are you okay knowing that this is your future?
The moment we finally decided to divorce I realized that I had an amazing future ahead. I didn't have to hope for good memories between incidents.
ETA: I also agree that porn is okay, but contacting other women and talking sexual to them is not okay.0 -
Boys will be Boys and Porn is Porn,
but if you have pay for it, its something else, because he is taking money away from the family.
I don't think you need to get a divorce just yet but I think you need to make the following very clearn.
-1 NO Porn in the house or on the PC.
-2 Because he can not be trusted, you need to learn about PC and do the following:
Lock your router/turn off the internet. when you are not home...
Keep in mind everything is good and dandy until there is physical contact. Once there is physical contact all bets are off.0 -
Boys will be Boys and Porn is Porn,
but if you have pay for it, its something else, because he is taking money away from the family.
I don't think you need to get a divorce just yet but I think you need to make the following very clearn.
-1 NO Porn in the house or on the PC.
-2 Because he can not be trusted, you need to learn about PC and do the following:
Lock your router/turn off the internet. when you are not home...
Keep in mind everything is good and dandy until there is physical contact. Once there is physical contact all bets are off.
why does she need to become his mother?? turn off the internet when she's not at home??0 -
How long have you guys been dating before tying the knot?
I think porn is porn. Any guy who doesn't watch porn has issues hahaha. It's no different then them going to the strip clubs and paying to get blue balls.
Is he still sexting that lady too?
I don't like to look through my bf's stuff at all. We've been together for 5 years and met him in college 10 years ago. I trust him completely and we tell each other everything. When he flirts with girls at work (I know he's a flirted) but he wouldn't ever do anything to make me distrust him as he realizes what's at stake if he does.
I think watching porn is fine. As long as he is not actually doing something physical with another person. However, at this point, I'm not sure how much you can trust him if you are already at that point of confusion. He obviously feels he needs to hide stuff from you so you won't be so suspicious.
Maybe you guys need to start being more open. I obviously don't know how he is. It took my bf at least a year and a half before he got comfortable with opening up to me and letting me in little by little.0 -
Dear OP, you are slightly crazy.0
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What? He was sexting BEFORE you were married. Probably because he realized you are very controlling and was getting in a little fun before it was all over. I don't mean this to sound so mean, but seriously, if watching porn is something he enjoys while you are gone, why can't he do it? He's probably thinking of you the entire time anyhow, hence why he was texting YOU. What if he said, "look I see that you are on this myfitnesspal site a lot, and there are lots of pictures of beautiful shirtless men on there, so I'm going to need you to promise to never do it again". You are not his parent. You're his wife. Be his partner. Love and trust him and get rid of your "line in the sand". Life is to short for all these hangups.0
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This is your first post? Why on a fitness site? I was just wondering why on this I guess?:ohwell:
Me too??0 -
Sounds like you are unhappy and that you've already answered your own question.
I got a divorce and took back my life and feel so independent, so strong. I may be too cautious now, but I am determined that if I'm unhappy that it can lie in my hands. If I'm unhappy, I will do something about it.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, when you really love someone it is hard to detach yourself. And goodluck!0 -
Dear OP, you are slightly crazy.
This0 -
why does she need to become his mother?? turn off the internet when she's not at home??
Yeah.... that'd instantly end my relationship.... sheesh. He's a grown man, he doesn't need to be mothered.0 -
I'm curious why looking at porn became such an issue when the marriage happened yet it was okay before? You even admitted to sometimes looking at it together.
I think the issue here is not the porn itself, but the broken promise and how she should react having drawn a line in the sand that has now been crossed. I personally think that watching porn in and of itself is not a big deal and she seems to have felt the same way at some point, but they had an agreement. (It also appears that the OP believes porn, for him, is a "gateway drug" that may lead to other, more personal interactions like the one he had leading up to their wedding...?).
Sooo.....
- Is he just a habitual liar and sneak that can't be trusted? Get out.
- If she lets this one slide, will he ever take her boundaries seriously? She's already caved once by marrying him.
- He's a pretty clumsy sneak. It's not difficult to delete browsing history. I mean, unless OP's a computer whiz that can get around that stuff. Maybe he wanted to get caught - any chance he's consciously or subconsciously sabotaging the relationship?
If all else is well in the marriage and you want to keep him, you can't just let it slide. You're going to have to make sure he suffers some consequences so he'll think twice about it the next time he's tempted to go against his promises. I think you're already doing that with the counseling, letting him know that you're setting up an escape fund, etc..
If you stay together then someday you're going to have to choose to trust him. No more computer detective, no more porn police, no more assuming that watching porn will make him escalate into a full-on affair - because you trust him. You can't nanny him forever - what kind of marriage would that be?
I agree. I believe someone (either the OP or the counsellor) made it about the porn. The real issue was trust right from the get go. I think the money spent on counselling would have been better spent on learning how to trust again, what tools the OP could use instead of putting an ultimatum on porn.0 -
Your decision, no matter what is said here. It is your decision and you and the girls will have to live with it. Your girls are looking to you as a model and will shape their lives based upon what you demonstrate and how you live not by what you say. The stakes are high, your happiness, the girls happiness now and future and what is the requirement for forgiveness? Truth is forgiveness is given when life changes and the other person shows by their actions they are truely sorry not by words....so what will be required? What action will show to you that he is truely sorry? has it happened? If not time for honest check up. and I agree with the woman on here who said. Your fulfillment should NEVER depend on another person.
Again in the end your decision, best thoughts for you and your family.0 -
*Shrugs* I'm not a marriage counselor, psychiatrist, or member of the clergy. I have my own family and marriage to worry about.
I think it is very strange to ask for marriage advice from strangers on a public message board dedicated to diet and fitness. Issues like these are always complicated and if I were your husband or kids I would be PISSED that you were sharing your private life so openly with random people. I think that is way worse than porn and a bigger violation of trust.0 -
You don't need your kids living in an environment that is tense. That is unhealthy.0
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Is it only men who get the porn card excuse or does it work for ladies too?
generally speaking, you usually won't find a man who's "line in the sand" for a woman is no porn.
so there is seldom a need to play that card for a woman, regardless of its existence.0 -
*Shrugs* I'm not a marriage counselor, psychiatrist, or member of the clergy. I have my own family and marriage to worry about.
I think it is very strange to ask for marriage advice from strangers on a public message board dedicated to diet and fitness. Issues like these are always complicated and if I were your husband or kids I would be PISSED that you were sharing your private life so openly with random people. I think that is way worse than porn and a bigger violation of trust.
^^This0 -
2) He is making appointments with a different counselor to discuss this “porn addiction” he has.
Really, you are the only one who can decide what you are going to do, and what is best for you and your family. Don't rely on a bunch of strnagers from the internet to tell you what to do.
That being said, I was curious as to why you put porn addiciton in quotes like you did? Porn addicition is a very real thing, and I have seen it destroy many a marriage. It's real. It's harmful. It can affect anyone of either sex.0 -
The porn isn't the issue, people need to look past that. The issue is that they agreed on not having a particular thing in their lives, they made that promise to each other. And he did it anyways. Think of it like this, if it were heroin instead of porn, would people still be telling her to get used to it because he's a man? The point is, it's something that HE AGREED to stay away from. You can't justify him going back on his word just because he happens to be male.
The biggest issue for me would be the blatant disregard of your feelings. He knew how you felt and where you stood on things, and that wasn't enough of a reason for him.
It's complicated because this isn't the first time he's done something that's left you hurt or disrespected. In fact, this is something that was promised because of the first time.
I can't tell you what to do. I can't say for sure that he will or won't ever hurt you again. You know your husband and ultimately you have to decide if it's something that you can get past or not. You know what kind of man he is and only you can decide if working through the pain he has caused you and trying to trust him again will be worth it. All that I can say is that I truly hope you figure out what you want. Just never let yourself forget what you deserve in life! Don't let anyone treat you any differently from that.0 -
He was maybe acting weird because he knew watching porn was breaking a boundary you two set.
At the same time, if he was texting you around the same time he was thinking of you.
If it is a serious addiction it can, and should, be dealt with.
You really shouldn't snoop, no matter what you suspect though. He may feel untrusted by you which will make the relationship unhappy from his side aswell. You have to trust it's just the porn and not the sexting that happened before your wedding.0 -
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I HATE when women cry over guys watching porn. Get OVER yourself! men love porn, women love porn it's not the devil. I would suggest gaining some self esteem so you don't feel ashamed of your husband for wanting to play out fantasies. Cheers to porn and all it's awesomeness.0
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I HATE when women cry over guys watching porn. Get OVER yourself! men love porn, women love porn it's not the devil. I would suggest gaining some self esteem so you don't feel ashamed of your husband for wanting to play out fantasies. Cheers to porn and all it's awesomeness.
I agree, watching porn should not be a big issue, if it was for the OP in the first place! But sexting/watching a woman do things live is not ok, atleast for me!0 -
I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?
I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.
He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)
I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.
Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.
The red flag with no porn was that he was paying for 1 on 1 with the Cam girls, that is a little bit different than just watching porn.
I thought too much went into the story for it too be a troll, figured a regular who wanted to keep the main account under wraps.
If it is a troll then kudos on the effort spent for realism.0 -
Is it only men who get the porn card excuse or does it work for ladies too?
generally speaking, you usually won't find a man who's "line in the sand" for a woman is no porn.
so there is seldom a need to play that card for a woman, regardless of its existence.
yeah youre right it would be a fun card to play though. girls will be girls watching da porn not satisfying their husbands, LOL0 -
from man's perspective, i suggest try to evaluate yourself too. it's always the man who can get the blame for this but there might be some other reason. typically, we're only seeing the surface and the result but not the cause.0
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Does not matter if she is "controlling" or not.
They had issues PRIOR to the wedding and he probably promised her the moon to get her happy again in order for her to go through with the wedding.
He could have said "nope. Don't like your terms" and walked. He did not do that. So he needs to follow through with the agreement or walk out now.
Constantly making, then breaking, agreements and saying the agreement isn't fair or doable is BS.0 -
Basically what I was thinking, but you said it very well.*Shrugs* I'm not a marriage counselor, psychiatrist, or member of the clergy. I have my own family and marriage to worry about.
I think it is very strange to ask for marriage advice from strangers on a public message board dedicated to diet and fitness. Issues like these are always complicated and if I were your husband or kids I would be PISSED that you were sharing your private life so openly with random people. I think that is way worse than porn and a bigger violation of trust.0 -
Does not matter if she is "controlling" or not.
They had issues PRIOR to the wedding and he probably promised her the moon to get her happy again in order for her to go through with the wedding.
He could have said "nope. Don't like your terms" and walked. He did not do that. So he needs to follow through with the agreement or walk out now.
Constantly breaking agreements then saying the agreement isn't fair or doable is BS.
Boom this!!!!0
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