Balls!
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makingamiracle
Posts: 41 Member
in Chit-Chat
This site is crawling with 20-something and 30-something guys who are fit, buff and ready for action. But guys, there's a dark, hidden secret that no one shared with me until it was too late. So, as your 51+ year old guide to the future, I thought I'd give you a sneak preview.
My first information about this problem came in the middle of the night about a year ago. After a sleepy, slit-eyed trudge to the little boys room, I was too out of it to stand while taking care of business. Within a microsecond of sitting down, I realized that something was very, very wrong. It seems that my "guys" ended up going for an unplanned, unexpected and VERY unwelcome midnight dunk in ICY COLD water.
Yes, that's right. Women do not have exclusive rights to the physiological impact of gravity. To put it bluntly, as you age, your ball sac gets longer. Now, I'm not talking about "kicking them ahead of you as you walk" longer, but long enough to become an annoyance.
Here's the really scary part. When I went on the internet to find out what in the heck was going on (I mean, I had never experienced this before), I found out that some plastic surgeons are even offering.... wait for it.... laser ball lifts. Oh sure, they're calling them "*kitten* lifts" and "scrotal reduction surgery." But no matter what you call it, no Luke Skywalker wannabe is going to be wielding his light saber anywhere near my boys.
Is it safe? According to the website: "All surgical procedures, including *kitten* Lift or Scrotal Reduction, are accompanied by a certain degree of risk, whether the procedures are for medical or cosmetic reasons." Translation: one slip of the hand, and you'll be singing with Rachel and Kurt instead of Artie.
Does it hurt? "Bruises usually disappear within a few days, and most swelling is gone in a matter of weeks. If you follow our post-operative instructions carefully, you will be able to enjoy your normal activities within no time. Your scars will fade over time but are permanent." Bruises? Swelling? Permanent scars? Keep the hell away from me.
So, to sum it up, enjoy your nice, tight package while you have it. By the time you're my age, you'll either be making toilet iced tea with YOUR teabags, or tossing those bad boys up on a surgical table in the hope that Dr. Shakey McGee won't throw you into the soprano section of the glee club. Good luck.
My first information about this problem came in the middle of the night about a year ago. After a sleepy, slit-eyed trudge to the little boys room, I was too out of it to stand while taking care of business. Within a microsecond of sitting down, I realized that something was very, very wrong. It seems that my "guys" ended up going for an unplanned, unexpected and VERY unwelcome midnight dunk in ICY COLD water.
Yes, that's right. Women do not have exclusive rights to the physiological impact of gravity. To put it bluntly, as you age, your ball sac gets longer. Now, I'm not talking about "kicking them ahead of you as you walk" longer, but long enough to become an annoyance.
Here's the really scary part. When I went on the internet to find out what in the heck was going on (I mean, I had never experienced this before), I found out that some plastic surgeons are even offering.... wait for it.... laser ball lifts. Oh sure, they're calling them "*kitten* lifts" and "scrotal reduction surgery." But no matter what you call it, no Luke Skywalker wannabe is going to be wielding his light saber anywhere near my boys.
Is it safe? According to the website: "All surgical procedures, including *kitten* Lift or Scrotal Reduction, are accompanied by a certain degree of risk, whether the procedures are for medical or cosmetic reasons." Translation: one slip of the hand, and you'll be singing with Rachel and Kurt instead of Artie.
Does it hurt? "Bruises usually disappear within a few days, and most swelling is gone in a matter of weeks. If you follow our post-operative instructions carefully, you will be able to enjoy your normal activities within no time. Your scars will fade over time but are permanent." Bruises? Swelling? Permanent scars? Keep the hell away from me.
So, to sum it up, enjoy your nice, tight package while you have it. By the time you're my age, you'll either be making toilet iced tea with YOUR teabags, or tossing those bad boys up on a surgical table in the hope that Dr. Shakey McGee won't throw you into the soprano section of the glee club. Good luck.
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Replies
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I wouldn't care if whoever I'm with has that... Js.0 -
Now that I've stopped laughing...!!! OMG!
However, I'm guessing genetics plays a role as my BF is 50 and nowhere NEAR unexpected dunking.
My condolences. :laugh:
ETA the actual age my BF is.0 -
I can't unread that. Dude. *backs away slowly*0
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Why not just put a brick in the back of your toilet tank? Shoukd save in water cost AND keep your testies dry as well sans the surgery.0
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Hmmm...I wonder if it's an undergarment issue. Like, might briefs provide better support, kind of like a sports bra for...?0
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Speedos? Banana hammocks? Hmm.Hmmm...I wonder if it's an undergarment issue. Like, might briefs provide better support, kind of like a sports bra for...?
Maybe they DO have a benefit after all!0 -
Hahahaha!!! Oh wow :laugh:0
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Learn something new every day.
Can't stop chuckling now.0 -
ahhhh
my dad is 49
this just
lol no :huh: :noway:0 -
Well, the boys do tend to drop, I've heard, with gravity and time, but as the distance between the toilet seat and the water in the average toilet has to be a good four-six inches.... that's a serious low-hanging issue. My hubs is in his 40s and not having any such issue, I must say. I'd guess each person is different, just as different women will suffer different levels of breast sag.
I wonder if this was a problem back in the days when men wore kilts? Maybe that's why they're knee-length.....0 -
+1Solid post, my friend.0 -
I cannot get the visualization of your balls dangling down into the toilet water. I am truly hoping the person before you flushed! EWW!0
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Do your balls hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder like a Continental soldier?
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?0 -
WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:Do your balls hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder like a Continental soldier?
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?0 -
Well I guess you do learn something new every day. Interesting.0
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Wait....wut?
there's more to look forward to when I get older? There wasn't enough already?
oh BALLZ!!!
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This is nothing new. In Italy, the Neopolitans have a word for it, "wallera", and it's used to describe someone who moves very slowly, like an old man who is afraid of walking too fast and bruising the boys.0
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To the person who sent the private message. You know who you are. I don't care if you do send instructions. I will NOT post a picture of them.0
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To the person who sent the private message. You know who you are. I don't care if you do send instructions. I will NOT post a picture of them.
Holy inappropriate?0
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