Relationship Advice
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Andreaviolet89
Posts: 290 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok so I'm going to try to cram 3 years worth of info into 1 medium length post.
I'm 24 and have been in a relationship with the same man for 3 years now. Half of that time we have been living together in our own apartment. He is 28 now so 4 years older than I am.
In the time that we've been dating my boyfriend has been unable to obtain a full time job and most of the time we have been together he has been unemployed. He does get paid to go to school because he is a veteran, however, during the summer and winter break he has no income. Guess what happens during those breaks? Yup, I get stuck with all of the financial responsibilities. Not only that, but he has much more free time than I do since he does not work and I work full time, yet I am still expected to do half of all of the cleaning, and all of the cooking.
Of course knowing that I am the primary provider for ourselves and out 2 pets puts a tremendous amount of pressure and stress on me and I know that it can put me in a bad mood. For example, 1 day I went to leave for work and like 20 minutes before I had to be in work he told me that our car insurance had been cancelled because he never paid it. I had to shell out $300 on the spot to reinstate my insurance and his and I was late to work. So then he goes and vents to his friends and family about how mean I can be on the 'occasions' that he doesn't have money. Umm yea wouldn't anyone have been mad in that situation. However, I don't feel that it is their business what goes on in our relationship. He has vented to his best friend to the point that he wont even come over our place because he 'cant stand how I am.' That really hurts me that that is the image of me that he is creating for people. Of course people vent to their friends but in a way where you are still talking about the person you love, not portraying some kind of person with anger issues!
Now here is the big one. Since we started dating he has always been doing favors for his mother. And they are not little favors either. When we first met he had to drive his mother to work for 3rd shift and pick her up every single day. It made hanging out together really hard to do. Then as time went on I found out that he has bought her a vehicle, put it in his name and was paying the taxes and insurance on it for her. She ended up losing her job and then she was asking him for money for groceries and things like that, which he did give her at times. When we moved in together I told him that the financial favors needed to stop because we couldn't afford to support her needs and ours. He agreed but then last week I found out that he had to go pay the taxes on her car because it is in his name!! Not only that, but his uncle owes him money too. Plus his aunt will email me asking for me to take her grocery shopping and stuff like that.
I don't know what to do. I love this man but everything else is wrong. I already kind of broke up with him. I need to be with a man who is going to be able to help provide and be a team because ultimately I want a family. Im worried that I wont be able to do that with him. I resent him so much for doing this stuff for his family behind my back while I struggled to pay bills alone. I also feel like a jerk for moving in with him when he never made any effort to propose. It was only after we broke up that he said that he was looking at rings.
What would you do in my position. I don't want to lose true love but I also don't want to be held back in life. The thought of him actually leaving and maybe finding another woman hurts, but the thought of supporting him and his family forever is just as bad.
Help!
I'm 24 and have been in a relationship with the same man for 3 years now. Half of that time we have been living together in our own apartment. He is 28 now so 4 years older than I am.
In the time that we've been dating my boyfriend has been unable to obtain a full time job and most of the time we have been together he has been unemployed. He does get paid to go to school because he is a veteran, however, during the summer and winter break he has no income. Guess what happens during those breaks? Yup, I get stuck with all of the financial responsibilities. Not only that, but he has much more free time than I do since he does not work and I work full time, yet I am still expected to do half of all of the cleaning, and all of the cooking.
Of course knowing that I am the primary provider for ourselves and out 2 pets puts a tremendous amount of pressure and stress on me and I know that it can put me in a bad mood. For example, 1 day I went to leave for work and like 20 minutes before I had to be in work he told me that our car insurance had been cancelled because he never paid it. I had to shell out $300 on the spot to reinstate my insurance and his and I was late to work. So then he goes and vents to his friends and family about how mean I can be on the 'occasions' that he doesn't have money. Umm yea wouldn't anyone have been mad in that situation. However, I don't feel that it is their business what goes on in our relationship. He has vented to his best friend to the point that he wont even come over our place because he 'cant stand how I am.' That really hurts me that that is the image of me that he is creating for people. Of course people vent to their friends but in a way where you are still talking about the person you love, not portraying some kind of person with anger issues!
Now here is the big one. Since we started dating he has always been doing favors for his mother. And they are not little favors either. When we first met he had to drive his mother to work for 3rd shift and pick her up every single day. It made hanging out together really hard to do. Then as time went on I found out that he has bought her a vehicle, put it in his name and was paying the taxes and insurance on it for her. She ended up losing her job and then she was asking him for money for groceries and things like that, which he did give her at times. When we moved in together I told him that the financial favors needed to stop because we couldn't afford to support her needs and ours. He agreed but then last week I found out that he had to go pay the taxes on her car because it is in his name!! Not only that, but his uncle owes him money too. Plus his aunt will email me asking for me to take her grocery shopping and stuff like that.
I don't know what to do. I love this man but everything else is wrong. I already kind of broke up with him. I need to be with a man who is going to be able to help provide and be a team because ultimately I want a family. Im worried that I wont be able to do that with him. I resent him so much for doing this stuff for his family behind my back while I struggled to pay bills alone. I also feel like a jerk for moving in with him when he never made any effort to propose. It was only after we broke up that he said that he was looking at rings.
What would you do in my position. I don't want to lose true love but I also don't want to be held back in life. The thought of him actually leaving and maybe finding another woman hurts, but the thought of supporting him and his family forever is just as bad.
Help!
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Replies
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True love =/= sucking the life, finances, etc. out of your partner.
This one is easy! Move out. Soon. Stop supporting him financially. At this point he's using you for support and you're enabling him. Get your life back and stop supporting his deadbeat ways!!0 -
You seem to have a really complicated situation over here. Here are a few questions that you have to answer honestly to, as much as possible.
1. Do you love him? (That one is tricky because of course you love him or else you wouldn't have done all the sacrifices you did for him. But do you love him as much as you used to? Enough to let go on a few things that might irritate you? I myself stayed in a relationship a long time without really loving the person by I was to scared to face it so I didn't ask myself the real question.)
2. How do you act when he is around? (Sometimes, you can get so angry at someone that whenever he is around you your way of acting changes (in a bad way) without even realising it. You might be cold, overreact to things without really noticing it and it may change his way of acting around you.)
3. How does he act when your are around him? (Has he changed? If yes, I a few reasons. It might be because of #2, it might be because he doesn't love you anymore (he might not know it yet), he probably also has presure on him (mother, $, school, etc.)
I think the best way to solve this is to sit with him, make him undertand that you want to have a conversation with him and that this conversation will decide of your future. Keep in mind that a sucessfull relationship is one where the 2 are committed and the 2 make sacrifices.
Good luck!0 -
You need to sit down and tell him everything that you just said to us.
I personally, would not date someone who didn't work and expected me to support them and expected me to do everything around the house too. I love taking care of my fiance and I cook 99% of the time because I love taking care of him, but he works full-time building custom houses while I have an office job so I want to cook since he has a physically demanding job compared to mine. But he is very appreciative of it, helps or cooks when he can and provides for us as well.
He said he is looking at rings, but how can he afford one? Or is going to be another debt that you'll end up getting stuck paying? You dont want to marry him if he has all of this debt - you'll take that on too as his legal spouse.
I think you already know your answer - but if you don't like that, sit down, have a talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel and what he needs to do or it's not going to work out.0 -
I think that if you love him and want to try to salvage the relationship, you need to get into some relationship counseling. It will help you both learn how to communicate more effectively with each other. Sometimes when you are too close to the problem, you don't see things the way people on the outside can. He definitely needs to be pulling his share when you are working full time and he's not working, i.e. doing the cooking and cleaning. That's how a partnership works, all the burden shouldn't just be on you.0
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You seem to have a really complicated situation over here. Here are a few questions that you have to answer honestly to, as much as possible.
1. Do you love him? (That one is tricky because of course you love him or else you wouldn't have done all the sacrifices you did for him. But do you love him as much as you used to? Enough to let go on a few things that might irritate you? I myself stayed in a relationship a long time without really loving the person by I was to scared to face it so I didn't ask myself the real question.)
2. How do you act when he is around? (Sometimes, you can get so angry at someone that whenever he is around you your way of acting changes (in a bad way) without even realising it. You might be cold, overreact to things without really noticing it and it may change his way of acting around you.)
3. How does he act when your are around him? (Has he changed? If yes, I a few reasons. It might be because of #2, it might be because he doesn't love you anymore (he might not know it yet), he probably also has presure on him (mother, $, school, etc.)
I think the best way to solve this is to sit with him, make him undertand that you want to have a conversation with him and that this conversation will decide of your future. Keep in mind that a sucessfull relationship is one where the 2 are committed and the 2 make sacrifices.
Good luck!
Thank you, you have a lot of really good points here that I should look into. I agree that sometimes people are not even really in love anymore but more so afraid of the unknown.0 -
I think that if you love him and want to try to salvage the relationship, you need to get into some relationship counseling. It will help you both learn how to communicate more effectively with each other. Sometimes when you are too close to the problem, you don't see things the way people on the outside can. He definitely needs to be pulling his share when you are working full time and he's not working, i.e. doing the cooking and cleaning. That's how a partnership works, all the burden shouldn't just be on you.
I agree, it shouldn't all be on me. We went to one session and she told him he really has a lot he needs to work on and I think that hearing it from her and not me made him wake up but still I'm not sure that I want to wait years for him to get all his **** together. . .0 -
True love =/= sucking the life, finances, etc. out of your partner.
This one is easy! Move out. Soon. Stop supporting him financially. At this point he's using you for support and you're enabling him. Get your life back and stop supporting his deadbeat ways!!
Yeah these thoughts crossed my mind too. Thank you.0 -
I would finish the breakup and consider myself lucky that I wasn't married to him.0
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Love is about having each other's back in the rough and easy times. But his rough time seems to be lasting a little too long and he doesn't sound like he wants to change it much. I feel bad for you because I know how it is to be the main support of the household but my boyfriend was laid off and found another job. I don't think I could have done 4 years of that by myself. Maybe time apart is best for you both and see if it doesn't relieve you of stress. As women we tend to hang out to loved ones we should let go because it tears us apart to picture them with another. But in the long run we would be happier without them.
I would sit him down and let him know all of your frustrations and see if he is willing to change and give a deadline. If no change maybe its time to do Andrea and not Andrea and smoochy boyfriend.0 -
I would finish the breakup and consider myself lucky that I wasn't married to him.
Yeah this is what one of my good friends said as well.0 -
Love is about having each other's back in the rough and easy times. But his rough time seems to be lasting a little too long and he doesn't sound like he wants to change it much. I feel bad for you because I know how it is to be the main support of the household but my boyfriend was laid off and found another job. I don't think I could have done 4 years of that by myself. Maybe time apart is best for you both and see if it doesn't relieve you of stress. As women we tend to hang out to loved ones we should let go because it tears us apart to picture them with another. But in the long run we would be happier without them.
I would sit him down and let him know all of your frustrations and see if he is willing to change and give a deadline. If no change maybe its time to do Andrea and not Andrea and smoochy boyfriend.
Ya, he is looking for a new apartment today actually because I told him I think he needs to work on his issues. It is def one of the hardest things I ever had to do tho. We still plan on seeing each other but not so seriously until he resolves some of this stuff.0 -
Now here is the big one. Since we started dating he has always been doing favors for his mother. And they are not little favors either.
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Love is about having each other's back in the rough and easy times. But his rough time seems to be lasting a little too long and he doesn't sound like he wants to change it much. I feel bad for you because I know how it is to be the main support of the household but my boyfriend was laid off and found another job. I don't think I could have done 4 years of that by myself. Maybe time apart is best for you both and see if it doesn't relieve you of stress. As women we tend to hang out to loved ones we should let go because it tears us apart to picture them with another. But in the long run we would be happier without them.
I would sit him down and let him know all of your frustrations and see if he is willing to change and give a deadline. If no change maybe its time to do Andrea and not Andrea and smoochy boyfriend.
Ya, he is looking for a new apartment today actually because I told him I think he needs to work on his issues. It is def one of the hardest things I ever had to do tho. We still plan on seeing each other but not so seriously until he resolves some of this stuff.
WOW that fast...Sounds like that is best. You have a lot going on in your life and worry about making yourself happy. Trust me I have been in a relationship where I have lost myself and finally I am worrying about myself first because I know now that my relationship wont be happy until I am happy.0 -
Let me know if things don't work out.0
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Lose him.
You're not is Mommy, you're his Partner. I get it that you love him, but you'll soon lose that respect and learn to resent him. You've already taken that first step by bringing it up on this forum. Every day you spend with him , is a wasted day of your life. Find someone with similar goals, similar dreams and that cares enough for you to support your relationship.
Go ahead now and defend him0 -
I'm a veteran as well, but it isn't hard to find a job moved to another state for my wife's family and i still have had work. He can say it is PTSD or a bunch of other things. He is just lazy and things people owe him something for his service it is sad really, sorry but it is a good thing you broke up because I see that just going the wrong way for you.0
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no one who loves you makes you look bad to his friends & family.
someone who loves you makes sure you look good to them
just saying.
sorry, it sucks when you love someone & its one sided.0 -
Lose him.
You're not is Mommy, you're his Partner. I get it that you love him, but you'll soon lose that respect and learn to resent him. You've already taken that first step by bringing it up on this forum. Every day you spend with him , is a wasted day of your life. Find someone with similar goals, similar dreams and that cares enough for you to support your relationship.
Go ahead now and defend him
damn straight.0 -
I may be the odd man out on this, as everyone else is saying communicate, talk to him etc, but no. Leave him and never look back. He has proven over and over that he has no drive and therefore no future. He is shallow, thinks only of himself or his family, and even disrespectful to you with them. He is VERY obviously just with you for a free ride, and you are too nice allowing him to push you around and manipulate you into thinking that you are a bad person for complaining to him.
Were this me, he would have a job or be gone in the first few months. Everyone falls on hard times, but it sounds like this guy does NOT care to better himself, why should you? Dump that waste of time/money and find yourself someone who will appreciate and deserve your love.
p.s. To your hopefully ex: Thanks for making us men look bad, jerk.0 -
Dump him. You deserve so much better. Doesn't sound like he respects you.0
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