Husband can't be trusted. How many chances should he get?

Mia_RagazzaTosta

If him watching a flick was going to get him this much grief, he shouldn't have watched the porn.

He should have just gone out and gotten a hooker.

Also this. If you're gonna get in trouble anyway at least make it worth while. Wife gets mad over porn? Silly.

Wife gets mad cause you blew your whole pay check on hookers? Worthwhile.

Not even joking.

Word

rml_16

I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.

He made a promise (whether I agree with it or not) and broke it. They sat there at a counseling session together and agreed to no more porn. Takes two parties to maintain a promise and build trust. Promise broken, trust broken.

I agree. Trust was broken when she spied on him.

Honestly, control freaks like her (and others I see here defending her) should just divorce their husbands and let them free. I feel bad for these men.

We don't know enough about these people to condemn one or the other.

I am involved with someone with a pretty serious drinking problem that pretty much destroyed our relationship. Six months ago, I was done. Even he will tell you he was 100% at fault for that. The only way I would agree to even consider working things out was if he quit drinking entirely.

You can call me a control freak for that, but I lived in a terrible situation and was miserable because of alcohol. She is married to a man who thought it was OK to have a sexting relationship with another woman while engaged. That IS cheating, no matter how you want to spin it. I've been on both sides of it. How I felt when I found out (accidentally) it was vbeing done to me was absolitely betrayed. And when I was doing it, I had no delusions that it was "just fantasy." It wasn't. It was cheating. But when I was doing it, I was done with my relationship emotionally if not actually.

ldrosophila

If him watching a flick was going to get him this much grief, he shouldn't have watched the porn.

He should have just gone out and gotten a hooker.

maybe but how do you explain the case of genital warts?

Unknown

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ItsCasey

You should've pulled the plug before you married him. The dude was still sexting with another woman a week before your wedding. If he had been genuinely in love with you, he wouldn't have been doing that.

And it doesn't matter what other people think about sexting or porn or strip clubs or any of the other behaviors that so many people will say are no big deal. You have to decide for yourself what constitutes betrayal. And once he knows that and then knowingly and willfully crosses that line, there is no going back.

I am not telling you that his behavior is your fault. You can't control what he does. All you can do is respond to it. But you set the wrong precedent by marrying him a week after you found out he'd been exchanging sexually explicit emails with another woman. It should have been crystal clear to you at that point that he was in no way, shape, or form ready to be done screwing around with random chicks and settle down with one woman for the rest of his life. But you gave him the chance to lie to you again by making that vow to you, and you made the same vow back. And then he did it again.

I like to think if I were you, my first thought would be "What kind of message do I want to send my daughters?" And I believe I would show them how a woman with a modicum of self-respect would handle the situation ... by packing our bags and leaving.

TR0berts

If him watching a flick was going to get him this much grief, he shouldn't have watched the porn.

He should have just gone out and gotten a hooker.

maybe but how do you explain the case of genital warts?

Blame it on the wife, of course.

mrsamanda86

I would love to hear my hubby's reaction if I told him that on his next 6 month deployment he isn't allowed to watch porn.. lmao... he would basically just laugh so hard he cried and then say yeaaaaaaaa ok babe...not happening

mikeykhan2003

Your husband is really bad at the internet. I know, not really pertinent, but damn - paying for porn and not clearing internet history? I'm kind of ashamed of my sex here.

Also, you people really, really need to 1) lighten up and 2) read the definition of addiction a few times.

And, for the OP - You had a very legit issue to end it before, and you decided it was too embarrassing / inconvenient for your family's weekend. I can't even imagine a world where you find the will power, resolve, and energy to end it now. Just give him another line in the sand so you can go back to pretending you trust him; it's absolutely no different than EVERY OTHER DAY you've been married.

emjaycazz

My daughters are my number 1 focus.

I think this should be your most important focus, and that all decisions should be based on your daughters' well-being. Certainly, they will be devastated in the short term BUT witnessing constant back-and-forth arguments where they are sure to hear doubts about trustworthiness is probably going to impact them in the long term.

haroon_awan

3) I asked him to pay the next 3 months of the mortgage payments on the house (which I normally pay), so that I can put some cash away if I decide that I need to leave. I need to protect myself and the girls.

STOP right there. Stop. No. No. No.

Assuming:
The house is in your name
You paid for the house with a loan in your name
You have been paying for the house since then
He has not been involved in the financial aspect at all
He has not made any financial commitment to the house yet
And most importantly, the relevant law applies in your state

If he starts to pay some part of the mortgage then he is entitled to some share of the house if you divorce. Find out what the law on trusts of land and cohabitation is in your state before making him pay the mortgage because you could lose a hefty money that you want to spent on your daughters' future.

Oh_Allie

Paying for a cam show is just paying for personalized porn and $24 worth of it is like,10 minutes, tops. It really isn't a big deal (unless money is an issue), in my opinion. I personally would have called it quits at the sexting, though. I draw my line between fantasy and reality. If the person that my bf was sexting with was a real person that he knew, I'd be gone. If it was just some anonymous camgirl, I'd deal with it. She's just doing a job and has no intention of meeting him.

The real person you need to be hashing this out with is your husband. Get to the bottom of things. Open communication about sex, sexting and the porn and figure out if that's really a deal breaker. Maybe you're setting him up to fail by forbidding porn.

TR0berts

Paying for a cam show is just paying for personalized porn and $24 worth of it is like,10 minutes, tops.

You know this?

Can you PM me the link to your camshow?

taunto

We don't know enough about these people to condemn one or the other.

I agree. Which is why I said we need to hear both sides. And considering OP is a troll, I doubt we will hear it.

I am involved with someone with a pretty serious drinking problem that pretty much destroyed our relationship. Six months ago, I was done. Even he will tell you he was 100% at fault for that. The only way I would agree to even consider working things out was if he quit drinking entirely.

alcohol addiction and watching porn... 2 VERY different things. Porn addiction is different but will you raise hell if he didn't had alcohol addiction and just drank a day or 2 socially per week?

You can call me a control freak for that, but I lived in a terrible situation and was miserable because of alcohol. She is married to a man who thought it was OK to have a sexting relationship with another woman while engaged. That IS cheating, no matter how you want to spin it.

Many women here think otherwise about sexting being cheating. I personally won't do it and will think low of a person who sexts while being in a relationship however I wouldn't go as far as saying its cheating.

I've been on both sides of it. How I felt when I found out (accidentally) it was vbeing done to me was absolitely betrayed. And when I was doing it, I had no delusions that it was "just fantasy." It wasn't. It was cheating. But when I was doing it, I was done with my relationship emotionally if not actually.

you and I have a difference of opinion about what sexting is. Which is fine. To me, sexting is a low thing but not cheating. However, the control freak point wasn't over sexting. It was about the no porn thing. If you ask your SO to not watch porn, then yes, yes you are a control freak and should try and marry a priest or something I guess (who, btw, likely watches porn too)

TheGirlsATimeBomb

again to clarify, i watch porn.

but why does everyone in this thread act like it is IMPOSSIBLE not to?

ldrosophila

Your husband is really bad at the internet. I know, not really pertinent, but damn - paying for porn and not clearing internet history? I'm kind of ashamed of my sex here.

Who pays for porn? I think it's a shame clearing the internet history though I leave it up because I kind of think of it like a Christmas wish list.

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Ed98043

I'm curious why looking at porn became such an issue when the marriage happened yet it was okay before? You even admitted to sometimes looking at it together.

I think the issue here is not the porn itself, but the broken promise and how she should react having drawn a line in the sand that has now been crossed. I personally think that watching porn in and of itself is not a big deal and she seems to have felt the same way at some point, but they had an agreement. (It also appears that the OP believes porn, for him, is a "gateway drug" that may lead to other, more personal interactions like the one he had leading up to their wedding...?).

Sooo.....

- Is he just a habitual liar and sneak that can't be trusted? Get out.

- If she lets this one slide, will he ever take her boundaries seriously? She's already caved once by marrying him.

- He's a pretty clumsy sneak. It's not difficult to delete browsing history. I mean, unless OP's a computer whiz that can get around that stuff. Maybe he wanted to get caught - any chance he's consciously or subconsciously sabotaging the relationship?

If all else is well in the marriage and you want to keep him, you can't just let it slide. You're going to have to make sure he suffers some consequences so he'll think twice about it the next time he's tempted to go against his promises. I think you're already doing that with the counseling, letting him know that you're setting up an escape fund, etc..

If you stay together then someday you're going to have to choose to trust him. No more computer detective, no more porn police, no more assuming that watching porn will make him escalate into a full-on affair - because you trust him. You can't nanny him forever - what kind of marriage would that be?

Achrya

again to clarify, i watch porn.

but why does everyone in this thread act like it is IMPOSSIBLE not to?

It's impossible to me. What else was I going to do when my husband was gone from February to July this year or when he's gone for months at a time next year? Use my imagination? Not get off for six months?

Pft.

rml_16

you and I have a difference of opinion about what sexting is. Which is fine. To me, sexting is a low thing but not cheating. However, the control freak point wasn't over sexting. It was about the no porn thing. If you ask your SO to not watch porn, then yes, yes you are a control freak and should try and marry a priest or something I guess (who, btw, likely watches porn too)

Depends on the situation. If porn is something that is actually getting in the way of your relationship, then you have the right to ask your SO to not watch it or look at it. Just like I had a right to ask mine not to drink. In most cases, drinking is not an issue, but in ours it was a dealbreaker.

I pesonally have no problem with a guy looking at porn as long as it's not an unhealthy obsession or leading to other things. It sounds from the OP like that might have been part of their issue. They discussed it in counseling, together, and agreed to it together. It came up for a reason.

LuLuChick78

There are obviously strong feelings on both sides of this topic. You have to decide for yourself what is important to you. You keep saying he's addicted to porn, but it doesn't sound like addiction. Addiction is different. It sounds like he just likes porn. And, you two used to share that together. Never ever change someone. If he likes porn, let him have porn. Do it with him, do it with each other, enjoy it, play out fantasies. Stop trying to purify the man you love. Instead, dive in with him and enjoy it. So, this is one issue and I think it is unrelated to everything.

The other issue is the Facebook woman. That's different. Did it ever amount to anything? What is he not getting from you, not sexually, but in other ways? Does he tell you? Did he describe this woman kind of like a porn thing, where it will never be real, it's just the idea of chatting online? Did he ever call her?

My suspicion is that he likes the distance and safety and maybe fantasy of chatting and playing online, but it won't ever actually happen. If this is in fact true, then you have nothing to worry about. He enjoys the online fantasy, but he will not physically act on it.

Maybe, as an idea, you could go into character, with his knowledge, make up a woman's identity, and play it out with him online. He might reveal some interesting things to you that way, and you two can understand each other better.

I don't see any huge issues here. Guys just like porn. People analyze this chit way too much. There's nothing to analyze or think about. It's just how it is. I think all women should taking testosterone pills for a week or a month so that they can feel what it's like to have that running through your blood all the time. Looking at porn doesn't mean a guy wants to go have sex with those people. The dude just needs to get off. And, sometimes, we don't want the whole thing that comes with the act. You just want to run one out real quick without any hassles or having to do much. Lol. Seriously. Some women think it means he doesn't love her. Lol. It has nothing to do with that at all.

I agree

ekz13

never should've gotten married ...

goodnamegone

I think this is a fake post. You get a lot of these on this website. The account was created the same day as the post that's a bit of a give away too....

odusgolp

*shrug* I don't think porn is divorce worthy, but to each their own.

Just don't deny your role in this... you were looking for someone to "complete you," you're looking at the history on his computer, etc. You could be totally smothering the hell out of him and have unrealistic expectations, but who knows. He watched porn, you spied. You both broke this magically unicorn theory of trust. But hell... We don't know either one of you.

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

ash8184

1. I would address the lying/not being forward versus the porn, because porn is a fact of life. Some people love it, some people hate it, but it's what guys do when they're bored/lonely.
2. Be glad he wasn't having an affair with a real person. If this is all he does wrong, it might be a good thing?

Probably not what you're looking for, but it would be A LOT worse IMHO if it was an affair with someone in the flesh vs watching porn.

taunto

again to clarify, i watch porn.

but why does everyone in this thread act like it is IMPOSSIBLE not to?

As long as you have access to it, yes, it is IMPOSSIBLE not to go there. At least for most men. When we don't have access to it, we use our imagination.

ElyseL1

No offense but i dont think porn is a big deal. Your were out of town, he's only human and he was probably bored. It's not like he can actually hook up with these women in anyway. If I caught my husband looking at it I would probably tease him a lot and tell him not to get any ideas. He wasnt trying to be too sneaky if he didnt clear the history from his computer which is very easy to do.

AlongCame_Molly

I'm so, so sorry. I don't really have much in the way of suggestions, but I feel so bad for you and your girls. Maybe there are support groups you can find for other mothers going through similar situations?

I will say this, though: Putting money away in case you need to make a clean getaway is one of the smartest things you can do. Very wise thinking on your part. You are looking at this very rationally and logically, and that is to be commended. Keeping a level head is the most important thing you can do right now while this is getting sorted out.

ldrosophila

Is it only men who get the porn card excuse or does it work for ladies too?

ThePersnicketyOtter

Keeping in mind I'm engaged but not married...



Trying to remove porn from a relationship isn't the best idea. There is nothing wrong with looking at porn and it's certainly not cheating. If it's a big enough deal to you that you'd leave him for that then you should have talked about it BEFORE you got married.

And if the issues with the sexting are over, let them be over and don't drag them back up every time he does something you don't like. If he was texting you while watching porn, why would you come to the conclusion he wanted anything but you to be with him?? Take a step back, figure out what's done and over with and what's actually a current issue. Forgive what's in the past and let it stay there. Trust is essential in a relationship - if everything he does is going to come back to you not trusting him, then the relationship is already over.


And, much more simply put, if you have to ask if you should end a relationship, you should end the relationship.

jabarih

Well, from my reading, you first mistake was not listening to the guy who told yall to put the wedding off. You should have really thought long and hard if your trust was shaken that badly before you made vows 'until death do us part.'

Secondly, I'm sure in your vows you said 'for better or for worst.' Well it sounds like this is the worst. Now you vowed to be with him for better or for worst and if you throw your vows away, does that make you anymore trustworthy than him?

Now, you have to understand that there is a HUGE difference between men and women. Sex means different things to men than it does to women. Sex is more emotional for women. For men, it could just be something to do. You can’t look at his issues from your prospective. I don’t mean to get all preachy, but I think that is the way God intended it. I think God made men and women so differently so that when we marry, it forces us to become more Christ like in our love for each other.

Lastly, ‘love’ is action and simply emotional. You say you are ‘in’ love with him, but have you tried actually loving him, which entails forgiving him, being patient with him, helping him overcome his issues? Don’t be so quick to throw in the towel and leave! That is the easy way out. But a real woman would stay in the fight for her marriage. I understand that in today’s society we marry then divorce. But I don’t think that is the way it should be. Try to work things out!