Anyone else's parents ignorant and sabotaging in dieting?

catfive1

Hi! I want to start by saying the following comes from someone who lived with abuse for way longer than she should have and this is everything I wish someone would have said to me:

Another poster mentioned that people who grow up in environments such as yours tend to go to one extreme or the other. This is totally true and it's really important that you talk to someone to ensure this doesn't happen to you.

There may be a bit of two issues going on here - one is just plain cultural differences where your family only knows how to show you love by feeding you. You rebel and don't eat enough, they push, you push on and on. Also, a lot of what you described is actual ABUSE. Not just crazy parents.

When you're right in the middle of the cycle of abuse the victim thinks "there is NO WAY out. I can't" and the perpetrators act like "There is NO WAY out. You can't" How many times have you heard of people tolerating because they believe there is no way out? It's a huge red flag and it's important that you know that this is part of the cycle. The moment when your brain shifts from "I CAN'T" to "I CAN" is freaking liberating let me tell ya. And most need a lot of help to get there. You've come really far by yourself, but every 19 year old needs help (everyone of any age needs help now and again) but most can get it at home - you can't and that's OK. Doesn't mean you can't get help - just means you have to look somewhere else. If you don't like the first counselor, keep pushing until you find one you do.

I think you agree with all of us when we say you have to get out. counseling will help you do this. Doesn't make sense right now, but please trust me - if you don't want to see someone for any of the other reasons posted, at least do it for this one. It will help you move out.

I'm guessing financial aid asks if living at home is an option and you say yes so they say too bad? It's their job to make sure they hold on to the purse strings and they're not qualified to judge the safety of your life at home. If this is true, you need to go a completely different route. Any one of the numbers listed will get you someone on the phone who can get you in touch with the right people to help you. 1. You can go to a shelter. Really - you CAN. I used to work at one and we had young women who abused by people other than their spouses all the time. They are there for people who feel like they have no where to go. Part of what they do is help step-by-step with the right funding for your situation, job help, and living arrangements. Along with the right counseling for you. 2. Talk to someone at social services. I'm not saying you have to live on welfare your whole life, I'm saying this type of school funding is through a different avenue and again they can hook you up with housing. Financial aid is for your average person looking for some aid to get to school. It totally sucks but you need to go ahead let "them" label your house as unsafe for your health so that they will help you get out.

This part is the most important:

You actually deserve to be healthy and happy. No really - you do. you have the RIGHT to live free of anger and resentment. You also have the RIGHT to live free of abuse - abuse from others and abuse from YOURSELF. You are smart and really CAN do this.

Doing what you're doing will get you more of what you're getting so go ahead and try a few things people have suggested here even if you're skeptical. You never know, right?

Add me and PM anytime,

Krispy

Krispy has some really good advice for you.

veganbaum

Did you really expect to post something like you did, and NOT get responses from people who are concerned about the situation? There are still good people out there who care about their "neighbors." Far too few of them, far too many who think "it's none of my business," but still some.

You are in an abusive situation. And even if you lost 85 pounds rather than 100, based on what you have said about yourself, you are still underweight. Maybe SOME of what your parents have said and done is out of concern, but the way they do it is also abusive. No one deserves to be called an "ugly anorexic *****." That kind of abuse wears you down.

And there were only maybe two posters who suggested moving out in a flippant way. Others suggested it, along with realistic suggestions of how to do so. It is NOT easy. But you also can't expect to change things for yourself with a negative attitude. You may be in a ****ty situation, but you can do everything you can to have a healthy mind, as much as is possible anyway if you stay in that situation. And doing everything YOU can to change YOUR mental state will go a long way to being able to survive your situation until you move out.

I am not a counselor, I am not a health professional, I am not a mental health professional. But, from what I do know, frankly, you seem like a "typical" domestic violence victim in some ways, though this is parent/child rather than partner abuse. This is not a criticism and not meant to offend you, it is just what I see. While many victims deny there's abuse, many recognize it, but give many excuses as to why they stay. And why they stay is very complex. You can't tell them to "leave" and expect they'll do it. They're not in the same frame of mind as someone who is not a victim. And, there are often very, very real economic reasons for why they stay, that may seem impossible to them to overcome. So, I realize telling you to move out, seek counseling, etc, is falling on deaf ears. But maybe someone will get through to you eventually if people just keep saying it to you.

Is there no public transportation in your city that would allow you to get to a job and to school without your dad's help?

You were provided with phone numbers, resources to reach out to. There are things you can do to try to find a way to get out of that house. Even reading books to try some self-help is something. Believe in the Christian God? Read self-help books of that genre. Read books on meditation. Read books about surviving abuse. Anything, any action to try to help yourself, is better than nothing. Those resources may be able to help you find counselors in your area that you can go to. They may be able to point you to local resources for finding jobs, for getting out of abusive situations, for setting up housing. But you're the only one who can make it happen.

kgeyser

The OP should be thankful for her parents.

Are you sh*tting me? They abuse her! How is that something to be thankful for? Did you even read the OP?:noway:

I think there's quite a bit being left out of the story. OP, again, please seek counseling. Even if it's calling a hotline and talking to someone by phone.

rowlandsw

I agree about finding the school counselor and she/he may even be able to get you some sort of aid to move out of the house and into the dorms. Your house isn't a healthy place to be right now. I wouldn't be grateful to them for much at this point if they're so out of touch with things.

AABru

To answer the question that the OP asked originally: Yes. Some of us have done quite well for ourselves coming from families where our parents had no clue about how to eat and thought that buttermilk was healthier for kids because kids "need fat," and that 178 pounds in FOURTH grade was normal because we were "big-boned." It happens. Do I hate them? No. Was it a learning experience for me--absolutely. I lost 80 pounds my freshman and sophomore year of college and was also called anorexic by family, but I still weighed 170 after losing that weight. I was never beaten for not finishing my food, but I did get it for breakfast the next day. Now I am finding that after 20 years, my parents are asking my advice because they are literally afraid for their health.

So that being said: The fact that your father has isolated you so much causes me much more concern than your weight at this point. I think that perhaps you could be spending the hours that you "do nothing in the city sitting in coffee shop" could be spent WORKING in said coffee shop or someplace nearby to start to save money. You are in a city with businesses and such. Find a bank. Open an account. Start saving. Talk to people and make friends. Ask questions. Use the time to work out on campus and talk to students. Volunteer to tutor on campus. I can think of a myriad of things you could be doing with that time to better yourself. I have a mental image of you sulking in Starbucks in the corner all day. It's time to lose your fear of growth and well...grow. You are 19...the world is your pond. Go swimming sister! I hope you are able to move forward...it is really scary to change. But change is the only true constant in life.

cutiepie9447

I can't understand why you aren't working for the 5 hours a day that you have free....wouldn't that be much more productive then sitting around feeling sorry for yourself? What "reason" would your dad have for you not to be working during these times? I fear this is a situation of a "rebelling teenager". When I was young and got pissed at my parents, I used to STRONGLY exaggerate things (mostly for attention) also. Maybe you did suffer from some type of abuse but when you turned 18 your parents could have kicked you out to the street. Legally doesn't matter if you have money or not they do not have to take care of you anymore. But they let you, their adult child, live with them rent free and provide you with food (although in your mind not healthy enough) without charging you for groceries. Your dad takes you to the train every morning so you can go to school. You are an adult now and they don't have to do any of that. It is a good thing, however that you are making an attempt to release some of your frustrations by ranting a little. Your parents may just be worried about the amount of weight you have lost. They may be frustrated at the countless excuses that you are making which is making you frustrated. Have you ever sat down with them and told them how you felt? (No need to post and excuse as to why you can't). Just take some time and carefully read through all these people responding that the post that you created wanting opinions and responses. Some of the answers here have been so heartfelt, genuine and very helpful if the situation is in fact as you say. I hope you can find what you are looking for in life...if nothing else, enjoy the lasagna then go for a long run during your 5 hour break the next day....

ETA

AlwaysInMotion

lol "just move out"
yeah I'll just go out on the street with my $0 and 0 friends and live my life like a hobo.
no offense, but thats a no-go. and i'm not that enthralled with the notion of living in a homeless shelter, I'd rather live here and deal with bull than live in a homeless shelter. but this forum was 'anyone else's parents ignorant and sabotaging in dieting?' not a place for people to say things like this and pretend its really 'that easy' to up and leave the only place i've ever known with no money and no job and absolutely no friends or external and extended family. i just wanted to know if other people's parents tried to sabotage their diets so i would feel like people understand my struggle.

Yeah. Make plans to move out. You're an adult now. You're gonna have to do it eventually - or what? Be dependent, miserable, and take care of dear ol' mom and dad 'til they die? You are not the first young person to grow up in an abusive family. And you are not the first to get out. You can either stay in your self-described hell-hole or start making plans and taking action (even baby steps are something). I moved out (roommate situation) with $500 in savings (from my craptastic PT min wage job) and a POS junker car I bought myself. And I worked and paid my own way through college. No help from dear ol' mom (dead) and dad (terminally ill, abusive, and buried in debt). If I can do it, I'm sure as hell you can. It comes down to how bad you really want your freedom.

craftywitch_63

You have a ton of anger, ad rightfully so, but carrying that around won't serve you in your mission to be healthy. My best advice...do two things. First, go straight to your financial aid office on Monday. Being the beginning of the year, at the very least you can apply for financial aid for next year to get you into a dorm. If your family is financially challenged, believe me when I say you WILL get aid, even if it is in the form of loans, which you can pay off. Do NOT wait on that step. The financial aid staff are experts at walking you through, and sometimes even have school-based grant money available to help.

Second, find out if your school has a counseling office. Go see someone to talk through this who can help you know all the ways your upbringing has affected you, and how you can move forward.

The fact that you don't want to share your weight concerns me a little. I am not saying your parents are right about you having an ED. I don't know you at all, and they sound...well...fun. But get some expert unbiased feedback about your weight goals as well.

Good luck to you. You are worth all of the things you are doing for yourself.

^^^^This. In your post you've admitted that your parents physically and emotionally abused you as a child and continue to do that as an adult. Get financial aid, get some counseling and GET OUT of that situation! If you have younger siblings, please PLEASE call child protective services. No child needs to be clocked in the head for not stuffing themselves full of food. Or for any reason, for that matter.

In the end you are an adult and you have two choices: (a) get out and get physically, mentally and emotionally healthy, (b) stay there, quit making excuses, nut up, shut up and take it. After all, it's what you know so it's comfortable. Change is hard.

For those of you about to call me a hater, it's not hate it's

Serah87

The OP should be thankful for her parents.

Are you sh*tting me? They abuse her! How is that something to be thankful for? Did you even read the OP?:noway:

Remember, we are only hearing one side of the story.

lesteidel

Begin independent of your parents is a bit like being healthy. When you want it bad enough, you figure out a way.

Honestly, if your mom made a soup of only veggies, sounds like she was trying to help. Maybe instead of calling her dumb, you help her understand what you are talking about.

But I think she has a point though,me calories in vegetables is low enough I wouldn't worry about it, honestly. At your age, eating healthy foods should be more of a focus than counting every calorie. Teenagers need a lot of food, and can burn off energy quickly. Vegetable soup will not add a significant enough amount of calories to your day to make a huge fuss and call your mom dumb.

If they are telling you that foods are calorie free, they are trying to help in their own way. Try callming down and talking to them calmly, without assuming that they are dumb, what you are trying to do.

radical_days

oh my god my mom does this!

i tell her i'm going on my health binge and next thing i know its chips and ice cream out the *kitten* at the house! hahah

lesteidel

By the time I was nineteen I had been living on my own for a few years already. When you want to leave, you will figure out a way to get a job and save up the money to get somewhere to live. Until then, it's their house and you are an adult in their house. If you are that unhappy, WALK to work. I walked three miles to work and three miles home to save up money to move out, if you WANT to do it, you will find a way.

SJ46

I grew up in an abusive environment. After turning 18 I was still isolated and controlled by my parents. I understand what hopelessness and fear feels like. My escape was joining the military, literally I just left home and went to MEPS without telling anyone until after I left. I then stayed with a friend for two weeks prior to leaving for bootcamp. It was extreme but my home life was extreme and it was the only way I saw out of it. It was the best decision I ever made and I credit that move for the wonderful life I have now. I have no doubt that my life would be drastically different otherwise.

OP - use the time you have while you are waiting for your dad to formulate some options that will help you to get out of this situation. Gather up some strength and start living your life.

BTW - when my parents found out I left for MEPS they called the police, reported me as a runaway, and expected them to bring me home. I was 18. Seriously.

KeRAWRi

You have a ton of anger, ad rightfully so, but carrying that around won't serve you in your mission to be healthy. My best advice...do two things. First, go straight to your financial aid office on Monday. Being the beginning of the year, at the very least you can apply for financial aid for next year to get you into a dorm. If your family is financially challenged, believe me when I say you WILL get aid, even if it is in the form of loans, which you can pay off. Do NOT wait on that step. The financial aid staff are experts at walking you through, and sometimes even have school-based grant money available to help.

Second, find out if your school has a counseling office. Go see someone to talk through this who can help you know all the ways your upbringing has affected you, and how you can move forward.

The fact that you don't want to share your weight concerns me a little. I am not saying your parents are right about you having an ED. I don't know you at all, and they sound...well...fun. But get some expert unbiased feedback about your weight goals as well.

Good luck to you. You are worth all of the things you are doing for yourself.

Commander_Keen

Wholy crap that was way to long for me, to read..
but lets go over a few thing.. I believe that both your parents are typical parents, coming from their time frame. I would guess hundred of kids ate the same way, as you, but you gained the weight while others did not.
When you were 10 years old and you saw that you were bigger then everybody else, what activities did you participate in?

[/quote] My Dad is a first-generation American. He was raised in an Italian family and has NO CONCEPT of calories, salt limits, actually ANYTHING related to nutrition. He doesn't know what carbs are, thought that 'artificial sweeteners' meant something had no sugar in it, and tried to make a case to me that because honey is not 'artificially sweetened' it had not only 'no sugar' but also 'no calories.' He doesn't believe in the TDEE and has no clue what a BMI means. He thinks that his BMI is obese because he is an 'athlete.' Yeah, an athlete who is on heart medication for his high cholesterol, has had 10 kidney stones, and a beer belly. Yeah. Athlete. Sure. [/quote]
Not everybody knows what BMI or TDEE is, but that doesn't have any bearings on weight loss

My mom once made a soup she declared had 'no calories' in it cause it was "All vegetables, and veggies don't have calories. Duh

Well lets talk to about this, Just pure Chicken broth, as 10 calories per serving and for veggies you would need 2/3 of a cup for it be 100 calories. Although its 100 calories its not going to break the bank, which means even if you were to eat at your BMI and then have a cup of soup w/veggies, you would not gain weight.

I think you need to get a grip and do something about your weight issue.

craftywitch_63

I grew up in an abusive environment. After turning 18 I was still isolated and controlled by my parents. I understand what hopelessness and fear feels like. My escape was joining the military, literally I just left home and went to MEPS without telling anyone until after I left. I then stayed with a friend for two weeks prior to leaving for bootcamp. It was extreme but my home life was extreme and it was the only way I saw out of it. It was the best decision I ever made and I credit that move for the wonderful life I have now. I have no doubt that my life would be drastically different otherwise.

OP - use the time you have while you are waiting for your dad to formulate some options that will help you to get out of this situation. Gather up some strength and start living your life.

BTW - when my parents found out I left for MEPS they called the police, reported me as a runaway, and expected them to bring me home. I was 18. Seriously.

Seriously awesome advice, SJ46!! Free housing, medical, dental, fitness training, a paycheck and $$ for education! Plus, OP would get to see the world (not everyone goes to Baghdad!) I was an Army wife for 20 years. This will give OP a "break" from her parents and possibly some distance.

melissamarah

I was not raised in an abusive home. I have completely crazy, but loving parents.

But my mom grew up in an abusive environment. Her parents were abusive alcoholics, and my grandmother would try and get my mom and aunt to drink with her when they were underage. She would also push food on them, but the alcohol was a much bigger problem.

My mom moved out as soon as she was 18, and had horrible guilt since her sister's a year younger and had to stay behind. Honestly, my aunt just doesn't talk about what happened that year. My mom joined a sorority, and lived in the sorority house. Eventually she ran out of money, since her class schedule made it near impossible to have a job. So she lived in her car for a while. Then she moved in with one of her teachers. She couch hopped.

She was still in contact with her parents until I was two years old. Apparently (I luckily have no memory) my grandmother got drunk and angry, and wanted to take me swimming late at night. I guess she tried to rip me out of my mom's arms and I started to cry. My mom and I got on a red-eye flight home, and I never saw my grandmother again, until she was on her deathbed.

I guess what I'm saying is my mom, aunt and uncle all left the house as soon as they turned 18. They got crappy apartments, they lived in cars, my uncle enlisted and went to VIETNAM instead of staying there.

Oh, and you mentioned hanging out at Starbucks. I worked for the 'Bucks for over 2 years. I had insurance, 401K, and a flexible schedule. And if you've got your own bank account, they can do direct deposit. Your parents wouldn't have to know. You could stockpile a bit of money, and then slowly look for a tiny place in the city. Oh, and I met my husband there.

Just out of curiosity, where do you live?

LKArgh

I grew up in an abusive home and the answer is the one you do not like, sorry: Leave. Distance yourself emotionally until you can, make a plan and leave. If you are being abused, leave. You will not talk and change your parents, you will not teach your father that hitting or being irrational and controlling are wrong, just going to drive yourself crazy. And first find someone to talk to. Google hotlines for abused children, abused women, mentally ill people and start making calls, worst case, you have wasted a few minutes of your life.

RissyChris

I grew up in an abusive environment. After turning 18 I was still isolated and controlled by my parents. I understand what hopelessness and fear feels like. My escape was joining the military, literally I just left home and went to MEPS without telling anyone until after I left. I then stayed with a friend for two weeks prior to leaving for bootcamp. It was extreme but my home life was extreme and it was the only way I saw out of it. It was the best decision I ever made and I credit that move for the wonderful life I have now. I have no doubt that my life would be drastically different otherwise.

OP - use the time you have while you are waiting for your dad to formulate some options that will help you to get out of this situation. Gather up some strength and start living your life.

BTW - when my parents found out I left for MEPS they called the police, reported me as a runaway, and expected them to bring me home. I was 18. Seriously.

Seriously awesome advice, SJ46!! Free housing, medical, dental, fitness training, a paycheck and $$ for education! Plus, OP would get to see the world (not everyone goes to Baghdad!) I was an Army wife for 20 years. This will give OP a "break" from her parents and possibly some distance.

That might be great for you but I'm not gonna join the army to escape my parents, it seems irrational when there are other options.

RissyChris

I grew up in an abusive environment. After turning 18 I was still isolated and controlled by my parents. I understand what hopelessness and fear feels like. My escape was joining the military, literally I just left home and went to MEPS without telling anyone until after I left. I then stayed with a friend for two weeks prior to leaving for bootcamp. It was extreme but my home life was extreme and it was the only way I saw out of it. It was the best decision I ever made and I credit that move for the wonderful life I have now. I have no doubt that my life would be drastically different otherwise.

OP - use the time you have while you are waiting for your dad to formulate some options that will help you to get out of this situation. Gather up some strength and start living your life.

BTW - when my parents found out I left for MEPS they called the police, reported me as a runaway, and expected them to bring me home. I was 18. Seriously.

Seriously awesome advice, SJ46!! Free housing, medical, dental, fitness training, a paycheck and $$ for education! Plus, OP would get to see the world (not everyone goes to Baghdad!) I was an Army wife for 20 years. This will give OP a "break" from her parents and possibly some distance.

That might be great for you but I'm not gonna join the army to escape my parents, it seems irrational when there are other options.

in other words I would rather follow my dreams than do something that is completely not interesting (no offense I'm just not into it) and potentially dangerous to me