Weightloss causing Relationship issues?
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I have been thinking about this all day and hope that maybe what I say makes sense. I am the cook at my house, always have been and always will be, my wife likes it that way and it works for us. I am also love Pinterest, lots of good ideas and receipes on there. But, my wife works all the time, she is out of shape and she hates it. What have I done?
1) I do all the cooking and clean up in the kitchen.
2) I pick up the kids and feed them most of the time before she gets home.
3) I do all of the laundry, washing, folding, putting away.
4) All of the lawn work.
5) Pet care
6) Basically anything that needs to be done around the house I try to have done so she wont have to worry about it.
On the flip side, what frustrates me most is when I do these things waiting for her to get home, she is too tired or not motivated to go to the gym. I wait for her because she likes to work out with me. I love that, but when she refuses to go I waited around for nothing and now it will be 9 or later when I get home and I still have to eat and feed my wife because the kids already ate.
Please dont think I am complaining, I love my wife very much and would do anything for her, but I cant motivate her to make her do something she does not want to do. I have had to fight off feelings of resentment and being taken for granted. I know she loves me and is having a rough patch with work and the strees she deals with day in and day out. All I can do is hang in there and be as supportive as I can be. Sometimes its tough, but we do these things for the people we love.
Have you talked to your husband about these issues and/or is he willing to help to make it easier on you?0 -
There sure is a lot of husband-bashing going on in here, based on a whole lot of flimsy assumptions.
Before hitching our own personal issues and hangups to the OP's train, it might be worth keeping in mind we've heard only one side of the story.0 -
So my husband and I started this journey together back in February. I was about 6 weeks post partum. We got on a meal delivery service and everything. We both had success I lost 24 lbs by May and he has lost about 40......I was only about 18 lbs from my goal weight, and I had medical issues which stalled my weightloss. I was unable to do some of the exercises I loved to do. Then I found out I had to have laprascopic surgery and would be down for up to 6 weeks. before my 6 weeks was up, I was laid off, and I became a stay at home mom with a 6 month old and a 5 year old who wouldn't start school til August (there went any time for myself). I started an online shop where I sell handmade baby quilts and blankets and would spend my extra time on that. (never really got the extra time til my daughter started school, then it was only nap time at my house) I went back to work at the end of October and now I am just struggling to find time to balance family, work, my store, girl scouts (i'm the leader) and my health....unfortunately my weight is my backburner, and I never get a moment to exercise. I am so out of shape, and to make matters worse, my husband is now 60 lbs down, and he looks down on me and my weight gain.....I am up almost 20 lbs
I wake up at 4:30 every morning to be at work by 6....don't get home most evenings til 6 or 7pm with kids in tow.....this leaves no time for anything whatsoever.......and I am jealous that my husband just goes to the gym 4 nights a week at 8 pm the second the kids heads hit the pillow....and because I have to be up so early for my job I can never do that......he doesn't go to work til 7 or 7:30 doesn't get home til 5:30 or 6 and if i don't cook dinner we eat out, which is fine, but eating out and not working out causes weight gain.....i would continue to lose weight too if i ate out and spent 8 hours in the gym a week......How do I get out of this rut, I want to be supportive of my husband I am very proud of him, but I can't take it sometimes!
QUIT:
quilting
overtime
girl scout leader-ing
taking the kids in the morning
this should leave you time to workout. just stop doing those things. don't worry about who else will do it, someone else will pick up the slack. those aren't really strictly your duties. All the friends I know who have two working parents the one who goes in later takes the kids, for the sake of the kids getting more sleep and home time.0 -
I have been thinking about this all day and hope that maybe what I say makes sense. I am the cook at my house, always have been and always will be, my wife likes it that way and it works for us. I am also love Pinterest, lots of good ideas and receipes on there. But, my wife works all the time, she is out of shape and she hates it. What have I done?
1) I do all the cooking and clean up in the kitchen.
2) I pick up the kids and feed them most of the time before she gets home.
3) I do all of the laundry, washing, folding, putting away.
4) All of the lawn work.
5) Pet care
6) Basically anything that needs to be done around the house I try to have done so she wont have to worry about it.
On the flip side, what frustrates me most is when I do these things waiting for her to get home, she is too tired or not motivated to go to the gym. I wait for her because she likes to work out with me. I love that, but when she refuses to go I waited around for nothing and now it will be 9 or later when I get home and I still have to eat and feed my wife because the kids already ate.
Please dont think I am complaining, I love my wife very much and would do anything for her, but I cant motivate her to make her do something she does not want to do. I have had to fight off feelings of resentment and being taken for granted. I know she loves me and is having a rough patch with work and the strees she deals with day in and day out. All I can do is hang in there and be as supportive as I can be. Sometimes its tough, but we do these things for the people we love.
Have you talked to your husband about these issues and/or is he willing to help to make it easier on you?
Talk to her. If she is too tired to workout, do your workout alone. Tell her nicely that if she wants to workout, she has to be the one making the choice. You don't have to wait for your wife to eat with her. If you are hungry, eat first...0 -
I do know that he looks down on me, he has told me my weight gain is not good. I just want to turn into a 5 year old and say NO DUH!!! He also is on my about working overtime which takes 2 hours after my shift is over AND saturdays.....because we want a bigger house, and he is salary so he doesn't get overtime......
We just started Marriage counseling last night, and I have said exactly what I'm saying in here, but when I say it he doesn't hear me, the couselor can literally repeat me and then voila! he hears him.....its frustrating! He is tuned out to my needs.
I have been walking on my breaks and I feel ok about that. I love to use my dance games on wii I am going to start doing those when he leaves for the gym, I just know I won't be able to sleep afterward, that's a cause for concern....
I have just started logging my food again, and I have to say I think my biggest issue is either NOT eating for more than 4 hours.....or my meals in the evening....when I would be happy about having a bowl of cereal and some turkey sausage, my husband wants a real dinner which requires either me cooking or us eating out.....i'm sorry but there are no healthy choices at the BBQ places here in KC....but if i don't let him have the food he wants he is a JERK the rest of the evening to everyone kids included....and its bc he basically starves himself all day and then eats 1500 calories at once at dinner......total sabotaging my eating habits.....
QUIT:
cooking
postponing the dance workout
staying home when he goes to they gym
eating out will be fine, you will learn what to choose, don't be afraid. barbecue is not the devil :devil: procrasination is. if you wanna do the dance workout just eat a banana afterwards or warm milk and do some stretching to ease you into sleep. hot bath too. i personally would just be ready with my gym clothes on and the kids all bundled up ready for the gym day care waiting in the car when he's ready to hit the gym. train the kiddos to file out the door the minute they hear those keys jangling and you all pile in the car with him. i'd like to see him get out of that one!0 -
My husband is doing the Slow Carb Diet (like Atkins but you can eat certain carbs like say beans that you can't eat on Atkins). I make a big pot of healthy chili about every other week (he's a creature of habit) and that's what he takes to work for lunch every day. I also make a big tossed salad. It's a little bit easier to stay on track food-wise if you have healthy "grab and go" options on hand. If you can do stuff like that and have it at your disposal so you don't have to cook dinner every night it might help. If you have a crockpot, use it. It's a great time saver because you walk in the door and dinner's ready to go. It could give you those 30 minutes you need to workout. Yes, it can be hard to eat healthy when you eat out but you have to make a conscious decision to do so. You want to lose this weight for you, not for anyone else. You have to find the desire within yourself to want to do this and then do it, no excuses. I know it can be really challenging! I struggle with it and I don't have kids. Like others have suggested, eat your lunch at your desk so you can take your lunch hour to walk.
I hate to say it but your husband's not sabatoging your diet. I speak from experience. Just because he may want something that isn't healthy doesn't mean that you have to eat it. If my husband feels like eating something crappy and I join him, that's my own doing, not his or vice versa. Misery loves company.
I'm not going to comment on the marriage issues. I'll just say that I hope the counseling works and wish you nothing but the best with it. As far as you are concerned, try to find a way to make the time for YOU. There has to be things you can cut out that will allow you to do so. Because you're worth it!
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Your husband sounds like a complete ****. What he said to the counselor about "what he wants" makes me want to punch him in the face and I don't even know the guy. Or you for that matter. He wants everything, but doesn't want to do anything to get what he wants. I wouldn't put up with it.0
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Agreed.....LOL! When our daughter was about 10 months old (she's 5 now)he started shutting down towards me, I think because she was out of the baby stage and more independent and therefore needs more attention so I am the one willing to get down on the floor and play he is not.....and I think he almost competed with my attention towards her.......but he literally checked out......we split for a month back then....then he wanted to be a family again and came back Mr. Supportive and things were great
Fastforward to my son being 10 months old and it has started all over again......literally exactly the same attitude and lack of support. Completely Checked out.....i just can't get into his head to understand what is happening.....
QUIT:
worrying about this
trying to get inside his head
it's wasted energy and focus you could be spending on your goals. the therapist will get into his head and sort things out. don't care that he hears what the therapist says and not you. he is filtering all your complaints through the therapist for validation from said person. he thinks only what the therapist says is correct and you might have a bunch of nonsense coming out of your mouth. just be grateful he was willing to go to counseling and is willing to give anything the therapist relays for you any attention at all. you are on the upward slope of improvement if this is going on. many women don't have it so good.0 -
I don't normally get on with posting - but your husband needs to be helping you a but more.
The basics, which you know, are that you need your diet to be right - not having a lot of time etc is not really a valid excuse for eating too much or choosing the foods you know are not best for you.
You'll get a lot of replies, I am sure - but the big thing I read from your post - Your husband needs to support you and if he cannot see it, then tell him how it is.
You know you can do it - you just need a break and a new routine..and he can be the person that allows you to make the change
Why are you doing this all on your own?
Your husband is a parent too, he needs to do his share and you need to tell him.0 -
I love that, but when she refuses to go I waited around for nothing and now it will be 9 or later when I get home and I still have to eat and feed my wife because the kids already ate.
Oh God no, you don't have to feed her, she's a big girl now, she can feed herself.
Smh0 -
its a common theme on the threads...my husband is sabotaging me ...or is not fair..he is losing and I am not ...and on and on and on ..
This situation doesn't even sound like sabotage. He just sounds pissed off that he's busting his *kitten* and she's jumped off the wagon.
OP, as crappy as it sounds I have a feeling he's fed up with your weight. Ask him straight up and see what he says. I'm willing to bet he'd love to get it out there. If I'm right, regardless of how unfair you think that is and how it makes you feel, you have two choices. Either work on getting in shape, and possibly improve your marriage, or don't, and most likely flush it down the crapper. Your call.
I'm not going to let what you said piss me off, because its simply not true. I only weigh about 15 more lbs than i did when we first met. No one even notices the weight gain, but I do. He on the other hand had gained about 70lbs and kept it on the last few years of our marriage. When we first started our journey i lost weight without doing anything but walking and it came off 2-3lbs a week, he had the same results but HAD to go to the gym to do it.....(because of his eating habits as stated before starving all day, eating 1500-2000 calories for dinner.....he hasn't changed ANYTHING except going to the gym for 2-3 hours 3-4 nights a week).....AND I HAD TO HEAR ABOUT IT NON-STOP THAT IT WASN'T FAIR.....so we got into the routine where I rarely got to go to the gym because "you don't have to" This is still his excuse.
So while I am sure that there are men out there who lose weight and think "man my wife is fat I could get better" I don't think that is the situation here. I think his issues lie in the fact that I push back when he wants to go out to eat, so then he's on his own. And I push back about him getting the gym time, and I get none. I don't think he likes resistance.
P.S. When asked last night what we want to acheive.......his response was "Peace" he described it as "I would like to come home and not have the house a wreck and my kids pulling out toys, and my wife to not be stressed out about being overwhelmed.....I would like to go to the gym 6 nights a week AND i would like to have more sex"
My answer was "support"
Our counselor was basically like dumbfounded by his response because we told him our work schedules and the fact that I have to be up at 4:30 and how when the kids go to bed he's out the door to the gym......when exactly would SEX happen???? LMAO! He lives in Tom Land
QUIT:
using your husbands real name online
pushing on what you know are his hot buttons
making excuses for his behavior
he will only change when held accountable for his behavior the therapy will show you that and prevent that from becoming a dangerous pattern/habit. if you know certain things just upset him, don't do them until you can hash them out in counseling and if they are interfering with your goals and your goals are that important to you, call your therapist RIGHT NOW, and leave a simple message to make it a talking point at your next session to address it right away. the final point is self explanatory or obvious or should be.0 -
in...for more spouse on spouse weight loss sabotage..
??????
QUIT: using the word "sabotage" in reference to your husband, not only is it an overused term on these boards but it implies that your husband is maniacally and wholeheartedly spending his every waking breathing moment figuring out ways to screw you. from your earlier posts while he may be doing other things he is not doing this. he is clearly too self involved to be giving too much of a care one way or the other about what is going on with you. he just doesn't want the blame for it or to change his lifestyle for fear it will mess up his weight loss. We fully expect to see a thread where he claims YOU are sabotaging HIM.0 -
I hope I am not repeating (didn't read all the responses), but what about getting that meal delivery service again? Maybe you could also try to do a walk at lunch time, even if it's only 15 or 20 minutes. I hope you find the right balance and achieve your goals.
My plan is to start the delivery service again in january....I'm so looking forward to that.
QUIT:
Waiting and planning. If you can afford the service now, start it now. If not divert some of the money you spend elsewhere to this. If it's still unnaffordable make a list of your fave foods you recall from that and start making them yourself. If you go to bbq full on foods you ate that are within your plan you won't need to fear the bbq.0 -
Sorry if this has been asked; I only skimmed the thread. If your husband is home from work at 5:30 or 6, why are you picking up the kids every night when you don't even get off of work until 6? Ask him to pick them up twice a week so you can hit the gym after work. If he's completely lost in the kitchen, make sure there are plenty of leftovers ready for him and the kids. You could be home in time for the kids to go to bed and maybe ask that those be his rest days so you two can have some time together.
He's NOT sabotaging you and he doesn't have to exercise to lose weight. And it's not that you you can lose weight and don't have to exercise. You're creating a calorie deficit without exercise. He's creating a calorie deficit with one. If his excuse for not helping you make time to exercise is that you don't have to exercise to lose weight, tell him that you'd like to be able to eat some more food and you can't do that unless you move your @ss. Or tell him that it makes you feel good, gives you energy, relieves stress, or that you don't need to explain it; you just need him to help you make it a reality like you do for him 4 nights a week.
Whatever you do, stop letting your husband or your busy schedule be an excuse not to do things that you want to do, or they'll never get done. Your day sounds really hectic but you'll find time when you make time. Good luck.0 -
I tend to be the person in my household who holds things together and my husband tends to take that for granted, but every so often, I get fed up and have a come-to-Jesus meeting with him where I lay down the law.
I would lay things out to him this way, and I would state it as a fact and not a question:
You will either take responsibility for dropping the kids off in the morning or picking them up in the evening so I can work out. Which will it be?
You will need to cook dinner 3 nights a week, which nights would you like?
And then, you need to quit the Girl Scout leader thing, get rid of your quilting store, and only work overtime when it works out for you. None of these things are more important than your health. Make your health and happiness a priority. Set some limits and make some demands.
I currently work full-time and go to school full-time. Going back to school will eventually benefit our whole family financially, as well as increase our quality of life immensely, so it is a worthwhile investment. I honestly cannot do anything more than work, school, care for my daughter, a little bit of housework, gym and eat healthy. Nothing else is as important as those things. When I decided to go back to school, I let my husband know that he could either pick up the slack in the housework or pitch in to hire someone. He didn't do so well picking up the slack last semester, so he will be chipping in to hire someone this semester. He is not thrilled about this, but he does understand that he needs to contribute to my success if he is going to share in the dividends.
It sounds like you are doing almost everything anyway, with little appreciation or respect from your husband. You wouldn't be any worse off by yourself, if push comes to shove. My husband and I actually separated for a year, which gave us both a new perspective on the benefits of being together and being more cooperative. He appreciates me more after having to be responsible for everything himself, although I do have to remind him on occasion.0 -
As for the material things, I know it's nice to have creature comforts and such and I'm not saying don't work...but I kind of got a vibe that you & your husband are working together toward a Big Dream of having a much nicer home & lots of stuff, will that really improve your marriage and/or health, mentally and physically?
Exactly what I think about on a daily basis.....it would make him happy for a short period of time. Then it would become my nightmare.
We have really nice things....so many things we have outgrown our house. He is a tech freak, and has to have the biggest best thing there is...every movie, game, tablet, phone, ps4, everything he wants. Everything in our home is less than 4 years old EVERYTHING but the carpeting.....he has A LOT of student loan debt, which is keeping us from buying a bigger home. I'm talking $61,000 currently.....his student loan payment is almost double our mortgage payment. Its insanity.....we both have a car payment but my car is a 2008 his is a 2013.....etc etc.
My online store is my dream. If i could I would quit my regular job and make this my regular job, but he would NEVER support that, because I make so much at my job. In fact my store is really successful, more successful than he wanted it to be. He told me to go thru Etsy to "try it out to see if people really bought my things" when I had 10 sales in the first month he was like oh wow....then when I went back to Full Time out of the home, he told me to quit my store.....just quit. Knowing full well that it was my dream. It broke my heart, and that was the beginning of this huge mess. I told him I was not going to give up my dream. That I enjoy making things for other people. And people love my store. I did agree to not take custom orders. Which has really slowed down my business, but i still have sales and the items are pre-made so i just package have to package them.
QUIT:
Oops! :blushing:
I'm sorry OP but I too think you should quit that side business or at least taper back. It seems incredibly time consuming and I doubt the payoff is there. Please find a way to get a business minded person to look at your business plan and see if that is a lucrative venture. My strong suspicion is that the manhours it takes you to make those things does not convey in it's pricing which might be why your customers "love" them. They might be happy to get handmade items at the price you are offering. ALternatively they might just be "love" ing the pretty ness of your items. They may be totes adorbs but are they something that will feed your kids and your husbands insane spending habits? Actually just your kids. Your husbands spending habits should be remanded to his paycheck or just minimized a great deal. The next time your husband comes home with a techy or expensive item or you intercept it in the mail, return it and get yourself a weight set, pilates machine, treadmill or other item to workout at home. Use your SAHM status to your advantage. He is using his no "umbilical cord attached" status to his advantage.0 -
Why the fk isnt he cooking dinner?
He says "I don't know what you want to eat, so I just don't cook"
Cop out.....I will say ANYTHING if you make something and I dont eat it, then that's just more leftovers for you.....i will eat cereal. The truth is I will eat anything he makes, and if its shrimp (allergic) I won't eat it, oh well I will eat cereal, or a bagel and turkey sausage I really don't care. Its just more excuses to eat out, because he's starving and doesn't want to cook.
QUIT:
LYING!!! There is no way I am going to beleive that a man would knowingly cook his allergic to shrimp wife/mother of his children SHRIMP! If he is you need more than counseling you need to carry your cell phone handy on your person with 911 on pre dial, and an attorney, and an exit strategy.0 -
I think..as a chic who has gone thru her fair share of VERY VERY stormy patches in my marriage..there is more going on here then just a lack of time to exercise...
You cannot fix the symptoms before the cause...IMO..and most "symptoms" in a relationship boil down to pretty basic things..but its pulling all the symptoms out of the way to FIND the cause and FIX it.
I tried to be supermom too..and I couldnt do it..my health suffered. I cut back considerably on my obligations outside of work and family..or anything related to family..think you may want to consider the same OP.0 -
GET A SPINE0
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Sounds like there are bigger problems than your weight.
I slimmed down and got fit and my ex and I still ended up divorced. (he had some of the issues you're stating) +When I cleaned, cooked, whatever I did wasn't good enough or the way he liked it. Our marriage counselor said that was code for something else (it wasn't literal to my cleaning etc) He acted cold to me - frigid. He did help out with the kids but he started treating me worse than the dog!
6 yrs of being divorced - no debt, other than I bought my own house, own my car and I took back my life (he was a spender)! DISCLAIMER - not to say this is what you should do. :-) I just feel great
Wish you nothing but the best0
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