Daughter needs help

Greywalk

Saw your post and will say with 5 out of 6 children I had good success. I like what my son said when he came to visit..."where are the chips? Hey your refrigerator only has fruit, veggies, and other healthy food in it" I did this to help with my weight management issues. For the others...I always played games with them when they were little and even workout with them now. I have one on the track team in school and another in soccer. These are the only two left at home. The others are adults. For the track team one, we run together and talk about once a week. It is part of our date together. For the soccer one I take her to practice, go to the gym while she is at practice and often on the weekend work out with her on her soccer stuff. Getting the girls outside is important to me. When the others come to visit or I visit them we normally go for a short run. I demonstrate through my commitment to my health that they too have to do so as adults. To the younger ones I workout with them in support of their healthy lifestyle. I asked one why she played her sport and she said, "I need something to stay in shape and this is fun for me." She is 12. What works for the children seems to be twofold.... and I am not the superdad here...but from just my small experience...
1. Playing with them when younger working out with them when they get older.
2. Living a healthy lifestyle and seeing me workout (headed off to the gym or out to run) even when I am tired or just don't feel like it.

Good on you for assisting your daughter...keep do it because she will benefit in the long run as will you.

tattsb4u

My daughter is now 15 and is a varsity swimmer and cheerleader at her high school. She was a very heavy child and at the age of about 12 - 13 she just grew like a beanstalk. She grew 7" in nine months and finally grew into her weight. In all honesty....she was overweight because I was lazy (key word I was lazy, I am NOT trying to imply that you are) I was an overweight single mom and was always in a rush....so hot dogs, chips, macaroni and cheese and cartoons were the norm in our house. As she got older she started to make healthier choices, started sports and now she is the perfect size. My advice would be to do just what you are doing and please do not be hard on her about it. It sounds like she gets enough grief as it is at school. She only needs support, not ridicule from the ones she loves.... Also I would incorporate XBOX Kinect....or the Wii. We still love playing the dance games like Dance Dance Revolution or Just Dance. Its fun and it gets them up and moving along with myself. It is a journey but it is a journey that can be conquered. Good luck to you and yours

thickerella

My daughter is 11 years old also and weighs closer to 150... i have tried and tried to motivate her but she has no interest in changing. I am lost. I have been getting her to walk with me once or twice a week. I am really hoping wih the weather getting nicer that I can get her outdoors more. If you find something that works please let me know.

Its not about exercise! Start eating healthier foods! You can not out exercise a bad diet! Good luck!

I agree with you to a point. If you feed your kids nothing but calorie dense junk food, they will gain weight no matter what. That said, kids can get away with eating a higher percentage of calories per pound than adults because they are GENERALLY much more active. As I stated earlier, sometimes my 5yo eats more than I do, but he LITERALLY runs everywhere he goes and attempts to jump and climb everything he sees. Kids MOVE...or they should. Unfortunately, we spend a lot of time teaching them to sit still so they can function in a classroom. Not that I know of a better way, but I imagine that has a lot to do with why kids are gaining weight.

chasetwins

I Did not see your other post - however I too have a daughter that is overweight. She is a twin - her sister is petite sadly she since birth has always been SOLID!!!

My daughter is 9 - little younger than yours however same thing..HATES exercise. What I found is doing it as a family (walks etc.) REALLY helped. It has been far too cold here so we have not been able to. I bought the kids all sorts of games for the WII and xbox that require you move...I hid all the others lol

I losing weight over the last year also was VERY careful how I spoke about me dieting. I am also the adult therefore I slowly started removing junk from the house and slowly switched their snacks. I believe these two things have helped. She is more conscious of what she eats. She is starting to read food labels and will even ask which is better when comparing food.

Doing it in a careful and slow manner I think over all had a positive influence for her. I do not use the words "diet" or "fat" in my house. When they first started asking why i was eating something different (this was before I got everyone on the same train) I simply stated..I like to eat as healthy as possible so I have the energy to keep up. I used that term over and over again. And now...so does she!!

Getting her to be active is a challenge - swimming...when we can is the best exercise because she loves it and will do it for hours!! When it gets warmer we will all go to the local track and do a few rounds. I bought them basketball hoop & tennis net which we will also utilize. If it is just her and her sister - she will not do it. If all of us get involved she doesn't hesitate.

So the more things you can join in with your daughter...the less she may resist. Try to stay clear of the bad words (diet - fat - etc). Teach her about healthy eating..not dieting!!

Also - juice was an issue here. I myself always have something to drink!! I switched their juice to Water Fruits - it is only 40 calories verse the other stuff and far less sugar. My kids can not have artificial sugar so finding something other than water and 100% juice has been a challenge. The water fruits beat that challenge. My girls have 2 veggies with dinner and the same amount of protein as I do. They have fruit with breakfast & lunch. I tend to do 150 - 200 calorie snack limit (includes juice is they opt for that instead of water)- lunch usually about 300 calories and dinner varies. We do not use school lunches - I make them lunch! School days - they get water with their snacks and juice or unsweetened almond milk with lunch.
No complaints from either child I have found countless alternatives to their favorites at a much lower calorie count!

There is no "diet" for a child so it is hard - Dr.s usually just say limit the juice and make them exercise...easy for you to say! Especially when my girls both eat the same exact thing and do the same things yet one weighs a heck of alot more. She is built like her Dad Making small changes here and there and staying on that train with her...will give her the tools she needs to be successful..just be sure to "teach" not preach

beth4dieting3

When I was 10, my Mom said to me, "You know, if you suck in your gut and stand up straight, you'll lose 10 pounds." I never forgot it. Her "fat days" were a whopping 136lbs and I hit that in 8th grade. I had never felt fat before and in that moment, years of struggle began. Be VERY careful how you make her FEEL. She is 11 and is at an age where her body should be gearing up for puberty and naturally thicken a little. She also may be between growth spurts since she will continue growing until about age 15. The tone of your message is very negative ("bad" food, she's "fat," "horrible" etc). I can only imagine what you have conveyed to this young girl. You need to be VERY CAREFUL that you don't start her down a path of negative viewpoint on food and body image. It's hard enough at school, let alone at home. Reduce the foods, give her an ipod with a head set, put her in dance, take her to Jump Street, go swimming, do your walks, etc. But, whatever you do, guard her spirit and self-image. She is BEAUTIFUL at any weight and this should be about HEALTH - NOT about being "FAT." Also remember she is still growing. My son was chunky and bullied mercilessly for his weight "problem" by the kids at school. He had some bad habits and little at a time, I addressed them. I also encouraged him by telling him that he will grow and it will even out. He's now 12 and 5'5 and over the past two years, has lost 40 lbs by playing sports, making some dietary changes and the ever-encouraging puberty and noticing girls really changed his mindset. He looks fantastic and is fighting off the girls. I'm just saying .... let her be 11... help but don't damage. Good luck.

QuietBloom

OP, I applaud you for taking steps to help your daughter. Has she been evaluated psychologically? I ask this, because I was a chubby kid. Turns out I was dealing with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Back in those days, no one thought to evaluate children for those types of things. I was just labelled a 'worrier'. So I over ate as a means to self medicate. Later in life, I finally got treated, and my life changed dramatically. I had long since gotten control of my weight, but being treated for the disorders meant it was even easier for me to moderate my desire for sweets.

I agree with everyone here who cautioned about the 'good food, bad food' mentality, and banning things from the house. If she wants the sweets (needs them) she will get them and hide it from you. Then she will feel guilty, resort to secret eating and a whole host of disordered eating habits MAY ensue.

I wish you the very best of luck. Your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you. :flowerforyou:

thomaszabel

I am going through the same thing with my son. He is 8, and about 30 pounds overweight. Luckily he is concerned about his weight, and is willing to work on getting it down.

He was on a swim team, and we switched a few months ago to another one which is more intense, so he gets 1 1/2 hours of straight swimming per day (no breaks longer than 30 seconds), I put his bicycle on my indoor rollers and he rides on them 3 times a week while looping his favorite youtube videos on a computer.

But besides the exercise, we did the same thing as you as far as food. We now have no soda at home. He can have it once or twice a month when we go out to eat. I have cut out processed foods, and cut down on pasta and bread. I realized that we were way over the recommended daily allowance for pasta/bread and meat, so I cut that part of our meals in half, and replaced it with more vegetables and fruits that we were deficient in.

I did all this with his buy-in, and after checking with his doctor. He likes my MFP but can't join because of age restrictions, so I set up a daily weight log in Excel that updates a graph to show his daily weight.

So far it has been a success. We've been tracking our weight together, and he has lost almost 3 pounds in 4 weeks. That doesn't sound like a lot, but he is 8, and our goal isn't really to lose weight, but to just maintain his current weight and he will grow into it.

Bottom line is a kid has to want to take the steps themselves. You can't force the changes on them unless there is a health issue. But it is working well. He's happy that he has lost a bit of weight. And the other day there was a birthday party at school with cupcakes. He ended up bringing it home and giving it to my wife, saying that he really didn't want it.

Debbjones

(she hates all forms of exercise and because she is fat she feels self conscience about playing outside.. because children pick on her..)

My first suggestion is that you remove the word "fat" from your vocabulary. We all come to a point where we face the fact we are overweight... but "fat" is such a hateful word that will resonate negatively on her for life. And coming from a parent, the memory of the hurt will never go away (when I was young my mother told me, because I was thin, I should not think too much of myself and then proceeded to tell me my thighs looked like a slab of "Ham". Coming from a parent that spent her life obese... these hurtful words I have never forgotten, that was nearly 45 years ago.

All that said I think you are off to a great start by removing unnecessary sugars and candies from the home, encouraging walk and active play and most importantly setting a good example.

As far as suggestions, I suggest you start reading nutritional labels. The was my big awakening with food! Then prepare your own prepackaged snacks, things like fruits and vegetables. Rice cakes with a little peanut butter are a great snack for pre-teens. Peanut butter, although high in fat (you can purchase the low fat alternative) is great in moderation and provides a good amount of protein.

Again, congrats to you for taking the first step in better fitness for your daughter. Parenting is such a challenge and it appears you are moving in the right direction!

zoeysasha37

I understand completely. I have a 9 yr old that weighs 109. He's short, so is stocky. We're trying really hard to make the necessary changes, but since the weather has been cold, it's not easy at all. I didn't see your other post, but it looks like your setting a good example :-)

captmel

Unfortunately I can relate to your daughter. I was 115lbs when I was 8 years old. I think its great that you're trying to get her active. I was semi active as a kid but I think the biggest cause of my weight was what my family ate. There was rarely fresh vegetables but lots of fried foods, cheese, pasta, bread, and rice. Potatoes were a staple food. I remember my parents saying they couldn't understand why i was so big because I didn't eat that much. Now I realize what healthy meals look like and have no doubt why I got as big as I did. I weighed 225 lbs when I was 19 years old and realized it was time for a change. My parents still eat similar to then but not quite as bad. No matter how much exercise i had I don't think I could've counteracted the food.

I hated talking about my weight. It was so embarassing as a child. The more people talked about my weight (even if they thought I couldn't hear) the more stressed out i would get and I would sneak food.

I hope all goes well with her. I know being overweight as a kid was hard on me and my self confidence and self esteem growing up. If you want to ask any questions please feel free.

pattyproulx

I think you're doing an excellent job.

I don't see the big deal in labeling food as good/bad (though healthy/unhealthy might be better). Cookies and candy bars are unhealthy. There's no need to ever have them in your house. I'm not saying they should be forbidden from eating certain foods, but there's absolutely no need to give her a treat or cookie every day.

Create healthier snacks and desserts. You're better off showing her that you can eat yummy food and have it be healthy. When you're out and about, or on a special occasion, feel free to get her a treat, but there's no sense in keeping junk around and giving her some every day. That's not any better in my opinion.

I don't understand how people feel they *need* to eat junk food regularly, even if it's in moderation.

One other thing, and you might already be doing it, is to lead by example. If she's eating healthy you definitely must be eating healthy as well.

mistyloveslife

My daughter is also 11 and weighs 137. I took her to see our family doctor last fall because she gained 26 pounds from May to September. Not only is she not active but instead of eating one cookie or two like most kids, she will eat every cookie she finds. Somewhat like myself in that regard. Here's what we are doing and so far it seems to be working. It's taken us about a year to get her motivated.

1. I have forbidden the word fat to be used in our house. I hate the word and it does nothing but create negativity. While in the beginning I used extreme caution when discussing her weight, I have learned that I have to be open and honest about it with her. I don't "baby" her anymore when we discuss it but I have banned the f word from our vocabulary. She is overweight and that is a reality. She is the one who ultimately makes the final decision on her health and I can’t be there every single meal/snack etc to say she can and can’t have something. I am working hard to teach moderation.
2. We started a map from here to her grandmas house. It’s 300 miles one way. If she walks/bikes any distance, we move a pin on the map closer to grandmas. Once she’s completed the 300 miles, she gets an unplanned trip to grandmas house.
3. I created a “meal plan”. A list of things she likes to choose from for breakfast and lunch and then a snack list. She can pick one thing from the snack list and a few things for the breakfast and lunch meals. That way she has options. Cookies are on the snack list but a serving rather than the whole box. The point of this is for her to learn calories and what a “normal” day of eating should be like. I plan dinner and have tried to include her in that as well. She honestly had no idea that breaded chicken was worse than grilled because they both were chicken. Knowledge is the best weapon.
4. I had her weigh in once so far. She wrote her number on a piece of paper and put it away to where nobody would see it. That’s her personal information. She doesn’t need to obsess over the scale so her next weigh in won’t be for a month. It’s about getting healthy. Not getting skinny.
5. At the “end” of the journey, I plan to take her shopping. She loves clothes but hates to shop right now because she has to shop in the women’s section. Women’s clothing is not suitable for a child so I imagine getting back into the juniors section will be a major reward for her. We didn’t set a goal weight but decided that we would set a goal to get healthy together and once we reached our goals, we would go shopping.

I am in no means an expert but talking to my daughter and explaining these things seems to be working. Don’t make it so much about the scale but about getting healthy and learning a new lifestyle. Hearing my daughter say she was fat nearly broke my heart because I have been overweight since I was 17 years old. I don’t want her to have that same struggle. Don’t baby her about it but also remember that she’s only 11. Keep exercise fun and make it family oriented. Everybody loses sight of the goal and falls off the wagon. Just be patient and keep her motivated. Sorry to write a book. I just know how you feel and hope any input I have can help. Feel free to add me as a friend.

Mangopickle

I our house you get 4 servings of simple carbs per day. Because that is normal. For example simple carbs are grain and potato based. Typical breakfast, measured portion of cinnamon toast crunch and as much skim milk as she wants. I love the carbmaster vanilla skim cause it has 60 cals a cup 11 g of protein and tastes like a milkshake. 90 cal granola bar for snack. Lunch, 2 slice light bologna on 1 slice of whole wheat bread, cheese stick, apple, beans or lentils in one of those 1/4 tupperwares or a yogurt. Dinner 1/2cup whole grain pasta with meat and veg, she can have 2nds within reason of anything but carbs. 1 ice cream scoop of premium ice cream or full fat vanilla liberte yogurt for dessert or 2 sugar free fudgesicles or 2 tbsp dark chocolate chunks. Or 2 cup sugar free cocoa with whip cream. No restriction on fruit or raw veg. We don't keep cookies or chips in the house. Whole wheat saltines are available but everyone knows that you don't get more than 5, because that is a normal portion for a human. On track meet and chess tourney days, about 3 days a month, she gets soda, candy and chips and pizza, slushies etc.As it should be, those are party and celebration items, not normal food. And on those days she is twice as active as normal. I just focus her on what is normal consumption for a healthy human. I am not food Nazi, she gets junk food about every 10 days as I explained.

clairbowers

Thank you for sharing. My daughter, Cammie who is now 14 was in the same situation. It's a very hard thing to watch as a parent. She looks to you to be non-judgemental - whether you are or not, never let it show. I'll admit - I am and not proud of it either. As a overweight child myself, you'd think I would be eaiser to not be. But I keep it to myself. It is like walking on egg shells, say the wrong thing just one time and that's what she will remember. There are 3 sentences that repeat in my head still today from my childhood.

I'm not good at advice, and I don't generally post replies, but wanted to share that she might sooner than later be motivated to change on her own. Let her figure that part out for herself. What we can do as parents is stock the pantry with less chips and none of those easy to grab munchies. Also don't waste money on stocking the frig with carrots and such - odds are she won't eat them. We found that just learning not to snack was the key Yeah I know we are supposed to eat 5 meals a day, but these are kids. And Cammie still gets potato chips in her lunch - I'm not depriving her, LOL. It's a bit more expensive than packing a ziploc of chips, but the pre-package lunch size chip bags also keep portions in check.

May I suggest signing up for a 5kColor Run. If one comes close to your area -sign up! It's a blast. Don't worry about running - for the majority of people participating Color Run it's their first 5k ever. I would guess there are more walkers than runners overall. It's not a timed event. The Color Run totally changed my daughters outlook on exercise. The fun is dressing up in running gear, add in a hot pink tutu and wild socks - and enjoy the post race "color" party.

Good Luck to you and your daugther!

_HeartsOnFire_

I'm not going to address any of the issues but one. By labeling foods as good and bad you are setting her up to fail. It's good to be knowledgeable about nutrition, but by 'banning' some foods from your house, you will be setting her up to binge on the foods she craves. Trust me, she will find and succeed in getting these foods sooner or later. It will also encourage secret eating.

It's a learning experience to eat healthy. Do it together. Talk about the benefits of eating well 80% of the time and leaving some room for treats in moderation. If you can help her learn this - she will have a mighty tool in her tool belt for being a healthy weight in adulthood.

This!

Also, I was once in your daughters shoes. I think getting her outside walking is key. I know they do have things for Wii and Xbox, and I'm not knocking those because a couple years ago I used a Wii to start my fitness journey, but I think kids spend too much time on those things anyhow (not speaking of your daughter) so I think getting her outside is a great idea. I also think making it family time together is awesome.

Seriously, kudos to you for stepping up and putting your foot down. I wish I had that when I was a kid. I had a traumatic event turn me into an emotional eater, but I think if that had been really caught and my mom put her foot down and did what you are doing, things would be a lot different for me today. I am NOT saying it's her fault, I chose to shove food in my mouth.

I definitely agree don't label foods as good or bad. It's about moderation NOT deprivation.

Debbjones

2. We started a map from here to her grandmas house. It’s 300 miles one way. If she walks/bikes any distance, we move a pin on the map closer to grandmas. Once she’s completed the 300 miles, she gets an unplanned trip to grandmas house.

WOW what a GREAT idea! Just imagine the motivation this spurs... once she achieves her goal try switching it out. Maybe map the distance to an amusement park (I live in Southern California, so the first thing that comes to my mind is Disneyland!)... what a fabulous suggestion!

:-)

RenewedRunner

Here is my problem with "my kids don't like exercise." Stop calling it exercise. Find something fun. My youngest son doesn't like to run (breaks his mother's heart lol). But I signed them up to start rock climbing at a local climbing gym. He LOVES it. And it is a great workout. He also likes to do yoga with me (as long as we don't tell people so shhhhhh). But he isn't going to go do laps around the track for fun and giggles. Though I am his mother, and sometimes he doesn't get a choice. He is 10, he lives in my house, and if I run the track, I tell him I expect him to at least walk it a few times, even if it is slowly and he wears his headphones. He doesn't love it but he isn't going to be scarred for life from doing it. And he can go kicking and screaming or he can go without that but bottom line-he is still going (and the kicking and screaming will get you grounded in my house). He doesn't get to just sit on the couch and watch TV or play games. Sorry, thems the rules in our house.

But we also talk about serving sizes and protein and sugar and calories. If the boys want some chips, they get one serving size. It is cute to watch them count out 15 chips. Though yesterday I came home and the entire box of Goldfish crackers were demolished in a day between the two of them. It is a battle sometimes. Sometimes I lose. Luckily they both take after their father and he has the world's fastest metabolism. If I didn't love my hubsand so much I would hate him...

Kenazwa

I disagree with most. I think there most definitely are bad foods that have no place in your home, much less in your body.

Congratulations for recognizing there's a problem and being proactive to solve it.

Elsie_Brownraisin

I'm aware that I'm going to come across as callous and rude, but I'm very surprised that no-one has expressed similar sentiments to your post or some of the replies received.

In what way does the need for change have to come from a child? An 11 year old child? A 12 year old child? They do not buy or prepare their food, nor do they choose the majority of family activities. They are minors, they should not be handed the burden of wanting to change their diet, activity levels or anything else related to their lifestyle. It is an abdication of parental responsibility to put the onus on them at all.

I am a parent and my child is not overweight, so I cannot offer practical advice about this I'm sorry, nor can I imagine the difficulty of the task ahead of you. But I'm just confused about the logic of wanting the child to change their mindset first. Mine has his own difficulties and has to be dragged (literally) kicking and screaming into doing things that in the long run are for his own good, but he is the child and I am the parent. I try to be as democratic as possible, but his health is my responsibility, not his.