Weightloss causing Relationship issues?

jlturner386

So my husband and I started this journey together back in February. I was about 6 weeks post partum. We got on a meal delivery service and everything. We both had success I lost 24 lbs by May and he has lost about 40......I was only about 18 lbs from my goal weight, and I had medical issues which stalled my weightloss. I was unable to do some of the exercises I loved to do. Then I found out I had to have laprascopic surgery and would be down for up to 6 weeks. before my 6 weeks was up, I was laid off, and I became a stay at home mom with a 6 month old and a 5 year old who wouldn't start school til August (there went any time for myself). I started an online shop where I sell handmade baby quilts and blankets and would spend my extra time on that. (never really got the extra time til my daughter started school, then it was only nap time at my house) I went back to work at the end of October and now I am just struggling to find time to balance family, work, my store, girl scouts (i'm the leader) and my health....unfortunately my weight is my backburner, and I never get a moment to exercise. I am so out of shape, and to make matters worse, my husband is now 60 lbs down, and he looks down on me and my weight gain.....I am up almost 20 lbs I wake up at 4:30 every morning to be at work by 6....don't get home most evenings til 6 or 7pm with kids in tow.....this leaves no time for anything whatsoever.......and I am jealous that my husband just goes to the gym 4 nights a week at 8 pm the second the kids heads hit the pillow....and because I have to be up so early for my job I can never do that......he doesn't go to work til 7 or 7:30 doesn't get home til 5:30 or 6 and if i don't cook dinner we eat out, which is fine, but eating out and not working out causes weight gain.....i would continue to lose weight too if i ate out and spent 8 hours in the gym a week......How do I get out of this rut, I want to be supportive of my husband I am very proud of him, but I can't take it sometimes!

sarahmoo12

Why dont you start those 30min work out routines ?? There are loads of free ones on youtube and 30day shred is great. That way you can be at home and do it when your kids go to bed n hubby at the gym ?

uconnwinsnc

Don't be sure he looks down on you. You're just frustrated with yourself and you are finding someone else to blame your feelings on. I suspect he'd be more than willing to help you get on track again if you talk to him.

cuinboston2014

Have you talked to your husband about this? I often have much longer days than my husband but we are both dedicated to working out - albeit for different reasons as he has a phenomenal body already. However, if I need him to do anything extra at home so I can get my workout in, he will. A lot of times I do a 25 minute workout if that's all I can get.

This week has been crazy for me and on top of extra hours at work I have had surgery so I also can't work out. i've compensated by eating much less than normal. You can still lose weight without working out.

What about working out on your lunch hour though? on the weekends?

Definitely sounds like you need to communicate with your husband... marriage is a team effort

cmsmj1

I don't normally get on with posting - but your husband needs to be helping you a but more.

The basics, which you know, are that you need your diet to be right - not having a lot of time etc is not really a valid excuse for eating too much or choosing the foods you know are not best for you.

You'll get a lot of replies, I am sure - but the big thing I read from your post - Your husband needs to support you and if he cannot see it, then tell him how it is.

You know you can do it - you just need a break and a new routine..and he can be the person that allows you to make the change

sarahmoo12

Oooo also try cooking big meals that will last a few days and make even a few meals at once and put some in the freezer like pies, soups, stews ??

prettygirlstorm1

Hi! Have you talked to your husband about your issues. Maybe the two of you can come up with a schedule where he can take care of the kids in the evening while you work out. Sometimes we as Mom don't allow people to help us. Your husband won't know what you need until you tell him. Does you gym have a day care that is a possibility as well. That way the kids could play while you work out. Another suggestion is can you work out at lunch time. Can you take a walk or does your work place have a gym. It is definitely hard trying to wear many hats. I know when my kids were young I didn't want to do anything after working all day, cooking dinner and finding time to play Mommy. My husband was great we switched off so that I could have "me" time. Continue to encourage your husband because once this is all worked out and it will be you are going to want the same from him. Good luck to you I am sure it will all work out!!!

jax71868

Definitely talk to your husband about your need for more support. Can you take a walk during your break(s) from work? Even 30 min. a day will make a big difference.

socajam

Why dont you start those 30min work out routines ?? There are loads of free ones on youtube and 30day shred is great. That way you can be at home and do it when your kids go to bed n hubby at the gym ?

I second that.

jlturner386

I do know that he looks down on me, he has told me my weight gain is not good. I just want to turn into a 5 year old and say NO DUH!!! He also is on my about working overtime which takes 2 hours after my shift is over AND saturdays.....because we want a bigger house, and he is salary so he doesn't get overtime......

We just started Marriage counseling last night, and I have said exactly what I'm saying in here, but when I say it he doesn't hear me, the couselor can literally repeat me and then voila! he hears him.....its frustrating! He is tuned out to my needs.

I have been walking on my breaks and I feel ok about that. I love to use my dance games on wii I am going to start doing those when he leaves for the gym, I just know I won't be able to sleep afterward, that's a cause for concern....

I have just started logging my food again, and I have to say I think my biggest issue is either NOT eating for more than 4 hours.....or my meals in the evening....when I would be happy about having a bowl of cereal and some turkey sausage, my husband wants a real dinner which requires either me cooking or us eating out.....i'm sorry but there are no healthy choices at the BBQ places here in KC....but if i don't let him have the food he wants he is a JERK the rest of the evening to everyone kids included....and its bc he basically starves himself all day and then eats 1500 calories at once at dinner......total sabotaging my eating habits.....

kkeen1487

Great tips here, Im going to friend some of you awesome supporters.

I say the same stuff, Im a single mom so I dont know if I have the same insight but I cook extra on weekend, I plan a lot of weekends too. I also have my daughter enrolled at the after school program at my gym so I go work out before I even pick her up. Then I dont loose focus. You have to take time for yourself or you will be useless to them. Maybe cut back on scouts too, perhaps another mom can help out every other meeting or something.

Good Luck!!!

Marcia315

I do know that he looks down on me, he has told me my weight gain is not good. I just want to turn into a 5 year old and say NO DUH!!! He also is on my about working overtime which takes 2 hours after my shift is over AND saturdays.....because we want a bigger house, and he is salary so he doesn't get overtime......I can't please everyone

So tell him that if you could alternate nights going to the gym and cooking, you could lose the weight.

Danny_Boy13

Can you and your husband not just alternate when the other trains? Or maybe since he can get to work later you workout first and then he goes as soon as you are finished?

piratebear1

What do you work as? I have a sedentry desk job - but when everyone is out of the office I do 10 mins walking on the spot - burns 30 calories -every little helps, I can do around an hour a day of this on and off. Also, I do wall push ups in reps of 10 or 15 - same as you my hubby is losing weight too - and he has a more active job than I - I wont let him win! lol

Seems to me perhaps hubby could collect the kids a few nights a week and you head to the gym straight from work ? if not possible - dont let it get you down - do tummy exercises in the bath - juggle your legs at your desk, make it work as best you can. But I would really say Hubby needs to help you out more.

Do you have a dog? we have 4 - I always tell hubby to leave at least 2 dogs unwalked so i have to go out and walk them - I end up doing walks at 10/11pm some nights, I use Map my walk and burn a fair few calories this way - plus when im home im then out like a light!

fulleroaks

Focus on your diet. You don't need to exercise to lose weight.

Talk to your husband about your schedule to attempt to make things a little more equitable.

SonicDeathMonkey80

I hate to be the one to say it, but I hear a ton of excuses. I'm envious of people who have two-parent households. Yeah, you have a lot of stuff going on, but you make your priorities work, or they aren't priorities - just crap you'd like to get around to doing but don't really want to. You don't need to exercise to lose weight, and adjusting caloric intake due to a medically-necessary lack of motion is just common sense. I run a lot and eat 2000-2500 cal/day to maintain, but if I knew I couldn't for 6 weeks, I'd knock it down to 1700-1800.

cuinboston2014

I do know that he looks down on me, he has told me my weight gain is not good. I just want to turn into a 5 year old and say NO DUH!!! He also is on my about working overtime which takes 2 hours after my shift is over AND saturdays.....because we want a bigger house, and he is salary so he doesn't get overtime......I can't please everyone

Oh dear... I know this is a little snip of your life but he doesn't sound like an amazingly supportive husband. You need to try to put your foot down even though it's hard. Tell him you can't keep going at this rate for your health. he needs to understand that. If he is desperate for you to work overtime then tell him to get a second job! (OK that's my smart *kitten* response and not good advice lol). Seriously, though. Sit down and tell him what YOU need. Try to start with even one night a week. Just one... and give yourself time for yourself on Sundays. Take baby steps.

It doesn't sound like weight loss is causing the relationship issue though. it sounds like you guys are on completely separate pages. Good luck!

fannyfrost

I hate to say this, but the answer is he has to do more to allow you time to workout too. Tell him to pick up the kids and you stop at the gym straight from work 2 days a week. If he says "you need to" yes but I need your help then. This usually either shuts them up or gets them to help. Tell him that YOU are his priority too.

dbanks80

Can your husband help out by cooking dinner sometimes or picking up the kids to allow you to get one hour of me time?

AleciaG724

There are lots of workouts on youtube for free that you can do after the kiddos are in bed. But talk to him about helping out with meals & getting the kids ready for bed. There are lots of healthy crockpot recipes online that he put together in the morning. Prep as much as you can on the weekends - big pots of soup, chili, etc. can last all week. If you eat meat, roast a couple of whole chickens or pork roasts, or grill a bunch or chicken breasts & you can use them to make quick meals like tacos, quesadillas, BBQ sandwiches, add to soups & salads, lunch wraps... all kinds of things. This saves a ton of time!

Marriage is a partnership. If you are both working full time, there is no reason that chores, meals, and childcare should not be split up evenly. I'm a SAHM now, but when I worked we'd divide & conquer so we would each get some time with the kids, but also "me" time & quality time together. All are very important in a relationship.

Best of luck to you!

jlturner386

Agreed.....LOL! When our daughter was about 10 months old (she's 5 now)he started shutting down towards me, I think because she was out of the baby stage and more independent and therefore needs more attention so I am the one willing to get down on the floor and play he is not.....and I think he almost competed with my attention towards her.......but he literally checked out......we split for a month back then....then he wanted to be a family again and came back Mr. Supportive and things were great

Fastforward to my son being 10 months old and it has started all over again......literally exactly the same attitude and lack of support. Completely Checked out.....i just can't get into his head to understand what is happening.....

lyzmorrison

So tell him that if you could alternate nights going to the gym and cooking, you could lose the weight.

^^ This!

I was going to say the exact same thing. Sounds to me like you need to alternate gym nights.

But unfortunately, I think the issue is bigger than this. You know, you just can't do it all. You can't be responsible for all the meals, the $$ for the bigger home, the job, the kids, etc. You have to decide what you are willing to say no to. NO, I can't work overtime any longer. If we can't afford the house on regular hours, then we can't afford it. NO, I can't be scout leader next year. NO, I will absolutely not cook every night. The kids and I are having cereal. If you want to eat out, here are the car keys. Sounds to me like you need to find your voice and then stand firm. It may not be pretty, but it's not pretty now...

fannyfrost

Agreed.....LOL! When our daughter was about 10 months old (she's 5 now)he started shutting down towards me, I think because she was out of the baby stage and more independent and therefore needs more attention so I am the one willing to get down on the floor and play he is not.....and I think he almost competed with my attention towards her.......but he literally checked out......we split for a month back then....then he wanted to be a family again and came back Mr. Supportive and things were great

Fastforward to my son being 10 months old and it has started all over again......literally exactly the same attitude and lack of support. Completely Checked out.....i just can't get into his head to understand what is happening.....

Jealous of the time you spend with the kid. Try making more time for him. My husband actually interrupted my daughter when she was little because he wanted attention, then wondered why she interrupted people.

lithezebra

Don't blame your husband. Ask him for help. You started losing weight together, and you've had some setbacks, like surgery. He doesn't necessarily know that the way things are isn't helping you lose weight.

ndj1979

in...for more spouse on spouse weight loss sabotage..

happysherri

I'm so sorry. Glad both of you are in counseling.

I know I'm only hearing one side of the story, but sounds like my ex husband (the emotionally checking out part). Sounds like your hubby needs to share some of the responsibility. - cooking, cleaning, picking up and dropping off the kids, etc... Because EVERYONE should have some ME time!

I know it's hard but try and eat as healthy as you can and exercise when you can (and do it for YOU)! I do videos at home a lot, I haven't been to a gym in years.

Good luck

ndj1979

you can still eat in a deficit and lose weight even if you are not working out ..

as far as the working out thing..why don't yall switch up nights or something...?? Or you go to the gym on the weekends and he can watch the kids while you work out for an hour ...

Holly_Roman_Empire

Can you and your husband not just alternate when the other trains? Or maybe since he can get to work later you workout first and then he goes as soon as you are finished?

This is what my husband and I do, and it works just fine. I work out Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and he works out the other days.

The most important thing is to talk to him. Husbands can't read minds. If you haven't told him you need his support, or help, or whatever, then he's not going to know. Mine thought that he did a lot of work until I actually physically wrote a list of all the things I take care of in a day.

ETA: There's a solution for every one of your problems. Eating out? Choose off the kids' menu or choose a low calorie dish. No time to work out? At least go for a walk during lunch and breaks at work. Take the stairs at work if you got them. I have a 8-pound weighted ball on my desk that I use to do shoulder presses and bicep curls on the hour. Yes, I do them! People look at me crazy, but guess what? My arms and shoulders are better than theirs.

socajam

I do know that he looks down on me, he has told me my weight gain is not good. I just want to turn into a 5 year old and say NO DUH!!! He also is on my about working overtime which takes 2 hours after my shift is over AND saturdays.....because we want a bigger house, and he is salary so he doesn't get overtime......

We just started Marriage counseling last night, and I have said exactly what I'm saying in here, but when I say it he doesn't hear me, the couselor can literally repeat me and then voila! he hears him.....its frustrating! He is tuned out to my needs.

I have been walking on my breaks and I feel ok about that. I love to use my dance games on wii I am going to start doing those when he leaves for the gym, I just know I won't be able to sleep afterward, that's a cause for concern....

I have just started logging my food again, and I have to say I think my biggest issue is either NOT eating for more than 4 hours.....or my meals in the evening....when I would be happy about having a bowl of cereal and some turkey sausage, my husband wants a real dinner which requires either me cooking or us eating out.....i'm sorry but there are no healthy choices at the BBQ places here in KC....but if i don't let him have the food he wants he is a JERK the rest of the evening to everyone kids included....and its bc he basically starves himself all day and then eats 1500 calories at once at dinner......total sabotaging my eating habits.....

Cook the extra meals, then take your dinner for lunch the next day; have something small or a salad when eating with the family. That way your heaviest meal is eaten at midday, not late at night. Do a exercise DVD or your wii when he leaves for the gym. Have that time for you and make the most of it. I also think you should leave off on buying a bigger house until all of these or the majority of these issues have being resolved.

jlturner386

in...for more spouse on spouse weight loss sabotage..

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Briargrey

Glad you started counseling, because there's nothing really we can 'armchair quarterback' from here - there are 2 sides to every story, if not 3 or 4, and somewhere in the middle of all that is usually the truth. For example, saying your weight gain isn't good is a statement of opinion and doesn't mean he looks down on you. He could be worried, irritated, concerned, whatever.

Best of luck on the relationship issues, and I hope it helps.

On the weight loss - you can do this with or without his support, regardless of the schedule you are on. Calories in, calories out. Weigh, measure, etc all your food, everything you put in your mouth, and adjust your eating habits according to your schedule. I have to eat out about 60% of the time because of my job and when I'm home, my family often wants to eat out because they've not done it while I've been gone! So I learned quickly to figure out ways to make choices in restaurants that fit the health and weight goals I have.

You can lose the pounds without exercising via calorie intake control. And you can always find some time in the day to do some extra movements whether it's just taking the long way to the bathroom on your break at work, a walk around the block during a lunch break, etc. You mentioned you were hourly, not salaried, which means you should have actual, regulated, timed breaks - spend half of each of those walking (outside, up and down stairs, whatever) and voila, you've added something in. Or do a free 30m workout from online when you're home.

The rest - we can't really help you with. I don't want to get all outraged about a husband not helping you out when we don't know the relationship dynamics or story or anything, really. Good luck