Husband Is Mad I Am Fat
Replies
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I'm going to play devil's advocate and say you're looking for an excuse to stay the way you are. I'm busy too; full time job, single parent, 3 kids. I make it happen. It's what you do when you want it bad enough.
^^ This.
How does that saying go? "Those that want it will find a way, others will find an excuse"0 -
1. My husband met me when I was thin too but still loves me now that I'm fat. he's supportive and not cruel. That's how partners should be. He didn't volunteer (he works nights and weekends and I too am basically a single mom), but when we sat down and talked about what i needed from him to make this work, he stepped up.
2. Those are all excuses. Not placing blame because I've been there too. But he's right, there is always time. I would waste time sitting in front of the TV instead of work out. You can do it at home so you don't have to pay for a gym if money is tight. I know someone on here who has lost 95 pounds and her only form of exercise is walking.
3. Weight loss is really about putting less calories in your mouth than what we burn in a day. No extra work required, just watching what we eat.
Good luck and like others have posted -- I hope he was having a bad, tough spot in his life and that he's not always like that. However, if he's always like that then you have to make the choice of whether it is worth it.0 -
Having Kids does not make you trapped!!!! it simply makes you responsible for children I had my eldest son with an actual bully he was physically abusive I lost weight and left , either do something about it or stay they are your options and whats to say you lose weight and he finds something else that makes him unhappy? or maybe he is merely a tired man been at work all week and had to hear you moaning on about how fat you are.
My poor Fiance he says im beautiful and I show him how many inches I can pinch I really think you should say "when you say......it makes me feel......" and see what he says because I bet he responds with well don't moan your fat then!
Either way you are the 1 who needs to figure it out I really hope you do because moving on with children is tough I know only too well but life is way too short to be miserable.0 -
you should be mad that he's lazy and sounds like a bully.
Be happy in your own skin and **** everyone else.
Her husband speaking the truth about how HE FEELS makes him a bully?????
Wow, just wow............I can't.
No, belittling her and making her feel worthless makes him a bully....
Plot twist..
What if he is actually concerned about her health but just has really poor communication skills?
Remember, we are hearing one side of the story, not both.
I highly doubt the OP is a perfect angel in all of this.
We should cut down on the emotional reactions and leave this thread be.
None of us should give advice on something we don't have all the facts on.0 -
you should be mad that he's lazy and sounds like a bully.
Be happy in your own skin and **** everyone else.
Her husband speaking the truth about how HE FEELS makes him a bully?????
Wow, just wow............I can't.
No, belittling her and making her feel worthless makes him a bully....
I don't see where him stating his feelings that she let herself go is belittling her. That is not bullying.
No one can make another person feel worthless. Only YOU (as a person) can make you feel worthless.
If someone being honest and saying, Hey, your fat and need to lose weight is bullying - then that is saying that married persons can't be honest with their own spouse.
Your spouse is the ONE person in this world you should be able to say anything to being honest.
No one should have to walk on egg shells around the other person just not to hurt their poor little feelings.,
Grow up, life isn't fair and the TRUTH hurts sometimes. GROW UP!!!0 -
Like others have said, counseling.
I feel that there are underlying issues within the relationship. Although I'm a believer in partners trying to remain attractive to each other, there are circumstances (AKA yours) in which it's just not possible for a woman or man to maintain their perfect figure while all the responsibilities life has thrown at them.
However, some suggestions that fit both of your interests, and make both parties feel happy and understood:
Cook healthy, lower calorie meals for the family. This can help you lose weight without even trying very hard, and you must feed those kids anyway! :laugh: They don't need as many calories as they get in today's times, so no worries about them starving to death.
When you're not working, how about going to the park or taking a walk with your kids? You'll be able to get quality family time with them as well as getting in exercise. Playing soccer, pushing them on the swings, walking, anything. You'll burn calories without even noticing.
When cleaning, put a bit more pep in your step. Do small leaps, wiggle around, take the longer way around the hall. use the stairs in your home to your advantage.
Pre-plan your meals. If you do this, you'll control your caloric intake as well as make things easier on yourself when going to and from your jobs and taking care of the kids.
Lastly, make sure your husband isn't sitting with his feet kicked up drinking a beer and scratching his gut. If you're going to lose weight and be healthy, so is he. Don't expect from your partner what you yourself aren't willing to give is my motto!0 -
I'm also disgusted about all of you talking about how she shouldn't post this on here... relationships VERY much effect our eating and health habits! And who cares if it is a one sided representation SHE is part of the MFP community and I am constantly astonished how you people are so quick to put someone down rather than lift them up especially when regaurdless of the circumstances it seems she gets enough of that at home!!!
I'm disgusted with the lack of personal accountability/responsibility.0 -
wow. i would still try to lose weight and when you look better then he does go ha i cant do it? huh? well sir i did it and not for you but myself and my kids. Prove the jerk wrong and better yourself in the process. Good luck.0
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There's no doubt you are feeling upset, hurt, angry. Anybody in the situation you have described would feel that way (I certainly would). One question you should ask yourself is why did you put on such a lot of weight in the first place. It sounds like you have not, unlike many others and myself included, had a life long weight problem from childhood. If you were supermodel slim at one time and have gained 187bs why did that happen?
The most important thing in this is for you to be happy, healthy and the best you can be for yourself and your family because if you are the best you can be and healthiest you can be you will find it so much easier to cope with life. Being fat in this world is not easy. You feel tired, sad, your confidence goes, you can lose yourself somewhere in that weight. People make all sorts of judgements about you when you are fat - "you are lazy, you are greedy, you are stupid." I've heard them all in my life. Are you depressed and eat out of comfort? Are you bored with life and eat without even thinking? Do you think you do not matter and that everybody else does? Despite the brutal way your husband has said it don't let that stop you from doing the right thing for yourself. You are still a young woman (not a 50 year old bat like me).
I have 100lbs to lose myself and I know how hard it is to do that, how impossible it seems. It is a long term goal and cannot be done quickly. You need to get yourself a plan, something you can live with, in fact something your will keep for the rest of your life. Control your calories so that you have a deficit, work out things you like to eat, meals you can make yourself quickly and with no fuss. You don't need to do massive amounts of exercise, just try to be more active during your everyday life, walk as much as you can, take stairs anything just as long as you don't keep sitting. The only thing you need to do is put some effort in and make a plan, do it for you. There are plenty of people on here who will give you support, advice, help and the benefit of their experience. You can add me as a friend if you like.
My guy said to me about a year ago that he was concerned about my weight, not because of how I looked but because he was worried for my health, that he couldn't bear it if I got sick and gently encouraged me to do something about it. I was quite shocked by this, you get accustomed to how you look, sort of pretend to yourself that you look OK. I suddenly realized that I was being quite selfish, that my weight affected his life too, that I was making him worry.
As far as your husband is concerned well that's up to you to decide. In the end being mad will not achieve anything and will make you feel bad. If you sat down and talked with him, told him he hurt you by the way he spoke to you but anyhow you do want to lose weight and you are making a plan to take control of your health. Say you will need some help and support will be able to see from his reaction if he is worth keeping in your life. If he is pleased and gives you encouragement, support, love and understanding through the whole process then as far I am concerned, he would be a keeper. If he is just not bothered and only concerned with himself and what you look like then I would question whether I would want him in my life any more and you might be better going it alone, you do seem to be doing that at the moment anyway. Sorry to go on so much but I could see how upset you were and I know how you are feeling. Good luck x0 -
1) Don't let a man or anyone else make you feel bad about yourself... he should lift you up... not tear you down. There's some work that needs to be done there. I have always had a little bit of extra weight... and my hubby tells me I'm beautiful all the time.. but totally supports my new lifestyle and tells me all the time how proud he is of me living healthier and losing weight.
2) That being said... No offense... but If we took a poll here... 99% of the people would have 1000 reasons why they don't have time to work out. But.. most of them find the time.... because that's what you have to do. Don't you make time to brush your teeth and take a shower? Your health is just as important.... so you should make time to squeeze in 20min of exercise. Besides, Weightloss is 75% food. So... you don't have time to dedicate to a workout... you have to eat right? Make the decision to make better choices and eat at a deficit and you'll lose. While you're cooking dinner, do lunges.... do you have stairs in your home? Try to go up and down a few more times than usual. When you go to the store, park at the back of the parking lot so you have to walk further. You can fit in 15min of exercise somewhere if you tried. But you can't do it for your husband.... it has to be for you.... and if all you can do is find more excuses... you don't want it bad enough.0 -
I would be re-evaluating the relationship if that was happening in my house!
Once you have kids, you are more or less trapped.
Wow. No.0 -
As a woman, I am ashamed at how so many women let their emotions rule their lives.
No wonder there are so many unhappy husbands that go around cheating on their wives. They can't say anything without the wife getting their poor little feelings hurt and then have to broadcast it to the world for all to see so all other women jump on the bandwagon and burn the poor guy at the stake.
Men shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells not being able to express their feelings to their spouse. Even if the truth hurts.
SMDH.0 -
I'm also disgusted about all of you talking about how she shouldn't post this on here... relationships VERY much effect our eating and health habits! And who cares if it is a one sided representation SHE is part of the MFP community and I am constantly astonished how you people are so quick to put someone down rather than lift them up especially when regaurdless of the circumstances it seems she gets enough of that at home!!!
I'm disgusted with the lack of personal accountability/responsibility.
I
you!!! 0 -
Actions You Must Take Today To Grow Insanely Big Balls AKA Thick Skin....0
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Losing weight is easy.*
Making the choice to do what it takes to lose weight can be hard.
The question is why have you not made that choice?
As far as the issues with your husband are concerned, having heard only one side of the story I can't really comment. But it sounds like you need an open and honest conversation and/or counseling. It's not realistic to expect that you will stay the same size for the rest of your life, but if you've gained a significant amount of weight I can understand that being an issue, as it can affect your health and quality of life. Love my boyfriend, but if he gained 50 or 100 pounds or more, I'd be mad too.
House chores are not terribly time-consuming, but when both people are super busy, it's easy to let that go. You may want to look into hiring someone to clean your house a couple of times a month. Costs money, but it's one less thing to stress about.
Bottom line is that there are solutions to your issues. Go find them and put them into place.
(* - I understand that some medical conditions make losing weight harder, but generally it is easy if you are doing what you need to do.)0 -
You will get many "leave him"s and "see a counselor", but my husband is like that also. I'm sure deep down inside somewhere you two truly love each other, just don't see eye to eye sometimes. I think they work all the time, come home and it looks the same so they assume we haven't done anything but sit on our tushies. Of course we know otherwise, but how is he to know what goes on at home when he's not there or whatever he is doing, may it be sleeping or watching TV. I also am like you in that if somebody says I can't do something I don't even bother with it because I don't have their support. Losing weight takes a lot of effort and is hard to do when your spouse doesn't support or even makes it harder.
I'd say do what you need to do for YOU. Don't let his words discourage you, besides you are losing weight for you, not him. If you need to make a set schedule to add exercising in, then do it! You could sit down each night or week and figure out what all needs done, then pencil in exercising. Even if you just take a short walk with the kids after dinner, that's better than nothing. I'm sure they'd love to get out and explore their neighborhood!
I hope I helped, and if you'd like to be friends, because it sounds like we are one in the same, I'd glad to be!
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I'd love to hear the other side of this story.
This.
And I especially enjoyed the replies that suggested a man doesn't deserve a wife who stays in shape unless he makes enough money that she can stay home and work out and have plastic surgery. You people are nuts.
This...I mean really...lots of people have kids, jobs, housework etc and a husband who works and is away a lot...but they manage...
I personally was a single mom for 14 years, worked 50 hours a week, kept my house clean, gardens tended, flowers planted, had a great social life etc and managed it all and lose weight...(put it back on after I got married)
And if we were to hear his side of the story I suspect it would go something along the lines of...
"she is always complaining she is over weight and fat but wont do anything about it and I am sick of hearing about it...if you don't want to be fat stop eating, start movng more etc".
All true. To be honest, after I reading the first post the first thing I thought was "...Yeah, but how fat did you get?"
We have the power to change ourselves. The OP got married to someone and now, because of time, kids, life, whatever other reasons is vastly different looking than she was when they met. If he is no longer attracted to her because she's obese, that's not his fault. He could maybe be kinder about how he goes about telling you how he feels, but maybe he's close to the "straw that broke the camel's back."
My point...I got my biggest after marriage...hit my top weight of 205...
I took the power to change because I am a priority to myself and I want my husband to look at me as a sexy wife, not as a doudy fat blob...
I can actually empathize with the husband...even tho I was the one that got fatter...if my husband got "too big" I would be blunt and tell him..hit the weights buddy...
Absolutely. My boyfriend and I both had gotten well past the "few extra pounds" around the holidays this year and we were both honest with each other. "We're fat and need to change." It's harder on one person when they are the only fat one, but I'd rather have honesty than someone blowing smoke you know where.0 -
Bottom line...hes acting like a jerk and a spoiled brat. Go on vacation....without him....and let him deal with things the way you do for a couple of weeks.0
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I said this on another thread and I'm going to say it again even if it's unpopular. But here I go, the devil's advocate.
In my opinion, "for better or worse" isn't a free pass to make huge negative changes in your body and have your spouse stay silent. Yes, pregnancy and illnesses and stuff that truly is out of a person's control happen. But barring those temporary changes, I believe that spouses owe it to each other to maintain a similar (or better) standard of physical appearance throughout the relationship. Aging happens, and ten pounds/grey hair/sagging skin/whatever happen. That's not what I'm talking about. But if you gain 30, 50, 80, 100 + pounds, stop grooming yourself well, and expect your partner not to have an issue with it, I think that's crazy.
Physical attraction is a big part of relationships. It's not everything but it does matter, and if your partner isn't attractive to you anymore because of something that can be easily changed, that's really not okay...and frankly, in my opinion, it's kind of asking for infidelity and/or divorce. It absolutely goes both ways, too.
So...yeah. I'm not going to go much further into it, but I did want to say that I really don' t think maintaining one's appearance to a reasonable standard of what it was when you met is a fully unreasonable request. I'm fully cognizant that most women don't stay 120 pounds and perfectly manicured their entire lives, but neither do they all put on dozens of pounds just because they've had kids.
I'm not intending to attack the original poster here, I just wanted to point out that her husband isn't alone in these feelings and isn't necessarily a bad guy. I don't think that he went about it in the best way and I don't think complaining about the house etc. at the same time was a smart move, but I do understand the frustration behind it and can see why it might have been said.0 -
I hope my current relationship never ends, but if it does I pray that I never end up dating 99% of you in this thread.0
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As a woman, I am ashamed at how so many women let their emotions rule their lives.
No wonder there are so many unhappy husbands that go around cheating on their wives. They can't say anything without the wife getting their poor little feelings hurt and then have to broadcast it to the world for all to see so all other women jump on the bandwagon and burn the poor guy at the stake.
Men shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells not being able to express their feelings to their spouse. Even if the truth hurts.
SMDH.
x1...
A good relationship is one of open communication where you can trust your partner...if you can't tell your spouse how you really feel without being burned at the stake who are you gonna tell???? Yup that's right the one who wont judge you for your feelings...I often tell my husband stuff he may not want to hear but we have a great relationship because of it...and he tells me too...hmm trust, love and open communication.
And to the ones who are saying just break up...no wonder the divorce rate is so high...do you not take your vows seriously...he expressed how he is feeling...so she should kick him out...
SMDH too.0 -
I hope my current relationship never ends, but if it does I pray that I never end up dating 99% of you in this thread.
hehe the one's you would wanna date wont be single...kind of kick in the pants isn't it...so yes stay in your relationship cause this is what is out there.....0 -
Folks, FYI, there is such thing as abusive spouses. I don't know this guy, so I can't say. But no man, woman, or child deserves to be put down, called names, or made to feel like they are less of a person simply because they are carrying some extra weight.
That being said, If she wants to lose weight, she should do it for HER, not for HIM.0 -
As a woman, I am ashamed at how so many women let their emotions rule their lives.
No wonder there are so many unhappy husbands that go around cheating on their wives. They can't say anything without the wife getting their poor little feelings hurt and then have to broadcast it to the world for all to see so all other women jump on the bandwagon and burn the poor guy at the stake.
Men shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells not being able to express their feelings to their spouse. Even if the truth hurts.
SMDH.
Yeah, I don't get along with most women...frankly because they annoy the crap out of me (as most of the responses on this thread have).
OP - this is a diet and weight loss forum. If you want relationship advice from internet strangers you can go to the chit chat section.
As far as your diet and weight loss problem, I stand behind my original comment: eat at a calorie deficit. Period.0 -
Thanks for the empathy. Wow.0
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I'd love to hear the other side of this story.
This.
And I especially enjoyed the replies that suggested a man doesn't deserve a wife who stays in shape unless he makes enough money that she can stay home and work out and have plastic surgery. You people are nuts.
No my suggestion was based on if he wanted to maintain a perfect-looking trophy wife for the rest of his marriage, that's what it would take. Everyone, fit or otherwise, ages. We do not all have the genes of Sophia Lauren. So he needs to accept that his wife at her best NOW may not be the underweight supermodel type she was in her late teens or early 20s.
Now, should she look her best? Yes. But she needs to do it for her, not him, or she won't be successful.
Should she leave him? No.
As for the time management, I fully understand. I work from home 60+ hrs a week, have 2 kids, and handle close to everything here. I slept a total of 4 hours a day at one point. But I joined the gym at the Y which has a lot of kid-friendly things, so I don't always need my husband to watch the kids. This could be a great option for the OP.
And yes, we all know there are plenty of women that are Super Women and can do it all, and props to them and all respect that they can do it all and look fantastic. We are not all that way, and it's not always from lack of trying.
I had someone tell me once that if I just took care of myself and ate right, that my skin would glow and my hair would be gorgeous again, and accused me of being fat and lazy and that's why I was losing my hair. Yep, that was it - not the chemo drugs :ohwell:
In any event, she needs to think "healthy" not "rail thin". Once she gets FIT and gets some confidence in small achievements perhaps that'll translate to her husband seeing her differently. He could just be doing a bad job at reverse psychology. Or he maybe thinks honesty's the best policy.
Either way, to see true results, the OP needs to do this for herself and no one else.0 -
I hope my current relationship never ends, but if it does I pray that I never end up dating 99% of you in this thread.
hehe the one's you would wanna date wont be single...kind of kick in the pants isn't it...so yes stay in your relationship cause this is what is out there.....
You would be in the 1%, I know nothing about you, but everything you post has substance and/or validity. I enjoy reading your posts and you are one of the few who keep me sane on this site.0 -
Sounds like financially you guys are in over your heads. And finances are the main reason for divorce since NOT having enough money to furnish a lifestyle leads to longer work hours and/or needing another job. Reducing your debt would help free up some time.
And I do agree with most that counseling is probably a good step.
I will be the first to say that 2 jobs, kids and a lazy husband really aren't an excuse to not take care of yourself since I have several clients that do it now.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
As a woman, I am ashamed at how so many women let their emotions rule their lives.
No wonder there are so many unhappy husbands that go around cheating on their wives. They can't say anything without the wife getting their poor little feelings hurt and then have to broadcast it to the world for all to see so all other women jump on the bandwagon and burn the poor guy at the stake.
Men shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells not being able to express their feelings to their spouse. Even if the truth hurts.
SMDH.
x1...
A good relationship is one of open communication where you can trust your partner...if you can't tell your spouse how you really feel without being burned at the stake who are you gonna tell???? Yup that's right the one who wont judge you for your feelings...I often tell my husband stuff he may not want to hear but we have a great relationship because of it...and he tells me too...hmm trust, love and open communication.
And to the ones who are saying just break up...no wonder the divorce rate is so high...do you not take your vows seriously...he expressed how he is feeling...so she should kick him out...
SMDH too.
Your exactly right.
I know my husband and I sometimes say things to one another that other people would be severely butt hurt and heading to divorce court over it.................
Sometimes when your upset and it doesn't seem like the other person cares, the words just don't come out right.
The difference is.........my husband and I will go stew over what the other one said, then come back and talk about it.
We both called each other fat. That is right, my husband and I both stated to one another that we have become lazy fat *kitten* and so have our dogs (except for the new puppy) and we need to change that and become the active people we once were.
We use it as motivation to make ourselves better, not only for ourselves, but for our spouse also.
My husband has loved me from the day he met me unconditionally. He never once stated that I had to lose weight or else. He has loved me at 125 pounds and at 298 pounds and every where in between. He always stayed attracted to me also............
BUT, does that mean he doesn't yearn for me to be the smaller version of myself that I once was???? He does and he tells me. I know he gets more attracted to me as I lose weight because he gets more touchy feely............
I am the same with him.0 -
What a prick, talk with him divide the chores, ask him to do the chores see how long it takes him, find time for yourself even if it's just to make you feel better. When you look smoking hot if he still insults you leave the ignorant ****er. Good luck dealing with this, I have a very lazy partner too, I feel your pain.0
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