Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?
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Just break up.0
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Run. Away. Seriously- this is toxic bull****, get out now.0
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Oh oh oh my ex did that to me. Except it was that I needed to lose the weight to get engaged.
I now live happily with no boyfriend, two cats, and am losing weight for me
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I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.
...................And you still want to marry this guy?
Wow - is it going to be OK to gain weight while pregnant? and if so..............(how much) and how long before you HAVE to lose the weight before he starts divorce proceedings?0 -
I disagree.Sing it with me........to the left..to the left......
^^This!!!!
Clearly, this is NOT love; Love has no "conditions"
I love my BF on the condition that we don't turn into violent, abusive douchenugs.
I feel this is a reasonable condition. Happily, he agrees. 
He has the condition that we be awesome at least three times a week. Since 9 years into our relationship we average at about 6x/wk, I think we're on track for that. 0 -
No one should give you ultimatums like that. Anyone who truly loves you will love you for who you are right now, and any state you may be possibly be in later. So what happens if you did lose that weight, got married, then gained it back? Would he divorce you based on your weight? That's not love, that's control. You would both be better off seeing other people. There is someone out there that will love you no matter what and support you with whatever your goals are.
I knew someone that had the opposite, she had lost weight for her wedding and her fiance called it off because he wanted a "fat chick" - he said that he didn't want something that he didn't sign up for originally. That is fetishism. Healthy relationships are based on so much more, including mutual respect and trust, which you can not achieve when one person is persecuted constantly for the way they are or how a person thinks they should be.0 -
No, absolutely not. Your body is yours. He loves you, or he does not, he does not get to dictate to you what you weigh. He's a control freak and an *kitten*, imho.
I agree with this, HOWEVER do you think it is possible he is doing this to motivate you? To help you lose the weight? He knows you better than we do from your single post on MFP.0 -
Get out. Get out right now. That is some serious controlling bullsh..
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Oh, I...I mean, I just...wow. How can that be love?
Of course it's your life, but you asked, so...no, it's not right, not at all. This is not how love is. Love is bringing out the best in your partner, in helping them be the best they can be without judgement or conditions, and loving them fat, thin or with a giant hairy wart.
Marrying this guy will kill your self esteem for good. If I don't know what a "junk" is (???), but I'll settle for suggesting that he go find himself someone else who is prepared to sacrifice her entire self worth to accommodate for his own needs. F that dude.
Does "without judgement or conditions" always apply?
Let's try a hypothetical:
"I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been unemployed, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I got a great job, and have gone through some major career changes.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the woman that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I get a good job.
I'm unemployed right now, and since the recession 2 years ago, I've actually lost my job and then some. Most of that income i lost in the last couple of months from 2 clients I've lost, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my I can't find a job. I job search regularly, apply online and cold call and I'm not even getting called back for interviews.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my job search troubles are emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave her and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to find a job for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!"
I'm guessing the responses would be slightly different.0 -
Normally I don't comment in relationship threads, or I say to talk to your partner instead of strangers on the internet...
...but man, that's messed up. There's "I love you and want you to be healthy", and then there's whatever this is.
Add me to the list.
If it's like this NOW, how is it going to be when you're pregnant, or when the two of you are going through a rough patch? Nopenopenope. Cut your losses while there's time.
I was totally thinking the same thing!!! I'm 40 pounds over where I was when I met my husband.... 4 years and two kids later. Never ever once has he mentioned my weight for good or for bad. Sweetie, I think you know what you need to do. You're on here asking to make sure you're not out of your mind. You're not. His condition is abusive behavior and you soooo do not need that. Losing weight for the sake of your relationship is not a reason to lose.
It will hurt and you will feel lost for a while, but MAN will you feel awesome once the weight of that... can I even call him a man? is out of your life. Ugh!! I'm all fired up right now! I'm so sorry you have this weighing on your mind on top of everything else you've recently gone through. You're so young! I'd leave him and live my life for a few years. You will find a fab new you AND someone who loves you for you!
Good luck my dear!!0 -
I wouldn't marry this guy. I would still try to be healthy, maybe even lose a little more weight, but not for him. There are people out there who will love you for you, for who you are inside, and those people will encourage you and build you up, which in the long run makes it EASIER to take care of yourself. You don't need someone who puts conditions on their love, who tears you down, makes you feel like you aren't good enough, and stresses you out. In the long run this will make it HARDER to achieve any health or weight loss goals, because the worse you feel about yourself the less motivated you are to take care of yourself.
It might be hard, because you might actually love him even though its clear he doesn't really love you, but the pain will fade. It will hurt for awhile and then after awhile it won't anymore.
DUMP HIM.0 -
Oh, I...I mean, I just...wow. How can that be love?
Of course it's your life, but you asked, so...no, it's not right, not at all. This is not how love is. Love is bringing out the best in your partner, in helping them be the best they can be without judgement or conditions, and loving them fat, thin or with a giant hairy wart.
Marrying this guy will kill your self esteem for good. If I don't know what a "junk" is (???), but I'll settle for suggesting that he go find himself someone else who is prepared to sacrifice her entire self worth to accommodate for his own needs. F that dude.
Does "without judgement or conditions" always apply?
Let's try a hypothetical:
"I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been unemployed, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I got a great job, and have gone through some major career changes.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the woman that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I get a good job.
I'm unemployed right now, and since the recession 2 years ago, I've actually lost my job and then some. Most of that income i lost in the last couple of months from 2 clients I've lost, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my I can't find a job. I job search regularly, apply online and cold call and I'm not even getting called back for interviews.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my job search troubles are emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave her and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to find a job for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!"
I'm guessing the responses would be slightly different.
Nope... I'd still say leave him... For better or for worse is the vow that comes to mind.0 -
The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.
That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
OK sorry I'm Late
You need to kick the controlling bum to the curb.
He does not love you if he is making demands like this and guaranteed it won't be the last demand he'll make that is none of his business
Break up, reach your goals then once you are confident and where you want to be you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are not who they want to control you into being0 -
Just my 2 cents here but i love my wife.. period 165lbs or 265lbs does not matter, has no bearing on the amazing, wonderful, smart, funny and talented Bride of mine.. (we have been together 25 yrs and married for 16)0
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I know that I'm only echoing what others have already said at this point, but I just wanted to chime in. I know it's tempting to believe that he will finally approve/love/cherish/respect you once you reach that magic number, but believe me, someone like that never, ever will. Anyone who puts conditions on love at the outset has no idea what a marraige requires. Marraige is HARD. There are times when you hate each other, when you annoy the heck out of each other, when just the sound of their breath at night makes you want to scream. And just wait until kids come into the picture. It takes a very solid backbone of MUTUAL respect - and respect for the institution of marraige itself - for one to succeed.
I promise you, someone like him will always be adding new conditions for you to try to live up to. You will, never, ever - repeat EVER - live up to all of this person's expectations, because really, he doesn't want you to. Honestly, ask yourself if it isn't possible that he really loves haing the upper hand in the relationship? Of course I don't know him, but I know people just like him, and I'm saying run, don't walk, away from him. I know you've invested a lot in this relationship, and maybe you think it's your only chance.
It's not.
Let me repeat that. IT"S NOT.
I promise you, there is a sweet, kind, loving, respectful man out there just waiting for you to dump this guy. Remember, people usually live up to your expectations of them. So if you hold out for a man who will treat you like a queen, you'll get him.
Continue to take care of your body, eat smart and splurge occasionally. Find your joy. It's out there, and I guarantee you, it's NOT with this guy.
I wish you all the wonderful things. Good luck! ♥0 -
So was he waiting the whole 5 to 6 years for you to lose the weight? If you are a pound under your goal by wedding day is he not going to walk down the aisle? Was he like this the entire relationship? Just curious because this sounds ridiculous if he is actually serious, If he is not willing to move forward with you now (after 5-6 years of investment) than why would he marry you when you do actually reach your goal? He'll probably be jealous of you when you actually reach your goal.
I would confront him with the very queston you posed in this thread, and end it with Wrong! Lose weight or Not...It's Over! Good Riddens! :drinker: 0 -
Please Please dump him IMMEDIATELY!!!! He is not the man for you. When you love someone you love them for everything that they are. What if you get sick and need him will he be there. Please don't sell yourself short . You will be miserable and will gain weight back because you are unhappy.. Life throws you enough curve balls .. You should feel safe and loved with the one you marry. Think about it. 0
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Skip the weight bs, you're getting married and don't live together yet? Big NO NO. If NOTHING ELSE, see if you two can coexist in the same house.
Personally, though, I'd say **** that and be out after giving his *kitten* some complexes. You are a WOMAN and unless you are a neurotic abusive jerk, you don't deserve that. Mom sounds like a good option. If you aren't living together though just stay in Florida and be your own woman! Florida has nice summers.
ETA: I mean, he agreed to date and engage you at your weight. He agreed to presumably fornicate with you, but God forbid he marries a woman who isn't HIS goal weight? He's lucky you even give him the time of day mami.
Edit again because wtf: So, assume you go through with this and you get to 130 and marry him. What's the next ultimatum? Certain adult acts or else he'll divorce? You must spawn a boy child or else? You got to dye your hair blonde and wear blue contacts? He's trying to change you, girl. People do not change or try to change the people they sincerely love. They love them for who and what they are, period. The only way this would even be mildly acceptable is if he's inadvertently making the comment because you constantly complain about your weight and said a long time ago that you wouldn't marry if you couldn't fit in a size 3 dress, or something.0 -
WOW.....I don't know you or your relationship but if he refuses to marry you because of your weight....you need to seriously consider if he is worth even being with AT ALL??
No healthy relationship starts that way....what if you get to the goal weight...get married....and gain it back? Will he divorce you?? Sounds like some mental abuse happening there. You should NOT have to change your appearance for ANYONE!
I would personally never be with anyone who didn't love me for ME. But as I am someone who stayed in a loveless relationship for 18 years, I know how easy it is to think you can't get better, that you don't deserve better. But YOU CAN and YOU DO!
You deserve love, respect and compassion. No matter what you look like! If he's not giving you that, I'd say leave! You are young.....don't get married because people tell you to or because you don't think you can do better.
Take a step back and ask yourself if he is worth it....sounds like a resounding NO to me!
Good luck hun!0 -
I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.
I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!
***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***
I wanted to play devil's advocate and go against those questioning his ultimatium and if he really loves or cares for you bc you have been together for 6 years. It seems like he was not making committing to you or marrying you a condition of the ultimatium but rather the wedding......6 years is pretty committed.
HOWEVER, when i kept reading and saw he doesn't live with you after 6 years? Now i am questioning it. Something lays deeper under all this and if you really want your relationship to work out, you should probably see a conselor with your significant other.
you should continue your weight loss journey for you though, take the hard times, and the plateu and let them fuel your fire.
let them motivate you to become who YOU want to be, for you and no one else.
**the difference between marriage and a wedding: marriage, committment to one person in love; wedding, a ceremony usually with a dress, which could be the reason he wants you to be healthy with your weight.....but again you need to evaluate ALL of the aspects of the relationship0
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