Is marriage a big waste of time ?

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Replies

  • sweetpea03b
    sweetpea03b Posts: 1,123 Member
    My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years, married 5... and there have been times we wanted to kill each other.... times we just wanted to give up... it is hard WORK. There is the problem for all those people that end up divorced. It is WORK and if you are not willing to WORK on your relationship for the rest of your life together then.... no, you shouldn't get married.

    Also, there are so many people that meet someone and are convinced in 6months that they are THE ONE and get married right away... MOST of those relationships don't last because they barely knew the person they were marrying.

    That being said, people change over the years... and some people think "you're not the person I married... I don't love you anymore... I want a divorce". What they fail to see is that THEY are not the person that got married either. Everyone changes and grows... I once read a quote that went something like "Everyone changes and grows over time. The reason for marriage is to bind you together so you can fall in love with each other again and again as you change over the years" Something like that... basically saying... you will be different people later... but if you give it time and care to learn the new version of each other... you will find new things to love about them and you will fall in love all over again.

    But... if you're lazy and don't feel like working on it... stay single and live for the here and right now. Marriage isn't for everyone.... just like parenthood isn't for everyone and it would be better if you know that going in rather than trying and failing miserably and screwing up other people's lives in the process.
  • vvendy_darling
    vvendy_darling Posts: 75
    The first 30 years are the hardest.


    (Married for 51 years so speak from experience.)

    congrats to you! that is simply fantastic!
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    Jaded are we?

    No, my marriage has not been a waste of time. We've been married almost 10 years and are very happy.
  • summertime_girl
    summertime_girl Posts: 3,945 Member
    No. It's not. Sometimes I feel bitter and angry about it. But I spent 20 years with someone I loved, and got two beautiful kids out of the deal. It ended horribly, and that is awful. But it wasn't a waste of my time.
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
    ...Marriage is a very hard thing ...The good old love has been lost forever.

    In today's world where adultery & betrayal has become a sort of a norm, ...

    I think in a life where these ^^ things are true, then marriage probably would be a waste of time.

    But not everyone thinks that way.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    I can't wait to do it.... again.
  • Of_Monsters_and_Meat
    Of_Monsters_and_Meat Posts: 1,022 Member
    I think legalizing marriage would be the greatest thing we could do as a society to stop the proliferation of the aids virus.
  • SexKittenlovesitrough
    SexKittenlovesitrough Posts: 486
    you are asking the wrong question...

    is commitment a waste of time is what you really want to ask.

    marriage is a form of commitment and there are lots of people against it, that still commit to someone for the bulk of their lives.
  • chelstakencharge
    chelstakencharge Posts: 1,021 Member
    As a woman/mom going through a divorce that I never saw coming after being married 15 years....I am just not sure how I feel. I love the idea of marriage but I know that what I had was not healthy. I have literally been to hell and back and am afraid that my heart is so cold to the whole idea now. I'm not sure that I could allow my heart to hurt like this again.
  • princessofredrock
    princessofredrock Posts: 382 Member
    Married 22 yrs and together for 24. Has it always been easy? Nope. You have to earn someone's love and respect and reciprocate!

    Fear of loss or rejection is not a reason to not be in a relationship! Sounds like insecurity to me.

    I am thankful every day for the wonderful man in my life.

    Oh and P.S.-- Being intimate with someone for this long definitely has it's advantages! :wink:
  • cuinboston2014
    cuinboston2014 Posts: 848 Member
    As a devout Christian I have my religious views that adamantly are opposed to marraige being considered a waste of time. But, religion aside, I personally don't believe it's a waste of time.

    I have been married for less than one year - however, my parents have been married for over 40 years and so have my husband's. When i was 18 i always wanted to get married at 22. I dated a few nice guys who talked about getting married but I never felt it. Until I met my husband. I was 26 and he was 41. And he was everything I wanted and needed. We do sometimes have to ground ourselves and go back to religion to calm down after an argument etc but I wouldn't trade it.

    While it has only been a year, we have also had some struggles. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (all clear now :)), some of the things from my past came back to haunt us financially, and we've both had some family issues. We've adjusted to him being a father to my daughter as her dad is not in the picture. We've had a few trying times but when I wake up each morning I know that i am blessed to have him. I am blessed to have my family to come home to. I know that it's work and he knows that, too. I can't speak from years of experience but we are willing to put in the work to make sure that we continue to rely on each other through good and bad.
  • liesevanlingen
    liesevanlingen Posts: 508 Member
    ...Marriage is a very hard thing and requires people with qualities like selflessness,magnanimity,pragmatism,empathy & candor.Unfortunately these qualities are getting rarer & rarer these days as the world is becoming full of self-centered,egoistic & inconsiderate narcissist's...

    Well, people with qualities of "selflessness,magnanimity, pragmatism, empathy & candor" don't find marriage to be hard at all. In fact, it's a crap ton of fun most of the time. Sure there are brief moments of irritation, but they are brief and so worth it when you've got the right partner. Enjoying marriage is ALL about attitude and putting your spouse in a place of compassion, honor and respect in your life. You need to love your spouse at least as much as you love yourself. (Sorry all you "self-centered, egoistic & inconsiderate narcissist's" out there, but it's true. It's not all about YOU.) There should be no score-keeping, grudge-holding or game-playing. Don't think about what you can get out of it, but rather what you can bring to it. And if it's the real deal, it gets EVEN BETTER over time! That's the part I love most. :heart:

    OP, I'm sorry that you have had some rough experiences in your relationships. We tend to find what we're looking for, so if all you're seeing is negativity, maybe you should change your outlook. If you seek goodness, you have to be open to it. If you are expecting the worst, you're sure to find it. Remember, you don't have to be married to live a happy life. if it's not right for you, don't do it. Good luck in the future. :flowerforyou:

    This 100%! I've been married for 18 years, have four beautiful kids and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. We're still crazy about each other and I can't see that ever changing.
  • FraggleRockerFitnessLover
    FraggleRockerFitnessLover Posts: 307
    I believe in marriage, it's hard work, but what works for us is honesty, listening, open communication, and understanding. We have been married since 2006, been on a rollarcoaster this last year, now smooth sailing...but are both still in love...
  • Highmfemale
    Highmfemale Posts: 2
    No it's not if its the right person.

    I got married June 2012 after 8 years and two children together, my husband suddenly died in our garden 2.5 months later aged just 38 and i buried him just three months after our wedding.

    Will never regret marrying him just wish we could have mananged another 30 odd years together......
  • csuhar
    csuhar Posts: 779 Member
    No more than counting calories, exercising, learning a new skill, practicing an art, etc.

    It's all about what you want out of it and what you're willing to put into it.

    Of course, it also means that it's not for everyone all the time. The challenge is that a lot of people feel pressured into it and may be tying the knot at a time or with an individual that simply isn't right.

    Do I think it would have been nice to have been able to get married and start a family when most of my friends did? Sure. I wouldn't be upset if my life worked out that way. But the truth of the matter is that I am just now exiting out of a farily volatile period of my life that probably would have made rushing things just to "check the box" a bad idea.
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,275 Member
    I think you will get out of it what you put in to it.....I used to think like you...that I'd never find someone and get married, waste my time, because I love my things, like being able to go wherever I want when I want to etc etc....until I found the right person....see you won't know what it's like until you've experienced it yourself....good, bad or otherwise.....and all the advice in the world won't prep you for what it's really like. You either do or don't \m/
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I think that your thoughts on marriage are pretty rational and logical for someone who hasn't found the right person yet. I think if you meet someone you deem worthy of your time and commitment, then getting married makes perfect sense. The problem is being selective enough not to be deluded by passionate feelings.
  • miss_jessiejane
    miss_jessiejane Posts: 2,819 Member
    I don't think it's a waste of time, if it's with the right person, and if it's what both people want.
  • JamieSK
    JamieSK Posts: 266 Member
    Marriage is a gift whether you recognize it or not; it moves one from beyond themselves to love someone other than self and for the good of the other...thinking it's a waste of time = same result...self centered - THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN SELF CENTEREDNESS & THINKING ME, ME, ME!
  • serafinelaveaux
    serafinelaveaux Posts: 45 Member
    It all depends on who you marry. For me, marriage is the easiest thing ever. I got married in my thirties to a guy I totally clicked with. If I hadn't met him, I would have been fine staying single, but he was the right guy for me. I went in open eyes, accepting him as he was, and he accepted me as I was. We've never tried to "train" each other. I didn't go into this thinking "well when I'm through with him he'll be XXX". I think that's a lot of the problem for a lot of marriages that fail. They're not right from the start, but one or both people think things will change or they'll change the other person. That just invites resentment in.
  • Lonestar5775
    Lonestar5775 Posts: 740 Member
    A good marriage cultivates the qualities that make you a good person. Too much focus is on marrying the right person, instead of becoming a better person to be right for someone.
    Marriage based on anything less, is nearly doomed to fail.

    There is a lot of truth in this person's response. We were married at 20 (her) and 24 (me). We have both changed a lot but no matter who you marry, there is no possible way of predicting what life will bring or how your partner will react. You can however, choose how you will react and if your relationship is a high enough priority, you will make it work.

    We are now at 32 years, including two children. Some years are harder, some easier. My marriage has made me more stable and more content than I ever would have been alone.
  • mikeschratz
    mikeschratz Posts: 253 Member
    I was told to make a list of who I wanted that person to be, then to become that person. If I could become what I wanted to be, chances are I would end up with the right one...
    My wife and I celebrate 18 years of marriage in July... it ain't all been grand, but sharing everyday with her has been exceptional!
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  • Ashley_Panda
    Ashley_Panda Posts: 1,404 Member
    You're already wasting time. Why not waste time with someone you enjoy wasting time with?
  • crystalflame
    crystalflame Posts: 1,049 Member
    My fiance and I work together - since I started dating him, I've become vastly better at my job because I can share ideas with him, ask for help, and help him out. My cooking skills have improved because he encourages me to try new things. I've become a better runner because we run together and he motivates me to push myself. I can accomplish so much more WITH him than I can without him. Investing in him is investing in myself. I'm so excited and thrilled that I get to marry him.
  • Escloflowne
    Escloflowne Posts: 2,038 Member
    I don't think it's a waste of time but definitely a waste of money! Vegas is acceptable because it's cheap!
  • kshadows
    kshadows Posts: 1,315 Member
    I don't think it's a waste. My husband and I have been married nearly 3 years (not long, I'll admit) but we've been together for 7. We have 2 children (5 and 1) and have lived together for just over 6 years. I love him in a much different way than the infatuated, "honeymoon" stage of a relationship and we both put in WORK to keep our marriage the way we want it to be. I'm very happy and I can't imagine why someone wouldn't get married if they found the type of person I have. It's only a waste if it's two people not willing to put in the work and brave the trials.
  • The_1_Who_Knocks
    The_1_Who_Knocks Posts: 343 Member
    The mistake people make, and I did too, is that they get married before they truly understand who they are themselves. I've survived my mistake...so far...for 21 years.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    You know, as a divorcee, who is starting over at life, I do not feel that the institution of marriage is to blame for me failing at it. Poor judgment is to blame. Not taking the time to be certain that the person I was with was right for me and someone I wanted to spend my life with.
  • BerryH
    BerryH Posts: 4,698 Member
    I believe everyone should get married once. Thereafter I'm with Doctor Johnson: second marriages are a triumph of hope over experience.

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