mother in law advice

Fullsterkur_woman

But seriously. . why is everyone so freakishly selfish!? Is it an internet forum thing!? . .The poor woman is going through a nighmarishly difficult time in her life and part of that includes some irrational and overly emotional responses to things that an otherwise rational person might not care about. .

Is having those specific pictures on facebook so important to you that you start a war with the mother of the man you love? I'm astounded at the dearth of perspective and empathy in both the OP and the majority of the responses here.

*shakes head and walks away*

You know what, I think you're right. But I think that answer is probably from the perspective of someone dealing with a normally rational person. My immediate reaction was from the perspective of someone dealing with an irrational person with a personality disorder. In that case, it would be a bad idea to be accommodating to such a request, because it would invite further attempts to erode personal boundaries.

I just wanted to let you know that in some cases, it may be *too much* empathy, rather than not enough, that requires us to be so firm, lest we be overwhelmed and taken advantage of.

symplydevine

But seriously. . why is everyone so freakishly selfish!? Is it an internet forum thing!? . .The poor woman is going through a nighmarishly difficult time in her life and part of that includes some irrational and overly emotional responses to things that an otherwise rational person might not care about. .

Is having those specific pictures on facebook so important to you that you start a war with the mother of the man you love? I'm astounded at the dearth of perspective and empathy in both the OP and the majority of the responses here.

*shakes head and walks away*

The simple answer is boundaries. Would you remove photos hanging on your wall if your mil didn't like them? Hopefully not, because your home is your personal space where YOU need to feel comfortable, not her. Similar to facebook. MIL doesn't HAVE to look at the photos -- if she's not tagged in them, they aren't on her page. She doesn't have to look at them.

MIL is obviously going through a rough time, but that doesn't mean OP should cater to questionable behavior.

^^^ amen to this...

OP stated that this is the 4th Ex-husband MIL has had. So is OP obligated to remove all photos of any future ex's MIL may have? Where do you draw the line? My Granny always taught me don't start something you can't finish...

Soufre

Seriously, she can just untag herself. I'm sure there are pictures of me and my horrible ex floating around Facebook, but I'm not going to message my friends and make them delete every single one.

At least by untagging herself, those pictures won't show up on her profile.

MyChocolateDiet

Okay I have now FOR REALS solidified my stance on this issue.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

But seriously. . why is everyone so freakishly selfish!? Is it an internet forum thing!? . .The poor woman is going through a nighmarishly difficult time in her life and part of that includes some irrational and overly emotional responses to things that an otherwise rational person might not care about. .

Is having those specific pictures on facebook so important to you that you start a war with the mother of the man you love? I'm astounded at the dearth of perspective and empathy in both the OP and the majority of the responses here.

*shakes head and walks away*

The simple answer is boundaries. Would you remove photos hanging on your wall if your mil didn't like them? Hopefully not, because your home is your personal space where YOU need to feel comfortable, not her. Similar to facebook. MIL doesn't HAVE to look at the photos -- if she's not tagged in them, they aren't on her page. She doesn't have to look at them.

MIL is obviously going through a rough time, but that doesn't mean OP should cater to questionable behavior.

He does make a good point. And there is a difference between having photos in your home than photos all over facebook. She obviously (I would hope) has these photos stored elsewhere, and could take the photos of just her and her ex' down, if it is a group shot, then no, that would be unfair but I do get what he is saying.

I don't disagree that taking the ones of just the two of them down would be the polite thing to do. I think a lot depends on the MIL and if she usually makes these types of requests.

MyChocolateDiet

No wait, this.

MyChocolateDiet

actually on second thought ...this...



I seriously have never seen a OP with a truer dilemma. I guess just this is a case with go with your gut. You are the one that got chosen for that family so whatever you end up doing will likely fit into the "culture" of that family unit if you will. So trust your gut.

MyChocolateDiet

IN closing...daughter in laws have a distinct advantage over mother in laws b/c....

so play to your strengths OP.

ldrosophila

surprised at all the people saying mil should deal with it. id private them its painful to her why hurt her?

Azra124

My husband and I disowned both of our mothers.
Freedom is a good thing.

DavPul

surprised at all the people saying mil should deal with it. id private them its painful to her why hurt her?

Because it's a flat out unreasonable request. The wedding was 3 years ago, meaning that the photo album isn't in her face every day. She had to go digging for it in order to be "hurt". Like, I don't see my own photos on fb after they are a month old, much less someone else's album from 3 years ago. You can't be "hurt" by something you can't see. It's strictly a control issue and way out of bounds, imo.

Lyadeia

Oh wow, 3 pages of responses. :blushing:

Thanks for posting all your comments and I will be reading through them tonight. Goodness, I didn't expect 3 pages. Thanks everyone!

PghPensFan69

Definitely take into consideration how your husband feels about the issue. Inlaw conflict and cause a lot of tension in a marriage if you let it.

Lyadeia

Facebook guru here:

click on the individual picture it will come up with custom, that will bring up make this visible and you can put in individual people or groups. Below that it states make not visible or exclude and type her name here. She will no longer see the picture but everyone else can. Hope that helps if you go that route. Good luck I have a feeling this could get ugly between your MIL and FIL.

Sounds like a plan. Untag her and then do this to the total of 4 measly pictures out of a couple hundred that she had to hunt and search for to be offended on a random day in February 3 years after the fact. That way she thinks they are gone...and thinks she got her way...but the rest of the world who doesn't actually care about the fact that this guy is in the pictures doing nothing wrong other than being there, will get to see him and move on with life because he's not even the focal point of ANY of those 4 pictures. :flowerforyou:

Lyadeia

My husband honestly doesn't care one way or the other about the issue. He said that he would leave it up to me and that it doesn't bother him at all. He did mention that he thought his mom was being stupid and childish...

So, yeah, I'll just untag her and make the custom changes to those pictures like I mentioned before and she won't know the difference.

Lyadeia

And I was going to quote someone else who was talking about where to draw the line and how it would be forever and ever like without ever being able to send cards or say hi in the mall... (but I couldn't find the post and didn't want to read through the 3 pages again)

I was going to quote that because she kind of IS doing crap like that with my sister-in-law already. She just got married between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, and my MIL was all upset that he was invited to that wedding at all. She has also gotten mad lately that my sister-in-law calls him just to talk. No, they are not blood related, but after being in each other's lives for 7 years they got a little close. You know, step dad and step-daughters do that every now and then, I guess.

And someone else was talking about CONTROL. I personally think that's a *huge* issue in this woman's life. I suppose this is just one instance where she is trying to exact control over something and someone else that she really has no business even attempting to do so. I think that little "C" word might have something to do with her failed marriages? Hmmm.

I still have a good relationship with her, but I will not be controlled by anyone. I just didn't know if 4 measly little pictures that mean nothing to no one other than they are part of my wedding album should make any difference at all. But with FB allowing you to edit who sees individual pictures, I guess it makes it a lot easier.

Thanks for all the advice everyone! :flowerforyou:

arrseegee

I'd remove the tags of her and if there are photos of just her and her husband remove those. I don't think you need to remove every single photo though. You could also block her from seeing that album so that she isn't tempted to go in there and see them (also means she can't complain you didn't take them all down).

Fivepts

Probably this comes from my years of having unflattering pictures of me passed around my family but I have a personal conviction that if someone doesn't like a picture of themselves then they have a right to destroy, delete or edit it. I think most of us have so many pictures of our love ones that a few deleted ones won't matter. That said if the pictures have other people in them then the objecting party doesn't have that option. If anyone objects to any picture I put on facebook of them alone for any reason, I remove it. So, I'd remove the picture of just she and her ex and make the others with her in them where she can't view them. Sometimes, I think that our pictures become more precious to us than our friends and family. On the other hand, your MIL may be just looking for a war with you and that's another discussion.

Fivepts

Definitely take into consideration how your husband feels about the issue. Inlaw conflict and cause a lot of tension in a marriage if you let it.

And if you don't address it quickly.

DavPul

And I was going to quote someone else who was talking about where to draw the line and how it would be forever and ever like without ever being able to send cards or say hi in the mall... (but I couldn't find the post and didn't want to read through the 3 pages again)

I was going to quote that because she kind of IS doing crap like that with my sister-in-law already. She just got married between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, and my MIL was all upset that he was invited to that wedding at all. She has also gotten mad lately that my sister-in-law calls him just to talk. No, they are not blood related, but after being in each other's lives for 7 years they got a little close. You know, step dad and step-daughters do that every now and then, I guess.

And someone else was talking about CONTROL. I personally think that's a *huge* issue in this woman's life. I suppose this is just one instance where she is trying to exact control over something and someone else that she really has no business even attempting to do so. I think that little "C" word might have something to do with her failed marriages? Hmmm.

I still have a good relationship with her, but I will not be controlled by anyone. I just didn't know if 4 measly little pictures that mean nothing to no one other than they are part of my wedding album should make any difference at all. But with FB allowing you to edit who sees individual pictures, I guess it makes it a lot easier.

Thanks for all the advice everyone! :flowerforyou:

Whoever it was that said that stuff sounds like a pretty smart guy. Probably handsome too, judging by those comments.