Husband Is Mad I Am Fat
Replies
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Thank you, toofatnomore. Setting aside the fact that I need to lose weight, the way husband talks down to me is not acceptable I think. He comes across as being better than me. It is rubbing off my son, who is learning to insult me. I know I should not dig my
heels in out of spite. I very much want to start losing weight. It is very discouraging though when your husband tries to shame you Ito it. My attitude is, screw him. I spend all weekend cleaning the house and he still calls us all slobs. He is a perfectionist with his head up his *kitten*. I feel rebellious against losing weight even though I know that is wrong and hurtful to myself.
Him saying these things to you seems disrespectful to me.
Airing your relationship issues online and getting strangers on side against your husband seems disrespectful to me.
I think both of you need alot more help than you can find here. I'd wish you luck, but you dont need luck, you need good hard work to get through this from both of you.0 -
+1No, pretty sure I NEED sex.
Also, if my SO went from "supermodel thin" to needing to lose 187 pounds, even over 15 years, I'm pretty sure I would be screaming at him every day to lose weight. That's not an aesthetic concern, it's a major health risk. At that point, you're endangering yourself, and it's not fair to him.0 -
Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".
If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important than her weight, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.
We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are.
"For better or worse" swings both ways. If he is supposed to stick it out even when she gains 200lbs, then shouldn't she stick it out even when he acts like a jerk because she gained 200lbs?
I don't think anyone is putting the blame completely on her shoulders. But she is the one posting for advice... so shes going to get the advice. If he were posting and telling the story I would tell him to speak to his wife in a more sensative manner. And sure, he should love his wife if she is 200, 300, 400lbs overweight.... but that still doesn't exclude her responsibility to take care of herself... for herself and for her marriage.
Yes, it swings both ways - marriage is hard work, and both parties need to take responsibility for actions/situations that undermine that. However, the post I was responding to, re-posted below (and its' adherents), basically says that the problems in her marriage are all her fault, and all because of her weight. I don't buy that, and I'm frankly alarmed to see how many people - young women, for the main - agree. Doesn't say much for our societal view of marriage that so many people seem to believe that a woman's main responsibility in a relationship is to look good.So sad to read how many people think you should dump your husband and get a divorce because of him acting like a jerk. There is no need to throw him away over something so simple.
Just lose weight. Men are visual as we all know, and he fell in love with a super-model thin woman. There is no reason you can't try to maintain close to that. It truly isn't fair to men. It sounds superficial to woman, but it is important to men. I'm not saying you need to look exactly like you did, but you owe it to your marriage to look as good as you can. If you aren't putting a good effort into the way you look, the romance is going to (and seems to have already) fizzle.
I know you say you don't have time, but that is just an excuse. You may not have time to go to the gym, but you certainly have time to watch what you eat, you just don't want to.
Okay okay, you can feel rebellious if you want, go ahead, the choice is yours. You are then headed to divorce.
Or, you can simply eat less calories, get healthier, feel better, be a good role model of health for your kids, and reignite the spark between you and your husband. It's as simple as controlling your calories.
The poster acknoledged that he was acting like a jerk. Then gave HER a solution. I don't think she needs to try to go back to supermodel days... but she still needs to lose close to 200lbs. From the information the OP has given us, her weight is a problem in their marraige. Maybe it shouldn't be... but it is. Why not fight hard to resolve this problem. This is advice to HER not to him. If he was posting, and recieving it would sound as though he was completely to blame. The OP has recieved tons of advice about how big a jerk he is.. Great. Here are the possible solutions and what SHE can actually control: 1) Get a divorce. 2) Do everything you possibly can to save your marriage, including lose weight. In the end, it may still result in divorce. But at least she can say that she fought for it and look back with no regrets.
I think I love you. Well said!!0 -
Thank you, toofatnomore. Setting aside the fact that I need to lose weight, the way husband talks down to me is not acceptable I think. He comes across as being better than me. It is rubbing off my son, who is learning to insult me. I know I should not dig my
heels in out of spite. I very much want to start losing weight. It is very discouraging though when your husband tries to shame you Ito it. My attitude is, screw him. I spend all weekend cleaning the house and he still calls us all slobs. He is a perfectionist with his head up his *kitten*. I feel rebellious against losing weight even though I know that is wrong and hurtful to myself.
So what do you want to do, besides ***** on the internet? Counseling? Divorce? Obviously it is NOT acceptable. Has he always done it? Has something changed? Why? Doing things to spite your PARTNER is not how you fix marriages.0 -
Thanks for the empathy. Wow.
There are plenty of folks on here who are showing you empathy, but in my opinion, you were looking for sympathy.
Guess what? My husband isn't happy that I got fat after we got married and NEITHER AM I!! I put on 50 lbs in a short time and 10 years later, I'm working my butt off so that I can lose that 50 lbs plus more!
I say my husband isn't happy, but I don't mean he's mad, and NO he has NEVER said anything to me about it. But I'm not stupid! I gained 50 flippin pounds!!!! He should be disappointed if he really loves me because it's MY HEALTH!!!! Him and I made a vow to stick together through sickness and health, and blah blah blah, so if I put my own health in jeopardy because I MADE THE CHOICE TO BE LAZY and not do anything about the weight when I started to put it on he has EVERY right to be upset in my opinion!!! Stop crying about it and do something about it! Put your energy towards something postive.
High Five!!!0 -
Thank you, toofatnomore. Setting aside the fact that I need to lose weight, the way husband talks down to me is not acceptable I think. He comes across as being better than me. It is rubbing off my son, who is learning to insult me. I know I should not dig my
heels in out of spite. I very much want to start losing weight. It is very discouraging though when your husband tries to shame you Ito it. My attitude is, screw him. I spend all weekend cleaning the house and he still calls us all slobs. b He is a perfectionist with his head up his *kitten*. I feel rebellious against losing weight even though I know that is wrong and hurtful to myself.
And you think that attitude isn't rubbing off onto your son? What else is your attitude about food, health, fitness and relationships teaching your children?0 -
Ditch him and make him pay the earth in child support and then look after yourself!0
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This might have been said already ( didn't read every post)
But... I know when I put on some weight... I get down on myself... I start to lose self-confidence.. i start to lose my zest for life.
In saying that, when I get that way -- in relationships I've also been less loving, withdrawn, even *****y!
I know it's MY own problem , but I let my mood and attitude revolve around my self-confidence, and I have actually pushed away partners because of this. It's not their fault, there's only so much they can do, right?
If this is the case, ALL i can say is DO IT FOR YOURSELF. NOT HIM. (Obviously your'e on here, like we all are.. . so you're not 100% happy with your current weight , either.)
In making yourself happy, for yourself
you will be able to clearly decide your next step!
Also, your husband might see that confident and self-assured person and realize ( on his own) how his comments both hurt, yet affected you.
Good Luck!0 -
Ditch him and make him pay the earth in child support and then look after yourself!
^^^^^^^ Worst advice ever. ^^^^^^^^^ unless of course you plan to live on child support, Government support, food stamps, HUD, Section 8, etc. By all means jump into that generation after generation cycle.0 -
You. I like you. Well said, and I can't agree more.There are plenty of folks on here who are showing you empathy, but in my opinion, you were looking for sympathy.
Guess what? My husband isn't happy that I got fat after we got married and NEITHER AM I!! I put on 50 lbs in a short time and 10 years later, I'm working my butt off so that I can lose that 50 lbs plus more!
I say my husband isn't happy, but I don't mean he's mad, and NO he has NEVER said anything to me about it. But I'm not stupid! I gained 50 flippin pounds!!!! He should be disappointed if he really loves me because it's MY HEALTH!!!! Him and I made a vow to stick together through sickness and health, and blah blah blah, so if I put my own health in jeopardy because I MADE THE CHOICE TO BE LAZY and not do anything about the weight when I started to put it on he has EVERY right to be upset in my opinion!!! Stop crying about it and do something about it! Put your energy towards something postive.0 -
Thank you, toofatnomore. Setting aside the fact that I need to lose weight, the way husband talks down to me is not acceptable I think. He comes across as being better than me. It is rubbing off my son, who is learning to insult me. I know I should not dig my
heels in out of spite. I very much want to start losing weight. It is very discouraging though when your husband tries to shame you Ito it. My attitude is, screw him. I spend all weekend cleaning the house and he still calls us all slobs. He is a perfectionist with his head up his *kitten*. I feel rebellious against losing weight even though I know that is wrong and hurtful to myself.
I think you meant to say, "it's rubbing off ON my son"........0 -
By being rebellious and not losing weight because you don't want him to think you did it for him, you are allowing his actions to dictate your behavior. If you want to lose weight and be healthy, do it. Don't use him as an excuse. If this story is exactly how you told it, he sounds to be disrespectful, but take a minute to look at his side also. Maybe he feels under appreciated as well. I'm not saying that speaking to you in that manner is acceptable, but think about the things you probably said in response to him, were they totally respectful? I'm sure it's hard to be away from home so much and not get real quality time with your family. If taking care of yourself is important to him, you should work on it, you two should be a team and both of your needs are important.0
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Thank you, toofatnomore. Setting aside the fact that I need to lose weight, the way husband talks down to me is not acceptable I think. He comes across as being better than me. It is rubbing off my son, who is learning to insult me. I know I should not dig my
heels in out of spite. I very much want to start losing weight. It is very discouraging though when your husband tries to shame you Ito it. My attitude is, screw him. I spend all weekend cleaning the house and he still calls us all slobs. He is a perfectionist with his head up his *kitten*. I feel rebellious against losing weight even though I know that is wrong and hurtful to myself.
I'm sure your son will eventually learn to pick up your spiteful attitude and health habits too and be a well-rounded clone of his parents.0 -
Thank you, toofatnomore. Setting aside the fact that I need to lose weight, the way husband talks down to me is not acceptable I think. He comes across as being better than me. It is rubbing off my son, who is learning to insult me. I know I should not dig my
heels in out of spite. I very much want to start losing weight. It is very discouraging though when your husband tries to shame you Ito it. My attitude is, screw him. I spend all weekend cleaning the house and he still calls us all slobs. He is a perfectionist with his head up his *kitten*. I feel rebellious against losing weight even though I know that is wrong and hurtful to myself.
I'm sure your son will eventually learn to pick up your spiteful attitude and health habits too and be a well-rounded clone of his parents.
Perhaps he will learn to disrespectfully air dirty laundry out on in the Internet like his mum and take no accountability for anything.
Honestly this is why I got rid of my facebook and social media accounts, people get so out of control with them. Does he have any idea you are doing this? Man alive, that's pretty low.
There is a time and a place. *kitten* talking your HUSBAND on a website to complete strangers... I might get some flack for this, but shame on you. And shame on you for saying his attitude is rubbing off on your children. What about what you do?
If you are seriously in a bad situation where you can no longer be with someone, don't post it all over the Internet. Get out, and be strong. 'Use that rebellious' side to take some control back. As far as I can gather, you are an equal player in the problem (IMO - reading between the lines) - no one has to agree.0 -
MFP is one of the worst places to ask for relationship advice. People will answer emotionally, especially if they have had a bad experience with a SO.
I would say grow up and communicate with the person causing you strife. I won't comment on his behavior because this is one sided and I think if we were to have his side there would be very different comments.
I couldn't have said it better. I would never seek relationship advice on here (and most of the responses here support that decision). The one to talk to is your husband.0 -
Wow, what a hot topic. :indifferent:
Putting your relationship aside, because really, this is just to much. Weight loss, no, it is not easy, but you have to do it, no one else can do it for you. You need to make a life change. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it is great you can handle it. If you really want to lose weight, you are going to have to make time for it. Stay calm and look into your lifestyle. Maybe cut some in your budget for a gym or a babysitter.
I aim to make my change a lifestyle change that I can keep no matter what happens in my life. I never want to go back to being a person who does not care about my body's health. I do not care about stress, depression, whatever. I want to keep this up, so I might have a longer life.
And as far as the slob statement, in some places in the world, it is consider slob-like to gain lots of weight. It just shows you are not making the effort for your self. I might hate this label, but I do agree with it. I am a slob when it comes to myself. I am working to better this.0 -
It's horrible that your husband says those things to you, but it's also horrible that you bad mouth him on online. I used to be the same way about 8 or 7 years ago in my late teens. I would complain about my husband on myspace when I was upset. Then he sat me down and explained that he hated it. He wouldn't (and still doesn't) even complain about me to his friends or family because he would never want them to form a bad opinion about me. (Yeah...I know...what a mature, sweet man I have.) When we have a problem we go to each other about it and there is no need to share it with the world. You either need to talk to your husband about these things and stand up for yourself or talk to a therapist.
I personally would never stay with a man who talked down to me like that and called me lazy or fat, but that's because I've been to the promised land and I KNOW how a great man should treat his woman. My husband has never even so much as called me a name...ever.0 -
You. I like you. Well said, and I can't agree more.There are plenty of folks on here who are showing you empathy, but in my opinion, you were looking for sympathy.
Guess what? My husband isn't happy that I got fat after we got married and NEITHER AM I!! I put on 50 lbs in a short time and 10 years later, I'm working my butt off so that I can lose that 50 lbs plus more!
I say my husband isn't happy, but I don't mean he's mad, and NO he has NEVER said anything to me about it. But I'm not stupid! I gained 50 flippin pounds!!!! He should be disappointed if he really loves me because it's MY HEALTH!!!! Him and I made a vow to stick together through sickness and health, and blah blah blah, so if I put my own health in jeopardy because I MADE THE CHOICE TO BE LAZY and not do anything about the weight when I started to put it on he has EVERY right to be upset in my opinion!!! Stop crying about it and do something about it! Put your energy towards something postive.
Thank you! I'm here all week! :happy:0 -
I'm not going to comment on the relationship aspect of the post.
The "excuses" you have for not losing weight are just that: excuses. Working full-time, commuting, keeping house, paying the bills, taking care of kids -- you are probably talking to most people on MFP. And keeping the weight for spite? Really?
It truly sounds like you not ready to address your weight issues and are looking for people to side with you because of your "hard life". Take a few positive steps....see a doctor to see if there's a medical reason for your weight gain, figure out how many calories you should be eating and stick to that, figure out how to fit in a little excerscise. If things were different and you had no kids or one job or no house to clean, would you wake up and say "now I have time to lose weight?" I doubt it. If you are serious about losing weight, you'd be be posting about ways to fit it into your busy life.0 -
I'm not going to comment on the relationship aspect of the post.
Smart.
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I'm not going to comment on the relationship aspect of the post.
Killjoy. I just broke out the popcorn.0 -
It's horrible that your husband says those things to you, but it's also horrible that you bad mouth him on online. I used to be the same way about 8 or 7 years ago in my late teens. I would complain about my husband on myspace when I was upset. Then he sat me down and explained that he hated it. He wouldn't (and still doesn't) even complain about me to his friends or family because he would never want them to form a bad opinion about me. (Yeah...I know...what a mature, sweet man I have.) When we have a problem we go to each other about it and there is no need to share it with the world. You either need to talk to your husband about these things and stand up for yourself or talk to a therapist.
I personally would never stay with a man who talked down to me like that and called me lazy or fat, but that's because I've been to the promised land and I KNOW how a great man should treat his woman. My husband has never even so much as called me a name...ever.
Amen sista,
My SO NEVER talks about me to his friends or blasts me on the Internet and I love him for it. He has taught me so much about communication, taking the high road, and dealing with personal issues personally!
It's so easy to run off and complain, poor me, poor me, poor me. It just makes it worse and gives you a way to rationalize your own behavior and feel more concrete that you MUST be right.
Problems are inevitable. Spouting them to the world in a sympathy bid doesn't help.
The more private I have become (with the right things) the better my relationship has been. Eliminate the drama and focus on YOU is my recommendation to the OP. You have a long road back to being in a committed, thoughtful relationship (on both sides of the fence).0 -
I would never talk about him to anyone I personally know. I am anonymous on this site. It helps sometimes to be able to write about issues and gain some advice and support during a bad time. As far as sympathy, I hadn't thought that was what I was trying to gain from posting. Feeling sorry for oneself is sometimes justified and healing. Wallowing in pity for an extended length of time is harmful of course.0
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I would never talk about him to anyone I personally know. I am anonymous on this site. It helps sometimes to be able to write about issues and gain some advice and support during a bad time. As far as sympathy, I hadn't thought that was what I was trying to gain from posting. Feeling sorry for oneself is sometimes justified and healing. Wallowing in port for an extended length of time is harmful of course.
Maybe its my military training and I think differently, but feeling sorry for ones' self is never healing and shouldn't be justified. It just hinders progress.0 -
From when you got married till now, did you gain or loose any weight? I understand that having kids may cause you to gain a bit of weight but I wouldn't think enough to make him snap at you like that.0
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Are you mad at him because he is an *kitten*?
That's marriage for you.0 -
And,you're mad cause he lays around the house and doesn't help.
I think you're both under a lot of stress because of all the responsibilities you have and it is coming out in these ways.
What works for us is to attack the problem and not attack the person. So, to say: Listen, I'd love to make healthier meals and join a gym, but I can't do that if I have to come home every night and make dinner and clean the house. There just isn't enough time in the day.
And, then, maybe saying: I was thinking of a few solutions...let me run them by you: 1) we could cut back on some things and hire a weekly cleaner 2) We could devote 3 hours each weekend as a couple cleaning the house. 3) We could do 1 or 2, and we could start taking walks together after dinner as a couple...spend sometime together just the way we did before we got married.
I've been married for a while, and those first few years after having a family were the worst of our marriage. You never realize how much work it is until it all seems to fall on you.
You can work it out!0 -
Are you mad at him because he is an *kitten*?
That's marriage for you.
Wow, I'm awfully sorry that's what marriage is to you, if you are serious. That's seriously sad.0 -
Not reading all 11 pages, so if this has been mentions, sorry. but remember, we're only hearing 1 side of the story.
What type of work does your husband do? Is he a hard worker that provides well for his family? What type of shape is he in? When he is home, does he help out w/ any chores for you?0 -
So sorry you have a husband who finds it easier to put you down than lift you up ... Sounds like my ex ... Sit on his butt while I'm running around working and taking care of the house and the 4 kids and implying I don't do anything... Finally every time he opened his mouth to put me down I would tell him to take his face out of the mirror before speaking to me.0
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