Asking my boyfriend to lose weight...without hurt feelings!
bunnerfly
Posts: 197 Member
Let me just say that I love my boyfriend, and would stick with him no matter the weight. He was on the chunky side when he and I first got together, but that's ok with me.
However, over the last several months, he has put on a lot of weight. It's because he eats out at least once a day, it's always junk food, and it's always a pretty large amount. He's also a pretty big pop drinker. This has also affected my own weight because sometimes it is easier to say, "yeah let's go get something on the way" rather than make something at home. That's something I've worked hard at fixing, and aside from what I gained from my cycle, I've actually lost about 6 lbs so far, but his eating habits have remained, and it's getting hard to deal with. Even our sex life is affected. He pretty much squishes me. (Sorry, tmi)
He has expressed interest in working out and will say he wants to go for walks etc... But when it comes down to it, he doesn't go.
We have actually argued a couple of times over how expensive eating out is, and since he also smokes a pack a day, he's dropping approximately $400 a month on fast food and cigs.
I realize he's a grown man, and can make his own choices, but I worry about his health. Diabetes runs in his family, not to mention the smoking. I don't want to nag him, I don't want him thinking I'm no longer attracted to him, but I would like a healthier boyfriend. Not only for his sake, but for my own health as well.
Any advice?
However, over the last several months, he has put on a lot of weight. It's because he eats out at least once a day, it's always junk food, and it's always a pretty large amount. He's also a pretty big pop drinker. This has also affected my own weight because sometimes it is easier to say, "yeah let's go get something on the way" rather than make something at home. That's something I've worked hard at fixing, and aside from what I gained from my cycle, I've actually lost about 6 lbs so far, but his eating habits have remained, and it's getting hard to deal with. Even our sex life is affected. He pretty much squishes me. (Sorry, tmi)
He has expressed interest in working out and will say he wants to go for walks etc... But when it comes down to it, he doesn't go.
We have actually argued a couple of times over how expensive eating out is, and since he also smokes a pack a day, he's dropping approximately $400 a month on fast food and cigs.
I realize he's a grown man, and can make his own choices, but I worry about his health. Diabetes runs in his family, not to mention the smoking. I don't want to nag him, I don't want him thinking I'm no longer attracted to him, but I would like a healthier boyfriend. Not only for his sake, but for my own health as well.
Any advice?
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Replies
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Come up with some healthy recipes and then maybe you can go grocery shopping together and cook together. You can package the food you made into tupperware containers for on the road. I also find it is helpful to clean and cut up my fruit as soon as I bring it home, then it is quick and easy to grab when you need a snack.0
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You can't make a man do anything he doesn't want to.
Share your concerns with him, and be an example, but that's about it.0 -
The best advice I can say, is start doing the cooking. If there's dinner made before he can even say "Let's go out" - he will likely eat in......though granted, that'll leave less time for the 2 of you together.....since you'll be stuck cooking while he's out.....errrr......eating.....but if he comes home from work, and there's dinner on the table, he will be less likely to want to go out to eat.....just maybe....0
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Come up with some healthy recipes and then maybe you can go grocery shopping together and cook together. You can package the food you made into tupperware containers for on the road. I also find it is helpful to clean and cut up my fruit as soon as I bring it home, then it is quick and easy to grab when you need a snack.
We've done that. He had access to ready-made meals and stuff, but left them at home or sometimes in his truck, lol. He's starting to get nervous about my weight loss too. He keeps telling me not to lose too much (I'm currently 45lbs over my highest "allowable" healthy weight) and is acting strange over the whole thing. Like, he was totally ticked off yesterday when we had made plans to go for a walk when he got home, but when he got home he wanted to take a nap. We had storms moving in, so I asked if he could take a nap after the walk, which would have only been 30-45 minutes due to the weather. He got frustrated, and told me to just lay down with him and take a nap. I told him no thanks, and went on my own.
He warned me in the past that he was VERY prone to being a couch potato, and we are both working a lot, so sometimes all we want to do is sit on our butts! That's not getting us to a healthy place though, and I am trying to make that change.0 -
LOL you sound like me a couple years ago. My husband was a serious smoker and was gainign weight, as was I. I was also pregnant at the time. Just letting you know my experience here. I nagged him by giving him every reason why he should quit and make himself better. I let him know how much it was costing us in money and in health. He would argue with me and I would end it by saying something along the lines of "well, someone's gotta care about your health". He would argue back telling me that if he quit, he would just take up another habit because that's just the way he is. I explained to him how will power works and that there were other things more important than his smoking or junk food. After a few months of this he finally quit smoking and took up chewing. He traded one bad habit for another, but at least this habit wasn't affecting our kids with the second hand smoke. He eventually gave up the chew also. Then he gained more weight due to needing candy all the time to stop chewing. Now, a few months ago he decided enough was enough when I told him we couldn't have sex anymore until I could either lift him or he lost weight. I had started working out long before he did so he had that little bit of motivation. My husband is also one of those types of guys that will eat a deer slug for breakfast before ever admitting thawt his wife was stronger than him. I know you don't want to nag and it may not be the best practice for your relationship. My husband has aolways said the only way he'd ever leave me is if I cheated on him so I could do or say whatever I wanted, short of that, and he'd stick around. This statement got rid of all the eggshells I ever walked around him and made me stand up for us. Two years of nagging and now he's tobacco free (great for the life insurance policy) and he's lost 20 lbs the last couple of months. The sex life has gotten better too. He can still lift more than me. LOL0
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The best advice I can say, is start doing the cooking. If there's dinner made before he can even say "Let's go out" - he will likely eat in......though granted, that'll leave less time for the 2 of you together.....since you'll be stuck cooking while he's out.....errrr......eating.....but if he comes home from work, and there's dinner on the table, he will be less likely to want to go out to eat.....just maybe....
Haha! This is where some of our most frustrating conversations have come in!! I will make dinner almost every night I can, and he'll come home and say he isn't hungry because he ate a huge lunch or ate on the way home. A couple of hours later, he's raiding the pantry for snacks.
I'm sorry for sounding like a nagging old crone, I really don't nag at him like this, but it's really starting to bug me, and I don't want it to fester into resentment and trouble.0 -
You're not alone but the truth is that there's nothing you can do about it. Heck my husband bought a stationary bike (well, I bought it, after he suggested we get one), he did it the first three days... now nothing in the last two. Basically there's nothing I can do about it until he's ready to do it (and he's older than me, on three different meds, always complaining about his blood pressure and headaches it causes him, and not doing a damn thing about it).
So yeah, I sympathize.0 -
Survey says:
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Let me just say that I love my boyfriend, and would stick with him no matter the weight.
Stress this part first, and often. Then anything else you say will go over a lot better, at least it will if he believes you. It's probably not a fun conversation to have regardless, though. As others have said, stress health over appearance.0 -
Survey says:
I don't understand the relevance of your gif. Should I avoid talking to him about it? Tell him he needs to stop? Dress in Roman garb, stand on the kitchen counter and give him a thumbs down every time I see him go for a bowl of ice cream?0 -
Let me just say that I love my boyfriend, and would stick with him no matter the weight.
Stress this part first, and often. Then anything else you say will go over a lot better, at least it will if he believes you. It's probably not a fun conversation to have regardless, though. As others have said, stress health over appearance.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being least important and 10 being super important, I gauge appearance at about a 3. I can hear his health problems getting worse. His snoring, wheezing, getting out of breath on walks... It's worrisome.0 -
You're not alone but the truth is that there's nothing you can do about it. Heck my husband bought a stationary bike (well, I bought it, after he suggested we get one), he did it the first three days... now nothing in the last two. Basically there's nothing I can do about it until he's ready to do it (and he's older than me, on three different meds, always complaining about his blood pressure and headaches it causes him, and not doing a damn thing about it).
So yeah, I sympathize.
At least we can co-sympathize! I'm hoping that the more active I get, the more active he will get. He actually loves hiking and being outside, and is so much fun and loves playing around, but he seems to forget when Netflix comes on, haha.0 -
Let me just say that I love my boyfriend, and would stick with him no matter the weight.
Stress this part first, and often. Then anything else you say will go over a lot better, at least it will if he believes you. It's probably not a fun conversation to have regardless, though. As others have said, stress health over appearance.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being least important and 10 being super important, I gauge appearance at about a 3. I can hear his health problems getting worse. His snoring, wheezing, getting out of breath on walks... It's worrisome.
None of those sound like a good sign of health at all! Hopefully he will want to do something about it soon. At least he'll have your support when he does.0 -
I totally empathize with your situation. For me, it was the opposite, my husband stayed healthy and fit and I gained 35 pounds after we were married. Some of that was from having a baby, but a lot of it was just eating unhealthy and not working out. Unfortunately, until I was ready to do something about the weight gain, no one could have convinced me otherwise. Be patient and I'm sure he'll eventually realize it. Now I'm 4 pounds from the weight I was when we got married and hope to be 20 pounds lighter than that soon!0
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You aren't going to change him until he is ready to change. So do your own thing. Plan most of your meals so you eat at home even if he wants to "get something on the way". If he doesn't eat what you make that is his problem, not yours, you now have lunch for tomorrow too.0
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If any guy said he wanted his girlfriend to lose weigh this thread would become a nightmare. If he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him and shouldn't try.0
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Well not much to say about the cigarettes. That is a hard thing to stop someone from doing if they want to.
As for fast food, I would suggest just cooking healthy all the time. When it gets close to lunch or dinner, just start cooking something. That way when he says "lets go out" you can say "But I've already made something"0 -
Let me just say that I love my boyfriend, and would stick with him no matter the weight.
Stress this part first, and often. Then anything else you say will go over a lot better, at least it will if he believes you. It's probably not a fun conversation to have regardless, though. As others have said, stress health over appearance.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being least important and 10 being super important, I gauge appearance at about a 3. I can hear his health problems getting worse. His snoring, wheezing, getting out of breath on walks... It's worrisome.
None of those sound like a good sign of health at all! Hopefully he will want to do something about it soon. At least he'll have your support when he does.
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Leave him alone or dump him. If he wants to be fat, let him be fat.0
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How about some kind of a reward system - like say if you save enough $$$ from eliminating eating out that you can plan a trip somewhere or buy something you both want.
Just incorporate meal planning into your life, once a week sit down and plan your meals for the upcoming week, this is both healthy and budget friendly. Get used to preparing foods ahead of time to make meal prep easy, pack your lunches the night before, etc.
As for the exercise, just be enthusiastic and approach him to go for a walk with you, plan your walks around other activities like say going to a movie (walk to the theatre and back home), go hiking on your days off, try geocaching or rock climbing for fun things, go bowling, WII fitness games, anything just to get your bodies moving and eventually he might just buy into it without even realizing he's doing it.
You obviously have a good and healthy relationship and you love him. Good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
Since weight is an intensely personal thing, it's difficult to have someone tell you that you need to lose weight, be healthier, etc. When people used to say that to me, it made me eat worse, not better. I think that like any addiction, a food addict has to hit a point where they find themselves worthy of doing a better job eating. You have to come to it on your own or it won't work. It really won't.
That doesn't mean you can't set a good example with your eating and exercise. Invite him to do physical activities with you like golf and stuff. Perhaps he will come to the conclusion that he needs to be in better shape in order to keep up with you. But that needs to be his choice.0 -
Leave him alone or dump him. If he wants to be fat, let him be fat.
^ This. Its also a bad sign for the future. Older he gets the worst his body will become.0 -
If any guy said he wanted his girlfriend to lose weigh this thread would become a nightmare. If he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him and shouldn't try.
The entire reason I got serious about losing weight is because 4 weeks ago, he told me I could lose a few when I mentioned that my scrubs were getting too tight. I didn't get offended, I know he loves me regardless, but it still stung.
I just (as in a few minutes ago) had a conversation with him about both of our weights. I told him how we both needed to make significant changes, and told him I'm noticing he's getting out of breath easier during certain activities, and that we'd both have more energy if we didn't sit around. He was surprised about the wheezing thing, but had noticed a marked decline in his stamina, and we've made plans to get the bikes out of the garage and start riding.0 -
If any guy said he wanted his girlfriend to lose weight this thread would become a nightmare. If he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him and shouldn't try.
How many times have we seen that before!!
The sex thing caught my attention though, that could be a way of getting him to change.
I was at a friends house having a beer and he was complaining about not getting enough...his wife overheard and said "its because of your gut, it digs in to me and is uncomfortable". He has last 25 lbs. since then. LOL0 -
The reason I find this right here offensive, is because it is completely stupid to dump someone because they are fat. I am never going to completely leave him alone about this. He and I have a fairly open and honest relationship. On more than one occasion, we have told each other our behaviors or actions were not good for us.
He has told me he thought I needed to lose some weight when I couldn't fit my clothes comfortably because he saw it caused me stress, he is looking out for my happiness. He actually just got off the phone with me, insisting that I go for a walk I had planned early, because it is going to rain later. Should I dump him? Nah. We look out for each other. I was just looking for some advice on how to approach the subject with as much tact as possible because I've never approached anyone about this subject before.0 -
You may not like what I have to say.... two options as I see it: You and he become addicted to cycling and the healthy lifestyle or you drop him and move on. it is not fair to you that his habits are causing you to change yours, ie the eating out instead of at home. It is not fair to him that you want for him to change. If you are not 100% willing to take him how he is now and in the future then move on.0
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You may not like what I have to say.... two options as I see it: You and he become addicted to cycling and the healthy lifestyle or you drop him and move on. it is not fair to you that his habits are causing you to change yours, ie the eating out instead of at home. It is not fair to him that you want for him to change. If you are not 100% willing to take him how he is now and in the future then move on.
Oh, I am willing to take him as he is. He is my best friend. That doesn't mean I don't WANT him to be healthy. We are both overweight. We both have goals and things that bring us enjoyment that are hindered by our health. I don't care if he ends up on oxygen, incontinent of bowel and bladder, drooling on himself and unable to speak all while weighing 700 lbs, I will love him. He is far more than a physical body. We are both going to get old and ugly, and we are ok with that. He has the most wonderful personality of anyone I have ever met, and aside from this one tiny facet of our lives, I couldn't build a better man.
Just because I want him to be healthy doesn't mean I don't love him.0 -
The reason I find this right here offensive, is because it is completely stupid to dump someone because they are fat. I am never going to completely leave him alone about this. He and I have a fairly open and honest relationship. On more than one occasion, we have told each other our behaviors or actions were not good for us.
He has told me he thought I needed to lose some weight when I couldn't fit my clothes comfortably because he saw it caused me stress, he is looking out for my happiness. He actually just got off the phone with me, insisting that I go for a walk I had planned early, because it is going to rain later. Should I dump him? Nah. We look out for each other. I was just looking for some advice on how to approach the subject with as much tact as possible because I've never approached anyone about this subject before.
He was looking out for your happiness, and let's be honest, no guy wants to hear his woman whine and gripe about their appearance. It gets old after a while. I'd have been supportive too. He seems content smoking a pack a day and eating what he wants - that's his natural state. If anyone tried to change me, I'd toss them, order a pizza, change the locks, and fire up Netflix. Let him enjoy his Whoppers Cheetoz and CPAP machine - they are all things that will never ask him to change
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I find it amusing when the one party in a relationship gets all MFP'd up and then wants to start "spreading democracy" to the other. I'd stay husky out of spite because I'm like that.0
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Dont bother with the "dump him" replies, they can't be bothered to formulate a response to you but want to stir things up regardless.
I think you're getting some good advice already. Tell him in all honesty how you feel but know you can't make him change, he has to want it for himself and in the meantime focus on your own goals and reach them.
Good luck!0
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