Husband can't be trusted. How many chances should he get?

kbogati

I LOVE this response. I definitely learned the hard way that you have to be a "whole" person by yourself. Its nice to have someone to compliment you, but never complete you. And no one is perfect. No matter who you are with, there will be problems and issues. There are really only 2 questions here: Do you love him enough to overlook his imperfections? Does the good outweigh the bad?

ldrosophila

I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.

He made a promise (whether I agree with it or not) and broke it. They sat there at a counseling session together and agreed to no more porn. Takes two parties to maintain a promise and build trust. Promise broken, trust broken.

kbogati

Ok honey, as one who's been married going on 21 years, let me give you my humble opinion.

Your first mistake: he makes me finally feel complete.
Never never ever depend on another human being ever to make you feel complete. YOU have to do this for yourself. Man (and woman) is fallable.

It seems you keep checking his computer because you are LOOKING for trouble. Really, is it worth the heartache? Even if it is wrong, you have to give each other space somewhere. I hate that he's looking at porn and it's good that y'all are in some form of counseling. You promised in front of EVERYONE to live with this man, to put UP with this man for better...or worse. There will be lots of "worse," I assure you.

Here's an adage for you...If you own a farm, it is good to have cattle. It is profitable to have cattle. But along with the cattle, there's a lot of poop.

The ultimate decision still comes down to you though.

This is the response I was referring to

Alex_is_Hawks

he paid 24 dollars to watch a girl do things online...

firstly...most of that stuff is free...you just have to know where to look...

secondly....he didn't sext another person, he didn't invest in the life/love of another person, he didn't even TOUCH another person...

he watched a porn...

it's like going out to watch Magic Mike....


only maybe a little more nudity and possibly some better acting...

regardless...

I don't know how he did something wrong...

but that is just me....

i'm reading your scenario and while granted I would be upset to learn my lover was sexting someone else for 6 months and not telling me (however if he was honest and told me from the get go, I'm not sure I would be that upset at all).....

but watching a porn? when you were gone??

i'm sorry....if you think this is something huge and terrible that happened to your marriage....i fear for how well you stick it out when something huge and terrible DOES happen to your marriage...

FrenchMob

I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.

^^^THIS.

Like the saying goes, there's 3 sides of a story, his, hers and the truth.

He must have low self esteem to agree to no porn and all those other silly conditions you put on him. I would have gotten the fack out.

rml_16

You gave him an ultimatum. You either stick with it or you don't. I've learned the hard way that it has no meaning if you don't mean it, but when you do, it can change everything.

Matt24442

Once you mistrust someone again it doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll never trust them again. It's over. Relationship without trust is nothing.

suziepoo1984

Watching porn = ok
Sexting + Paying someone to watch a girl live doing porn = NOT OK
If this continues, i will not be surprised when he will be tempted to actually hook up one of these women!

Sorry that was blunt, but it is what it is. Honesty is honesty. If he has no self- control to stand up to his promise, he is weak and cannot be trusted. I know its easier for me to say than for you to actually do it, but this is what i feel!

Good luck :flowerforyou:

Lleldiranne

I agree with those who said porn is not really the issue, it's the lying/breaking a promise.

OP - I know how much your heart is hurting right now. I wish I could tell you for sure what to do. I think the question is, are you willing to take the risk that this will happen again (there's a good chance it will), or will it devastate you even more each time. That's the decision you have to make, and it's not easy: the heartbreak of ending it now, or the risk of continued heartbreak by giving him another chance and being betrayed again. I guess you have to decide if, for you, the good is worth putting up with the lying/sneaking that will probably crop up. And that's not something anyone else can decide for you. There is no ideal number of chances that someone else can advise you on. It's got to come down to what you're willing to allow in your life.

I hope you can find some peace with what's going on right now, and that you will make the decision that will ultimately bring you the most joy and happiness (and what's best for your girls)

porcelain_doll

First, it does not have to be a man and woman meeting in real life to have sex to be defined as an affair. Sexting with that woman on FB was an affair, even if they never met up and did anything. I can understand how you were between a rock and a hard place just days before the wedding. Yes, you could have called it off, but you made the decision not to, so we can't go back and change that now.

All you can do is focus on what you see before you right now. You have a repeat offender in the sense that his ability to be faithful to you is in question. You have only been married for six months, and already he has went behind your back to seek gratification from other women when you weren't around. It doesn't matter if it is sexting or watching porn or what have you. He went elsewhere to get off and then he hid it from you. What does that tell you? My honest opinion is that he is simply not ready to be married.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you right now, and I'm sorry you are going through this. But I hope that you make the right decision in the end for you and your girls.

Achrya

I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.

^^^THIS.

Like the saying goes, there's 3 sides of a story, his, hers and the truth.

He must have low self esteem to agree to no porn and all those other silly conditions you put on him. I would have gotten the fack out.

I'm inclined to agree. If my husband tried to bring down a 'no porn' rule he'd be in the market for a new wife pretty quick. Not that he would. He's a grown man who works on a ship for days/weeks at a time. Porn is basically central to his sanity (and my own.)


I suppose it's wrong the OP's husband broke his promise but isn't it equally as wrong to demand such a promise? Does she freak out if she catches him rubbing one out too? Sheesh.

gabbygirl78

Whats wrong with porn? Is he meeting other women? Having sex with other women? Is he neglecting you in that department but getting pleasure himself from these sites? I don't see anything wrong with porn as long as it isn't consuming your life. I guess I'm just one of the few females that think porn is ok... I like porn lol..... Sexting is fun. Porn can make sex awesome if you let it. Why don't you try sexting him from time to time... keep it exciting ya know... no matter how in love with someone you are every now and then you need to change it up a bit and be a little naughty with each other :devil:

taunto

I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.

He made a promise (whether I agree with it or not) and broke it. They sat there at a counseling session together and agreed to no more porn. Takes two parties to maintain a promise and build trust. Promise broken, trust broken.

I agree. Trust was broken when she spied on him.

Honestly, control freaks like her (and others I see here defending her) should just divorce their husbands and let them free. I feel bad for these men.

TheGirlsATimeBomb

I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.

^^^THIS.

Like the saying goes, there's 3 sides of a story, his, hers and the truth.

He must have low self esteem to agree to no porn and all those other silly conditions you put on him. I would have gotten the fack out.

Remember the counselor and the priest or whatever, had a strong say in this too. So, in the heat of the moment after all these 'come to Jesus' discussions, on paper, no porn seems like the solution. The practicality of actually doing that though is not only silly, it's just plain dumb. You can't really make a promise like that.

"you can't really make a promise like that?"
men are now animals with no self control with the complete inability to control their actions online.

btw i am an AVID porn watcher. doesn't mean i couldn't stop if i promised to. and i'd expect anyone to keep any promise they promise. that's a lot of promises.

TR0berts

If him watching a flick was going to get him this much grief, he shouldn't have watched the porn.

He should have just gone out and gotten a hooker.

ldrosophila

I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.

He made a promise (whether I agree with it or not) and broke it. They sat there at a counseling session together and agreed to no more porn. Takes two parties to maintain a promise and build trust. Promise broken, trust broken.

I agree. Trust was broken when she spied on him.

Honestly, control freaks like her (and others I see here defending her) should just divorce their husbands and let them free. I feel bad for these men.

LOL oh lord :laugh:

taunto

btw, you guys do realize that OP is a troll right? First thread on a new account. Not that it would stop us from discussing it. Just saying.

Achrya

If him watching a flick was going to get him this much grief, he shouldn't have watched the porn.

He should have just gone out and gotten a hooker.

Also this. If you're gonna get in trouble anyway at least make it worth while. Wife gets mad over porn? Silly.

Wife gets mad cause you blew your whole pay check on hookers? Worthwhile.

Not even joking.

fionarama

I don't think its the way to have a relationship with any one, the My way or the Highway approach. you are never gonna find a partner who does EVERYTHING the way you think it should be done.