Wow...Really? *VENT*

mandasalem

I'm a catty B, so I'd be tempted to tell her "Having a demon mother-in-law is more of a deterrent to potential husbands than my weight, so let's have our annual chat about your fire-breathing insanity." Holy COW.

FitMama2013

If you aren't already, you may want to consider seeing a counselor to talk about this. My mom treats me differently than your mom, but she plays a significant role in my food issues and that's not something you can move on from easily without talking to someone who can help.

seltzermint555

I have not read any of the other responses because I don't want them to color my own response, which is advice that is coming from my gut and very strongly -- so please take it with a grain of salt if it's not right for you.

I would write her a letter. Not a long one...maybe 1 page.

In it, I would explain in the letter that you are a healthy, happy, secure individual and she has had a hand in raising the woman that you are which you are very proud to be. I would tell her that when she nags about your weight, it doesn't help at all and actually discourages you and makes you feel (insert the way it makes you feel). I'd also - gently yet firmly - let her know that you really want to have a good mother/daughter relationship but you feel this issue is standing in the way, and at the end of the day it is YOUR body and your health and your business.

I feel this will set the tone for the future in case she gets even crazier about this and you have to distance yourself from her. She sounds somewhat toxic, but I also think she sounds like a controlling yet caring mom who is having trouble cutting off that apron string from you. I didn't check your age but your photo looks very young so I assume that she's still dealing with having you out of her constant "control" when you were younger? Just a guess.

Good luck to you!!!

Cameron_1969

Your mom's ridiculous. You look fine to me. .

Of course, I don't know your mom. .but I doubt her underlying motivation is YOUR happiness. .Mistreating your daughter doesn't really facilitate her happiness. . oddly enough. .

So. . try to feel sorry for HER. . it's hard to get your feelings hurt by people you feel sorry for . . Maybe suggest she get professional help for these feelings of inadequacy she is suffering from. .

dbanks80

I am sorry but that is so F'ed up. As much as I love my mom if she was like that with me we wouldnt be talking. I have to get toxic people out of my life. That is toxic energy that is only going to hurt you and not help you. Is she saying this to help you or make herself look better as a mom?

tekhipee

There comes a time when you decide not to let other people control your feelings, well being, and life. This does not mean that you have to love them any less. You only have control over 1% of your life (YOU!). You cannot control the other 99%. As many have mentioned, she obviously has a personality disorder which will never change without serious counseling and humility on her part.

Turn the tables and move on with your life. Offer your help. She obviously is struggling with something much greater than you.

I think the best response next time she makes a snide remark is this. "Mom. I am beautiful. I work hard to keep myself healthy even if my weight doesn't reflect your ideal image perception. I am smart and happy. I am accepting that I may need to work harder to stay fit then others. Perhaps you should take a deep look at your reflection and ask yourself why you are projecting your expectations of "perfect" on me and apply them to your own insecurities. You are obviously unhappy about something. You are my mom. I love you. I will happily and wholeheartedly support you on your journey of healing."

If she replies in a offensive or angry way, just tell her you love her and ask her about her day.

Fullsterkur_woman

Genetic contribution does not entitle someone to access.

Most of my family of origin is out of the picture because they have nothing to offer me but unhealthy relationship. No thanks, I'd rather be alone than put up with bad behavior.

LC458

My mother is nothing like this (thank God) but my sister-in-law has a daughter (ten yrs old) and is constantly badgering her about her weight. The young girl is overweight but I don't think poking and pinching her stomach in front of a room full of people is the answer. As someone who struggled with anorexia I could never do or say such things to my future children. My sister-in-law told me that she has put her daughter in soccer (something she should have done yrs ago versus telling her how big her arms have gotten) and rather than telling me how much her daughter likes the sport, if she's made friends, or things like that she tells me "oh and she's finally lost some weight." I didn't comment on the weight at all and said "I hope she likes it (soccer) and is having fun". No child should have to suffer the pain of their mother picking on them, the world will do that enough.

snappyapples

This is how I, personally with my relationship with my mom (which sounds very different from yours) would deal with this situation:

"Mom, I know you're trying to show your concern and that you want the best for me, and I sincerely appreciate it and you. However, you are being incredibly hurtful in how you're going about this. I am working on loosing weight for myself, not for anyone else because if they can't accept me for the wonderful person I am, they aren't worth having in my life. If you can't support me in a more positive manner, I'm just not going to talk to you about this anymore. I need people who support me in my life, and if you can't be a big enough person and a caring enough mother to see and adhere to that, I don't know how our relationship is going to fit into my life. I love you very much, and it pains me to say that, but you raised me to be strong and to stand up for myself; it's a shame I need to stand up to you right now, but I will not compromise my health and happiness with your toxic attitude. So either shut up about me needing to loose weight or risk further straining our already strained relationship."

Good luck!

Dragonwolf

"Well...are you doing anything about it"
I missed the part of where you answered.. well are you?
What are you doing
What are your goals.

See if you have these talking points..then the conversation is only 5min, watch.
Dear your fat, what are you doing about it.
well Mom, I am going to the Gym for 30 min burning 300 calories a day. Reducing my calorie intake to about 500 calories a day.
Its a long process don't expect the results to be over night.

See how quick that was.

Or better yet, "mom, you're a b*tch. What are you doing about it?"

The OP is an adult, it's not really any of her mom's business what she's doing about it, especially when the mother is being judgmental about the matter.

"Honey, I'm concerned for your health and wellbeing due to your weight. Is there something we can do to get healthy, together?" (or something along that lines) sends a far, far different message than "you're never going to get a decent job or get married, because you're so fat" (which has undertones of "no one's going to love you or want to be around you, because you're fat"). The former is concern, even if it comes out awkwardly, the latter is just abusive, plain and simple.

bkjk997

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I think you're beautiful. Your mom sounds dysfunctional enough that if my mom were like that, I would even consider cutting ties with her. That's really abusive. Best of luck.

ehmadore

Personally I think you look great and don't need to lose anything.

My mother is also loves to point out my flaws...and my sisters. Luckily we live thousands of miles away which helps our relationship tremendously. I have to constantly remind myself that her feelings are her feelings and that they have nothing to do with me. Sorry!

THECaptainObvious

I don't want to diagnose your mother, but sometimes it can help us to understand their dysfunction. She sounds narcissistic to me. It might help if you tried to emotionally detach from her. I don't mean to cut her out. You can have a relationship with her, but you can't count on her emotionally. Don't turn to her for support and learn to tune her out. Try not to put her before yourself. If she gets upset, let her deal with it. A book that I found helpful is, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss

This! Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my dad... Realize it's not you that has a problem, it's her... whatever that is she shouldn't be honing in on stuff that you're clearly working on. Unfortunately it won't change but if you spend alot of time during the week talking or seeing eachother, cut back as much as you can.

BinaryPulsar

Your mom's ridiculous. You look fine to me. .

Of course, I don't know your mom. .but I doubt her underlying motivation is YOUR happiness. .Mistreating your daughter doesn't really facilitate her happiness. . oddly enough. .

So. . try to feel sorry for HER. . it's hard to get your feelings hurt by people you feel sorry for . . Maybe suggest she get professional help for these feelings of inadequacy she is suffering from. .

This is a good point!

Also, even though I'm not the OP, I just want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences and opening up about this.

It's odd how some people are just misguided in such a weird way. When I was 15 or 16, I was a dancer and I looked great. I weighed 98 pounds. I have a more curvy figure than my mother (accentuated by my very small waist). I'm just shaped differently than my mother. My mother told me that I was getting curvy and going to have big thighs and would probably struggle with weight my whole life and that I needed to stop eating like a teenager. I was at a very sensitive point in my development. I had been through severe sexual abuse by my former stepfather and had learned to view myself in a sexual way (that my value was only in my sex appeal), and also had difficult feelings about growing and developing curves. I did think I was fat. I wasn't at all. And I was doing good to learn to see developing curves as attractive. But, when she said that, issues that I'd been battling since I was 5 years old (wanting to be small and disappear) really began to express in terms of my deciding to eat next to nothing and exercise as much as possible. I dropped down into the 80 pound range and the consequences on my health at that time were physically very difficult to cope with. I realized on my own that this was not what I wanted for myself. I wanted to be strong and healthy. I wanted to embrace my body, even though it was developing sexually. And not to diet my curves away, down to skin and bones. I've been physically and mentally healthy ever since. But, I had to do that on my own. I could not count on my mother to help. She did the opposite. And I don't want to talk badly about her, or blame her, or be too harsh on her for her mistakes. I know that she never intended me harm, and she just made mistakes. And she really believed she was helping me to prevent me from a life of weight struggles (although I don't understand how she was able to think that). She focused a lot on my appearance. And we had our issues with this further along as well. It's in the past now and I am a full grown woman, with children of my own. But, I reflect on my past experiences, so that I don't ever pass down those same types of dysfunctions and instead do my very best for myself and my own daughters. And being a mom to my own daughters has been so incredibly restorative and healing for me. I know that my mother does better when she knows better. She is doing the best she can. But, she has her own issues. I have been hurt by her very much, in a much deeper way than I would want to explain here. But, I forgive her. That doesn't mean that I would ever give her my full emotional trust.

Losing_Sarah

Sorry you are going through this. My mom and dad used to pester me about my weight, too. It started around puberty when I went from super skinny to just a little bit husky. It made me feel bad and like a PP said happened to her I also became a secret eater and by the time I graduated high school was a 16, and only continued to gain into adulthood. I ended up being super morbidly obese by the time I was 35.

My dad quit saying stuff a long time ago, but my mom continued up until a couple years ago. She would not listen to my words, so I wrote her a letter after a heated phone call (we don't live in the same town, but close enough to do day trips to visit). Anyway, I was harsh telling her that while I understand that what she says is coming from a place of love that it doesn't help one bit and actually hurts a lot. I also told her that growing up her tactics to get me to lose weight only harmed me. I ended the letter by saying that I needed a break from her and when I was ready I'd call. (We are close and talk multiple times a week at the minimum)

I didn't call her for about a month. It was super hard on her and I felt bad for that, but we had a great talk when we did re-connect. She has never said anything since and is only says supportive things now.

I hope it all works out for you. Here comments are pretty dang rude/mean.