Ashamed of my self.
scm1991
Posts: 14 Member
I'm so ashamed of my self. So ashamed that I've been beating the crap out of my self since I got on the scale 4 days ago and saw that number. When I was in highschool I always told my self it was one thing that I was already overweight but if I ever got up to 300lbs I would just kill my self. Well now I have a husband and child and would never do that but it's hard not to think about it. Pre pregnancy my heaviest I ever was, was 270.. That was around 18.. The post pregnancy around 20 I was 285 my new heaviest.. Now I'm 23 and the heaviest I've ever been at 307.. I just keep asking my self wtf happened? Why do I keep doing this to my self. I get so gung-ho to lose weight and excited and planning my weight loss and if I keep a steady pace when I could reach my goal weight.. Then I just quit. And it's not for lack of support or know how. I'm not stupid I know that I should eat fewer calories than I expend.. And I know cardio would really help me and drinking water instead of soda.. I know all of these things.. I mean hell my husband has a degree in physical education and is a wrestling coach he's like the master of quick weight loss (healthy quick weight loss they require hydration tests so it's not water weight) and he tells me all the time if I really want help he will help me.. I just can't bring my self to listen to him because I'm so comfortable with him.. He's offered to take me to a gym and get a membership and a personal trainer if I will stick to it.. I want to but I'm scared that they will want to push me too hard and I'll quit.. Like I always do... What the hell is wrong with me... I hate my self.
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Replies
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I don't have any 'awesome' advice for you unfortunately, because I never truly made the effort to lose until a few years ago. I'm 37 but your post struck a chord with me because I too hovered in the 260-270 range - for over a DECADE - and always felt like "well I'm just gonna be big, but at least I'm under 300" and then suddenly hit my highest weight, also 307 the same as you. I am now at 208. The biggest help for me was setting small goals. Everyone's different but for me to think about a goal weight of 160 or 180 when I weighed 307 would have just made me want to give up on the entire idea...too overwhelming!! At 280 or 300 I was just thinking about miles I could walk without feeling tired, and small changes to my diet. At 262 when I joined MFP, my "goal weight" was 220. Now I'm working toward 199 and probably 180 after that. I don't claim to be a massive success story or anything like that, and I don't even consider myself to be all that motivated honestly. This 98 lb loss has taken five years (although MFP logging really sped things up!)...there's no huge rush.
Good luck to you!!0 -
being fat is hard... losing weight is hard... choose your hard...
if you put all the energy you're expending being mad at yourself into making positive changes, just think how far you'd get....0 -
being fat is hard... losing weight is hard... choose your hard...
if you put all the energy you're expending being mad at yourself into making positive changes, just think how far you'd get....
This.
Buck up and do it!0 -
Take it one step at a time. If you try to make too many changes at once, of course it's overwhelming and too hard to keep up in the long term. So pick one small action that you know would be good for your health, and that you feel you are capable of achieving, and just do that for now. You mentioned soda, so perhaps you could swap your soda for water or seltzer. Just make that one change, and don't make any other change until that first change feels natural and easy.0
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A little tough love...
First of all, stop wasting all that time and energy on beating yourself up and having a pity party and instead use it for a productive purpose. I've been pretty much where you are now. I get feeling wishy-washy about Hubby's help as when I finally decided to get this weight off once and for all, I refused assistance from a couple of people. I needed to do this all on my own. Emotional support, sure. Cheerleading my efforts, bring it on. Financial support (was in WW, Mom offered to pay fees for me) or wanting to give me loads of advice on diet and exercise - thanks but no, I got it. And it sounds like you've got similar boundaries, which is fine but you have to stop using it as an excuse and come up with your own plan if you won't use someone elses.
For me, it took a lot of mental preparation. I had to really think about what worked in the past and what didn't. And I had to think about why I really wanted to lose weight (because things like high school reunion coming up or wanting to get skinny never stuck) and what kind of plan - both food and exercise - I could live with long term. Then you set reasonable goals (nutrition/weight loss and fitness wise), start tracking and slowly tweaking your eating and exercises and with time, you get there.
ETA: I've been at this for 4 years now and learn new things all the time!
Maybe I'm just projecting but I think a lot of people who try and try and never succeed put too much pressure on themselves. They think they have to do everything perfectly and restrict and restrict but the truth is, as long as you have a reasonable calorie deficit and eat fairly nutritionally (more for health than weight loss), you will see progress. Also I think part of the pressure comes from such a strong desire to lose the weight that when the normal natural slow weight loss kicks in after the initial quick (mostly water) weight happens, people give up because they become frustrated. Once you learn and fully accept that it's going to take years, that takes a lot of pressure off.
ETA: I also see a lot of folks comparing their progress to others, includnig those from weight loss so-called reality shows, and they get discouraged if they aren't losing 10 pounds per week. Do NOT do this. You are you, not anyone else. Do what works for you and at your own pace.
And try not to do it for anyone but yourself. Yes, being healthier is a good example for your kiddo and your Hubs will be happy that you'll be around longer but that's a side effect. Do this for your health, for longevity, for mobility, to reduce risks of disease, etc. Best of luck!0 -
You won't know what's going to happen until you get up and do it! Sulking to yourself is going to do absolutely nothing except make you depressed. If you're so comfortable with your husband, he would be the perfect person to help (especially considering his credentials). Just do it girl! You will be so happy when you start to see changes!!!0
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Hey don't get down on yourself. You're only Twenty fcucking Three years old. You can drop the weight, there is nothing stopping you. Make a plan, stick to it but don't give up when things don't go as planned. You got this.0
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If I had to pick a goal aside from the weight I want to be (which is between 130-140) it would be pregnancy.. I really want to have another little one.. But I don't want to be pregnant and 400lbs.. I mean the way I gained weight after my last pregnancy (I didn't gain any weight while pregnant I stayed the same weight it was after pregnancy that I gained it) I would probably weight almost 350 if I had another one right now.. That's my goal I want to be healthy enough to have another one and really enjoy being pregnant and not worry about walking up the stairs and having a blood pressure spike that could hurt my self or my baby.. Being fat sucks.0
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Being fat sucks.
yes, and you are the one person who can change that...0 -
This may be your problem. When you feel you don't deserve it, you'll not pursue it. Gotta "like yourself unconditionally". Post it on your bathroom mirror, your fridge and your car visor. Say it out loud at least once everyday. Sounds stupid to many, but you'd be surprised at how you approach things differently. Though anecdotal, I've had many many people an clients tell me that for some odd reason, it helped them.I hate my self.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
You're human, you make mistakes and bad choices. Everyone has. You have to want it for you, No one else can want it for you. Use your resources, sounds like you have great opportunities, take them. If you don't like it, find some other physical activity you do like!
Consistency! Obviously you will have to get up and move when you don't feel like it (I don't always want to exercise). However, if you find something you enjoy, it's easier to stick with it!
I play competitve volleyball. I can't play everyday because my 'old lady' shoulder won't allow that :-D In between sports days I have to get up and find some other physical activity.0 -
This may be your problem. When you feel you don't deserve it, you'll not pursue it
very good point!0 -
Shed the hate, embrace who you are, and then address your issues. I have found that a person's outside is a direct representative of how they feel on the inside. Build a new legacy of love, respect, and hope for yourself and your family. Start with a little step (literally) and go for a walk 3 days a week, replace soda with water, fried food with baked food, and 50% of your carbs with steamed veggies (veggies are filling). This will get you started, don't starve, but be realistic about your consumption amounts and habits and make it work. You can do this, you just have to raise you chin and convince yourself that it can only get better from here.0
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Lots of good advice here. I know where you are because I have been there. It was a long 19 months ago, but I still have moments when I remember how I felt. I don't think I ever hated myself, but I hated my weight.
Someone told me several years ago that when I was ready to lose weight, I would. I thought that was the dumbest advice ever. You know what? It's absolutely true. When you really want to do the hard work, you will.
That probably sounds as dumb to you, as it did to me. You'll never regret losing the weight. Figure out what you want to do and then do it Best of luck.0 -
You should really be talking to a medical professional and not strangers on the internet.
But since you asked it seems as if you answered your own question multiple times.0 -
This may be your problem. When you feel you don't deserve it, you'll not pursue it. Gotta "like yourself unconditionally". Post it on your bathroom mirror, your fridge and your car visor. Say it out loud at least once everyday. Sounds stupid to many, but you'd be surprised at how you approach things differently. Though anecdotal, I've had many many people an clients tell me that for some odd reason, it helped them.I hate my self.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
absolutely the most accurate thing ive ever read here.
The secret to successful weight loss is simple.
SELF LOVE
You must realize that you are worthy of taking care of yourself and you ARE WORTH IT. but nothing will change until you love yourself enough to make the change.
That is what happened to me on July 22nd 2013. I finally got it. I finally started loving myself and realized loving myself means taking care of my body.
Good luck to you.0 -
no one can help you until you want to help yourself. you are the only one who is in control of what you do. make up your mind what you want, and then except all the help anyone is willing to give to you. good luck, you can loose the weight.0
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You don't need to get a gym membership and a trainer. Start small and easy, with what is fun and works for you. I have lost 65 lbs to date with walking, elliptical and Wii fitness games! I'm having a blast and even get to eat a bit more because of my high activity level.
Keep tweaking til you find YOUR path ... not someone else's!0 -
There're aren't any short cuts. Just do it. Get your head around it and do it. Simples.I'm so ashamed of my self. So ashamed that I've been beating the crap out of my self since I got on the scale 4 days ago and saw that number. When I was in highschool I always told my self it was one thing that I was already overweight but if I ever got up to 300lbs I would just kill my self. Well now I have a husband and child and would never do that but it's hard not to think about it. Pre pregnancy my heaviest I ever was, was 270.. That was around 18.. The post pregnancy around 20 I was 285 my new heaviest.. Now I'm 23 and the heaviest I've ever been at 307.. I just keep asking my self wtf happened? Why do I keep doing this to my self. I get so gung-ho to lose weight and excited and planning my weight loss and if I keep a steady pace when I could reach my goal weight.. Then I just quit. And it's not for lack of support or know how. I'm not stupid I know that I should eat fewer calories than I expend.. And I know cardio would really help me and drinking water instead of soda.. I know all of these things.. I mean hell my husband has a degree in physical education and is a wrestling coach he's like the master of quick weight loss (healthy quick weight loss they require hydration tests so it's not water weight) and he tells me all the time if I really want help he will help me.. I just can't bring my self to listen to him because I'm so comfortable with him.. He's offered to take me to a gym and get a membership and a personal trainer if I will stick to it.. I want to but I'm scared that they will want to push me too hard and I'll quit.. Like I always do... What the hell is wrong with me... I hate my self.
Oh and stop hating yourself. What are you going to get out of that? Nada.0 -
I think a lot of us have been there. I am at my highest weight and lowest low right now too. If you need a buddy...I'm here for ya. I'm deciding to not let Christmas do the damage it can and to start back at it today. I have been out of activity for a while due to a bad back so I'm going to start slow. I have decided to commit to swimming one night a week in winter and going to the gym a few days. If I am very adventurous, I'll even add in some of the Focus t25 program I bought.
But, the first thing is to get the eating back under control and to work in my fruits and veggies again.
I got my first high blood pressure at the doctor yesterday and I am so determined not to have to take pills. I really hope this time can be different...I really struggle with motivation. I'm sure many of us do.
Don't beat yourself up...do something nicer---make a plan and get moving. Start with a small goal, like getting under 300. My small goal will be to get off 10 pounds. Then, hopefully another 10.
You can do it and there's no time like NOW.0 -
Come on..you got this! You can do it! Baby steps...one at a time!0
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Man, o Man, I was there the day I made my commitment to give myself the gift of the best health I could get for myself. Do it for yourself.
You know when you are on the airplane and they go tell you in case of emergency put the oxygen mask on yourself and then help your child? Same with your health. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.
That means you would never want your children to hate themselves. So love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of good health.0 -
Iv'e been there! I overcame this. Honestly you need a mindset and a support system. without friends from my fitness pall and the strength to log on everyday whether it was good choice or bad i would have never lost what i did!. Yes this is hard and its depressing! You can do this!! Add Me I will be here for you as much as i can!! Im down to aroung 160lbs from 340lbs so trust me ive been were u are. Over the years i have joined and started several diets and gyms only to quit because it was to hard. I started small. I cut out soda!! lost 20lbs in a month..It can be done!!0
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If I may suggest it,, decide you will live healthy today. Burn more calories than you eat before you go to bed tonight. Don't think about any other day, just today. Do some form of intentional exercise and make the calories enough to keep your metabolism up but no more. Before your head hits the pillow tonight ask your self how you did. I mean it. Best wishes to you and your hopeful family.0
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For me, losing the "I hate myself" mentality was the biggest obstacle I could overcome. It really helps if you look at yourself in a favorable light... it's not hard to find negativity and criticism from others, so be your own cheerleader. You can do it, it's hard to stick to it, but I was where you are once - I didn't think I could commit to it, either... but here I am...
Also, aside from the journey I'm on right now, I have only ever made one other serious attempt at getting healthy and losing weight. And once I started losing weight and getting more fit, I got pregnant. Just a thought... those little embryos seem to favor a healthier environment :laugh:
Feel free to add me, I try to be a supportive and accountable friend, and we can all use an extra boost now and then!0 -
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Forget the all the reaffirmation of goals and all that well intended tough love responses for a minute. Non of that applises to your situation right now.
The first thing is to realize that the cycle of shame is self enhnacing. Every time you allow shame shame to wash through you it depends its track for next time. Work on letting go of the shame and accepting yourself. Accepting who you are is not the same as accepting current conditions as your 'lot in life', it learning to love yourself enough to feel worthy of moving forward. Nothing will change for the better until you establish that beachhead of worthiness in your heart.
Once that foundatuion exisits- then you can go kick some serious *kitten*, including your own in productive ways when needed.0 -
LOVE IT!
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
Love It.0
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You have the support of your spouse and he's a trainer/coach as well! It's okay to accept a little hep from those who love you.0
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