Ashamed of my self.

sarahrbraun

I'm so ashamed of my self. So ashamed that I've been beating the crap out of my self since I got on the scale 4 days ago and saw that number. When I was in highschool I always told my self it was one thing that I was already overweight but if I ever got up to 300lbs I would just kill my self. Well now I have a husband and child and would never do that but it's hard not to think about it. Pre pregnancy my heaviest I ever was, was 270.. That was around 18.. The post pregnancy around 20 I was 285 my new heaviest.. Now I'm 23 and the heaviest I've ever been at 307.. I just keep asking my self wtf happened? Why do I keep doing this to my self. I get so gung-ho to lose weight and excited and planning my weight loss and if I keep a steady pace when I could reach my goal weight.. Then I just quit. And it's not for lack of support or know how. I'm not stupid I know that I should eat fewer calories than I expend.. And I know cardio would really help me and drinking water instead of soda.. I know all of these things.. I mean hell my husband has a degree in physical education and is a wrestling coach he's like the master of quick weight loss (healthy quick weight loss they require hydration tests so it's not water weight) and he tells me all the time if I really want help he will help me.. I just can't bring my self to listen to him because I'm so comfortable with him.. He's offered to take me to a gym and get a membership and a personal trainer if I will stick to it.. I want to but I'm scared that they will want to push me too hard and I'll quit.. Like I always do... What the hell is wrong with me... I hate my self.

I feel your pain. That was ME two years ago. At my heaviest, I was heavier than I was when I hit the delivery room with any of my children.

I decided the gym was what I needed to get the weight off. The first 2 weeks or so I just went in and did cardio. 30 minutes on the treadmill about killed me! My legs would be shaky, and my feet throbbed. The third week I added in a few machines, and even got up the nerve to ask the trainer on duty to suggest a few others.

Once I decided that I was almost ready to start working with a trainer, I started observing. On TV you hear about these hard *kitten* trainers who "motivate" you by yelling in your face and insulting you...Justin is NOTHING like that. I spent months watching him with various clients, including a woman, and I saw them laughing and joking as they went through workouts. Never did he raise his voice, or say an unkind word to anyone. When I was ready to work with a trainer, I picked him Maybe I just got lucky, but Justin has been my biggest cheerleader for the longest time. He gently pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me realize that I was stronger than I thought I was.

Justin left the gym, and I worried about his replacement. Brian told me his style was probably different, and it was. The first session he pushed me a little too hard, and I almost had an asthma attack-TWICE. The next session he knew me a little better, and asked me frequently how I was feeling, and made me promise to let him know if I was having any issues.

Maybe I just hit the trainer lotto, but I can tell you without a doubt, I absolutely LOVE Justin and Brian, and trust them with my life. I have coffee about every 6 weeks or so with Justin, and we text regularly. Brian and his wife are expecting a baby boy in late March, and I have already crocheted the little guy two blankets.

ETA... And in 22 months, with *only* 38lbs lost, I have changed my body so much!


0120100909 by crochetmom2010, on Flickr


#fitspo #hardworkwins #nevergiveup #notacardiobunny by crochetmom2010, on Flickr

you probably need to start with little steps. Maybe today you can start alternating your pop with glasses of water. I allow myself 2 cups of coffee a day, but I make myself drink a quart of water before I can have the second one.

BrandNewMeBy30

I know how you feel. Trust me I really do. Remember this feeling. Bottle it up and work your butt off to never feel this way again. I'm rooting for u!!

scm1991

I wanted to thank everyone for their support and advice. I DID read every single response. I woke up this morning and told my self that today was going to be different. I won't walk on the treadmill today because my back is really sore (I had an epidural that went wrong and pierced a muscle) but in the even that it does feel better I will start with 5 minutes and see how I feel bat doing five more and so on. I told my self I was going to eat a Healy breakfast if I have to rip the whole refrigerator apart to find something remotely healthy and not covered in sauce,

If I could I would like to ask for a little more advice.
We live in our Inlaws home because of the crap economy around here and as such they do the grocery shopping and cooking. It's difficult to find things that are healthy and not covered in sauce or deep fried because they cook in HUGE portions because they're used to feeding five teenage boys.. And they're freaking amazing cooks. There is no convincing them to cook more healthy they cook what they cook eat it or don't I tried... So what should I do? I am going to buy some frozen veggies n stuff for my self tomorrow and jam them into the over stuffed freezer but I'm positive that within five minutes she will come behind me and rearrange the freezer so they're in the very bottom and I have to dig to find them.

scm1991

I wanted to thank everyone for their support and advice. I DID read every single response. I woke up this morning and told my self that today was going to be different. I won't walk on the treadmill today because my back is really sore (I had an epidural that went wrong and pierced a muscle) but in the even that it does feel better I will start with 5 minutes and see how I feel bat doing five more and so on. I told my self I was going to eat a Healy breakfast if I have to rip the whole refrigerator apart to find something remotely healthy and not covered in sauce,

If I could I would like to ask for a little more advice.
We live in our Inlaws home because of the crap economy around here and as such they do the grocery shopping and cooking. It's difficult to find things that are healthy and not covered in sauce or deep fried because they cook in HUGE portions because they're used to feeding five teenage boys.. And they're freaking amazing cooks. There is no convincing them to cook more healthy they cook what they cook eat it or don't I tried... So what should I do? I am going to buy some frozen veggies n stuff for my self tomorrow and jam them into the over stuffed freezer but I'm positive that within five minutes she will come behind me and rearrange the freezer so they're in the very bottom and I have to dig to find them.

BrainyBurro

I wanted to thank everyone for their support and advice. I DID read every single response. I woke up this morning and told my self that today was going to be different. I won't walk on the treadmill today because my back is really sore (I had an epidural that went wrong and pierced a muscle) but in the even that it does feel better I will start with 5 minutes and see how I feel bat doing five more and so on. I told my self I was going to eat a Healy breakfast if I have to rip the whole refrigerator apart to find something remotely healthy and not covered in sauce,

If I could I would like to ask for a little more advice.
We live in our Inlaws home because of the crap economy around here and as such they do the grocery shopping and cooking. It's difficult to find things that are healthy and not covered in sauce or deep fried because they cook in HUGE portions because they're used to feeding five teenage boys.. And they're freaking amazing cooks. There is no convincing them to cook more healthy they cook what they cook eat it or don't I tried... So what should I do? I am going to buy some frozen veggies n stuff for my self tomorrow and jam them into the over stuffed freezer but I'm positive that within five minutes she will come behind me and rearrange the freezer so they're in the very bottom and I have to dig to find them.

there's no such things as "healthy" or "unhealthy" food. it's all just fuel. you can eat ANYTHING if you just watch your portions. nutritionally, focus on your micro- and macro-nutrients. then keep your portion small enough to meet your calorie goal. that's all there is to it. ask your inlaws to buy fruits that you can snack on to keep your hunger at bay until you adjust to the lower calories. eating protein and fats can help keep you feeling full. eggs are a great breakfast and have both.

just because you are trying to lose weight, you can't expect everyone else in the house to change their habits to accomodate you. learn to do what you need to do for yourself without expecting others to assist you... and you'll never see them as roadblocks on your path.

BlueBombers

If I could do it, anyone can do it...believe me!

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give 'er!

KristyAnn81

A number on the scale doesn't define who you are. If you want to let it define anything, let it define the course of action you take from here on out. Everyone is here for the same reason, to be healthier. Set your goals, get addicted to my fitness pal with logging your food (yes, it becomes an addiction...maybe it was just me?) and weigh yourself in 4 weeks. Just eating healthier and not being scared of the scale, you'll be surprised at the results you'll start to get. When I started to lose weight, I made the diet changes and got the motivation to boost to adding exercise after that. 50 pounds later, I couldn't believe where I was (then I got pregnant again .. but that's a different story.. lol)

mjharman

First - STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! You are where you are, but you don't have to stay there. YOU REALLY DON'T! The power is in your hands...and only your hands.

Next - stop relying on that initial motivation. IT FADES. Become DETERMINED. Make this your new motto: "Success is achieved through EFFORT, DETERMINATION, and PERSEVERANCE."

Now, let me give you a few words of wisdom based on my experience...
I have always been larger than my husband. I have spent my entire life with him dieting, and failing, and dieting, and failing, and dieting... The problem was, I really never believed in myself. I never believed I could be successful. I knew I would fail, so I put roadblocks in my own way to insure that I did.

When I finally reached the point where my weight was NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE, I was able to make the changes that I needed. I gave myself a year. Instead of concentrating on the amount of weight I wanted to lose, I concentrated on getting through that year, one month at a time, one week at a time, one day at a time.

Don't look back, twenty years from now, and regret that you didn't do this sooner. Don't wait another minute. DO THIS NOW. KNOW THAT YOU CAN. AND GIVE YOURSELF A YEAR.

And don't forget that you will encounter NSVs along the way...they are what will make this journey worthwhile. Wait for them...cherish them...write about them. They are truly powerful treasures!
YOU GOT THIS! :flowerforyou:

OK - I just saw the update on your food question, so here is my advice...

I live in a house full of men...my husband and my three adult sons. I cook for them. I could not change the way that I cook for them to accommodate my diet...there would be an uproar! A major one! So, this is what I do...

Breakfast: I don't like breakfast, but per my dietitian, it is important to eat one. Mine typically consists of a piece of toast (whole wheat, low-calorie bread), a pat of butter (fat is needed), and a piece of fruit.

Lunch: soup or salad, or a sandwich on light wheat bread with 3 oz. of protein (lunch meat and cheese), light mayo, lettuce, tomato, cucumbers, sliced bell pepper. I've found I must have fresh, raw vegetables with my lunch or I'm famished all afternoon.

Afternoon Snacks: Greek yogurt or low-fat cottage cheese with fruit

Dinner: WHATEVER EVERYONE ELSE IS HAVING, but mine is served on a salad plate. If this is a meat, starch, and veggie type of meal, make sure the vegetables fill half of the plate, the starch is 1/4, and the meat is the size of a deck of cards (3 oz.) If its a pasta meal, limit the amount of pasta. If the meat is deep fried, cut back on the other starch.

Hope this helps!

cafeaulait7

I wanted to thank everyone for their support and advice. I DID read every single response. I woke up this morning and told my self that today was going to be different. I won't walk on the treadmill today because my back is really sore (I had an epidural that went wrong and pierced a muscle) but in the even that it does feel better I will start with 5 minutes and see how I feel bat doing five more and so on. I told my self I was going to eat a Healy breakfast if I have to rip the whole refrigerator apart to find something remotely healthy and not covered in sauce,

If I could I would like to ask for a little more advice.
We live in our Inlaws home because of the crap economy around here and as such they do the grocery shopping and cooking. It's difficult to find things that are healthy and not covered in sauce or deep fried because they cook in HUGE portions because they're used to feeding five teenage boys.. And they're freaking amazing cooks. There is no convincing them to cook more healthy they cook what they cook eat it or don't I tried... So what should I do? I am going to buy some frozen veggies n stuff for my self tomorrow and jam them into the over stuffed freezer but I'm positive that within five minutes she will come behind me and rearrange the freezer so they're in the very bottom and I have to dig to find them.

Take your usual portion, then wrap up a third or half, or whatever percentage your calories need to bump down. That can be a pain compared to eating less calorie-dense food, but your appetite could just as easily adjust over a couple of weeks. You'll still be eating enough calories if you don't do a crazy cut, so you really might not even get actually hungry. Habit hungry, yes

Having yogurts, etc, around is really, really helpful, though, so do try to find a way to have some of your own food here and there. I eat dry high-protein cereal for a crunchy snack. You can keep a box of that anywhere if you needed to

KathleenC12

I too have read every reply; so much great advice, straight talk and caring from people who have never even met you! They know you can do this, and so do I.

Keep your own food in the fridge, even if you have to put it in its own box. You can't eat calorie-dense, nutrient-poor food and feel well while you lose.

Hoping you do not hate yourself, just certain behavior and habits, which you are already changing.