Overweight daughter
Replies
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My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".
I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.
She's 26 years old.
She doesn't need to be parented anymore.
She needs to grow the *kitten* up and deal with her own problems, which is hard to do if your mother is still babying and nagging you.
You, sir, are (as Archer would say) a stupid idiot
And you miss, are 18. Come back when you're old enough to have the slightest idea what it might be like to be a parent.0 -
+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
Patronising, unhelpful and not true.
Indeed. Mothers want their children to be healthy. Addressing weight from a health only perspective is the best approach, if it is to be done.0 -
Everyone makes their own decision to do this - you are ready when you are ready and not a moment sooner. By "getting on top of her" about this - you are likely putting her off because if she is afraid of failing you are adding pressure.0
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My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".
I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.
She's 26 years old.
She doesn't need to be parented anymore.
She needs to grow the *kitten* up and deal with her own problems, which is hard to do if your mother is still babying and nagging you.
You, sir, are (as Archer would say) a stupid idiot
And you miss, are 18. Come back when you're old enough to have the slightest idea what it might be like to be a parent.
This is coming from someone who has been overweight since they were 13.
And has experience with parents who reacted two different ways.
I'm pretty sure that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to how her daughter might feel about this.
Being a parent doesn't necessarily provide the know-how to address this situation, while having been an overweight child does.0 -
Perhaps you should try to focus your concern on her being healthy as opposed to losing weight. I mean, not to sound harsh or anything but if someone was constantly telling me that I needed to lose weight it would break my heart. I think the best thing for you to do is have one final conversation and basically say listen, whether or not you want to lose weight is your prerogative however you need to find some healthier habits otherwise you are going to face obstacles like diabetes, depression, high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, heart problems, etc.
Focus on her HEALTH not her image. It may be the key to opening that door.
Actually, I disagree. My mother used to nag me to go exercise when I was a younger adult. "You should go walking, it'll make you healthy. Did you know that being overweight increases your risk of breast cancer and diabetes! I would hate for you to get those"
You know what it did? I didn't go to a doctor for about 8 years. "Well, I'm already fat, so I'm going to get diabetes. I might as well eat that hamburger because it's not going to make a difference and at least I'll be happy. The doctor will only tell me I have to lose weight too". It's CRUSHING when it feels like everyone around you is telling you that you need to lose weight. Like that's the only thing about me that people see.
My mom hasn't said a thing about my weight in about 4 years. And I'm FINALLY getting motivated to actually change. Not just diet, but actually CHANGE. She's had nothing to do with my decision. I've talked to her about things I'm finding out, and she's being supportive and even trying a few things with me. But seriously, it took about 4 years of not nagging and dropping (not so subtle) hints for me to feel comfortable talking to her about it again.
I can totally see your side of it. For me I was (and am at the moment) overweight. Looking back I wish I people wouldn't have focused on my image and more of my health. Seeing family overweight with diabetes, with high blood pressure, etc propelled me to get the reins on my situation. It did crush me when people commented on my weight and it still bothers me which is why I like to and now tend to focus on the effect a healthier lifestyle has on your insides as opposed to the effect a healthier lifestyle takes on your image. Everyone is beautiful as long as they are kind. Thank you for your view of it, it is a very sensitive subject to breech.0 -
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Adding my voice to all the I others here. No matter how nice you think you're being when you talk to her about her weight, you're hurting her feelings. Your efforts might even backfire. This could really damage your relationship with her.
So just BACK OFF. Don't say another word about her weight, her health, weight loss tips or tools, or anything like that. And don't make a point if cooking lie fat meals or whatever when she visits. Just cook however you normally would.
Just focus on the positive. Love her, let her know you're proud of her, and focus on your own health.
When she's ready, she'll come around. Maybe she'll ask you questions then, but until she does, keep your mouth shut. And if she never asks you questions, remember, that's fine, too. Weight loss is intensely personal and may not be something she wants to share with you.
Also remember that while she is your daughter and you may be very close, she is an adult and there are probably many things about her that you don't know which might be playing a role in her weight.0 -
Granted, I am not a daughter, but as a severely up and down with my weight son, it was tough. I live in FL now, originally from MI, and used to hate going home for Thanksgiving because I didn't want to be judged. Then, out of the two times a year I see my parents, my mom would bring up her concerns. Here is the weird thing...I am grateful.
At the end of the day, there are objective truths. You are her mom. She is in an unhealthy situation. Your job is not to force her to do something, however, it is to make it clear (lovingly) that you are concerned about her health. It does not need to be a drawn out conversation, but it is good to let her know what is on your mind and heart. I think most of us on here have had a come-to-Jesus moment (or whatever you wanna call it) and have realized sometimes the truth sucks.
What finally broke through for me was the move from "fat" to "healthy" in the conversation. My mom wanted me to live a long time, she didn't want to bury me, she wanted me to see my grandkids. She was proud of the man I was, but afraid I wouldn't live to see my full potential. I am sure it is similar for you and your daughter. So, maybe it just starts with eating better, or walking further to the car (hell, my parents gave me 100 for every ten lbs so I could buy a new wardrobe) and see where it goes from there. Be loving, give her room, but don't be afraid to be a mom.0 -
very misleading username0
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Stop bothering her about it. It doesn't help, in fact you can believe it breaks her down and does allot more harm that good.
I am obese, my wife is obese. Her mother is always on her and brings her things like sugar substitutes and personal blenders and tells her "it's special for weight loss". My mother in law is about a dysfunctional as they come.
I have begun this journey. My wife has not, I have not said a word to her, I have not pressured her. I don't make her feel guilty about not joining me in weight loss. My wife has stated to me how proud she is of me, how much of a change she see's in me and I simply say thank you. Every now and then she joins me in the home gym I have put together. When she does I don't say a word, and after she is done.... I give her a smile and a high five as I continue on with my routine.
I know, She has to decide to make the life change, I can't make it for her and me putting pressure on her will only hurt her, hurt our marriage and drive a wedge between us.
Don't do that to your daughter0 -
leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.
You don't have to say the words, "You need to lose weight" to tell someone you think they need to lose weight. From your OP:
"I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to start this journey. When I was doing WW I actually got her to join. AND I am now trying to get her to join MFP. AND She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this. "
It seems as though you are doing all the work. Where is the part where she's coming to you and asking for your help? Where is the part where she is taking any accountability for her own life choices and her own actions?
Until she is ready, you can't do a thing for her. Let it go, let her come to you when you succeed. Don't flaunt any success you have, don't tell her that she can do it too, don't say anything. Let her discover your success, decide she wants it for herself, then let her come to you on her own.0 -
Wow, way to go guys, let's ream the woman out for being worried about her daughter. Good job there are so many experts in here.
And for the people that are describing her as 'perfect' and 'fine just the way she is' Get a grip. She's very overweight, and at risk of all the health problems come along with that. You can't understand why the woman feels the need to address that with her daughter?
What do you think her doctor should do when she goes? Should her Doctor just let her be too? I'm sure she'll be a regular before long....high blood pressure, blocked arteries, coronary heart disease.
Well done MFP. Another win.
You're commenting an awful lot without any helpful suggestions.
Everyone I've ever known who lost weight has done it when they decided to. Everyone I know who needs to lose weight has been encouraged by their family to be healthier, but it hasn't gotten them to actually do anything about it. Loving the people who matter to you and being there if they want help is really all any of us can do.0 -
Granted, I am not a daughter, but as a severely up and down with my weight son, it was tough. I live in FL now, originally from MI, and used to hate going home for Thanksgiving because I didn't want to be judged. Then, out of the two times a year I see my parents, my mom would bring up her concerns. Here is the weird thing...I am grateful.
At the end of the day, there are objective truths. You are her mom. She is in an unhealthy situation. Your job is not to force her to do something, however, it is to make it clear (lovingly) that you are concerned about her health. It does not need to be a drawn out conversation, but it is good to let her know what is on your mind and heart. I think most of us on here have had a come-to-Jesus moment (or whatever you wanna call it) and have realized sometimes the truth sucks.
What finally broke through for me was the move from "fat" to "healthy" in the conversation. My mom wanted me to live a long time, she didn't want to bury me, she wanted me to see my grandkids. She was proud of the man I was, but afraid I wouldn't live to see my full potential. I am sure it is similar for you and your daughter. So, maybe it just starts with eating better, or walking further to the car (hell, my parents gave me 100 for every ten lbs so I could buy a new wardrobe) and see where it goes from there. Be loving, give her room, but don't be afraid to be a mom.
+1
Exactly. If they have a good relationship then her daughter will understand it's out of love and not some kind of 'disgust', which I know my own mother never felt about me even at my heaviest.0 -
+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
Patronising, unhelpful and not true.
Well then please enlighten everyone, genius.
Someone's daughter doesn't want to lose weight. How do you think she should go about making her without demolishing her self esteem with a side helping of an eating disorder?
You're taking shots at everyone else for saying that she needs to back off, now why don't you post your brilliant idea for how to make someone else lose weight?
I don't have the answer any more than you do. This isn't about forcing her daughter to lose weight, It's about the responsibility that a parent (a good one) would feel to try and do something to make her daughter realise that she's killing herself. If her daughter was an alcoholic or a drug addict, would you be telling her to tiptoe around it then? What's the difference? She's killing herself.
Clearer?0 -
leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
Your comments are so way off. Don't you think if you can't give an advice to the woman you should have probably just kept quite. I read a lot of concern of a mom for her daughter's health. I'm not saying being fat is ugly or not beautiful but let's face the facts. It comes with health problems. Aren't you vegan? Probably you could have shared your vegan experience to this lady rather than rambling.
Jus' my 2 cents.0 -
Granted, I am not a daughter, but as a severely up and down with my weight son, it was tough. I live in FL now, originally from MI, and used to hate going home for Thanksgiving because I didn't want to be judged. Then, out of the two times a year I see my parents, my mom would bring up her concerns. Here is the weird thing...I am grateful.
At the end of the day, there are objective truths. You are her mom. She is in an unhealthy situation. Your job is not to force her to do something, however, it is to make it clear (lovingly) that you are concerned about her health. It does not need to be a drawn out conversation, but it is good to let her know what is on your mind and heart. I think most of us on here have had a come-to-Jesus moment (or whatever you wanna call it) and have realized sometimes the truth sucks.
What finally broke through for me was the move from "fat" to "healthy" in the conversation. My mom wanted me to live a long time, she didn't want to bury me, she wanted me to see my grandkids. She was proud of the man I was, but afraid I wouldn't live to see my full potential. I am sure it is similar for you and your daughter. So, maybe it just starts with eating better, or walking further to the car (hell, my parents gave me 100 for every ten lbs so I could buy a new wardrobe) and see where it goes from there. Be loving, give her room, but don't be afraid to be a mom.
+1
Exactly. If they have a good relationship then her daughter will understand it's out of love and not some kind of 'disgust', which I know my own mother never felt about me even at my heaviest.
Common sense at last.0 -
My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7". She knows she needs to lose weight to be healthy and yet does nothing about it. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to start this journey. When I was doing WW I actually got her to join. She lost about 15 lbs and then for whatever reason gave up on it. I am now trying to get her to join MFP. I keep hoping that by seeing my success she will realize that it can be done. She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this. Especially without hurting her feelings. Any mothers out there in a similar situation? Or maybe some girls in her age group that could tell me what they would want to hear from their mothers.
Speaking as someone who has been through treatment for binge eating disorder, many of the women in my group had mothers or other influencers in their lives who were constantly at them to lose weight.0 -
My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".
I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.
She's 26 years old.
She doesn't need to be parented anymore.
She needs to grow the *kitten* up and deal with her own problems, which is hard to do if your mother is still babying and nagging you.
You, sir, are (as Archer would say) a stupid idiot
You look, think, and communicate like a child - spend some time out n the real world, get an informed opinion, and learn how to communicate muturely as an adult, and maybe people will take your opinion seriously. Now off you go, let the adults chat.0 -
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WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.0
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+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
Patronising, unhelpful and not true.
Well then please enlighten everyone, genius.
Someone's daughter doesn't want to lose weight. How do you think she should go about making her without demolishing her self esteem with a side helping of an eating disorder?
You're taking shots at everyone else for saying that she needs to back off, now why don't you post your brilliant idea for how to make someone else lose weight?
I don't have the answer any more than you do. This isn't about forcing her daughter to lose weight, It's about the responsibility that a parent (a good one) would feel to try and do something to make her daughter realise that she's killing herself. If her daughter was an alcoholic or a drug addict, would you be telling her to tiptoe around it then? What's the difference? She's killing herself.
Clearer?
Dumber actually.
Her daughter isn't killing herself. If that's her in the pic she's somewhat overweight. Carrying an extra 50lbs and being strung out on heroin are completely different things, which anyone who isn't a complete idiot realizes.
So since you admit you have no helpful advice to give, I'm going to stick with "love your daughter and support her no matter what she weighs." You can stick with...I don't know.. whining.
Nah you're right, she'll be fine.0 -
My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".
I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.
She's 26 years old.
She doesn't need to be parented anymore.
She needs to grow the *kitten* up and deal with her own problems, which is hard to do if your mother is still babying and nagging you.
You, sir, are (as Archer would say) a stupid idiot
You look, think, and communicate like a child - spend some time out n the real world, get an informed opinion, and learn how to communicate muturely as an adult, and maybe people will take your opinion seriously. Now off you go, let the adults chat.
Erm. I was in the exact same position as her daughter for years.
I think that makes my opinion pretty valid, thanks.0 -
She's 26, not 12. It's going to have to come from her.0
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My parents always told me "don't eat that" or "you will get fat" or whatever it was. It doesn't matter how close you are with your child the more you push the worse it gets. I have horrible eating due to my parents.
I don't care what the relationship or the situation, I am 47 and when my mom says something about me gaining weight or trying to get me to WW or something, I actually EAT MORE!!!!!
As much as your heart is in the right place it doesn't work.
FYI, my 19yo daughter lost a lot of weight is totally out of shape and needs help too, but when I push it all falls apart. It really hard as a parent to know how much to push. No she did not try to lose the weight, not it did not come off quickly. She saw doctors though to make sure, she is fine, just a lot stress and simple stomach issues. It is better now she is vegan and I think weight is coming back a bit. She needs muscle though.0 -
When I mention anything about getting healthier to my mother, all she hears is "You're fat and a loser and a terrible human for loving McDonald's." No matter how I phrase it. If the tables were turned, I would probably feel the same shame no matter what her intentions were, even if I understood her intentions.
Please just accept your daughter and support her with your unconditional love. You can do that without enabling her bad habits. She is an adult and will have to figure the diet and exercise thing out for herself if ever she is ready.0 -
You can't push someone to lose weight. I'm sure she is aware that she is overweight, but she has to be ready to make the committment to herself!0
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My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7". She knows she needs to lose weight to be healthy and yet does nothing about it. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to start this journey. When I was doing WW I actually got her to join. She lost about 15 lbs and then for whatever reason gave up on it. I am now trying to get her to join MFP. I keep hoping that by seeing my success she will realize that it can be done. She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this. Especially without hurting her feelings. Any mothers out there in a similar situation? Or maybe some girls in her age group that could tell me what they would want to hear from their mothers.
Speaking as someone who has been through treatment for binge eating disorder, many of the women in my group had mothers or other influencers in their lives who were constantly at them to lose weight.
This. Several times in the past I was good with my weight loss plan, had lost several pounds and was feeling good about it. Then next thing you know, I visited my mother who made all kinds of not so subtle remarks about my weight and was full of "helpful" tips. I proceeded to binge like I hadn't in months and gained it all back.
To make a long story short (as I said in my prior post, there's a lot of factors you may not know about that contribute to her weight problem), I went over five years without visiting my mother and barely spoke to her during that period as well. That's what it took for me to free myself from the fear of her judgment.
Don't do this to your daughter.0 -
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leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
SOLID...and QFT.
we all hear what we want to hear when people tell us things....
your daughter will hear what she wants to hear when you tell her you want her to be healthy....
and statistically speaking on what most kids hear when they hear the above, she will hear "you aren't good enough"0
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