Overweight daughter
Replies
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I agree with just about everything that has been said. Leave her alone. She knows she needs to lose weight, but it won't happen until she decides for herself to do it.
I was a normal size until I gained a few pounds when I hit puberty. I felt like I was really fat, but looking back at pictures now I realize I wasn't. Maybe just 10 pounds overweight. However, my dad made several comments to me about it, (at the fragile age of 12) which then made me afraid to eat in front of him. So, I would always eat when he wasn't around. That way I would "win".
I've been overweight my whole life since then, and I realized that if he had just left me alone, I probably would have been fine. But, now at 37, I need to lose over 100 lbs, and I still feel self conscious eating around him.
(I don't harbor any bad feelings toward him. I realized that these comments were made during stressful times and he just didn't think about the effect things like that would have on a young girl with no self esteem)0 -
Then don't. She's a grown-up. yeah moms can give the whole motherly advice thing if it's asked for. Pushing her isn't going to help. She has to want it for herself.My daughter is 26,... it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this.0 -
Don't be a nag0
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She needs to be ready.., if she is not ready.. she's not ready..0
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I come from a family over weight women, we love our food. However, I had the wake up call to lose weight when I went to the doctor and was put on Blood Pressure medication. I'm trying to get the rest of my family on board with me and it's not always easy. All I can suggest is just wait. It has to come from her and she needs to make the decision. Just love her and let her know you're always there for her. And when she does decide to jump on board, be there. That's honestly all you can do!0
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The sad truth, she wont lose weight - and continue on it- unless she wants to. Simple as that. Everyone wants to push on a "diet". But diets fail. We need to change our lifestyle. Whoever thought eating Lucky Charms Cereal for breakfast was part of a "balanced breakfast" should be ashamed. Learning how to control our portions. What is "good fats" and what isn't. Getting in those fruits and vegetables. Learning to read labels. Its not about cutting out everything we love. It's learning how to control ourself. Maybe you need to sit down with her and have a real, actual talk. No "you're wayyyy overweight, go on a diet, now!" type talk. But really sit down, talk with her. Tell her it isn't "no more chocolate for you" but "hey you need to learn how to control yourself" Showing her protein can keep her fuller, longer. Take her to the Doctors, make her realize she DOES have a problem which can KILL HER. Some people need a wake up call. But like i said, she wont lose the weight unless she wants it.0
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leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this. Especially without hurting her feelings.
You're nagging her. If she wanted to change, she wouldn't need her mother harassing her across state lines about it. She is an adult. Leave her alone.0 -
Perhaps you should try to focus your concern on her being healthy as opposed to losing weight. I mean, not to sound harsh or anything but if someone was constantly telling me that I needed to lose weight it would break my heart. I think the best thing for you to do is have one final conversation and basically say listen, whether or not you want to lose weight is your prerogative however you need to find some healthier habits otherwise you are going to face obstacles like diabetes, depression, high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, heart problems, etc.
Focus on her HEALTH not her image. It may be the key to opening that door.
Actually, I disagree. My mother used to nag me to go exercise when I was a younger adult. "You should go walking, it'll make you healthy. Did you know that being overweight increases your risk of breast cancer and diabetes! I would hate for you to get those"
You know what it did? I didn't go to a doctor for about 8 years. "Well, I'm already fat, so I'm going to get diabetes. I might as well eat that hamburger because it's not going to make a difference and at least I'll be happy. The doctor will only tell me I have to lose weight too". It's CRUSHING when it feels like everyone around you is telling you that you need to lose weight. Like that's the only thing about me that people see.
My mom hasn't said a thing about my weight in about 4 years. And I'm FINALLY getting motivated to actually change. Not just diet, but actually CHANGE. She's had nothing to do with my decision. I've talked to her about things I'm finding out, and she's being supportive and even trying a few things with me. But seriously, it took about 4 years of not nagging and dropping (not so subtle) hints for me to feel comfortable talking to her about it again.0 -
leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.
nope, not harsh at all.
it doesnt take calling her a pig to make her feel like ****.
back off, shes 26. she'll handle it when shes ready.
continue to be the model of success for her though.0 -
Her losing weight is not up to you, it's up to her. She knows by now that you will be there to encourage her should she choose to change her lifestyle. Now leave her be. If she wants to lose the weight bad enough, she will. If she doesn't, then that's her prerogative. She's an adult - mommy doesn't make her decisions for her anymore.0
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She needs to want it herself. It sounds like you did everything you could. I would suggest not even mentioning anythying to her anymore. She might not be doing anything because you keep pushing her to lose weight. Or, she just isn't ready yet. All you can do is be there for when she is ready.0
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I have a 17 year old that is now experiencing weight issues. I do not mention it, I do not suggest. At most I will say "I'm taking my walk, want to come?" She never wants to come. But my weight loss is my journey - just as her body is her journey. I know it is hard as a Mom to just let go - especially when pressured by others who suggest "Why did you let this happen". She must find her own way and I'm sure she is beautiful and inspirational at any size.0
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I do feel for you, I struggle with the same issue with my own daughter. You want only the best for your children, and when you don't have the power to make things happen, it hurts. Saying nothing to her about her weight. If she brings it up, listen. She will have to do something about it when she is ready. Just try to be supportive in HER decisions. It is extremely hard, but will be best for both of you. JMO0
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sadly there is nothing you can do until she comes to you for help with it. Until she is ready to deal with it then it will be nothing but criticism on deaf ears. She will twist whatever you say in her head until it sounds like an insult. That's what i did until I was ready to drop the weight.0
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Leave her alone. Seriously. Leave. Her. Alone. You have undoubtedly already said and done things that have hurt or angered her so deeply that she will never forget them. Stop. Stop now.
Letting her find her own way is the only way for (1) you to keep a relationship with her and (2) for her to lose weight. Just STOP.
THIS.0 -
leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
:drinker: Exactly! Thank you for using the words that were escaping me.0 -
The sad truth, she wont lose weight - and continue on it- unless she wants to. Simple as that. Everyone wants to push on a "diet". But diets fail. We need to change our lifestyle. Whoever thought eating Lucky Charms Cereal for breakfast was part of a "balanced breakfast" should be ashamed. Learning how to control our portions. What is "good fats" and what isn't. Getting in those fruits and vegetables. Learning to read labels. Its not about cutting out everything we love. It's learning how to control ourself. Maybe you need to sit down with her and have a real, actual talk. No "you're wayyyy overweight, go on a diet, now!" type talk. But really sit down, talk with her. Tell her it isn't "no more chocolate for you" but "hey you need to learn how to control yourself" Showing her protein can keep her fuller, longer. Take her to the Doctors, make her realize she DOES have a problem which can KILL HER. Some people need a wake up call. But like i said, she wont lose the weight unless she wants it.
Why are you ragging on Lucky Charms? Sure, there are better choices, but you can make it work.
How are you going to trick an adult into going to the doctor anyway? She's fat, not an invalid.0 -
I have a 17 year old that is now experiencing weight issues. I do not mention it, I do not suggest. At most I will say "I'm taking my walk, want to come?" She never wants to come. But my weight loss is my journey - just as her body is her journey. I know it is hard as a Mom to just let go - especially when pressured by others who suggest "Why did you let this happen". She must find her own way and I'm sure she is beautiful and inspirational at any size.
That sounds wonderful. You give her the option, but you don't pressure her
That's all she needs. 0 -
I would want to hear nothing from my mother and honestly if my mom ever told me I needed to lose weight I'd flip out on her. As an adult woman I am allowed to do whatever I want with my own body. I have to make my own decisions and I have to be the one to find the strength to do this myself.
All you can do is be an example and nothing more.
ETA: Edited to try and not be as harsh, even though I want to. My mom and I are very close and I would not be ok with her saying anything to me about my body.0 -
My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".
I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.0 -
+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.0 -
I have always have had extra weight. I had my grandma on my mom's side tried to get me to lose weight when I was, maybe 10 or younger (I really don't remember what age I was). It didn't really click in my head what she was trying to do until I was in my 20s. To this day I hold it against her even tho she died a few years ago. It hurts to know that when I was that young she was trying to bully me into being smaller but at that age I didn't care about that.
My mom tried to put me on a diet when I was on high school. I read one meal plan and I knew it was a stupid plan. Then we got into a fight that my dad had to step in to stop. She kept trying me to go on this diet but she was a lot heavier then me. That's when I turned it on here since she always claimed that when she was my age she was a size 4. I asked her why she wasn't a size 4 anymore and why she wasn't trying to get to that size anymore. She stopped.
When I was in college she was saying how she was eating cake and drinking coke constently and still loseing weight. Which pissed me off to no end. Then she found out a few month later she had diebetes. Now there are no comment about what I eat except when I insist on vegetables to eat for dinner. The first round of weight watchers I endup loosing 65 lbs and my dad was very careful about what he said about it. I do have my mom's temper when provoked.0 -
Wow, way to go guys, let's ream the woman out for being worried about her daughter. Good job there are so many experts in here.
And for the people that are describing her as 'perfect' and 'fine just the way she is' Get a grip. She's very overweight, and at risk of all the health problems come along with that. You can't understand why the woman feels the need to address that with her daughter?
What do you think her doctor should do when she goes? Should her Doctor just let her be too? I'm sure she'll be a regular before long....high blood pressure, blocked arteries, coronary heart disease.
Well done MFP. Another win.0 -
I am overweight and my mother rarely was.
I did not resent her being frank about my weight. She was right. Just be kind about it (which I'm sure you are). It 'helped' that I had actual health problems that manifested from my obesity, problems which I could not deny. Just don't bring it up every single time you two speak (I'm assuming you don't).
Your support means a lot.0 -
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+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
Patronising, unhelpful and not true.0 -
My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".
I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.
Should she travel to another state, tie her daughter down, and force celery down her throat? No? Her daughter will change when/if she wants to. Being present to offer support (when it's asked of her!) is great! Constantly trying to force her to change will not work, and will not motivate her.0 -
Sorry to tell you this, but it has to come from her, or it will never work.
THIS!!!!!!!! She has to want to do it for herself and herself alone. Leave her until she's ready and asks for help or support.0 -
I feel really bad saying this, because I know you are well meaning, but you need to back off. Your daughter is a grown woman. And if she decides to take action and get into better shape, it will need to be HER decision. I know you are worried and are only looking out for her. But, if you keep pestering her about this, you may cause permanent damage to your relationship with her. And where will the positive be in that?
I also have a daughter who has some weight issues. But my daughter is not quite 13 years old. And even though she is still a minor child, I try my very best to not let it become an issue between us. I am doing all of the things I should be doing. Including leading by example. Encouraging healthy eating and exercise habits. But, when she had a melt down in a fitting room a week ago, because she was feeling badly about her body, I took the opportunity to encourage her to get it under control. I told her she was beautiful, smart and capable. And that if she wanted to begin to make healthy changes in her life, that I believe in her and I will support her any way I can.
My point is . . . even at 13, it still needs to be HER choice. Forcing your agenda, usually ends in epic failure. I know I certainly resist when folks take that approach with me. Be supportive if your daughter decides, but back off with the constantly bringing it up. It is quite possible that the unhealthy habits your daughter learned, were developed right in your own home. It's great that you decided to make positive changes in your life as a adult. Hopefully your daughter eventually will too.0
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