Weightloss causing Relationship issues?

socajam

Agreed.....LOL! When our daughter was about 10 months old (she's 5 now)he started shutting down towards me, I think because she was out of the baby stage and more independent and therefore needs more attention so I am the one willing to get down on the floor and play he is not.....and I think he almost competed with my attention towards her.......but he literally checked out......we split for a month back then....then he wanted to be a family again and came back Mr. Supportive and things were great

Fastforward to my son being 10 months old and it has started all over again......literally exactly the same attitude and lack of support. Completely Checked out.....i just can't get into his head to understand what is happening.....

Some times we as women seem to forget when we have children, we need to make time for your SO, you was there before the children and you expect hubby to be there after the children leave for college etc. Yes, jealously is here, but find a babysitter at least once a month and use that time for just the two of you, no kids, no phone calls, just you and him. The children also need to know that mommy and daddy need time together, it is not always going to be about them. When it is their time, they can have you 100%, but when it is mommy and daddy's time, they are going to have to find things to entertain themselves. The baby is young, but start now, otherwise this trouble will not go away.

osothefinn

Without knowing his side of the story I'm not going to jump on him, and even if I did he wouldn't hear it.

No amount of exercise will make up for poor diet. Track your food and do your thing. I'm sure he's upset because he's working at it and he sees you as having checked out. Ask him to take care of the kids while you work out. If he does then you know he's supportive of you as long as you're working at it. If not then he's mentally checked out altogether.

You know what you need to do, because you were doing it before. Stop the pity party and start doing it.

patols1

so hear is what I would do. I would have someone else take over girl scouts which would leave a little bit of time for yourself. also as far as dinners go I have a 18 year old son and a husband. when they want to have a big dinner or go out. I either eat a small portion of what they eat or if they want to go out to eat then I make food for myself. also if your husband wants to go out to eat ask him to take the kids on his own so that you can workout and make your own dinner sometimes what I make them for dinner is not what I make for myself. they are not needing to eat the same foods as me and I wouldn't ask them too. this is my journey not theirs. I hope that you can find a compromise with your husband....do NOT give up.

blueskygbcn

you can still eat in a deficit and lose weight even if you are not working out ..

as far as the working out thing..why don't yall switch up nights or something...?? Or you go to the gym on the weekends and he can watch the kids while you work out for an hour ...

Ditto this! Weight loss is primarily from diet change. Exercise is very important for health and fantastic for well being and a bonus for boosting your weight loss, but chances are your weight gain is from increased intake. I've heard before that weight loss is usually approx 80% intake control and only 20% exercise. So even if you don't have time to workout, you should be able to still lose weight.

Obviously that is a different topic than dealing with your husband. Good luck!

ndj1979

in...for more spouse on spouse weight loss sabotage..

??????

its a common theme on the threads...my husband is sabotaging me ...or is not fair..he is losing and I am not ...and on and on and on ..

jenniferrr127

Instead of him going to the gym at 8 to workout, why couldn't you both do an at-home workout together while the kids are in bed?? There are tons of 30 minute ones... (t25, p90x3 just came out and only 30 minutes). I am sure you could do it together that way you are both working out and still managing time and best of all on the journey together.

ndj1979

Instead of him going to the gym at 8 to workout, why couldn't you both do an at-home workout together while the kids are in bed?? There are tons of 30 minute ones... (t25, p90x3 just came out and only 30 minutes). I am sure you could do it together that way you are both working out and still managing time and best of all on the journey together.

why would he work out from home when he can have access to a full gym??

tlab827

1. You don't need to work out to lose weight. You can just have a slight calorie deficit.
2. When the kids heads hit the pillow. Take 20-30 minutes and do a workout. Just do it.
3. Eat at your desk and use your lunch break to take a walk.

I'm sure finding a balance is overwhelming but you need to step back, take a breath and find your balance.

sarahg148

Can you buy a piece of cardio equipment for the house? IDK if anybody else suggested that, but you could get in your cardio while the kids sleep. I'm not a DVD workout person...would rather watch tv while doing cardio.

peleroja

I don't want to start a war here, but you don't have to exercise to lose weight. Yes, it helps. And it's certainly the best route to health and lean muscle mass and all that. But it is possible, and for many people practical, to lose with diet alone. If you won't make time to exercise, you have to be more diligent with your diet. The calories have to go lower. You have to pay close attention to your macro and micro nutrients. If the calorie deficit is there you will lose weight whether or not you exercise.

osothefinn

its a common theme on the threads...my husband is sabotaging me ...or is not fair..he is losing and I am not ...and on and on and on ..

This situation doesn't even sound like sabotage. He just sounds pissed off that he's busting his *kitten* and she's jumped off the wagon.

OP, as crappy as it sounds I have a feeling he's fed up with your weight. Ask him straight up and see what he says. I'm willing to bet he'd love to get it out there. If I'm right, regardless of how unfair you think that is and how it makes you feel, you have two choices. Either work on getting in shape, and possibly improve your marriage, or don't, and most likely flush it down the crapper. Your call.

ndj1979

its a common theme on the threads...my husband is sabotaging me ...or is not fair..he is losing and I am not ...and on and on and on ..

This situation doesn't even sound like sabotage. He just sounds pissed off that he's busting his *kitten* and she's jumped off the wagon.

OP, as crappy as it sounds I have a feeling he's fed up with your weight. Ask him straight up and see what he says. I'm willing to bet he'd love to get it out there. If I'm right, regardless of how unfair you think that is and how it makes you feel, you have two choices. Either work on getting in shape, and possibly improve your marriage, or don't, and most likely flush it down the crapper. Your call.

the on and on was to cover the rest of the list....I could have listed about thirty more thiings...

ldrosophila

can you break up your exercise time to 15 minute blocks and preferably at work? If there are a set of stairs in your building thats a great source to climb up and down. And make Sunday or whichever day you have off as your cooking and prep day, so you have some meals on hand. Soup is great to take to work.

osothefinn

the on and on was to cover the rest of the list....I could have listed about thirty more thiings...

Oh I know. There are few new threads under the Sun.

Marcia315

its a common theme on the threads...my husband is sabotaging me ...or is not fair..he is losing and I am not ...and on and on and on ..

This situation doesn't even sound like sabotage. He just sounds pissed off that he's busting his *kitten* and she's jumped off the wagon.

OP, as crappy as it sounds I have a feeling he's fed up with your weight. Ask him straight up and see what he says. I'm willing to bet he'd love to get it out there. If I'm right, regardless of how unfair you think that is and how it makes you feel, you have two choices. Either work on getting in shape, and possibly improve your marriage, or don't, and most likely flush it down the crapper. Your call.

Maybe he should put some work into the marriage too?

I'd be pissed off if my husband took time to work out daily but didn't do much of the child care, went out to dinner when it was his turn to cook, and passed all the child rearing off to me, and then had the audacity to ***** about my weight.

jlturner386

its a common theme on the threads...my husband is sabotaging me ...or is not fair..he is losing and I am not ...and on and on and on ..

This situation doesn't even sound like sabotage. He just sounds pissed off that he's busting his *kitten* and she's jumped off the wagon.

OP, as crappy as it sounds I have a feeling he's fed up with your weight. Ask him straight up and see what he says. I'm willing to bet he'd love to get it out there. If I'm right, regardless of how unfair you think that is and how it makes you feel, you have two choices. Either work on getting in shape, and possibly improve your marriage, or don't, and most likely flush it down the crapper. Your call.

I'm not going to let what you said piss me off, because its simply not true. I only weigh about 15 more lbs than i did when we first met. No one even notices the weight gain, but I do. He on the other hand had gained about 70lbs and kept it on the last few years of our marriage. When we first started our journey i lost weight without doing anything but walking and it came off 2-3lbs a week, he had the same results but HAD to go to the gym to do it.....(because of his eating habits as stated before starving all day, eating 1500-2000 calories for dinner.....he hasn't changed ANYTHING except going to the gym for 2-3 hours 3-4 nights a week).....AND I HAD TO HEAR ABOUT IT NON-STOP THAT IT WASN'T FAIR.....so we got into the routine where I rarely got to go to the gym because "you don't have to" This is still his excuse.

So while I am sure that there are men out there who lose weight and think "man my wife is fat I could get better" I don't think that is the situation here. I think his issues lie in the fact that I push back when he wants to go out to eat, so then he's on his own. And I push back about him getting the gym time, and I get none. I don't think he likes resistance.


P.S. When asked last night what we want to acheive.......his response was "Peace" he described it as "I would like to come home and not have the house a wreck and my kids pulling out toys, and my wife to not be stressed out about being overwhelmed.....I would like to go to the gym 6 nights a week AND i would like to have more sex"

My answer was "support"

Our counselor was basically like dumbfounded by his response because we told him our work schedules and the fact that I have to be up at 4:30 and how when the kids go to bed he's out the door to the gym......when exactly would SEX happen???? LMAO! He lives in Tom Land

verdemujer

Is the gym membership a family membership? Does your gym have a drop off center for kids? Many of them do now. There's a couple at my rec center who actually work out together. I find it amazing that they do this. I think they treat it like a date night. But even if one of them is on a work trip somewhere, the other is still there in class. Our center has a day care place and so their little kids get to go play for a hour or so every night and it doesn't cost them much. I asked her once and they do crockpot meals a lot and they spend time cooking/setting up the week's foods one day of the weekend. My hubby and I don't do that - we don't work out well together. That was proven in karate as a family time and again. Our Sensei even weighed in once and told him to shut up and listen and work out with me. That might be part of why he quit karate besides the changes in his job interferred with his class time. Now its just me and the kid doing karate. His lost. He goes biking for long periods and I act like I'm single when it comes to getting in my exercise time. The kid is either exercising with me or doing his homework or, he can swim or go play if the timing is right for that. He's old enough to do those on his own. I will say, I'm really enjoying that he's now old enough for that. It allows me more options to work with besides karate. He can't wait until he's old enough for me to leave him at home alone. Perish the thought. But even when he was younger, I would drop him at the play house for the hour I wanted to exercise. It was included as part of our membership price. And when we were at the Y, the cost there wasn't very much and I budgeted for that as I saw it as part of the cost of me being healthy. Options, there are always options.

Keep going to counseling. It sounds like he needs a 3rd voice to hear the issues. You might too. That will need to be open both directions. Good luck!

californiabella

yeah, not sure why you and your husband haven't planned alternate gym schedules. I mean as his wife that isn't much to ask for.

If you're busting your *kitten* working over time to get the "big house" (BTW already sensing resentment toward him here..) that he wants (which I'm sure you want too otherwise you wouldn't work OT right?) then start busting your *kitten* to save for your own treadmill or weights set to get yourself started at home.

IMO and I'm not trying to be mean, but you have to stop making excuses not to work out. I'm sure your husband recognizes it-- both my husband I recognize and call each other out when one or the other is being lazy... and we can recognize when the other is just too tired. I'm sure you aren't tired 365 days of the year. Even if you are, you can still work out while you've got a good pair of legs.

There are many good tips and advice already offered that can help remedy the situation. Honestly don't understand why some couples feel the need to compete with each other in this sense, when you should really be motivating each other. Surely you didn't expect him to drop his weight loss goals when you couldn't work out right?


ETA: the weight loss isn't the cause of your relationship issues-- you know that already. something much deeper! so that's good you both are doing counseling now. good luck OP!!

_Josee_

I lost almost 60 lbs without working out... Only eating at a deficit works...

I don't want to be harsh, but the first thing to do to be successful is stop making excuses!

osothefinn

I'm not going to let what you said piss me off, because its simply not true. I only weigh about 15 more lbs than i did when we first met. No one even notices the weight gain, but I do.

He obviously does or he wouldn't be (I forget your exact words) upset about it.

He on the other hand had gained about 70lbs and kept it on the last few years of our marriage. When we first started our journey i lost weight without doing anything but walking and it came off 2-3lbs a week, he had the same results but HAD to go to the gym to do it.....(because of his eating habits as stated before starving all day, eating 1500-2000 calories for dinner.....he hasn't changed ANYTHING except going to the gym for 2-3 hours 3-4 nights a week).....AND I HAD TO HEAR ABOUT IT NON-STOP THAT IT WASN'T FAIR.....so we got into the routine where I rarely got to go to the gym because "you don't have to" This is still his excuse.

So we've established you can lose weight with no other exercise besides walking. Are you unable to walk during your breaks at work?

So while I am sure that there are men out there who lose weight and think "man my wife is fat I could get better" I don't think that is the situation here.

You don't think. Which is why I suggested asking.

I think his issues lie in the fact that I push back when he wants to go out to eat, so then he's on his own. And I push back about him getting the gym time, and I get none. I don't think he likes resistance.

Good for you. Stand your ground.

P.S. When asked last night what we want to acheive.......his response was "Peace" he described it as "I would like to come home and not have the house a wreck and my kids pulling out toys, and my wife to not be stressed out about being overwhelmed.....I would like to go to the gym 6 nights a week AND i would like to have more sex"

Not sure where your comment about him working out 2-3 hours a night went, but if he's spending 3 hours in the gym he's doing something wrong.

That said, the kids are gonna be kids til they're not kids at all, so he needs to find his peace with that whole deal. If you feel overwhelmed the only way that's going to get better is if he helps out more, or you drop stuff off your plate (Girl Scouts, overtime, something).

My answer was "support"

This.

Our counselor was basically like dumbfounded by his response because we told him our work schedules and the fact that I have to be up at 4:30 and how when the kids go to bed he's out the door to the gym......when exactly would SEX happen???? LMAO! He lives in Tom Land

Holy crap. I got nothing. :P

SimplyDenyse

Im a girl scout leader too and work full time My husband works out of the house and is able to make his own hrs.. So I get your frustration.

For me working out after work just really isn't good for me. I tend to be crazy busy doing mommy things and running errands. I always managed to make excuses. So for me its either get up super early in the mornings or workout during my lunchtime. I do lunchtime the majority of my workouts. They mostly consist of 30-45 interval style workouts. Which works perfectly for the little time I have. Im not sure what kind of job you have but with mine Im able to eat at my desk. So after I workout , I eat lunch. That also helps with not over eating (cause I used to go out to eat with co-workers everyday)

Yes Im the odd one in my office that works out during lunch but now its become habit and no one questions it. If I ever changed roles Id proably get up early in the mornings and do a 30-40 min workout routine. Ive tried the fitness blender workouts on you tube and they worked out great.

Find that perfect time for you. Make it a priority just like if it were a job and commit to it. You'll see the results soon enough.

Also from what I read its like 80% nutrition and 20% exercise or whatever.. The most imporant thing is eating right (logging food)

Holly_Roman_Empire

Drop the store and being the girl scout leader. Do small exercises at work, as I previously stated. Eat a calorie deficit regardless of whether you workout or not.

Whether it's right or wrong, you can't help what your husband says or does, that much is certain. That shouldn't keep you from your goals, though, and it doesn't have to.

baldmitch

Take little steps towards the big goal.

A few have said it, and Imma saying it again - your first small step has to be DIET. Wrestle that tiger until it's tame. If I have to eat Cambell's healthy request soup instead of going out to mickey d's or the steakhouse with the family, I'll do it. I've done it. I'll probably do it 3 more times before Christmas.

It's not hard to throw a couple of turkey steaks or chicken breasts on the George Foreman, and dice them to put in tomorrow's salad or mix with quinoa and a little feta. If the rest of the family wants hot dogs and mac & cheese, I'll cook that for them and eat my salad. But whatever you have to do, with some planning and preparation the day before, you can get your needs done.

Tame that tiger, then start working on the next - husband's help so you can exercise, a gym membership, getting a treadmill, something.

AnninStPaul

Hubby needs to take on more household and parental duties. You seem to be letting him off easy. Stop that.

And if the overtime is to make more money for more house (so you have more to take care of?)...he can quit the gym, work out at home, and put that money toward the (or some household help!).

UnoDrea3732

I would have him take care of the kids in the morning or in the afternoon (he can choose). You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. And if you are happy then you can make everyone else around you happy.

If you are happy then you'll be motivated to keep the house clean
If you are happy then there will be peace in the house
If you are happy then there WILL BE MORE SEX!!!
Etc., etc., etc.

Orrrrr...if he is stuck to his guns and doesn't want to help with taking care of BOTH of your children then try to experiment. Ask him to "be in your shoes" for two days and see what happens. If he doesn't want to then maybe he doesn't want to work on the marriage.

P.S. - You're right - KC doesn't have any healthy BBQ places.

burlingtongrl

I hope I am not repeating (didn't read all the responses), but what about getting that meal delivery service again? Maybe you could also try to do a walk at lunch time, even if it's only 15 or 20 minutes. I hope you find the right balance and achieve your goals.

jlturner386

I hope I am not repeating (didn't read all the responses), but what about getting that meal delivery service again? Maybe you could also try to do a walk at lunch time, even if it's only 15 or 20 minutes. I hope you find the right balance and achieve your goals.

My plan is to start the delivery service again in january....I'm so looking forward to that.

tapirfrog

I'd be pissed off if my husband took time to work out daily but didn't do much of the child care, went out to dinner when it was his turn to cook, and passed all the child rearing off to me, and then had the audacity to ***** about my weight.

YES YES THIS YES

Mr_Knight

Raising children is a joint responsibility. Perhaps it is time to sit him down and have a conversation about a more reasonable way to split the "home" side of the workload.

That aside, your weight loss is entirely in your hands - you don't *need* exercise to do it, you just need to manage your diet. And that you can do o sole mio.

Ailorn

I do know that he looks down on me, he has told me my weight gain is not good. I just want to turn into a 5 year old and say NO DUH!!! He also is on my about working overtime which takes 2 hours after my shift is over AND saturdays.....because we want a bigger house, and he is salary so he doesn't get overtime......ect.

Is it worth working overtime for a house if your marriage is on the rocks, and you have no time for yourself to de stress? The important thing is to find balance, find time to reconnect and like each other again. Not working 6 days a week (even if one is only a few hours) may make a big difference in finding balance. You have a lot of things going on weight/diet/exercise concerns, 2 children, couples counseling, scouts, work. Even if it is for the short term the keystone for this might be less work.