Dealing with sabatagers

amymrls

This is something that I personally have a hard time understanding. Why do women think that when they are "getting healthy" that everyone around them has to do so as well? You can't control what the man in your life does, ll you can control is what you do....

It shouldn't matter what things your man is bringing in the house. If he is eating crap in front of you and you don't leave the room you are sabotaging yourself. this is your raod and it's nice if someone chooses to travel it with you, but you can't force anyone else to do so. All you can do is ask him nicely and if he doesn't want to, then you need to do something different so you don't sabotage yourself.

amymrls

The only person that can sabotage you is yourself.
You do what YOU want in order to look the way YOU want to look.

In the end your husband sould love you not for your looks but for who you are. If he doesn't than you got bigger problems than just him trying to ''sabotage'' you...

^^^^^THis!!!

Iwishyouwell

"You look ill."
"You looked better before,"
"You don't need to lose any more weight."
"Go on, have one!"
"Go on, have another!"
"God, you're BORING, you!"

etc.

Um

Um what? I faced all of those comments in the past few months, including borderline tantrums about 'wasting money on food' when I stuck to my guns and refused.

The OP said he was making comments, she didn't say what those comments were. Let's not pigeonhole this guy, his comments, and his motivations without knowing the facts of the situation.

I wasn't pigeonholing anybody, I was referring to comments that I faced myself by people who were trying to sabotage my diet, you know, the subject matter of this very thread?

This thread isn't about people trying to sabotage your diet. This thread is about a situation the OP is facing in her life with her spouse, and how to deal with that specific situation, not asking people in general to share their stories of dieting woe. Perhaps, again, we should wait for more details, since we don't know what was said to her, and bringing food into the house doesn't always have an ulterior motive.

What in the world are you talking about?

The subject of this thread is diet saboteurs, and the OP specifically enquired about other people's experiences:

"I don't know if I am the only one on here that has this problem but I am really at a loss."
"Has anyone else had this problem before?"

She also never said the issue was just about food in the house, but also informed us her husband "is making comments".

Ergo Moya answering according to a direct question by the OP with specific comments he's heard that he feels are from saboteurs.

The man is completely on topic. It's you, and a couple other ladies, whose miscomprehension led to a foolish attempts to hand smack this man for no reason whatsoever.

rockmama72

People who have lived together for a while tend to forget how much their behaviors can affect the other. In my house, I've been sort of an annoying weight-loss freak for a month now. Is it possible that you have been too? Hubs could be reacting to the change in your behavior. Or he just doesn't realize how his behavior affects you. Or you might be too sensitive. Or he might be jerky.

I promise you though, you won't get the issue resolved by a bunch of people you don't know on MFP. Talk to him without complaining or accusing, then kiss and make up and maybe even burn off a few extra calories horizontally.

:blushing:

kgeyser

"You look ill."
"You looked better before,"
"You don't need to lose any more weight."
"Go on, have one!"
"Go on, have another!"
"God, you're BORING, you!"

etc.

Um

Um what? I faced all of those comments in the past few months, including borderline tantrums about 'wasting money on food' when I stuck to my guns and refused.

The OP said he was making comments, she didn't say what those comments were. Let's not pigeonhole this guy, his comments, and his motivations without knowing the facts of the situation.

I wasn't pigeonholing anybody, I was referring to comments that I faced myself by people who were trying to sabotage my diet, you know, the subject matter of this very thread?

This thread isn't about people trying to sabotage your diet. This thread is about a situation the OP is facing in her life with her spouse, and how to deal with that specific situation, not asking people in general to share their stories of dieting woe. Perhaps, again, we should wait for more details, since we don't know what was said to her, and bringing food into the house doesn't always have an ulterior motive.

What in the world are you talking about?

The subject of this thread is diet saboteurs, and the OP specifically enquired about other people's experiences:

"I don't know if I am the only one on here that has this problem but I am really at a loss."
"Has anyone else had this problem before?"

She also never said the issue was just about food in the house, but also informed us her husband "is making comments".

Ergo Moya answering according to a direct question by the OP with specific comments he's heard that he feels are from saboteurs.

The man is completely on topic. It's you, and a couple other ladies, whose miscomprehension led to a foolish attempts to hand smack this man for no reason whatsoever.

We have no idea what comments are being made, or even why the husband is bringing food into the house. The OP is assuming it's because he's upset about her weight loss or thinks she is going to leave. Moya immediately jumped on the "jealous haters" line of reasoning for the husband's actions. Sorry, but I've seen far too many posts on here from people claiming that everyone is out to sabotage their diet to automatically assume that's even what's happening in this situation. The OP hasn't been back to clarify what she meant, so assuming that the comments made by the husband were anything like that was a bit pre-mature. Even Moya saw the point we were making and agreed, so I'm not sure why you're getting upset about it.

Iwishyouwell

"You look ill."
"You looked better before,"
"You don't need to lose any more weight."
"Go on, have one!"
"Go on, have another!"
"God, you're BORING, you!"

etc.

Um

Um what? I faced all of those comments in the past few months, including borderline tantrums about 'wasting money on food' when I stuck to my guns and refused.

The OP said he was making comments, she didn't say what those comments were. Let's not pigeonhole this guy, his comments, and his motivations without knowing the facts of the situation.

I wasn't pigeonholing anybody, I was referring to comments that I faced myself by people who were trying to sabotage my diet, you know, the subject matter of this very thread?

This thread isn't about people trying to sabotage your diet. This thread is about a situation the OP is facing in her life with her spouse, and how to deal with that specific situation, not asking people in general to share their stories of dieting woe. Perhaps, again, we should wait for more details, since we don't know what was said to her, and bringing food into the house doesn't always have an ulterior motive.

What in the world are you talking about?

The subject of this thread is diet saboteurs, and the OP specifically enquired about other people's experiences:

"I don't know if I am the only one on here that has this problem but I am really at a loss."
"Has anyone else had this problem before?"

She also never said the issue was just about food in the house, but also informed us her husband "is making comments".

Ergo Moya answering according to a direct question by the OP with specific comments he's heard that he feels are from saboteurs.

The man is completely on topic. It's you, and a couple other ladies, whose miscomprehension led to a foolish attempts to hand smack this man for no reason whatsoever.

We have no idea what comments are being made, or even why the husband is bringing food into the house. The OP is assuming it's because he's upset about her weight loss or thinks she is going to leave. Moya immediately jumped on the "jealous haters" line of reasoning for the husband's actions. Sorry, but I've seen far too many posts on here from people claiming that everyone is out to sabotage their diet to automatically assume that's even what's happening in this situation. The OP hasn't been back to clarify what she meant, so assuming that the comments made by the husband were anything like that was a bit pre-mature. Even Moya saw the point we were making and agreed, so I'm not sure why you're getting upset about it.

And you still aren't getting it.

The OP did not limit this thread to talking solely about her or her husband. The OP specifically asked us all if we've ever dealt with saboteurs making comments, or bringing home "bad" food, and used her husband as an example. From there each and every person was free to either comment on her individual case, or per the OP's questions, give examples in their own lives of potentially sabotaging behavior of those around them. That's why Moya did, and you assumed he was jumping on some "jealous haters" bandwagon when all the man actually did was list some comments he himself had encountered.

Whether the OP's husband is an actual saboteur, or not, is irrelevant to my point. Moya was well within the topic presented by the OP, you were wrong, the ladies who harped on him were wrong, and all three of you were out of line. End of story.

Iwishyouwell

People who have lived together for a while tend to forget how much their behaviors can affect the other. In my house, I've been sort of an annoying weight-loss freak for a month now. Is it possible that you have been too? Hubs could be reacting to the change in your behavior. Or he just doesn't realize how his behavior affects you. Or you might be too sensitive. Or he might be jerky.

It's true, and it works both ways.

At the end of the day we all are responsible for our own food choices. It would do us all well to get to the point of being strong enough to resist indulging in behaviors that don't help our goals. In an optimal world it would be nice if we all had the strength to resist gorging all the goodies our loved ones bring in the house.

But the reality is that some are weaker than others. For example I have grown strong through the years when it comes to food, after a lot of trial, error, and just accepting that the mind is as strong as you believe it is. So I am able to resist pretty well, if need be, according to my goals. So my wife can bring in any food she likes and I never request that she alter what she brings in our home.

However my wife is far weaker. She has an emotional eating problem, and having a house full of sugar and breads, her weakness, is far more difficult for her to handle than it is for me. If I chose to go out and get a half gallon of ice cream, and/or some other goody, that she's going to have trouble resisting I do exercise compassion. There is no reason for me to put food like that out in the open to tempt her. I can put the ice cream in the back of the freezer so it's not so taunting. I won't 100% comply with this, but I sure can take these precautions most times. Those are little courtesies and points of compassion that I can give to the love of my life. From the outside it doesn't look "fair" that she can get away with being more brazen than me, but we also are different people with different strengths and weaknesses.

Do I HAVE to do this? No. Ultimately she's solely responsible for what she eats. But I lose nothing by helping her out.

Some spouses do try and sabotage. But even if a spouse isn't actively trying to, what do they have to lose be exercising a little discretion and understanding?

Kiwi94544

Yeah, I don't like the way that many people on "diets" label people NOT on diets like theirs as "saboteurs"

I go out to eat with friends, for example, and often times, we're eating at chain restaurants like Cheesecake Factory, BJ's - places with menus that are 90% high-calorie, huge-portion meals. We order what we want off the menu. Now if my 4 friends order meals that are full of high-calorie, deep-fried, cheesy deliciousness & I order a lower-calorie, healthier option, I don't look at it as THEM trying to sabotage ME by ordering meals that I "can't" have - I look at is as we're each eating what we want. If I want to lose weight, I have to eat healthy - that's it. Sometimes I splurge a bit, but that's on me too. None of my friends force-feed me their meals.

And many of our dinners end with a dessert shared by all at the table. But that's on ME to have my two spoonfuls and then stop. If my friends keep eating, that's not THEM tempting me - that's them making THEIR choice about what to eat. The same way I have to make my choice. They might make comments like "Oh, have some more girl!" or whatever, but I just say no a few times and that's it.

You can't expect everyone around you to eat differently just because YOU'VE decided to. And if you use what someone ELSE is doing as an excuse to eat what you know you shouldn't, then that, in my opinion, comes down to YOUR actions and YOUR decision. Unless someone is verbally or physically abusing you into feeling 'forced' to eat, they are NOT sabotaging you. I would HATE having someone else tell me what I could and could not eat in my own home. That's not fair - and that sucks for whomever is feeling "forced" to live a life around someone else's "rules"

People in offices and workplaces are surrounded by communal candy dishes and birthday cakes all the time.... Mothers with small children are surrounded by crackers and cookies and kiddy treats all the time.... Most of us do NOT live in a "crap-free zone" when it comes to food - that's why eating right can be hard. But that's also why willpower and self-control are key in succeeding. There will ALWAYS be McDonalds, deep-fried twinkies and all those "bad" foods - the key is refraining from eating them. But that's on you - not on someone else to do that for you, including your spouse

GBrady43068

Guys can be pretty clueless somethimes (no offense, men). I have told my BF many times about the types of food I want to be eating and also the types I want to limit or avoid, and have even asked him not to bring certain types of junk food into the house (especially ice cream and chocolate!) cause my self control is very weak sometimes.... yet he stil asks me every now and then "do you wanna go out for ice cream?" or comes home with a big bag of chocolate covered blueberries and leaves them out on the kitchen table. I really don't

Actually ice cream is a trigger food for me and I usually go out for it when I want it. If I go out, I'm only getting a scoop (or two at most). If I bring home a pint, it's pretty well guaranteed I will drain that bad boy the same day. "Going out" for it is exercising self-control to me...I have to really want it to do that. Most times I'll just decide "Nah...."

Kiwi94544

Actually ice cream is a trigger food for me and I usually go out for it when I want it. If I go out, I'm only getting a scoop (or two at most). If I bring home a pint, it's pretty well guaranteed I will drain that bad boy the same day. "Going out" for it is exercising self-control to me...I have to really want it to do that. Most times I'll just decide "Nah...."
[/quote]

This. My cheat meals always involve a meal OUT - I eat until I am full, and give my leftovers away or just leave it. Might seem wasteful, but most of the time I wind up eating 2/3's of my meal, so I'm not "wasting" much, if any at all. Anything that I don't want to be eating regularly gets eaten OUTSIDE of the home.... Cause out of sight, out of mind, and I too am in all likelihood not going to feel like ice cream at 9:30pm and make a run to the grocery store to buy it.

That being said, I've gone to friends home's who've offered me cake or ice cream or whatever, and if it's not a designated "cheat" meal for me, I will say no. I don't think I have a ton of willpower or anything - but I definitely think planning out a cheat meal helps with being able to stay away from bad foods in between those times. I have a cheat meal about twice a week, on opposing days - like a cheat "lunch" on a Wednesday, and a cheat "dinner" on a Saturday or something. I don't go nuts, or eat til I'm bursting, but I eat what I want for that 1 meal, and that's it - and I try to eat light the rest of the day to accommodate for the bit of calorie splurge for those meals. If I feel like something another day of the week, I just remind myself I can always have it for my cheat meal, and that - at least for me, lessens any "need" I feel for whatever it is I'm craving.

Iwishyouwell

Ice cream is my weakness too. Anything else I can have in the house, but if ice cream is here that I actually enjoy, fuhgettaboutit. Nobody here is an ice cream fanatic like I am, so it's seldom around. And I only buy it when I'm planning to eat A LOT, without any restrictions!

schondell

any second now ..the 'divorce him" crew will come flying in here..that train is never late

:laugh:

doglover1984

Okay well I see that people aren't really understanding what I meant. The sabatage I am talking about is not just with food, and I guess that it would most likely be called mind game. When he buys junk food that I know that he doesn't like but that I love when I have asked him many times not to I call that sabatage. I have a really hard time with food and it has taken a long time for me to get to the control that I have now, we have snacks in the house that are his and I am fine with that or ones for the kids also fine. But when he buys something for me ( almost every week ) and leaves it hear ( he works afternoons 2 weeks a month ) so I find that hard. I am getting comments like " what guys did you have over when I was at work", " oh your going out to pick up", " oh who are you wearing that for", " I think you looked fine before you started to loose weight", ( that ones not that bad). I have had many talks with him about how I feel about the comments and about how much I love him. We have been together for 11years and have 3 kids, I have no plans on going anywhere, I am not pushing my lifestyle on anyone in the house. I get up before anyone is even up to do my workout so I am not taking away from anyone. I have also supported him for 2 years of him going to the gym. I will give one more example: His gym is having an open house and he asked me if I wanted to go with him ( he is into weight training and I am trying to loose more weight ), I said yes I would love to go because I am curious how I would do on a tredmill, and then he said forget it because what's the point if I am not going to life weights with him. I told him I would do some weights but I also wanted to try out the tredmill, but he said forget it never mind me going. I don't understand why and I hope this helps clarify what I was talking about. I was not attacking men I was just putting out what is happening to me and if anyone else has had to deal with anything like this.