Eating for your hair type
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neandermagnon
Posts: 7,436 Member
in Chit-Chat
This is a new diet, you match your food according to your hair type. You need to determine your hair colour, and you follow the recommendations below. Because everyone knows that your hair roots go all the way down to your digestive system. And the diet works even better if you also take pills containing extract of unicorn pee and tail hair. (it's only $199.99 for a months supply).
Note: if like me you're heterozygous, you have to eat for both hair types. You see I have one copy of the ginger gene and one of the brown haired gene, so even though I've got brown hair, I need to follow both the brown and ginger haired advice as the "don't eat" foods for gingers still act on that recessive gene sitting in all my cells and I might spontaneously combust if I eat them even though said recessive gene is not expressed in my phenotype.
The eating plan:
gingers:
eat: orange food, e.g. oranges, carrots, anything seaasoned with garam masala, orange smarties and other orange candy
don't eat: blue food. This includes blueberries on account of the name in spite of the fact they're actually purple.
blondes:
eat: yellow and white food, e.g. bananas, white rice, white bread, pilau rice, saffron potatoes
don't eat: purple foods, so no aubergines or blueberries for you! and red grapes are not allowed even though they're called red grapes because in actual fact they are purple. Yep, no red wine either, sorry. But knock yourself out on white wine and champagne.
brunettes:
eat: you lucky things you, you get to eat all the chocolate you like and still stay thin.
don't eat: yellow foods. what I said about chocolate only applies to chocolate with about 50% cocoa or higher. Milky bar type of white chocolate will coagulate in your lymphatic system. Oh yeah and don't drink white wine or champagne either. But you can drink all the beer you like, and if you mix wine with beer that's okay because the resulting mixture is brown.
people with black hair (sorry you don't seem to have your own special word, blame the dictionary, not me):
eat: black foods, like blackcurrants, blackberries, black pepper and Guinness. And anything you mix into Guinness will be good for you.
don't eat: transparent foods, such as jelly and water. Anything you drink has to be viscous enough that you can't see your hand the other side of the glass. Stick to Guinness to be on the safe side.
people with grey or white hair:
eat: foods that are highly distinguished such as caviar and lobster, or anything that goes well with fava beans and a nice chianti
don't eat: new-fangled foods of the younger generation such as all these new fangled donut and cupcake varieties you get in food shops nowadays.
So there you have it! A simple diet whereby everyone can lose weight just by eating right for their hair type!
Note: if like me you're heterozygous, you have to eat for both hair types. You see I have one copy of the ginger gene and one of the brown haired gene, so even though I've got brown hair, I need to follow both the brown and ginger haired advice as the "don't eat" foods for gingers still act on that recessive gene sitting in all my cells and I might spontaneously combust if I eat them even though said recessive gene is not expressed in my phenotype.
The eating plan:
gingers:
eat: orange food, e.g. oranges, carrots, anything seaasoned with garam masala, orange smarties and other orange candy
don't eat: blue food. This includes blueberries on account of the name in spite of the fact they're actually purple.
blondes:
eat: yellow and white food, e.g. bananas, white rice, white bread, pilau rice, saffron potatoes
don't eat: purple foods, so no aubergines or blueberries for you! and red grapes are not allowed even though they're called red grapes because in actual fact they are purple. Yep, no red wine either, sorry. But knock yourself out on white wine and champagne.
brunettes:
eat: you lucky things you, you get to eat all the chocolate you like and still stay thin.
don't eat: yellow foods. what I said about chocolate only applies to chocolate with about 50% cocoa or higher. Milky bar type of white chocolate will coagulate in your lymphatic system. Oh yeah and don't drink white wine or champagne either. But you can drink all the beer you like, and if you mix wine with beer that's okay because the resulting mixture is brown.
people with black hair (sorry you don't seem to have your own special word, blame the dictionary, not me):
eat: black foods, like blackcurrants, blackberries, black pepper and Guinness. And anything you mix into Guinness will be good for you.
don't eat: transparent foods, such as jelly and water. Anything you drink has to be viscous enough that you can't see your hand the other side of the glass. Stick to Guinness to be on the safe side.
people with grey or white hair:
eat: foods that are highly distinguished such as caviar and lobster, or anything that goes well with fava beans and a nice chianti
don't eat: new-fangled foods of the younger generation such as all these new fangled donut and cupcake varieties you get in food shops nowadays.
So there you have it! A simple diet whereby everyone can lose weight just by eating right for their hair type!
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Replies
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A diet plan revolving around chocolate? I've been doing this all week and I didn't even know it! :drinker:0
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:laugh: Just the title is funny.0
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So if I'm a natural brunette but an unnatural blonde, then what do I eat?
:ohwell: :frown:0 -
I have no idea what my natural hair color is!!!0
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Oh good, so if I eat carrots I can become ginger!0
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I don't like chocolate so I'm dying my hair blonde.
wait wait..no wine? FORGET IT!0 -
This :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: so funnyA diet plan revolving around chocolate? I've been doing this all week and I didn't even know it! :drinker:
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Auburn? Can I combine brunette and red head?
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Is this a case of having to check to see if the carpet matches the drapes?0
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But I don't like pilau rice. :sad: Can I substitute it with cauliflower?blondes:
eat: yellow and white food, e.g. bananas, white rice, white bread, pilau rice, saffron potatoes
don't eat: purple foods, so no aubergines or blueberries for you! and red grapes are not allowed even though they're called red grapes because in actual fact they are purple. Yep, no red wine either, sorry. But knock yourself out on white wine and champagne.0 -
Sounds like you got ripped off. The one I bought also included pixie dust and a magic wand sprinkled with the vomit of a gnome. I've been eating for my hair type for a while now, but these pills are "making my dreams come true" faster than ever. I don't even have to do my weekly detox anymore! My Saturday nights are free for carb-loading!
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But I don't like pilau rice. :sad: Can I substitute it with cauliflower?blondes:
eat: yellow and white food, e.g. bananas, white rice, white bread, pilau rice, saffron potatoes
don't eat: purple foods, so no aubergines or blueberries for you! and red grapes are not allowed even though they're called red grapes because in actual fact they are purple. Yep, no red wine either, sorry. But knock yourself out on white wine and champagne.
blondes can substitute anything with cauliflower
other hair colours will have to substitute cauliflower as follows:
gingers: butternut squash
brunettes: wood chips
black haired people: Guinness0 -
Is this a case of having to check to see if the carpet matches the drapes?
yes, and if they don't you have to eat right for both the carpet and drapes hair colour0 -
I have no idea what my natural hair color is!!!
Your journey is over. Just give up now!0 -
What the hell do bald people eat?
Guess I'll have to stick with Bourbon, Cigars and Strippers.0 -
Auburn? Can I combine brunette and red head?
yes you should, that sounds kind of similar to being heterozygous, maybe there's even a co-dominance thing going on0 -
What the hell do bald people eat?
Guess I'll have to stick with Bourbon, Cigars and Strippers.
yes, especially the strippers. And they should be bald too (everywhere).0 -
So if I'm a natural brunette but an unnatural blonde, then what do I eat?
:ohwell: :frown:
people with artificially coloured hair should eat artificially coloured food. So eat the candies off candy crush.0 -
Blah! I'd rather starve than eat the stuff they have listed for gingers. :grumble: Oh, I get it. So that's how I'll lose the weight.
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Blah! I'd rather starve than eat the stuff they have listed for gingers. :grumble: Oh, I get it. So that's how I'll lose the weight.
how can you not like orange smarties? That's a heresy!! They're the best ones! Are you from a country that doesn't have smarties? if so then that makes me sad :sad:0
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