My fiancé just doesn't get it :/

lawkat

...really dedicated to getting into shape...keeps trying to convince me that I HAVE to exercise...I'm doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred...my fiancé trying to drill it into my head that I absolutely have to work out...

You're fighting about working out and how you don't have to work out but you're already working out?

I had started out exercising but since my birthday (this past Tuesday) I fell off the exercise wagon and I'm really tryin to get back on. But his problem is that I haven't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm screwing everything up and giving up on getting into shape even though I'm still stayig within my calories and eating better. I plan on getting back into exercising because I don't want to be flabby in my stomach when I lose the weight. But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.

I think his concern is valid. You said that he is upset that you haven't worked out in 3 days and thinks you will screw things up. I think what he is trying to convey is that he is concerned that you fitness level will decline the the more time to don't workout. That is completely different than him believing that you need to workout to lose weight. He is right that the more time you don't workout, your fitness level is decline and it will take a few extra days to regain that. Give up on trying to convince him that you don't really need to workout to lose weight. He isn't going to validate what you are saying and you are just going to end up resenting him for it. Don't talk to him about it. Like others have said, go out and make some friends. I know it isn't easy, but someone suggested Meetup.com. It is a great website. You are too young to isolate yourself that way.

lizj0nes21

This is my advice from personal experience only:
1. I feel your pain. My GF can be wishy washy on supporting me. She tells me I look like I'm toning up and losing weight, then in the next breath she will say she doesn't see the changes in pictures. So, I don't rely on her observation for my success. When she compliments me, I say, "thanks babe" and leave it that.

2. Everyone thinks they know everything about weight loss/ toning up. Whether it's your Fiance or friends, people are gonna throw out some interesting theories your way. Weight loss and healthy lifesyle changings are trial and error. You will learn what works for you !! I don't even tell friends and family that I am trying to loose weight anymore.. Just to avoid hearing everyone's ideas about how I should go about it.

3. When the fiance' tries to add his bit of advice, just "o.k." him and nod with acknowledgement or say something like, " you may be on to something" . That's why you are on MPF, to make friends with the same goals as you. You can vent to us, ask us questions, and get support.
:flowerforyou: good luck

Thanks! I love that I can fin people on MFP but my fiancé also complains about me being on my phone too much (all I do on my phone is MFP really)

Sounds like you just want to complain/vent about your fiance.

Would you rather we all just nod our heads and agree with what you're saying?

No, I am simply explaining my situation. I appreciate everyone's response and I am taking into considerations each one (that's rational, not so much the ones telling me to leave him). So thank you for responding and no I'm not just looking to complain about him and I don't want everyone to just nod their heads. I have had a lot of great suggestions and that is why I was looking for when I posted this thread. Thank you

Briargrey

1. Stop talking to him about it.

2. Get out there and make some friends. Why don't you have any friends???

1. Bad idea. Communication is key in relationships.

2. Not everyone needs friends.

OP - it is healthier to exercise, sounds like you get that, but you are right that you can lose weight by caloric deficit alone. Perhaps he just needs you to acknowledge it in a different way? Something along the lines of "Yes, you are right, I will be much healthier if I exercise a reasonable amount. I am, however, still losing weight, and for me, I need baby steps of lifestyle changes. So why don't I keep doing this piece and do my 30DS for now and next month, we can look at adding in one more thing?"

It sounds like he does just want you to be overall healthier and not just skinny. So be happy with the fact that he is concerned!

lisalsd1

To be completely honest, I stopped reading the original post about half way through.

Exercise is for overall health and well-being. You don't have to exercise to lose weight, but you have to exercise to strengthen your heart. It's a muscle.

Not to be rude...but if this is a serious relationship issue (arguing about dieting vs. exercise), you probably shouldn't get married.

NRSPAM

5'3 and 136 you sound healthy. What you probably want to do is build muscle and lose body fat. Not something you are going to do with eating at a defecit alone. It's hard for me to come here and tell you want to do, as I am also 5'3" and sitting at a chunky 150 lbs currently. However .... I have dieted down to 135 in the past with loads of cardio and severe calorie restriction. I was still unhappy with my body, as I was just a smaller version of my former flabby self.

Take a look at what weight lifting can do for women. This is my new goal, and I hope I have success with it. The thing is...you need to eat to fuel your body, and although the scale might go up, the inches will go down.

Sorry..but I have to agree with your boyfriend for the kind of results that you are looking for. You are already at a healthy weight.

^^^Agreed! You will be amazed at what heavy lifting can do for a woman's body! I know I have been. I've always done machine's, but since I started doing heavy lifting, I must say that I'm starting to really look ahhhmazing!!! Nothing beats a squat booty, and some sexy, toned, curvy arms on a woman. As far as the BF goes. I would just tell him to chill, and that you DO plan on exercising. No, you don't have to do it to lose weight, but it will be much more beneficial in the end. Not only for appearance, but also for your health. If you can just squeeze 3 days in a week, for 30min's-1hour, that is really all it takes. Later on, if you can do more, then do it. Don't stress about the small things. Atleast you don't have your husband pointing and laughing everytime you weigh your food. SMH!

rml_16

1. Stop talking to him about it.

2. Get out there and make some friends. Why don't you have any friends???

1. Bad idea. Communication is key in relationships.

2. Not everyone needs friends.

1. This isn't the kind of communication that is key in relationships.

2. Yeah, they kinda do.

Shuuma

The additional thought occurs to me that he maybe is encouraging you to get back into your exercise regime the only way he knows how. He sounds like a coach of a sports team revving the guys up for the regional game. He sees you (admittedly) slacking off and knows it will be harder to get back at it the longer you go. Maybe he's going about it awkwardly, but maybe it's just the best way he understands to motivate you to get back into the routine.

Good luck and get back to your workout!! :flowerforyou:

bagge72

You look great, so don't really worry about it, just do want you want to do, and stop talking to people about it, and then people will stop trying to tell you what to do. If they ask you if you are working out, or on a diet just say no. It really ends up being pretty simple if you don't care what people think.

It's funny, because once people do find out that you were trying to lose weight they seem to judge everything you do. It's like if I have a large meal, people will be like is that what you are suppose to be eating (well *kitten* yeah it is, it is delicious) or if I just eat something light they will be like, oh your still on your diet (no I'm just not that f*cking hungry right now).

devil_in_a_blue_dress

For real, can't you just ask him to google BMR and TDEE? If he doesn't want to or still denies bodies burn calories unless they are exercising, can't you just be like "Eric, I know you are trying to be helpful but telling me I need to workout or I will fail isn't helping me achieve my goals."?

I agree if he offers up lame advice you should just stop talking about it with him, but if he's bugging you to work out and you don't find that very motivation, THAT is what you should talk to him about.

andit001

Not everyone can be smart enough to understand that everything needs energy. Even only talking and thinking consumes energy. All the energy we use is coming from the sun and made usable for us by the plants. That's what you learn in high school biology.

But you surely can't force someone to understand logic.

Hornsby

If your goal is to get him to understand how you can lose weight without exercising, explain it simply.

3500 calories equals 1lb of weight. Your body burns XXX amount per day (TDEE). In order for you to lose one lb per week, you have to be 3500 calories under your XXX (TDEE) for the week. Then explain how there are a variety of ways to get there. Yes, exercising would allow you to be fit and allow you more food, because you would gain calories from that, but it isn't necessary if your goal is to just drop a few lbs.

I tried that, he doesn't believe that our bodies burn calories without doing anything (ex: exercising)

If that is the only thing holding him back from believing you, a quick search on google for him should change that. If he doesn't believe it then because he has to always be right, I am not sure what to tell you.

alisonlynn1976

Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.

andit001

Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.

yeah, sure, rather plan for the end of the relationship already! Never heard any better reasoning/argumentation.

reality_girl

TL Break Up

balls, you beat me

alisonlynn1976

Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.

yeah, sure, rather plan for the end of the relationship already! Never heard any better reasoning/argumentation.

Do you disagree with me that it's important to have more than one source of social support, or was that just a general insult?

Also, how many people do you suppose get married at 21 *to someone they already dislike so much that they post online rants about their frequent arguments* and then end up staying together for life? That doesn't sound the least bit realistic.

angie007az

It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.

Just have him join MFP and post in the forums. Then everyone else here will do the work for you. Yayyy!

I like it.

nm212

You have to remember that men and women also think differently too. Alot of men on here are aware of things that I think most guys are not. He probably thinks you want him to solve your "problem" with weight....Alot of guys are problem solvers when women just really want to be listened to and supported. You're not going to change him. I would just agree to disagree and get your support from this site. He's trying to help you but he's not. I would just try to not take it too personally. You're doing it on your own and this is your journey, not his (although he might be part of it). It definitely helps to have support from your partner, but in life, you don't always have that so just gotta accept it and be happy anyway.

andit001

Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.

yeah, sure, rather plan for the end of the relationship already! Never heard any better reasoning/argumentation.

Do you disagree with me that it's important to have more than one source of social support, or was that just a general insult?

Also, how many people do you suppose get married at 21 *to someone they already dislike so much that they post online rants about their frequent arguments* and then end up staying together for life? That doesn't sound the least bit realistic.

It doesn't matter how realistic it may sound to you or not. It's still cruel to just plan for the end of the relationship - especially when being married. There are many other reasons why it's good to have some people around. To have friends because you could loose your relationship is just a dumb thing to do.

I may be dumb, too. Because I still recommend people to fight for their relationships instead of giving up.

Hornsby

Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.

yeah, sure, rather plan for the end of the relationship already! Never heard any better reasoning/argumentation.

Do you disagree with me that it's important to have more than one source of social support, or was that just a general insult?

Also, how many people do you suppose get married at 21 *to someone they already dislike so much that they post online rants about their frequent arguments* and then end up staying together for life? That doesn't sound the least bit realistic.

It doesn't matter how realistic it may sound to you or not. It's still cruel to just plan for the end of the relationship - especially when being married. There are many other reasons why it's good to have some people around. To have friends because you could loose your relationship is just a dumb thing to do.

I may be dumb, too. Because I still recommend people to fight for their relationships instead of giving up.

I'm not sure she was saying what you think she was saying OR I am getting something different. All she is saying in my opinion is that you can't count on others for happiness. That comes from yourself. If one person makes or breaks your happiness, and you can't be happy without them, then that one person can destroy your happiness as well. That is no way to live.

andit001

It's too off-topic already anway.

Hope they can solve that problem somehow. And OP stays motivated.

God bless.