Daughter needs help
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Unfortunately I can relate to your daughter. I was 115lbs when I was 8 years old. I think its great that you're trying to get her active. I was semi active as a kid but I think the biggest cause of my weight was what my family ate. There was rarely fresh vegetables but lots of fried foods, cheese, pasta, bread, and rice. Potatoes were a staple food. I remember my parents saying they couldn't understand why i was so big because I didn't eat that much. Now I realize what healthy meals look like and have no doubt why I got as big as I did. I weighed 225 lbs when I was 19 years old and realized it was time for a change. My parents still eat similar to then but not quite as bad. No matter how much exercise i had I don't think I could've counteracted the food.
I hated talking about my weight. It was so embarassing as a child. The more people talked about my weight (even if they thought I couldn't hear) the more stressed out i would get and I would sneak food.
I hope all goes well with her. I know being overweight as a kid was hard on me and my self confidence and self esteem growing up. If you want to ask any questions please feel free.0 -
I think you're doing an excellent job.
I don't see the big deal in labeling food as good/bad (though healthy/unhealthy might be better). Cookies and candy bars are unhealthy. There's no need to ever have them in your house. I'm not saying they should be forbidden from eating certain foods, but there's absolutely no need to give her a treat or cookie every day.
Create healthier snacks and desserts. You're better off showing her that you can eat yummy food and have it be healthy. When you're out and about, or on a special occasion, feel free to get her a treat, but there's no sense in keeping junk around and giving her some every day. That's not any better in my opinion.
I don't understand how people feel they *need* to eat junk food regularly, even if it's in moderation.
One other thing, and you might already be doing it, is to lead by example. If she's eating healthy you definitely must be eating healthy as well.0 -
My daughter is also 11 and weighs 137. I took her to see our family doctor last fall because she gained 26 pounds from May to September. Not only is she not active but instead of eating one cookie or two like most kids, she will eat every cookie she finds. Somewhat like myself in that regard. Here's what we are doing and so far it seems to be working. It's taken us about a year to get her motivated.
1. I have forbidden the word fat to be used in our house. I hate the word and it does nothing but create negativity. While in the beginning I used extreme caution when discussing her weight, I have learned that I have to be open and honest about it with her. I don't "baby" her anymore when we discuss it but I have banned the f word from our vocabulary. She is overweight and that is a reality. She is the one who ultimately makes the final decision on her health and I can’t be there every single meal/snack etc to say she can and can’t have something. I am working hard to teach moderation.
2. We started a map from here to her grandmas house. It’s 300 miles one way. If she walks/bikes any distance, we move a pin on the map closer to grandmas. Once she’s completed the 300 miles, she gets an unplanned trip to grandmas house.
3. I created a “meal plan”. A list of things she likes to choose from for breakfast and lunch and then a snack list. She can pick one thing from the snack list and a few things for the breakfast and lunch meals. That way she has options. Cookies are on the snack list but a serving rather than the whole box. The point of this is for her to learn calories and what a “normal” day of eating should be like. I plan dinner and have tried to include her in that as well. She honestly had no idea that breaded chicken was worse than grilled because they both were chicken. Knowledge is the best weapon.
4. I had her weigh in once so far. She wrote her number on a piece of paper and put it away to where nobody would see it. That’s her personal information. She doesn’t need to obsess over the scale so her next weigh in won’t be for a month. It’s about getting healthy. Not getting skinny.
5. At the “end” of the journey, I plan to take her shopping. She loves clothes but hates to shop right now because she has to shop in the women’s section. Women’s clothing is not suitable for a child so I imagine getting back into the juniors section will be a major reward for her. We didn’t set a goal weight but decided that we would set a goal to get healthy together and once we reached our goals, we would go shopping.
I am in no means an expert but talking to my daughter and explaining these things seems to be working. Don’t make it so much about the scale but about getting healthy and learning a new lifestyle. Hearing my daughter say she was fat nearly broke my heart because I have been overweight since I was 17 years old. I don’t want her to have that same struggle. Don’t baby her about it but also remember that she’s only 11. Keep exercise fun and make it family oriented. Everybody loses sight of the goal and falls off the wagon. Just be patient and keep her motivated. Sorry to write a book. I just know how you feel and hope any input I have can help. Feel free to add me as a friend.0 -
I our house you get 4 servings of simple carbs per day. Because that is normal. For example simple carbs are grain and potato based. Typical breakfast, measured portion of cinnamon toast crunch and as much skim milk as she wants. I love the carbmaster vanilla skim cause it has 60 cals a cup 11 g of protein and tastes like a milkshake. 90 cal granola bar for snack. Lunch, 2 slice light bologna on 1 slice of whole wheat bread, cheese stick, apple, beans or lentils in one of those 1/4 tupperwares or a yogurt. Dinner 1/2cup whole grain pasta with meat and veg, she can have 2nds within reason of anything but carbs. 1 ice cream scoop of premium ice cream or full fat vanilla liberte yogurt for dessert or 2 sugar free fudgesicles or 2 tbsp dark chocolate chunks. Or 2 cup sugar free cocoa with whip cream. No restriction on fruit or raw veg. We don't keep cookies or chips in the house. Whole wheat saltines are available but everyone knows that you don't get more than 5, because that is a normal portion for a human. On track meet and chess tourney days, about 3 days a month, she gets soda, candy and chips and pizza, slushies etc.As it should be, those are party and celebration items, not normal food. And on those days she is twice as active as normal. I just focus her on what is normal consumption for a healthy human. I am not food Nazi, she gets junk food about every 10 days as I explained.0
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Thank you for sharing. My daughter, Cammie who is now 14 was in the same situation. It's a very hard thing to watch as a parent. She looks to you to be non-judgemental - whether you are or not, never let it show. I'll admit - I am and not proud of it either. As a overweight child myself, you'd think I would be eaiser to not be. But I keep it to myself. It is like walking on egg shells, say the wrong thing just one time and that's what she will remember. There are 3 sentences that repeat in my head still today from my childhood.
I'm not good at advice, and I don't generally post replies, but wanted to share that she might sooner than later be motivated to change on her own. Let her figure that part out for herself. What we can do as parents is stock the pantry with less chips and none of those easy to grab munchies. Also don't waste money on stocking the frig with carrots and such - odds are she won't eat them. We found that just learning not to snack was the key Yeah I know we are supposed to eat 5 meals a day, but these are kids. And Cammie still gets potato chips in her lunch - I'm not depriving her, LOL. It's a bit more expensive than packing a ziploc of chips, but the pre-package lunch size chip bags also keep portions in check.
May I suggest signing up for a 5kColor Run. If one comes close to your area -sign up! It's a blast. Don't worry about running - for the majority of people participating Color Run it's their first 5k ever. I would guess there are more walkers than runners overall. It's not a timed event. The Color Run totally changed my daughters outlook on exercise. The fun is dressing up in running gear, add in a hot pink tutu and wild socks - and enjoy the post race "color" party.
Good Luck to you and your daugther!0 -
I'm not going to address any of the issues but one. By labeling foods as good and bad you are setting her up to fail. It's good to be knowledgeable about nutrition, but by 'banning' some foods from your house, you will be setting her up to binge on the foods she craves. Trust me, she will find and succeed in getting these foods sooner or later. It will also encourage secret eating.
It's a learning experience to eat healthy. Do it together. Talk about the benefits of eating well 80% of the time and leaving some room for treats in moderation. If you can help her learn this - she will have a mighty tool in her tool belt for being a healthy weight in adulthood.
This!
Also, I was once in your daughters shoes. I think getting her outside walking is key. I know they do have things for Wii and Xbox, and I'm not knocking those because a couple years ago I used a Wii to start my fitness journey, but I think kids spend too much time on those things anyhow (not speaking of your daughter) so I think getting her outside is a great idea. I also think making it family time together is awesome.
Seriously, kudos to you for stepping up and putting your foot down. I wish I had that when I was a kid. I had a traumatic event turn me into an emotional eater, but I think if that had been really caught and my mom put her foot down and did what you are doing, things would be a lot different for me today. I am NOT saying it's her fault, I chose to shove food in my mouth.
I definitely agree don't label foods as good or bad. It's about moderation NOT deprivation.0 -
2. We started a map from here to her grandmas house. It’s 300 miles one way. If she walks/bikes any distance, we move a pin on the map closer to grandmas. Once she’s completed the 300 miles, she gets an unplanned trip to grandmas house.
WOW what a GREAT idea! Just imagine the motivation this spurs... once she achieves her goal try switching it out. Maybe map the distance to an amusement park (I live in Southern California, so the first thing that comes to my mind is Disneyland!)... what a fabulous suggestion!
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Here is my problem with "my kids don't like exercise." Stop calling it exercise. Find something fun. My youngest son doesn't like to run (breaks his mother's heart lol). But I signed them up to start rock climbing at a local climbing gym. He LOVES it. And it is a great workout. He also likes to do yoga with me (as long as we don't tell people so shhhhhh). But he isn't going to go do laps around the track for fun and giggles. Though I am his mother, and sometimes he doesn't get a choice. He is 10, he lives in my house, and if I run the track, I tell him I expect him to at least walk it a few times, even if it is slowly and he wears his headphones. He doesn't love it but he isn't going to be scarred for life from doing it. And he can go kicking and screaming or he can go without that but bottom line-he is still going (and the kicking and screaming will get you grounded in my house). He doesn't get to just sit on the couch and watch TV or play games. Sorry, thems the rules in our house.
But we also talk about serving sizes and protein and sugar and calories. If the boys want some chips, they get one serving size. It is cute to watch them count out 15 chips. Though yesterday I came home and the entire box of Goldfish crackers were demolished in a day between the two of them. It is a battle sometimes. Sometimes I lose. Luckily they both take after their father and he has the world's fastest metabolism. If I didn't love my hubsand so much I would hate him...
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I disagree with most. I think there most definitely are bad foods that have no place in your home, much less in your body.
Congratulations for recognizing there's a problem and being proactive to solve it.0 -
I'm aware that I'm going to come across as callous and rude, but I'm very surprised that no-one has expressed similar sentiments to your post or some of the replies received.
In what way does the need for change have to come from a child? An 11 year old child? A 12 year old child? They do not buy or prepare their food, nor do they choose the majority of family activities. They are minors, they should not be handed the burden of wanting to change their diet, activity levels or anything else related to their lifestyle. It is an abdication of parental responsibility to put the onus on them at all.
I am a parent and my child is not overweight, so I cannot offer practical advice about this I'm sorry, nor can I imagine the difficulty of the task ahead of you. But I'm just confused about the logic of wanting the child to change their mindset first. Mine has his own difficulties and has to be dragged (literally) kicking and screaming into doing things that in the long run are for his own good, but he is the child and I am the parent. I try to be as democratic as possible, but his health is my responsibility, not his.0 -
.. (she hates all forms of exercise and because she is fat she feels self conscience about playing outside.. because children pick on her..)
She is not FAT. She has FAT. She has fingernails, but she is not a fingernail. I just hate the fact that a dad is calling his daughter fat.
*off my soap box*. I think it is great that your family is doing exercise together and not singling her out because she is "fat". I also think it is great that you are keeping healthy food options in the house for the whole family and setting a good example yourself by eating healthy.0 -
Hi!
Now, I warn you, this is going to sound kind of blunt, so don't take it personally, but I speak from experience (from the child's perspective) when I say that, unfortunately from your stance, no amount of hounding you do on her is going to work. I am 18 years old and have struggled with my weight since I was very young, and still do greatly. I first noticed it in the 3rd grade when they started weighing us at school and a few of my friends made fun of me because I weighed 95 pounds when everyone else weighed much less. That was when I was 8. Since your daughter is 11, and like others on this thread have already stated, she is most likely aware that it is a concern. But I'm going to tell you right now that forcing her to diet or exercise, or taking her to a doctor--just to have them tell her what she already knows--is not going to help. No amount of "force" from anyone else is going to push her hard enough to take control. Now, don't take what I'm about to say as an attack on your parenting style (I'm sure you are an AWESOME dad since you seem to care about your daughter's health and want to help!). My parents, especially my mom, were this same way when I was growing up and they are still great parents--BUT, if you push her and push her, she will resent you even more than she already will for "allowing" her to be overweight at a very young age. Even if it wasn't necessarily your "fault," that's more than likely how she will think of it later (once again I am not placing blame on you, but speaking from my feelings and experiences with my own parents).
To sum it up, she has GOT to find the motivation in herself. One day, she will look in the mirror and if she isn't happy with the way she looks or feels, she will kick it into gear, but NOT for you, or anyone else. For herself.
I'll give you some tips regarding what helped/did not help me to start finally dealing with my weight issue:
-Providing healthy foods - GOOD!
-Teaching portion control - GOOD!
-Restricting her diet - ehhhh. Not so good. She should be taught that it isn't WHAT you eat, but how MUCH. Eat what you want, but always in moderation!
-Forcing exercise - Nope. Not good. Exercise is a scary word. What is good is promoting an active lifestyle and incorporating exercise into your family time to make it fun! (and not scary :laugh: ). Go on walks/hikes, ride bikes, even just playing outside! (In the sun or in the snow) Anything that promotes activity. We never really did this in my family, so when my mom realized I needed to be more active, I wasn't very willing because for so many years I lived my life at school and on the couch!
-"Put that back, you aren't hungry" - Definitely definitely not. There's nothing wrong with getting a snack when she gets home from school. I've even learned that it's healthier to eat smaller, more frequent meals throughout the day. But If you tell her she can't have it, she's just going to get in the habit of scarfing things out of the fridge when you aren't looking. Now, if you notice her just grazing throughout the day, then maybe you should say something. Once again, it's all about moderation.
-Getting junk out of the house - GOOD! There's nothing wrong with a treat from time to time, but keeping it around is nothing but temptation and a young girl doesn't have the willpower to say "no I don't need that candy bar." They say "heck yes, a freakin' candy bar, score!"
-Using the word "fat" as an adjective - nope nope nope. A hundred gagillion times nope. She probably gets enough of that crap from her peers, the last thing she needs is to get it from her dad.
-Reminding her that she has a weight issue - never ever ever ever EVER do this. She knows. Trust me, she knows.
And lastly,
-Teaching her that it isn't about numbers - This is probably the most important one. I grew up looking at the scale and being disappointed with myself. Back when my family was trying to make losing weight a group effort, Mom would have us weigh in weekly, and even when I was at my smallest and healthiest, the scale still told me I was overweight. She should track her progress by her happiness with herself. Not just what she sees when she looks in the mirror, but how she feels overall.
Sorry this was so long, but I want to help as much as I can! Your daughter will be fine with a little encouragement, and your relationship will not suffer over this if you are supportive, but not overbearing. Good luck to both of you, and I hope you check in later with how she's doing!0 -
I'm aware that I'm going to come across as callous and rude, but I'm very surprised that no-one has expressed similar sentiments to your post or the replies.
In what way does the need for change have to come from a child? An 11 year old child? A 12 year old child? They do not buy or prepare their food, nor do they choose the majority of family activities. They are minors, they should not be handed the burden of wanting to change their diet, activity levels or anything else related to their lifestyle. It is an abdication of parental responsibility to put the onus on them at all.
I am a parent and my child is not overweight, so I cannot offer practical advice about this I'm sorry, nor can I imagine how difficult that task ahead of you is. But I'm just confused about the logic of wanting the child to change their mindset first. Mine has his own difficulties and has to be dragged (literally) kicking and screaming into doing things that in the long run are for his own good, but he is the child and I am the parent. I try to be as democratic as possible, but his health is my responsibility, not his.
Actually I did - in my post I stated "I am the adult"..I also stated I took away the video games that have you sitting on your butt. As well as dictating what my kids eat. The only thing I can not control is what they choose when not with me...Hence my requirement for teaching them what they should and should not choose.
My child has had weight issues from day one...as an infant she was bigger than her twin - as a toddler concern started and as a child...I became concerned.
I am a HUGE advocate of teaching them - not just hand / make them...if you make them do it or make them eat something without teaching they have no idea why they are doing it. Therefore...every step of the way I teach my children so it stays with them as teens - young adults ans hopefully as parents themselves.0 -
I'm aware that I'm going to come across as callous and rude, but I'm very surprised that no-one has expressed similar sentiments to your post or the replies.
In what way does the need for change have to come from a child? An 11 year old child? A 12 year old child? They do not buy or prepare their food, nor do they choose the majority of family activities. They are minors, they should not be handed the burden of wanting to change their diet, activity levels or anything else related to their lifestyle. It is an abdication of parental responsibility to put the onus on them at all.
I am a parent and my child is not overweight, so I cannot offer practical advice about this I'm sorry, nor can I imagine how difficult that task ahead of you is. But I'm just confused about the logic of wanting the child to change their mindset first. Mine has his own difficulties and has to be dragged (literally) kicking and screaming into doing things that in the long run are for his own good, but he is the child and I am the parent. I try to be as democratic as possible, but his health is my responsibility, not his.
Actually I did - in my post I stated "I am the adult"..I also stated I took away the video games that have you sitting on your butt. As well as dictating what my kids eat. The only thing I can not control is what they choose when not with me...Hence my requirement for teaching them what they should and should not choose.
My child has had weight issues from day one...as an infant she was bigger than her twin - as a toddler concern started and as a child...I became concerned.
I am a HUGE advocate of teaching them - not just hand / make them...if you make them do it or make them eat something without teaching they have no idea why they are doing it. Therefore...every step of the way I teach my children so it stays with them as teens - young adults ans hopefully as parents themselves.
Sorry if I was unclear and I know I may have appeared rude - my comment did not apply to you. I was referring to comments about the motivation for change coming form the child or when the child has no interest in changing, that's the part I struggle to understand.0 -
Good luck mate, I appreciate your fears. Good luck with this thread too, I anticipate a lot of people will jump on you about this.
This is true.
As long as you are showing her by example (racing her is a great idea! Allow her to enjoy her exercise) and never use the "F" word when describing her. I think she needs to hear she is beautiful to you no matter what. Good luck!0 -
I'm aware that I'm going to come across as callous and rude, but I'm very surprised that no-one has expressed similar sentiments to your post or the replies.
In what way does the need for change have to come from a child? An 11 year old child? A 12 year old child? They do not buy or prepare their food, nor do they chose the majority of family activities. They are minors, they should not be handed the burden of wanting to change their diet, activity levels or anything else related to their lifestyle. It is an abdication of parental responsibility to put the onus on them at all.
I am a parent and my child is not overweight, so I cannot offer practical advice about this I'm sorry, nor can I imagine how difficult that task ahead of you is. But I'm just confused about the logic of wanting the child to change their mindset first. Mine has his own difficulties and has to be dragged (literally) kicking and screaming into doing things that in the long run are for his own good, but he is the child and I am the parent. I try to be as democratic as possible, but his health is my responsibility, not his.
It's obvious you don't have a child that's overweight or struggled with it. Have you ever tried to stand over your child at a birthday party and tell them in front of the other kids they have to stop eating so much? Like 3-5 cupcakes when most kids have one. Yes I am the parent but do you know how mortifying it is to your child to stand over them and tell them to stop. And saying it's just one birthday party let her splurge isn't an option. There's always special occasions. Nearly every weekend we have a birthday party or special event to attend. She has to want to take charge and gain a sense of control. I can't be at school with her all day to make sure she doesn't trade her healthy lunch for cupcakes/chips. I recently learned she had been sneaking money out of the change jar and getting snacks and pop from the vending machine. She has to want it too. I'm not saying as a parent you can't eliminate some of these things. I'm saying just like any person, they have to want it too. Your job as a parent is to give them good options and encourage better decisions. And that's with every aspect of life! I bought my daughter a trampoline becasue she wanted one for her birthday. I made her go outside and looked out to see she was laying on the trampoline looking at the sky with her earbuds in. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.0 -
Bravo to you Mom for helping your daughter with her weight and her self esteem. I struggled as a chubby kid who grew into a fat adult. I struggle still today and now see my 19 year old daughter struggle with being about 40 pounds overweight. I know the emotional toll you feel to intervene and risk the anger back at you or to do or say nothing and let the situation get worse. I feel for you! My best advice for you is to keep her active and involved in monitoring her food intake and calories burned. I have bought a fitbit and wear it daily. It keeps me accountable and I track each day. But you must be honest! And always plan ahead! Start cooking and preparing food together. Pick out some special low cal-low-sugar or fat recipes together. Set mini-goals and reward your body not by food but by something else she enjoys: some music, a hair style, a magazine/book, nails done etc.. Best of luck and health to you both!0
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Like you, I am also trying to get in shape. When I was running my last 5k, I was impressed with how many kids were there, as we as adults who were pushing strollers and had another kid tagging along. I don't have kids yet, but I told my husband that when we do, I want to be that family who goes on early morning walks and incorporates activity into everyday life. I think what you are doing is very admirable. My parents always kept junk food in the house, but now that I'm on my own, my husband has to hide his stash in his office, so I can focus on only having healthy choices around.
I know you mentioned that she's uncomfortable playing outside, but once she reaches a more comfortable weight level, you all could try more than just walking. There are all sorts of sports she could try, lessons--if she doesn't feel ready to be part of a team, or you all could vary the walks by going pretty places to hike.
Also, when I was a kid, I thought I was unathletic and quit all of the sports that's parents signed me up for. When I got to high school, I found out that I had had undiagnosed exercise-induced asthma, so you might want to get that checked out.0 -
I saw a news story awhile ago about a girl who successfully lost weight with her parents help, basically by doing what you are doing. I can't find the story now though, it was on a main channel like ABC News or something like that.
I was going to suggest doing some of the more active Wii or Xbox games, you could do those as a family in addition to the walking or something to do when the weather is unpleasant.0 -
We have a 10 year old who has a little bit of pudge. We've never told her she's overweight, or addressed it with her. She's still growing. When she was little, she'd get a bit of a belly, and then would get tall (and the belly would go away). Then she'd do it again....get a bit of a belly, then get tall. Last couple of years, she keeps getting tall, but still has a bit of pudge.
We don't have any foods that are completely off limits, but we do limit things. For example, she likes Paradise Café chocolate chip cookies. She has 1 a night as a snack while we're winding down.
If she's hungry, we encourage her to have something like yogurt, applesauce, a banana, peanut butter crackers, cheese....something my 7 year old would call "a healthy choice." (I'm convinced she's going to be a dietician when she grows up! LOL)
That same applies to the 7 year old. If she wants a reese's peanut butter cup, we tell her she has to have something healthy first....preferably something protein. (Yeah, I know peanut butter has protein, but still.)
I've been told by dr's and nutritionists that since I have PCOS and insulin resistance, if I have a snack or a carb, to make sure I have a protein first. Protein's take longer to digest, and since carb's burn off rather quickly, it's important to have that protein in the belly first. That's why we chose to apply this concept to our girls. They have no problem with it either.
Our youngest is constantly on the move, but our oldest would rather sit and play on the computer. With the weather getting warmer, she does like to play outside - so we'll go outside to play - they can ride their bikes or scooters - and I've started taking walks with them so I can get healthier too. Before I lost the 88 ish pounds, I wasn't able to do that. (take walks).
Just keep encouraging healthy choices with foods, encouraging physical activity whether it's walking around the subdivision or taking them to a playground, and ABOVE ALL - make sure you let your child know YOU LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT. Her weight is NOT what defines her. It is NOT the determining factor over whether or not people like you. People who only see pudge do not see who she really is. I tell my daughters every day that I love them, that they are smart, pretty and awesome. I tell them WHY too....My oldest daughter has red hair. I tell her how pretty it is and that not many people have hair that color and/or pay for their hair to be that color. It makes her special. When they talked about genetics in her science class, they "sorted" the kids by who had blonde hair, brown hair, etc. She was the only one with red hair. We tell her that's because she's unique and that it's in her genes.
Just like my youngest has blue eyes. Mine are green, and my husbands are brown. My sisters, brother, and father all had blue eyes - most of my cousins on my dad's side have blue eyes. We tell her that's part of what makes her beautiful.
Do everything you can to build up her self esteem so that when the kids at school pick on her, she'll have built up her armor enough that she's confident enough in herself to just let it slide off like it was nothing. Let her know that sometimes people aren't nice, and there's nothing you can do about it. It comes from negativity within themselves, not from anything she's said or done. Since she knows what it feels like when people treat her a certain way, she now knows that she shouldn't treat others that way either. Show her how to be the best version of herself she can be.
My parents harped on me ALL MY LIFE about my weight. That's all they saw. They focused on "what" I was instead of "who" I was. They told me nice boys don't want to go out with fat girls. They badgered me that I should lose weight for them because children are supposed to out-live their parents. They insisted I lose weight for my kids because they'd grow up without their mother. They used guilt, intimidation, bribery (We'll pay you to lose weight), shame...all things that tear people down. There was no focus on building me up. I felt like people who were fat were nothing/nobody, and that they would only love me if I were skinny. PLEASE DO NOT TREAT YOUR DAUGHTER THIS WAY!! It doesn't work. There's nothing worse than thinking people will only love you or think you're worth knowing if you're skinny.
*climbing off my soap box*0 -
I think the best thing you can continue to do is motivate her with positive words and show her how to be healthy. Find activities that she may be interested In and ask her if she wants to be in them. I would be very cautious of the words you use when talking to her about her weight, at her age she can easily be discouraged if she feels she is being pressured into changing herself because of your discontent. I think that most parents believe that just because they are able to control most things like money, food, etc they have to tell their kids what to do regarding weight, but the truth is kids have feelings to and when we want them to make changes we need to be encouraging and make them feel as though they are making the change themselves. I would also suggest finding family friendly activities to enjoy-- I have taken my nephew and daughter with me to walk 2 5k's in the last year, one was the Run or Dye (they throw colored cornstarch and your are multi-colored when done) and the other was a night time 5K--(you want through, bubble machines, fluorescent lights, neon mists,etc). They had a blast. Good luck to you both!0
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some forms of exercise do not seem like it - I lost a ton of weight as a kid roller skating - I have no idea how much I was burning skating from a to b
I do agree with others that suggest finding out what she likes to do - also find some powerful women athletes that are not stick figures for her to read up on - Holley Mangold is awesome - Also the movie Strong about lifter Cheryl Haworth is worth watching
This may seem like an out there suggestion and you may balk at it - see if she might be up for martial arts or boxing - this may also help with the being picked on0 -
Almost zero 11 yr olds will want to exercise for the sake of exercise. You are right in it is all up to you. She is a child so you are in charge of her diet and fitness. Find out what sport she hates the least and then sign her up for it. Start walking to the store together and walk instead of driving whenever feasible.
As for food, focus on teaching her to eat for her bodily needs, instead of this food is "bad" and this food is "good". Explain protein and iron and calories etc to her and briefly what role they play in the body. When serving dinner, point out what positive role each food plays, and explain moderation. She can still have desserts and should so she doesn't feel deprived. I keep low desserts (100 calories give or take) and eat one every day.
As her parent, don't make any comments to her about her body visually, like she is fat or even looking thinner. Focus more on abilities improving, like noticing how much longer she can run.0 -
Bottom line is a kid has to want to take the steps themselves. You can't force the changes on them unless there is a health issue. But it is working well. He's happy that he has lost a bit of weight. And the other day there was a birthday party at school with cupcakes. He ended up bringing it home and giving it to my wife, saying that he really didn't want it.
As a fat kid, looking back I agree with this. My parents are healthy, they always exercised when I was growing up and we rarely had a lot of "junk" food in the house. I was fully aware I was overweight and I hated it. I honestly don't know what my parents could have done differently; they would try rewards, I could sign up for whatever sports I wanted, etc. etc...but at the end of the day it seemed easier to just be fat and a lot of work for something I wanted right away.
I would just be careful limiting "junk" food too much. I remember when I went off to college it was like a free-for-all...even after I started driving I was still in high school, I started getting fast food on my own. We rarely ate fast food growing up, and had a lot of lean meat because my mom doesn't eat red meat. She will have to learn that you can still eat cupcakes and chips and fries, but not the whole container or bag of them.0 -
Hang in there. Your not alone. My son is 14 and overweight and we struggle with food issues. Some days, I feel like we got a good handle on it. Other days not so much. I am grown and I now only have 12 pounds on him. He has grown quite a bit so that's where I wonder did he gain cause he grew it or ate too much? Well good luck.0
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A child does not buy food and does not do the cooking. So, start by taking the blame. I do not mean, feel guilty about it. I mean sit with her, talk about you feel as a family you have made poor eating choices and worry about everyone's health and how you are going to make changes. Talk about food groups, healthy food choices and start planning meals and snacks. Not to starve, but to add lots of fruit, lean meats, vegetables and so on, with limited treats at scheduled times or days, for everyone in the family. Focus on health, not fat. And make sure that you follow the plan, and not change the rules if you lose your own motivation.
Second, talk about the need to exercise to keep in shape and be healthy, not as a way to lose weight. Again, let her know how you are trying to change your own habits for your health, and since you love her, you want her for company and to be healthy too. Do not mention body weight, she is too yougn to worry about this.0 -
I'm aware that I'm going to come across as callous and rude, but I'm very surprised that no-one has expressed similar sentiments to your post or the replies.
In what way does the need for change have to come from a child? An 11 year old child? A 12 year old child? They do not buy or prepare their food, nor do they chose the majority of family activities. They are minors, they should not be handed the burden of wanting to change their diet, activity levels or anything else related to their lifestyle. It is an abdication of parental responsibility to put the onus on them at all.
I am a parent and my child is not overweight, so I cannot offer practical advice about this I'm sorry, nor can I imagine how difficult that task ahead of you is. But I'm just confused about the logic of wanting the child to change their mindset first. Mine has his own difficulties and has to be dragged (literally) kicking and screaming into doing things that in the long run are for his own good, but he is the child and I am the parent. I try to be as democratic as possible, but his health is my responsibility, not his.
It's obvious you don't have a child that's overweight or struggled with it. Have you ever tried to stand over your child at a birthday party and tell them in front of the other kids they have to stop eating so much? Like 3-5 cupcakes when most kids have one. Yes I am the parent but do you know how mortifying it is to your child to stand over them and tell them to stop. And saying it's just one birthday party let her splurge isn't an option. There's always special occasions. Nearly every weekend we have a birthday party or special event to attend. She has to want to take charge and gain a sense of control. I can't be at school with her all day to make sure she doesn't trade her healthy lunch for cupcakes/chips. I recently learned she had been sneaking money out of the change jar and getting snacks and pop from the vending machine. She has to want it too. I'm not saying as a parent you can't eliminate some of these things. I'm saying just like any person, they have to want it too. Your job as a parent is to give them good options and encourage better decisions. And that's with every aspect of life! I bought my daughter a trampoline becasue she wanted one for her birthday. I made her go outside and looked out to see she was laying on the trampoline looking at the sky with her earbuds in. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
I outright stated that I do not have a child who is overweight and also admitted I have no idea how difficult it will be, practically, to address this.
But I struggle with the idea of waiting for a child at that age to make a decision to change. That decision should not be theirs to make.0 -
I don’t know if you are referring to my post regarding motivation but I never said anywhere to “wait until your child is motivated.” That would just be absurd. I stated a person should motivate their child but that the child has to want it to some degree to make it work. I eliminate temptations and get her active as often as I can but I can’t be over her shoulder 24/7 to make the decisions for her. She has to want it in those times. It’s just like a kid who wants to be better at sports. They have to want to put the effort forth to be the best on the team. Some get it naturally (just like those kids with kick but metabolisms like my oldest daughter) but some have to really work hard. You can motivate them with a new bat and glove but they have to want to be better and practice in order to succeed.0
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My daughter is now 15 and is a varsity swimmer and cheerleader at her high school. She was a very heavy child and at the age of about 12 - 13 she just grew like a beanstalk. She grew 7" in nine months and finally grew into her weight. In all honesty....she was overweight because I was lazy (key word I was lazy, I am NOT trying to imply that you are) I was an overweight single mom and was always in a rush....so hot dogs, chips, macaroni and cheese and cartoons were the norm in our house. As she got older she started to make healthier choices, started sports and now she is the perfect size. My advice would be to do just what you are doing and please do not be hard on her about it. It sounds like she gets enough grief as it is at school. She only needs support, not ridicule from the ones she loves.... Also I would incorporate XBOX Kinect....or the Wii. We still love playing the dance games like Dance Dance Revolution or Just Dance. Its fun and it gets them up and moving along with myself. It is a journey but it is a journey that can be conquered. Good luck to you and yours
No I agree with you... I was over weight also... and still over weight by just a little now..
I was totally lazy about this.... I could of done a lot more then i have done... especially the walking.. and family play time.0 -
When I was 10, my Mom said to me, "You know, if you suck in your gut and stand up straight, you'll lose 10 pounds." I never forgot it. Her "fat days" were a whopping 136lbs and I hit that in 8th grade. I had never felt fat before and in that moment, years of struggle began. Be VERY careful how you make her FEEL. She is 11 and is at an age where her body should be gearing up for puberty and naturally thicken a little. She also may be between growth spurts since she will continue growing until about age 15. The tone of your message is very negative ("bad" food, she's "fat," "horrible" etc). I can only imagine what you have conveyed to this young girl. You need to be VERY CAREFUL that you don't start her down a path of negative viewpoint on food and body image. It's hard enough at school, let alone at home. Reduce the foods, give her an ipod with a head set, put her in dance, take her to Jump Street, go swimming, do your walks, etc. But, whatever you do, guard her spirit and self-image. She is BEAUTIFUL at any weight and this should be about HEALTH - NOT about being "FAT." Also remember she is still growing. My son was chunky and bullied mercilessly for his weight "problem" by the kids at school. He had some bad habits and little at a time, I addressed them. I also encouraged him by telling him that he will grow and it will even out. He's now 12 and 5'5 and over the past two years, has lost 40 lbs by playing sports, making some dietary changes and the ever-encouraging puberty and noticing girls really changed his mindset. He looks fantastic and is fighting off the girls. I'm just saying .... let her be 11... help but don't damage. Good luck.
I personally don't tell my daughter she is fat... but her friends do..
I am careful about what I say to my daughter... do i say diet... yes... but it was before I knew it was such a dirty word..
alot of the messages have been helpful... and i will take most to heart.. I didn't think about labeling food as good or bad... but I was going to be very careful about what comes into the house...
Mike0
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