A question for people who've lost 150lbs+

JaniePapageorgio

The reason I'm asking is that I'm in the process of losing 211lbs. That's a lot of weight. I have always been fat, ever since childhood. I'm used to people staring, making rude comments, shouting things from their cars, etc. It's normal.

I HATE that this is true. We live in a hypocritical society; these kinds of behaviors are DIS-EMPOWERING and do nothing to help motivate you or anyone else to lose weight. It's a vicious cultural cycle.

I hope the best for you and hope you have the courage to discover a healthier, happier you and reap all the benefits of the journey and the results.

Anyway, I've been about 100lbs overweight most of my life, and while I don't have the same experience as you exactly, I do remember spending most of my life thinking my weight was something that was so deeply a part of my personality that I couldn't possibly lose weight. I felt like I'd be a different person if I just changed my relationship with food. It's just not true.

JaniePapageorgio

I hear you!!! I have no idea who is inside me .... but I want to meet her. My theory is that she's worth knowing

Awesome. Exactly this.

chesnity3

I know exactly how you feel. Even growing up my family made excuses for me on why I was an overweight teen. So I never been that skinny person, and yes, it's scary changing the way you've been majority of your life but, it's totally worth it. For me, it was becoming a mother and knowing that I needed to be healthier for my kids, which helped with those what if fears I had I'm the back of my head. As time passed and the weight started dropping, my confidence started to blossom, and now I feel like I can take over the world on most days. Even with 70 more pounds to lose. I hope whenever you start to see the results of being healthy that you'll feel better as a person, and that no matter what happens in your life you know that you've gave your all and it had nothing to do with you as a whole. You're awesome!

dania201

I totally get it. I'm not trying to lose weight to "become" a skinny person (although that would have its advantages!), but more because I'd like to regain some mobility and be able to walk, etc. I don't think I "need" to re-identify as thin. Besides, I've gained so much weight I doubt I'd ever get back down there anyway lol

StarFall90

On one hand I am scared. At 14 I weighed 250 pounds. As a kid in elementary school I was always the biggest in class. I have no idea what being thin is like. It's daunting. But I am also excited. I want to be thin, I want to know what my fat face is hiding, I want to walk into a store and not be judged, I want to stop hiding every time someone brings out a camera. The pros completely out weigh the cons. I am ready to see how differently the world will treat me.

favoritenut

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LindseyDD

I lost 120 pounds between 2011 -2013 and then promptly got pregnant. I LOVED finally being thin, I loved the attention, the clothes, the sense of pride that I carried around knows that I was finally a fit and healthy person. Gaining weight while pregnant was hard, it was hard seeing the scale go in the opposite direction and I struggled a lot to remember that I needed to gain weight for my child. Now almost 11 months later I am struggling to lose the weight once again (I only gained 45) but it has been tough. I totally understand everything you discussed in your post, but I promise it is worth it and so much fun. You will be surprised how fast you learn to be a thin person. I never met goal before I got pregnant and I am excited to finally finish what I started, I still have over 50 pounds to go but I know it is worth it. You have already done the hardest part and that is making a change and sticking to this new lifestyle!!

jmapes9

I'd like an invite to that group, as well.

I also have a story to share about this topic, but no time to write what I have to say. I'll be back later!

mjterp

Just to let ya'll know...I have been dealing with edentity theft garbage (payroll dept at work got hacked.Joy) and due to all of the emotional upset, I have been having a SERIOUS case of hand to mouth disease! Because I have read this, I am DETERMINED that TODAY I can give up those cookies I was going to grab and instead take out my frustration on the treadmill. My tastebuds want the cookies. Easy to eat in the car on the way home...But...I really want to fit into ALL the rides at six flags this year. I WANT to do the zipline with my girlscout friends this year. I WANT to not be embarrassed to be the fatty in the family pictures (I typically avoid them at all cost, or hide behind kids) I want to learn to ride a unicycle. Whoever said make a list of things you want to do...BRILLIANT. I'm going to do that.

and I'm going to start today.

and I'd like to join the group. Because I totally get using the fat as a shield thing...and I totally get not seeing myself as fit....

THIS TOPIC ROCKS!!!! and I LOVE how supportive everyone is in this thread!!!! WOW!!!!

lighteningjeanne855

When I was 21, I lost about 60 pounds to a 'normal weight' of 137.
I had an ulterior motive for losing weight, but the desired outcome was not forthcoming. :ohwell:
I received attention from fellow classmates who wouldn't "give me the time of day"
when I was chunky, and it made me angry! :mad: I thought huffily,
"I am the same wonderful person at either weight!"
That anger led me to eat emotionally, and I also ate because I was not happy
about the difficulties of being heavier so 35 years later, I am 130 pounds heavier.

I presently have contention with relatives and former colleagues,
and it has made me think,
"Well, WHAT will be your problem with me, when I'm not fat any more? :huh:
I will NOT have forgotten how you mistreated me!": angry:

However, as a Christian, I will need to forgive them.
(I'd better start praying for that, now!) :blushing:

My solution to the upcoming social awkwardness is to move
to an altogether different part of the country, with my fiancé.:bigsmile:

But seriously, OP!
In addition to the wonderful, sympathetic folks on this forum,
DO go get some counseling about the worries you're having
about successfully becoming a thinner person.

Best Wishes to EVERYONE!:drinker:

1yoyoKAT

It's actually very cool to just be "normal" and not stick out. The hiding I did when i was heavier was hiding from myself. Now I feel more free both physically and emotionally. It's easier to accept myself the way I am, because there's no more insulation or excuses. If I don't like something, it's up to me to change it... and that's very empowering. I feel free!

The great thing about having been very heavy is that we can better appreciate the everyday things that others take for granted. Stuff like tying shoes, walking without huffing and puffing, fitting into restaurant booths, no looks of dread from potential seatmates on airplanes, clothes fitting... I could go on and on.

Don't be afraid... it's all about enjoying the journey and all the things you'll discover about yourself and how you fit into the world and it's a great trip! :flowerforyou:

muzichick

jmapes9 and mjterp, I have added you to the group.

If anyone else wants to join, please send me a message, and I will invite you; I don't want to miss anyone because I didn't see their post on this thread

Quasita

I actually wrote a blog about this a while back... You made me think of it, so I tracked down the link...

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/Quasita/view/admissions-i-feel-like-this-is-making-me-ugly-241040

You're definitely not alone in questioning this change and how it will affect how you see yourself. I worry about it a lot sometimes... especially when I'm in a relationship with someone that has fallen for me as fat. You just have to remember, it's a worthy fight.

I'm 100% open to joining a group and such, if people want me. I started at 485 and I'm going for 215. I write on forums and blogs a lot... You may have seen my 50lbs down underwear post haha We all deserved to celebrate, eh?

jos3php

I can say this, not because of me but because of my ex-wife. She gained around 150 pounds while we were married and she was not skinny to start with. We were happy, I did not care how much she weighed... And then she had gastric by-pass surgery and lost 100+ pounds. She did not feel any better about herself, probably worse, and nothing I did helped. She then had everything she could have pierced pierced and got tattoos all over her body and began to flirt with other men and crave the self worth she thought she would gain by losing the weight. I eventually left because I could no longer take her attention whoring and now she is a hot wreck. I say all of that to say this. If you are ok with who you are and want to lose weight, good. If you think losing weight will make you become a different person, it will, but you will end up not liking that person in the long run. You need to love you more than you hate the weight.

40DayFit

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brookielaw

So the THOUGHT of losing weight didn't scare me when I started. The process did, in the sense that I knew it was going to take a LONG time to happen and honestly just couldn't imagine life as a thin person. I have always been the fat one--the fat sibling, the fat cousin, the fat grandkid, the fat friend. I don't think I gave much thought to losing my identity as the funny fat girl or the nice fat girl / everybody's buddy because I figured the personality stuff is at the core of who I am.

What scared me, and still does, is the thought of losing all that weight and then gaining it back. It's happened before. I've never lost this much but I've also never kept any substantial amount of weight off. Every time I've lost weight before it's been for a special event of some sort and now it's just about living a better life.

I have noticed that since losing (I'm nowhere near done btw- I'm pretty much in the boat you started in) people do treat me a bit differently. I think the biggest one I notice is that folks are friendlier at the front desks at the gym(s). Maybe it's because they're used to seeing me now, I don't know. I also know that when I look in the mirror I still see the old me. I see the pictures on my walls and I think I still look like that. The fact remains that I don't. I am literally half the size I used to be but I can't see that yet. Bluntly put I think that's going to take some therapy to conquer. I'm just beginning to reach out now. I don't think it's something to be ashamed of, I've lost the equivalent of a human being FFS!

I think the hardest adjustment I'm dealing with now is the scary looming transition from plus-sized to regular sizes. I still cannot fathom going into a regular store and being able to find anything that fits. I've always shopped in the fat lady stores (Lame Bryant, Catherine's, Avenue) and at one point even struggled to get into the deep end of LB. Now I'm wearing the smallest size those stores have and I don't know what to do with myself because I've NEVER shopped in regular stores. I mean, even as a kid I remember wearing 6X toughskin jeans.

All that being said, I am enjoying the heck out of the health benefits. I feel better. I move better. I can do things that I have always dreamed of. I rappelled down an office building, because I could. I am training for my first triathlon, because I can. If I want to go skydiving (which has always been on my "to do" list), I will--because now that I've lost 164 lbs, I can. Those exciting realizations do balance out the scary stuff. Life is a roller coaster sometimes. I look forward to realizing I can get on the rides just fine.

Oh, and I'd love to join the group.

MariaChele85

eh I am probably NOT the person to respond to this, as I haven't lost over 150 lb, I'm still in the obese category around 192 lb and have not had exactly the same type of issues as you describe. But I have kind of lost a whole person (114 lb lost since 2008).

I do kind of understand about insulating/protecting yourself with the weight. One major thing I've realized is that people pitied me a lot when I was heavier. I ranged between 260-307 at 5'8" for most of my adult life and was already over 200 lb in my teens, and I think I had a lot of girls & women who were super nice to me partly because I was soooo non-threatening to their competitive sides. For example, I had some half-a** friends through the years who clearly liked being the "skinny friend" and I was generally cute enough to not turn all the guys away in a club, but not thin or attractive enough to give them any competition. Harsh, but totally true. I also believe 100% that I was, in more than a few situations, treated differently on the job due to my size...but in a way that is kind of unexpected. I think less was expected of me because of my size. I think that I came across as such a people pleaser and was seen as that "sweet, fat lady" and therefore they didn't really expect me to be smart, strong, or have a lot of energy. I am all of those things. I started my current job wearing a size 18 which in my Midwestern town is pretty average, not that big for this area, and I can tell that they just expected more of me automatically - mentally and physically - then when I was much bigger. It was a bit weird, but I have come to get used to it. Also, even though I'm still just a 37 yr old spaz I get "checked out" all of the time by women...I don't mean lesbians (although that does happen and I am flattered) I mean women sizing me up, my body, my outfit, etc. It feels weird. I am not used to it!

Anyway. I do think it's awesome that you're already thinking about all of this stuff. There are so many people out there who are at a high weight and believe that all of their problems and insecurities will vanish and their lives will be perfect if they get to a "normal" or "healthy" weight. You are already ahead of the game in addressing these things.

If counseling is an option for you, I'd definitely recommend giving that a shot. Now OR later (or both)! I know in some situations it can be difficult and/or expensive to obtain. I've had counseling in the past couple of years and while it wasn't for weight-related reasons, usually all of a person's "issues" kinda mesh together and it can really help you out.

Good luck to you!!

SO AGREE! Iv'e lost close to 100 and I feel/notice how people see me as a threat now. I was once the fat, unfit kid that everyone was friends with. Now I am an issue. I am fit, I am a runner, I look a lot more sexier (handsome, whatever), and I am very driven to do things. This all happened in 2 years. IN those years I just passed up friends and family that are doing nothing with their lives. Now they realize how lazy they are and hate me for it.

You will go through many trial and tribulations in this process, guaranteed. As far as the massive weight loss, if you do it the right way, and lose the weight appropriately over several years, your mind will have time to keep up with your body's changes. It's the people that lose too much too quickly that one day snap, because they don't know who is in the mirror and they spiral out of control with self identity and revert back to old habits.

Great topic. Good luck in all your endeavors!

Agree with both of you! I have the same feelings! Good Luck to us all!

Iwishyouwell

I haven't lost a 150+ pounds, "just" about 130lbs, but my goal weight will take me into the 150+ territory.

Did the thought of losing weight scare you in any way? Not necessarily the process, though I know it's tough. But the thought of no longer being the "fat guy" in a group of friends or the "big girl" at work, that kind of thing? Did you ever wonder what the slim you would look like?

I had fears, but this wasn't one of them. Like you, I was fat since childhood, since around age 5 or 6. I didn't realize I was fat though until the 5th or 6th grade. But while I was really blessed to not have faced a life of bullying for my weight, it always felt really, really wrong. Like some big mistake had been made. I HATED being fat from age 11 on. So, despite my size, I never conformed to the fat. I was defined my my hatred for the fat, my hatred for how the fat made me feel, the struggle against the fat, but I never adapted the "fat guy" persona. To me that felt like the final failure, to see myself as that guy, so I fought tooth and nail against it.

I don't know how to be slim. Or even just regular chunky.

The first time I lost weight, in my late teens, I didn't know how to be slim either. Even though I was so close to my goal, I couldn't' see it. My self esteem, my self image, was too damaged. I got to a "normal" weight, and actually got fit, but all I could see when looking in the mirror was the fat I still had left. I'd lost so much weight, yet my mind didn't change. I was still super self critical, super uncomfortable, and committed to not giving myself any credit until I was at my final goal weight. I sorta maintained for a few years, but I never got to my goal image. I let it all slip away for lack of understanding, for never truly embracing the journey and seeing just how close I was to my dreams. I regained all my weight, plus double. This was devastating because, before then, I didn't think it was possible that I, Mr. I-Hate-Being-Fat, could ever regain all the weight, and then some. I never understood how people could do that, but I sure do now.

But at the same time, being this size is a form of protection. I can blame things on my weight, instead of looking inwards at who I really am. And if I lose the weight, I lose that protection. If people don't like me, they don't like *me*. If men aren't attracted to me, they're not attracted to *me*. If I'm turned down for a job, it's because *I'm* not good enough.

Does that make sense?

Makes perfect sense. My fat, as much as I hated it, became my excuse. There was so, so, so damn much I did not do in my life because of the fat. Women I didn't approach, jobs I didn't pursue, activities, hobbies, I didn't take up, clothes I didn't wear, people I didn't run with, behavior I didn't exhibit, personality traits I didn't feature; obesity cost me a lot. But I could always blame it on the fat. Without that scapegoat, yes, you have to face yourself. There are no more excuses for not being who you truly are, living authentically, and dealing with the fact that you will be rejected for yourself, not just your fat self. The mask is off, the walls are down, and you are more vulnerable. You have to deal with your real self, and for some people that's more terrifying than staying in their fat persona and body.

I am currently in the same weight range I was in my late teens. I am a few weeks away from hitting my lowest adult weight, and my goal weight/size/bodyfat level/look are even leaner than that.

My mind is different though. This time I've celebrated the weight loss journey, giving myself credit for my gradual loss. I've looked at myself in the mirror A LOT, so I could see the changing of my body. I've taken before pictures, which I never did before. I'm celebrating the man I'm becoming, the man who was always crying out from inside. It's amazing how much I've changed, and continue to change.

Some people say losing weight didn't really change them that much. That's not me. It's changing me in extraordinary ways. But that's because I am in the place now, after so long, of really embracing myself , being proud of me, and digging the hell out of who I am and am becoming.

If you don't change your mind, it doesn't matter how much you change your body.

tecobird

Biggest thing as losing the weight does not change who YOU are, just the way you look. You will still be you but the new version of you will be MUCH more confident and have MUCH more energy. You wont be a "Skinny Person" or "Not the Fat Guy", you will be "The Healthy Person". To Me I don't care about who talks and who comments, live Your life the way YOU choose and don't let anyone tell you different. One thing for sure, you have made the right Choice, The Healthy choice!! I wish you all the best

glowgirl14

As others have said, it is a good idea to look into some counseling for this NOW, so you can work on the demons as you lose the weight. It sucks to get to the end, and realize you have issues.

I haven't lost "an extra person"...(maybe a very tiny one? ; ) but I do get what you're saying. At 120lbs, I feel fat. Or rather, I identify more with my "fat self" than my "thin self". I lost the bulk of my weight over two years ago, and the last sixteen-ish in the last few months. I still don't believe the pictures I see are me. Think it must be the camera angle that makes me look smaller. I don't like having my picture taken still, because I don't see that girl as myself. Right now, I weigh less and am smaller than I was in high school. But I don't feel small. Am always surprised when I really look at my jeans. Think, "There's no way I'm going to fit into those..." and they're loose. I tried on the single pair of fat pants I kept a couple of months ago...knowing how much bigger they were than my current ones. But I still thought - they'll be loose, but they'll fit. Nope. I can stand in one leg.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself as I am, but I see the girl that's 40-50lbs heavier. Still think of myself as the big girl at the party.

Where I'm weird is that I never thought of myself as fat when I was. I was skinny when I was a kid, and my gain was super fast - 15 lbs one year, and then 50lbs in 2 years without the excuse of pregnancy. Lost 50, and then gained 60 or so using pregnancy as an excuse. Kids were 4 and 6 before I woke up. I didn't use fat as an armor, but food as an armor. I was "only" 200lbs at the beginning of this journey, but when I am not careful, I pile on the pounds so quickly. So I only started realizing I was fat when I started losing...and yes. It was weird when I started getting second glances from guys. Started getting treated better. Because I never realized that my weight was an issue until it wasn't.

I remember the first weight loss, I was walking into a convenience store while my (now ex-)husband pumped gas. Someone whistled at me...I turned to roll my eyes at him, but it was not him. I wasn't flattered or annoyed...I thought they were making fun of me. It's hard to reconcile the changes.

So..all that to say - the emotional issues tied to our bodies are different and complex, and we absolutely have to deal with both sides of this.

My weight has come off in spurts this time...10-15lbs at a time. Slow, but I think that has helped me define each set of issues as they come up. Really learn who I am. What my issues with food are. What my issues with my body are. It has been a really hard thing to realize that I have absolutely zero self-esteem. The weight was not the problem. I wasn't one of those who got thin and gained all this confidence. I got thin and still don't feel worthwhile. I think if I'd realized this at the beginning, things would have been different along the way. Now, I am almost ashamed to admit that I'm proud of myself for being stronger. Proud of myself for being able to run. And those are baby steps. I still can't be proud of how I look, but am proud of what I can do.

If you can learn to love YOU now, and keep loving yourself throughout this process, you'll be fine.

dustie5454

I haven't lost a lot of weight and I'm considered Obese, but let me say one thing, I'm Canadian and not one person here has ever made any rude comments to me about my weight. No one has the right to be mean or rude to anyone no matter what the person's size is. I've never been turned down for a job because of my weight. I'm sure people do make comments about other people, but it's never to their face, that's just wrong. In fact, it's a form of bullying. No one is perfect and no one has the right to judge.

Keep smiling, and keep your head up and be proud of who you are.

muzichick

I haven't lost a lot of weight and I'm considered Obese, but let me say one thing, I'm Canadian and not one person here has ever made any rude comments to me about my weight. No one has the right to be mean or rude to anyone no matter what the person's size is. I've never been turned down for a job because of my weight. I'm sure people do make comments about other people, but it's never to their face, that's just wrong. In fact, it's a form of bullying. No one is perfect and no one has the right to judge.

Keep smiling, and keep your head up and be proud of who you are.

I have been turned down for jobs that I've been qualified for, that were likely because of my weight. And I sure as heck have had people yell out of passing cars at me, and I am Canadian.

I'm glad that you haven't experienced this stuff though

dania201

I can say this, not because of me but because of my ex-wife. She gained around 150 pounds while we were married and she was not skinny to start with. We were happy, I did not care how much she weighed... And then she had gastric by-pass surgery and lost 100+ pounds. She did not feel any better about herself, probably worse, and nothing I did helped. She then had everything she could have pierced pierced and got tattoos all over her body and began to flirt with other men and crave the self worth she thought she would gain by losing the weight. I eventually left because I could no longer take her attention whoring and now she is a hot wreck. I say all of that to say this. If you are ok with who you are and want to lose weight, good. If you think losing weight will make you become a different person, it will, but you will end up not liking that person in the long run. You need to love you more than you hate the weight.

Thank you for saying this.

culo97

I'm still near the beginning of my journey (3 months in) to loose 150+ pounds. The idea that I could be a normal weight and shop in non-plus size stores still seems like a far away fairy tale. Like others on this thread, I don't have an identity outside of "the big girl" or "the fat girl". I never had a slender or regular size part of life.

When I look at the current pictures of people who have lost over 100 pounds, it's hard for me to imagine they were ever in my shoes. But the pain that comes through their words is all too familiar.

Since it will take 2-3 years to lose the weight of another adult human being, I'm counting on the long time to adjust my mindset. I can't see myself turning from a hermit introvert to a social butterfly but who knows?

motofairy

I am feeling everything you're saying! Interesting to read the responses, too.

GoreWhore72

I get EXACTLY what you are saying. I lost 50 pounds, then worked through all those emotional issues for almost a year, before I could continue with my weight loss.

I was worried that who I was would change, or that I wouldn't be able to cope with the changes. So far, at about half way there, that hasn't been the case. The people around me are happy and excited for me, and for all the progress I have made. They have been nothing but supportive.

I've had a few comments from idiots (one person actually asked me, after I'd lost 50 pounds, how I was able to do my job at my size), but I finally feel like I am no longer the fattest person when I go places. I don't worry about fitting into chairs, or airplane seats.

I would definitely recommend some counselling about the issues that might be holding you back, wether they be low self esteem (me), or previous life traumas (me as well).

Feel free to add me as a friend, I am on MFP every day

I have been going through the emotional stuff too. I almost am fearful of what and who that person will be at another 49 pounds lost, because I just lost 51 pounds.
I am grateful, and love it, but woooaawwww..... a whole new person. A person everyone isn't used to at all. It should be interesting. I find my mind hasn't changed much as I still think I'm the 51 pounds heavier person, and sometimes see the greatness of it, but fail to completely change my mind set.
I do look forward to it, but wonder the difference in men and their views too because I've never had a hard time attracting men at my starting weight so, what will be different.
There's a lot to change with the mind too, that's for sure, and it's an emotional roller coaster of gratitude.
I feel deserving of it, but wonder if it really matters. Thank you for sharing.

christianladybug

I haven't lost a whole person yet. But, I get where you are coming from. Been the "fat" chick most of my life. Always was told that I had such a pretty face, but.....

I think on some level we all deal with the fear inside of us about the unknown. We don't know what the other side is and that can be intimidating. I just don't want you to ever think you are alone in that fear. You are not crazy for fearing the other side.

I can't tell you that I have come to terms with all my fear. But, I can tell you that friends, family and the people I have meet here on MFP help make each day a little easier. I have learned to ignore the negative that I hear because no one is on my journey but me.

Don't lose heart. We will all make it togather. That is the beauty of having a place like this to come to.

VictoriaDarleneGale

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AsaThorsWoman

What an interesting thread.

I've noticed that when you lose fat rolls, it releases deep-seeded emotions and can be an emotional struggle. A lot of emotions are stored in fat, so when you melt the fat, they release.

Also, for awhile I hated how nice people were to me. When I weighed 245 I was invisible. No one said, "Hi! Good morning!", or held the door, or flirted while I was busy at the grocer, men didn't stare, but OMG the way people treat you does a 180 when you lose weight!

I went from 140 to 212 back down to 117 back up to 245 and now I'm at 185.

I remember expecting people to hold door or be friendly and being shocked and hurt when they (especially men) just slammed doors in my face and didn't speak or make eye contact when I was huge.

Now that I'm back to a good looking size the men are being so nice again and I just get a bitter anger about it.

Whether it's concious or sub-concious, people are being nice to be because of the way I look. It's infuriating.

DebbieGo52

It looks like all of the people responding on here have lost weight, it doesn't matter how much, it is a loss. Our personalities are all different...fat or slim. Other people are always going to have something to say positive or negative. I have been obese for a very long time and have tried multiple times to lose the weight, for my 21st birthday, for my wedding, having children and none of those reasons were enough to get me to a healthier weight. Now I am doing for me and ONLY me, I am not going to let my emotions win again. I think about how I will feel when I have lost what my body lets me lose, I think about the loose skin, and the wrinkles. I also think about how much energy am I going to have (I feel like I have a lot even at this weight) when I am done, how good I will feel wearing regular size clothes, fitting into a airplane seat, fitting into a sports car etc.

What we have to do is build up our positive self talk and learn not to listen to those who don't have our best interests at heart...they aren't going to change!

Take your weight loss what ever it may be, and enjoy it. You will find new friends along the way, who will appreciate you for who you really are.