Husband Is Mad I Am Fat
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The question you might want to ask yourself, and then him is "What was that all about?"
His attack on you makes me wonder what is really eating him.
There is an old saying, so old it might be new to you.
"If it's not your sh**, just duck."0 -
I'm gonna play a bit of devil's advocate here -
Perhaps something is going on with him making him snap at you. I've been with my SO for 15 years as well and I find that when he has a "what do you do around here anyways?!" moment that he's not mad at me, it's something else. Be it something at work, with his family, etc. I'm not saying that it's right for him to snap at you cuz he's stressed but I know I do it to him as well. I don't mean it but he's in the crosshairs being home.
Just a thought but I find when someone is being a jerk there is often a reason more behind it than what we can see on the surface.
Just a thought.0 -
I'm gonna play a bit of devil's advocate here -
Perhaps something is going on with him making him snap at you. I've been with my SO for 15 years as well and I find that when he has a "what do you do around here anyways?!" moment that he's not mad at me, it's something else. Be it something at work, with his family, etc. I'm not saying that it's right for him to snap at you cuz he's stressed but I know I do it to him as well. I don't mean it but he's in the crosshairs being home.
Just a thought but I find when someone is being a jerk there is often a reason more behind it than what we can see on the surface.
Just a thought.
That's what I was trying to say. 0 -
Sorry to hear you're going through all that. I understand the part of not being able to find time for yourself. I am a stay at home mom and cannot find time to work out, so I can imagine how much harder it is to find time when you're working and being two parents five days a week. The stress alone will not help you with weight loss!
I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 22 pounds in three months just by counting calories, so if you can do that, you should be able to see some progress. Try calculating TDEE minus 20% to get the calories you need for weight loss (or less than 20% if you want to lose weight slower). I do not log my foods, and I never count the calories in non-starchy vegetables. I drink water, coffee and whole milk. Lol, and there are plenty of times when I do go over the amount of calories with either pizza or ice cream, but I don't sweat it too much, I just try to do better the next day. I eat everything, I don't have a list of bad foods, but I do try to limit desserts (my weakness) and I drink coffee without sugar (I don't like artificial sweeteners). I am not saying that these are the things that will work for you, but maybe you can find a tip or two that will help you with weight loss? Different things work for different people, and I'm sure other people will let you know what worked for them as well, so out of all that you can maybe find what could work for you.
And as far as your husband is concerned, it is sad that after two kids his priority when he is home is your weight. I've had men and women 'commenting' about my fat *kitten*, too. But at the end of the day it's your (or my) fat *kitten* and if you'd like to lose the weight, make sure you do it for you and for your children, not for your husband. And if he still feels like he needs to fix something, then he should start with himself. I don't know the guy, but nobody's perfect, especially the people that have a constant need to put other people down just so they can feel better about themselves.
I wish you good luck! Try to de-stress, and take care of yourself and your children. You will lose the weight, eventually, but do it for yourself :-)0 -
I'm so sorry you're losing sleep over his bad attitude. Sounds like he's not too happy with his OWN life right now and is reflecting. If you are going to lose weight it has to be a personal thing that you do for yourself, not to please him. The reverse is just as true. If you choose not to try to lose weight it shouldn't be to spite him.
The best way to get even is to succeed despite his efforts to bring you down. You can do it. You don't need his approval or disapproval.
Edited to add: Take good care of yourself. It's hard to live with a person who is in a negative head space. Have a nice hot bath and cuddle up with a movie or a good book. You will soon be asleep.0 -
:huh: Don't give up on your health just to spite your husband, that's ridiculous. If you want to stay together, just talk to him. If you can't "just talk to him" then WTF get a divorce.
He might just be taking out his anger upon you. It's not the appropriate way for him to treat you anyways. It could be something else that's eating him inside. Just a thought. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself no one else. Maybe talk with him when the atmosphere is a little bit cooler. Try talking about it and working things out not everything these days is about DIVORCE.0 -
Dont get me wrong but men very rarely understand the pain of running the household and think that is cake walk.My husband is very understanding regarding other matters but the only thing we fight about is the household chores,he simply says why can't I do it.I tried to drill it into his head that im already doing too much out of my capacity.
what helped what in a paper really write down your daily chores and times you spend in each and show it to him.Seeing it physically in paper can help getting the point across.
On a different note,you can try taking the stairs or cutting a few calories or a soda or make smart substitutions in your food to get the weight loss started and workout when you can.0 -
I'm sorry to hear that your husband isn't being more supportive. Two things to keep in mind might help:
1. Whatever your husband says and does is about him, and the things going on in his head, and not necessarily about you.
2. You get to choose your reaction. No one can make you feel bad unless you give them permission. It's much more difficult to brush off hurtful words from someone close to you than it is a stranger, but it helps to remember #1. What he said is about him, not you.
I don't know what your work schedules are like, but just as a suggestion, you could take this approach: Sit down with a smile and say you've been thinking about what he said, and you would like to get back to a healthy weight, and you appreciate his concern for your health. Then tell him that the best way to do this is to join a class/gym/etc. (be prepared, do your research for what's available in advance). Make sure this occurs at a time that is workable by having him take care of the kids/house, even if it's only once or twice a week. Not only will this allow you the time you need to work on you r health, but it will also give you an established time away from the hectic work/kids stuff, and it will allow your husband time to fully participate in the household chores and child rearing, and his participation might give him a greater appreciation for what you do, not to mention he will be actively supporting your journey back to health rather than just complaining to you.
As I said, I don't know your schedules, so this may not work, but at the very least he should be able to take over kid duty on his nights off so that you can take a walk or bike ride or something.0 -
Ok I'm going to just come out and say it.
WHY are you with someone who obviously doesn't respect you? What a jerk. I would not be putting up with that nonsense. I suggest you set him straight and don't continue to allow him to treat you this way. This has nothing to do with you losing weight or what he thinks of your weight. It's all about how you're allowing him to treat you. I sincerely hope everything works out for you.
Keep in mind you arent getting an unbiased option. Everyone paints themselves in a good light when trying to get people to side with them in a disagreement.
This.0 -
So sad to read how many people think you should dump your husband and get a divorce because of him acting like a jerk. There is no need to throw him away over something so simple.
Just lose weight. Men are visual as we all know, and he fell in love with a super-model thin woman. There is no reason you can't try to maintain close to that. It truly isn't fair to men. It sounds superficial to woman, but it is important to men. I'm not saying you need to look exactly like you did, but you owe it to your marriage to look as good as you can. If you aren't putting a good effort into the way you look, the romance is going to (and seems to have already) fizzle.
I know you say you don't have time, but that is just an excuse. You may not have time to go to the gym, but you certainly have time to watch what you eat, you just don't want to.
Okay okay, you can feel rebellious if you want, go ahead, the choice is yours. You are then headed to divorce.
Or, you can simply eat less calories, get healthier, feel better, be a good role model of health for your kids, and reignite the spark between you and your husband. It's as simple as controlling your calories.0 -
Dont get me wrong but men very rarely understand the pain of running the household and think that is cake walk.My husband is very understanding regarding other matters but the only thing we fight about is the household chores,he simply says why can't I do it.I tried to drill it into his head that im already doing too much out of my capacity.
what helped what in a paper really write down your daily chores and times you spend in each and show it to him.Seeing it physically in paper can help getting the point across.
On a different note,you can try taking the stairs or cutting a few calories or a soda or make smart substitutions in your food to get the weight loss started and workout when you can.
I have been married for 51 years so I am talking about ancient history here. Once our kids were in school, I worked full time. I was also in charge of the kid and the housework. My husband cooked a lot. (That's why we've lasted half a century.) Still I remember being away on a work related conference and arriving home to find that DH had done the weekly house keeping tasks. (once in 50 years but I appreciated it.) When we sat down to debrief, he told me in total amazement that it had taken him 4, yes FOUR hours to vacuum, wet mop floors and clean the bathrooms. We'd been married 25 years at this time. He was astonished. He hadn't done any laundry because he didn't know how to work the washer. Ironing, of course, was out of the question. He hadn't stripped a bed because he didn't know how to make one but he had tried and he was truly surprised. I didn't rub it in....another reason we are still married.0 -
Dont get me wrong but men very rarely understand the pain of running the household and think that is cake walk.My husband is very understanding regarding other matters but the only thing we fight about is the household chores,he simply says why can't I do it.I tried to drill it into his head that im already doing too much out of my capacity.
what helped what in a paper really write down your daily chores and times you spend in each and show it to him.Seeing it physically in paper can help getting the point across.
On a different note,you can try taking the stairs or cutting a few calories or a soda or make smart substitutions in your food to get the weight loss started and workout when you can.
I have been married for 51 years so I am talking about ancient history here. Once our kids were in school, I worked full time. I was also in charge of the kid and the housework. My husband cooked a lot. (That's why we've lasted half a century.) Still I remember being away on a work related conference and arriving home to find that DH had done the weekly house keeping tasks. (once in 50 years but I appreciated it.) When we sat down to debrief, he told me in total amazement that it had taken him 4, yes FOUR hours to vacuum, wet mop floors and clean the bathrooms. We'd been married 25 years at this time. He was astonished. He hadn't done any laundry because he didn't know how to work the washer. Ironing, of course, was out of the question. He hadn't stripped a bed because he didn't know how to make one but he had tried and he was truly surprised. I didn't rub it in....another reason we are still married.
It's amazing how much gender roles have changed with newer generations. I would never put up with this, but I remember my mother doing exactly the same thing. She did all the cooking, cleaning, and most of the child rearing before my father died, so she was well-prepared for doing it all alone afterward.
It saddens me that women are still expected to do it all, while maintaining perfect hair and manicured nails.
But for the OP, those are all things that you'll have to work out with your husband over time, and perhaps with counseling. The place to start, right now, tonight, is to know that what he said to you was about him, not you. There are things going on in his head, and the way he's dealing with them is to put himself above you in whatever way presented itself...in this instance, your weight.
I know that in the process of venting on this forum you've probably given a biased picture of what's going on, but from the sound of it you guys do have some things to work out. Try to do so with as much empathy and humor as possible. Try to get at not just what he's saying, but why he's saying it. It may not be as clear-cut as it seems.0 -
You have two separate issues:
1) Him not helping enough with the kids , job or whatever, so the biggest burden falls on you. This has nothing to do with your weight or health, it has to do with whether this marriage is "fair" and how this makes you feel. And you need to solve this regardless of whatever else happens in your life as a couple.
2) Even if this is not what most people in your place want to hear, appearance matters. I do not mean th extra 10 kilos or the stretchmarks or the normal age changes. But, when he met you, you looked a certain way, and this is what made him attracted to you. If this has dramatically changed, not because of age or health issues beyond your control, and e.g you have doubled in size and seem to not care about it, it is not fair to expect him to ignore how you look. He might still love you, but he cannot force himself to like you. It is more honest and better for your marriage for him to tell you how he feels, so you have a chance to decide if you care or not, than him e.g. just pack his bag and leave without even telling you why or him resenting your looks in silence.
And before someone says how everybody changes with age, based on your posts and profile, you have gone from a supermodel body to someone who needs to lose about 200 lbs and you are only 30. This is not the same as your husband complaining you have no longer a flat tummy, or a bikini body. You are a different person.0 -
Sick. Dracarys!0
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Going from supermodel to 200 pounds overweight isn't even a tiny bit fair to him. Of course he is lashing out about it. That is a HUGE amount of weight to gain and expect him to be happy with. You have completely let yourself go. I would be mad too if I were him. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest.0
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My husband doesn't need to tell me that I am fat, I know that I am fat. I would get very mad if he would insult me in anger. Mine hints here and there but never throws it at me in anger or to hurt me. He wouldn't have a nice life if he did...
I don't know your husband, did he change suddenly, or was he always unsatisfied with whatever it is he is telling you now?
There are a million reason why he is behaving like this. If it is a sudden change, I would be very wary is all I can say.
One more thing... If your children are 7 or older, it is time to do some chores! start with small stuff 0 -
Hi all, I dont normally post on here, but felt I had to for this one as I was in exact same situation almost 7 years ago.
My advice is, lose weight for yourself, get supermodel slim again, happy, even more beautiful that you are now, then..............
.......... dump him!0 -
A lot of this advice to dump him must be coming from younger people and esp. those without kids. Don't do that.
The other thing here is you've gained too much weight and first and foremost, your health is at risk. He has reason to be frustrated. You must do this for yourself though.
AND has he gained any weight since you two married?0 -
OK, so perhaps my comment earlier was a little cheeky, but it does rile me to see any man treating his wife this way. If you wash and cook for him, then perhaps one weekend after he comes home, drop the kids on him and go out for a walk, and dont do his washing/ironing or dont cook him any meals. When he complains, just say that you are making an effort to be more healthy, and if that is what he wants, that is how its going to have to be. Might make him think before making stupid comments like he has.0
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I don't really want to touch marital issues I don't feel like its my place but if you want to lose weight then portion control doesn't really take any time at all so if you are way to busy to do anything you can always still exercise portion control. If you are eating emotionally perhaps you could find a more healthy outlet (I know easier said than done).
The way you phrase this post it seems like this was recent pressure that your husband exerted on you but yet you joined MFP several months ago posting that you wanted to start losing weight. Does that mean you came to this initially on your own or at some point had decided to start regardless of weather or not you were getting pressure from your husband?0
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