Asking my boyfriend to lose weight...without hurt feelings!

jilltaylor86

You may not like what I have to say.... two options as I see it: You and he become addicted to cycling and the healthy lifestyle or you drop him and move on. it is not fair to you that his habits are causing you to change yours, ie the eating out instead of at home. It is not fair to him that you want for him to change. If you are not 100% willing to take him how he is now and in the future then move on.

Oh, I am willing to take him as he is. He is my best friend. That doesn't mean I don't WANT him to be healthy. We are both overweight. We both have goals and things that bring us enjoyment that are hindered by our health. I don't care if he ends up on oxygen, incontinent of bowel and bladder, drooling on himself and unable to speak all while weighing 700 lbs, I will love him. He is far more than a physical body. We are both going to get old and ugly, and we are ok with that. He has the most wonderful personality of anyone I have ever met, and aside from this one tiny facet of our lives, I couldn't build a better man.

Just because I want him to be healthy doesn't mean I don't love him.

I'm in the same boat as you....except mine doesn't smoke, but drinks daily. And also has a heart condition from about ten years ago. And hereditary high blood pressure. I'm about out of options to motivate him, so if you find something that works, let me know

GBrady43068

Let me just say that I love my boyfriend, and would stick with him no matter the weight. He was on the chunky side when he and I first got together, but that's ok with me.

However, over the last several months, he has put on a lot of weight. It's because he eats out at least once a day, it's always junk food, and it's always a pretty large amount. He's also a pretty big pop drinker. This has also affected my own weight because sometimes it is easier to say, "yeah let's go get something on the way" rather than make something at home. That's something I've worked hard at fixing, and aside from what I gained from my cycle, I've actually lost about 6 lbs so far, but his eating habits have remained, and it's getting hard to deal with. Even our sex life is affected. He pretty much squishes me. (Sorry, tmi)

He has expressed interest in working out and will say he wants to go for walks etc... But when it comes down to it, he doesn't go.

We have actually argued a couple of times over how expensive eating out is, and since he also smokes a pack a day, he's dropping approximately $400 a month on fast food and cigs.

I realize he's a grown man, and can make his own choices, but I worry about his health. Diabetes runs in his family, not to mention the smoking. I don't want to nag him, I don't want him thinking I'm no longer attracted to him, but I would like a healthier boyfriend. Not only for his sake, but for my own health as well.

Any advice?

I agree with those who say you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do.

That having been said, if my wife told me that she would be desirous of having sex with me "more often" if I wasn't "squashing her" when I was on top, it would probably be pretty motivating for me. Just sayin'....

And I think you are right to approach the "for your own health" aspect and just say that you want to limit the fast food to X times a month (you fill in your own number) for health's sake and to save money.

bunnerfly

I find it amusing when the one party in a relationship gets all MFP'd up and then wants to start "spreading democracy" to the other. I'd stay husky out of spite because I'm like that.

You haven't seen my login record, LOL. I'm far from MPF'd up. But this is a community of people looking to lose weight and get healthy, who I am sure have had loved ones who have needed to lose weight, and I just wanted to see how I could approach him. What spurned my OP was that his health is becoming affected, and I love him enough to want him to be healthy.

But you go right ahead and assume I'm some weekend warrior who has eaten carrots for a couple of weeks and now I want to totally nag my boyfriend into eating carrots with me. To be honest, if he had told me he didn't care about the scale and wanted to eat McD's every day of his life, I wouldn't say another word. We've never had a conversation about his health, and I was intimidated to approach him about it.

And for the record, all of you saying I should dump him if I can't leave him alone about it, or that I'm some heinous hag for wanting him to be healthier, you pretty much heightened my anxiety level to defcon 10 about approaching him.

bunnerfly

The reason I find this right here offensive, is because it is completely stupid to dump someone because they are fat. I am never going to completely leave him alone about this. He and I have a fairly open and honest relationship. On more than one occasion, we have told each other our behaviors or actions were not good for us.

He has told me he thought I needed to lose some weight when I couldn't fit my clothes comfortably because he saw it caused me stress, he is looking out for my happiness. He actually just got off the phone with me, insisting that I go for a walk I had planned early, because it is going to rain later. Should I dump him? Nah. We look out for each other. I was just looking for some advice on how to approach the subject with as much tact as possible because I've never approached anyone about this subject before.

He was looking out for your happiness, and let's be honest, no guy wants to hear his woman whine and gripe about their appearance. It gets old after a while. I'd have been supportive too. He seems content smoking a pack a day and eating what he wants - that's his natural state. If anyone tried to change me, I'd toss them, order a pizza, change the locks, and fire up Netflix. Let him enjoy his Whoppers Cheetoz and CPAP machine - they are all things that will never ask him to change

Haha. Ok. I'll let him know how ****ty of a girlfriend I am when he gets home.

GBrady43068

If any guy said he wanted his girlfriend to lose weigh this thread would become a nightmare. If he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him and shouldn't try.

I want my wife to lose we...

ChrisM8971

Never an easy topic to start a conversation with but I found "Oi Porkey" worked for me

Although I have a good, strong relationship

uconnwinsnc

I find it amusing when the one party in a relationship gets all MFP'd up and then wants to start "spreading democracy" to the other. I'd stay husky out of spite because I'm like that.

You haven't seen my login record, LOL. I'm far from MPF'd up. But this is a community of people looking to lose weight and get healthy, who I am sure have had loved ones who have needed to lose weight, and I just wanted to see how I could approach him. What spurned my OP was that his health is becoming affected, and I love him enough to want him to be healthy.

But you go right ahead and assume I'm some weekend warrior who has eaten carrots for a couple of weeks and now I want to totally nag my boyfriend into eating carrots with me. To be honest, if he had told me he didn't care about the scale and wanted to eat McD's every day of his life, I wouldn't say another word. We've never had a conversation about his health, and I was intimidated to approach him about it.

And for the record, all of you saying I should dump him if I can't leave him alone about it, or that I'm some heinous hag for wanting him to be healthier, you pretty much heightened my anxiety level to defcon 10 about approaching him.

It is really risky asking relationship-based advice on a forum. Nobody here knows how you two interact or what this guy really is like. The best bet is to ask him if he wants to work out with you. If he doesn't do it and wants to stay how he is, then you have to figure out at that point what you want from the relationship. Can you accept being with someone who accepts mediocrity from himself? You decide.

bunnerfly

Never an easy topic to start a conversation with but I found "Oi Porkey" worked for me

Although I have a good, strong relationship

Haha, one time I jumped onto him while he was laying in bed and he went "JESUS Bertha!" I just laughed.

freddi11e

attraction rather than promotion. keep doing your own thing and hopefully he'll be inspired to follow.

knra_grl

Just let him read this thread? You are very clear that you love him and care about him. You are also clear that it's his choice as to whether or not he decides lose weight, exercise or quit smoking. I do feel that there have been some negative reaction to you wanting to "change" him but you don't really, you just want him to be healthy and happy (which is pretty much up to him).

Jruzer

My perspective, having been in a similar situation:

I was heavy when I got married. I knew I needed to lose weight. I knew my wife wanted me to lose weight. She encouraged me subtly, and sometimes not so subtly. She appealed to my health, to the good of our children, to my ability to get cheaper insurance, etc. She even at times offered special (ahem) incentives for particular goals reached.

None of it worked until I was ready. Then I figured out how to do it right.

But her encouragement--gentle, most of the time, and coming from a place of love and genuine concern--was welcome. Honestly I did want to do better at least in part to make her happy.

MistressBoop05

Hello, I am new to the site. What I can suggest is having a more heartfelt conversation. Everyone can be sensitive about their looks and bodies. You're gonna have to try and convince him by saying something like : "Babe, For a long time I know we have gone back and forth about exercising and eating healthy. It's not that I don't love you for who you are, it is just that I want my man around for a long time, healthy and strong. I love you, but I don't want you to become unhealthy and sick. I miss when we used to do stuff together and I want to continue that. I want you to try with me. I will support you and I am here for you. We can do it together and be the best new and improved couple, healthy and happy as we can be. I could really use a workout buddy. What do you say we take a walk after dinner? We can start off taking short walks and work our way up? Or do you prefer the gym? Surely we can find something we can do together. I want us to do this and I really want you to do it too. I don't want anything to happen to you. You've been there for me so let me be there for you too." Also tell him how sexy it is when a man cooks in the kitchen with you because then you can feed each other and taste things. Make it fun for the both of you. Also men love compliments just like women - tell him all the things that you love and miss about him and you want to put back into the relationship. Tell him that you want him to cook with you in the kitchen so you can feed him things and have him taste things. Tell him about certain qualities that you like in a man that is what you want from him or would like for him to add to the relationship because you miss the way he turns you on. Different ways of convincing men you just have to be creative.

You can also make a bet with him. Suggest that you will owe him a favor if he loses weight before you do. Like for instance - "Babe if you lose the most weight before I do I will do something sexy for you like a little striptease performance or learn belly dancing" and dance for him; do something that will be interesting and to his liking if he decides to take on the bet and win. This is also a fun way to spice things up.

Best of luck to you.

SonicDeathMonkey80

I find it amusing when the one party in a relationship gets all MFP'd up and then wants to start "spreading democracy" to the other. I'd stay husky out of spite because I'm like that.

You haven't seen my login record, LOL. I'm far from MPF'd up. But this is a community of people looking to lose weight and get healthy, who I am sure have had loved ones who have needed to lose weight, and I just wanted to see how I could approach him. What spurned my OP was that his health is becoming affected, and I love him enough to want him to be healthy.

But you go right ahead and assume I'm some weekend warrior who has eaten carrots for a couple of weeks and now I want to totally nag my boyfriend into eating carrots with me. To be honest, if he had told me he didn't care about the scale and wanted to eat McD's every day of his life, I wouldn't say another word. We've never had a conversation about his health, and I was intimidated to approach him about it.

And for the record, all of you saying I should dump him if I can't leave him alone about it, or that I'm some heinous hag for wanting him to be healthier, you pretty much heightened my anxiety level to defcon 10 about approaching him.

Hey, I'm MFP'd up as well, but I don't get all religious to my fat friends and family. When I was fat, the last thing I wanted was someone to get on my case when I was either not ready or didn't care. Say something, ONE TIME, and leave him to make his mind up. You picked him, so you can deal with it or just eventually resent him for it.

bunnerfly

My perspective, having been in a similar situation:

I was heavy when I got married. I knew I needed to lose weight. I knew my wife wanted me to lose weight. She encouraged me subtly, and sometimes not so subtly. She appealed to my health, to the good of our children, to my ability to get cheaper insurance, etc. She even at times offered special (ahem) incentives for particular goals reached.

None of it worked until I was ready. Then I figured out how to do it right.

But her encouragement--gentle, most of the time, and coming from a place of love and genuine concern--was welcome. Honestly I did want to do better at least in part to make her happy.

Thanks. I love him regardless. I don't use sex as a tool, Whether it be for reward or otherwise. That's a hard rule in our relationship. Plus, if I ever told him I wouldn't have sex with him until he lost some weight, he'd laugh because he knows I'd last longer on a hunger strike.

I thank you all for your positive replies. He and I have already had the conversation. It basically began with him mentioning how tired he was, and me mentioning his snoring and how sleep apnea can cause that, and he mentioned that he doesn't snore, that it's a man purr, and I laughed, and I mentioned that we might also have more energy if we became more active, and reminded him that increased physical activity causes a jump in certain hormones like testosterone which boosts sex drive, and he said cool we should get our bikes out and ready, and I told him I'd get the first aid kits ready, he laughed, we made plans to go fishing later this weekend, and he said he loves me and will see me in the morning.

Problem solved.

SonicDeathMonkey80

Hello, I am new to the site. What I can suggest is having a more heartfelt conversation. Everyone can be sensitive about their looks and bodies. You're gonna have to try and convince him by saying something like : "Babe, For a long time I know we have gone back and forth about exercising and eating healthy. It's not that I don't love you for who you are, it is just that I want my man around for a long time, healthy and strong. I love you, but I don't want you to become unhealthy and sick. I miss when we used to do stuff together and I want to continue that. I want you to try with me. I will support you and I am here for you. We can do it together and be the best new and improved couple, healthy and happy as we can be. I could really use a workout buddy. What do you say we take a walk after dinner? We can start off taking short walks and work our way up? Or do you prefer the gym? Surely we can find something we can do together. I want us to do this and I really want you to do it too. I don't want anything to happen to you. You've been there for me so let me be there for you too." Also tell him how sexy it is when a man cooks in the kitchen with you because then you can feed each other and taste things. Make it fun for the both of you. Also men love compliments just like women - tell him all the things that you love and miss about him and you want to put back into the relationship. Tell him that you want him to cook with you in the kitchen so you can feed him things and have him taste things. Tell him about certain qualities that you like in a man that is what you want from him or would like for him to add to the relationship because you miss the way he turns you on. Different ways of convincing men you just have to be creative.

You can also make a bet with him. Suggest that you will owe him a favor if he loses weight before you do. Like for instance - "Babe if you lose the most weight before I do I will do something sexy for you like a little striptease performance or learn belly dancing" and dance for him; do something that will be interesting and to his liking if he decides to take on the bet and win. This is also a fun way to spice things up.

Best of luck to you.

My best compliment of 2013 was "dude, I can't believe you at 14 cupcakes in one minute. You're a beast!"

bunnerfly

Hello, I am new to the site. What I can suggest is having a more heartfelt conversation. Everyone can be sensitive about their looks and bodies. You're gonna have to try and convince him by saying something like : "Babe, For a long time I know we have gone back and forth about exercising and eating healthy. It's not that I don't love you for who you are, it is just that I want my man around for a long time, healthy and strong. I love you, but I don't want you to become unhealthy and sick. I miss when we used to do stuff together and I want to continue that. I want you to try with me. I will support you and I am here for you. We can do it together and be the best new and improved couple, healthy and happy as we can be. I could really use a workout buddy. What do you say we take a walk after dinner? We can start off taking short walks and work our way up? Or do you prefer the gym? Surely we can find something we can do together. I want us to do this and I really want you to do it too. I don't want anything to happen to you. You've been there for me so let me be there for you too." Also tell him how sexy it is when a man cooks in the kitchen with you because then you can feed each other and taste things. Make it fun for the both of you. Also men love compliments just like women - tell him all the things that you love and miss about him and you want to put back into the relationship. Tell him that you want him to cook with you in the kitchen so you can feed him things and have him taste things. Tell him about certain qualities that you like in a man that is what you want from him or would like for him to add to the relationship because you miss the way he turns you on. Different ways of convincing men you just have to be creative.

You can also make a bet with him. Suggest that you will owe him a favor if he loses weight before you do. Like for instance - "Babe if you lose the most weight before I do I will do something sexy for you like a little striptease performance or learn belly dancing" and dance for him; do something that will be interesting and to his liking if he decides to take on the bet and win. This is also a fun way to spice things up.

Best of luck to you.

I didn't want to go totally into how I think he needs to work out because he is overweight and unhealthy, I wanted to approach it more from a relaxed standpoint, rather than an "intervention" type scenario. He is still sexy and isn't all that much overweight, I think I have more to lose than he, I just wanted to touch base with him.

krawhitham

Sometimes the best thing is to lead by example. If my bf suggests we eat out, or drink beer, or whatever, and I say "no, I can't fit it into my calories" or "I only want to drink on the weekends this week" "I'm full" "I feel like a salad" or just a "no thanks" and make guidelines and limitations just for *myself* - it's not that he WILL do the same, but he's more apt to...

stephe1987

If you are short on time during the week, I would suggest making food ahead on the weekends and putting it in the fridge or freezer to be heated and eaten later in the week. Have your boyfriend help plan menus and make the meals so it's stuff he'll enjoy as well. It needs to be something healthier than fast food but still something enjoyable because it's a change in lifestyle. If you only eat healthy foods, either you'll quit early or you'll gain it back (and possibly more) as soon as you reach your goal.

Have only one night during the work week where you can get fast food. Maybe Wednesday because it's the middle of the week. Maybe Friday night pizza (or something you both enjoy) and allow for a treat on the weekends. Go out to dinner or pick up fast food on one of the days. Saturday can be ice cream night.

The problem with pantries is that they're full of junk food. A lot of people cannot control themselves around it. I would suggest not keeping more than a week's worth of snacks/ice cream/etc. at a time and then once they're gone, they're gone and no more until you go shopping the next weekend. If it's not in the house it won't be there to tempt anyone. My youngest brother has problems like that as well. If my mom buys a box of those small bags of chips, he'll take four to six bags and eat them all at once. If anyone wants a bag of chips the next day, all their favorite flavors are already gone and there's just a few bags of the flavors that people don't really like. If only one bag was there then he'd only eat one bag. Ice cream is usually not available because then the kids would want to eat it every night.

aly_mc

This is a very good thread for me to see-I'm having a similar experience.

This isn't so much a "dump him" post, but healthy can be a very hard thing to do alone. I'm hoping subtle encouragement will work in my case.

beckytcy

You've said some great things in this thread like how he's your best friend and you love him no matter what so definitely focus on that and the health side of things without even mentioning appearance. I'd tell him that you want to grow old together and then just lead by example. Good luck!

bunnerfly

This is a very good thread for me to see-I'm having a similar experience.

This isn't so much a "dump him" post, but healthy can be a very hard thing to do alone. I'm hoping subtle encouragement will work in my case.

I'm more than stubborn enough to go it alone. He doesn't force me to eat cheeseburgers and fries, just like I don't force him to go for a run. Respecting each other's independence is very important to us. If he doesn't want to go for a walk with me, I go alone, if I don't want to head up the street for a bolly burger, he will go alone. If he wants to watch tv, I go do something else (can't sit still, and I hate tv)

Aaron_K123

Hey. My girlfriend told me that the weight I had put on made her no longer that physically attractive to her. That did the trick.

BinaryPulsar

I think he has to want it for himself. Maybe by watching you, he will realize it's possible and worthwhile. You can be there to help if he decides he wants it. Other than that, I don't know.

bunnerfly

Hey. My girlfriend told me that the weight I had put on made her no longer that physically attractive to her. That did the trick.

I am still very physically attracted to him. Physical attraction has little do do with physical appearance for me.

BinaryPulsar

You've said some great things in this thread like how he's your best friend and you love him no matter what so definitely focus on that and the health side of things without even mentioning appearance. I'd tell him that you want to grow old together and then just lead by example. Good luck!

Yeah, This is good!

tanyoshka

Since weight is an intensely personal thing, it's difficult to have someone tell you that you need to lose weight, be healthier, etc. When people used to say that to me, it made me eat worse, not better. I think that like any addiction, a food addict has to hit a point where they find themselves worthy of doing a better job eating. You have to come to it on your own or it won't work. It really won't.

That doesn't mean you can't set a good example with your eating and exercise. Invite him to do physical activities with you like golf and stuff. Perhaps he will come to the conclusion that he needs to be in better shape in order to keep up with you. But that needs to be his choice.

Absolutely!

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I am just going to say that I am 5'3, 145-150 pounds, prior to meeting my shorter, leaner husband -- I had two boyfriend that were 6'3, 215-260 pounds. Never felt crushed. If that is happening you need to tell him he needs to do more to support his weight. If he has gained, that honestly might not register. And says "Hey baby, squishing me here" that might be all the prompting he needs to watch a bit.

That said, it's good you do what you do, no matter what he does. He has to want to change or it will never happen.

crissi725

The best answer for this is, now that you've put your concerns on the table, let it go. Do your thing. Be excited about it. Show your happiness about your new lifestyle changes. Focus on your goals. You may turn out to be an inspiration to him, you may not. Either way, you can't be in charge of the whole neighborhood. You can only clean up your own yard. My boyfriend never said anything about my weight (quite the opposite, he praises my body very often) but he was diagnosed with sleep apnea and high blood pressure. So he changed his habits and lost 40 lbs. He's maintained pretty well but he works on a boat for 5 weeks straight so its difficult to get a lot of exercise. But he's done well. It inspired me. Now I'm losing and shaping up. One day it just clicked into place. I made a decision. And he was a great example and an unintentional motivator.

SoLongAndThanksForAllTheFish

If any guy said he wanted his girlfriend to lose weigh this thread would become a nightmare. If he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him and shouldn't try.

The entire reason I got serious about losing weight is because 4 weeks ago, he told me I could lose a few when I mentioned that my scrubs were getting too tight. I didn't get offended, I know he loves me regardless, but it still stung.

I just (as in a few minutes ago) had a conversation with him about both of our weights. I told him how we both needed to make significant changes, and told him I'm noticing he's getting out of breath easier during certain activities, and that we'd both have more energy if we didn't sit around. He was surprised about the wheezing thing, but had noticed a marked decline in his stamina, and we've made plans to get the bikes out of the garage and start riding.

Right, most women have double standards about this, if a woman wants her significant other to lose weight its believed to be about health, but if a man wants his woman to lose weight its all about appearance, its an interesting double standard.

Although you can't make him, I don't really think you can rightly say you truly care about the other person if you don't try. I say great job in going about this in a non threatening way, and keep it up. Talk about how you would like to do certain activities together more, try to get fun exercise with him, focus on what you want to do with him and how you want him to be around, how you want his health to be good so he can be with you for a long time, and be an example for him, less on the money focus, its obviously not as important to him anyways. If its truly about caring for him, there is every reason to at least try to help him find his motivation.

redtreediary

I am still very physically attracted to him. Physical attraction has little do do with physical appearance for me.

If that is the case, then *leave it alone.*

I'm in a very similar boat.

My husband is a big dude. We do not talk about his weight. I only recently found out what size he is right now. I don't ask. I don't tsk. I don't nag. I comment if he's gotten smaller, sometimes. That's it. I love him, and, imo, that's all I need to know.

Because he's all f**ed in the head about it. And that's not my fault.

He doesn't like that I am calorie counting. He doesn't like that I am exercising. And all of that is very much *about him.* It's really not that he hates what I am doing for exercise or that he really gives a hoot about what I eat or don't eat. He doesn't want to be reminded that HE doesn't exercise. He doesn't want to think about the calories in what HE eats.

None of that is actually about *me.* It's about him.

You can't force him to want a thing. You can't actively shame him *and still respect him.* And, you can't be in a solid relationship with someone you can't respect.

I don't know how your relationship works on a minute level, but you say that independence is important to you. I am the same way in my marriage. My body is mine. He wouldn't tell me what haircut to get. He wouldn't forbid me to pierce my ears. Etc. HIs body is his.

Framing it as a "concern" about his health is dishonest, in it's own way. If he is happy with how he looks and you're still attracted to him, then just drop it.

The health thing: my husband's dad died youngish. My husband is acutely aware of the health concerns. It's hard, in this country, to NOT be aware of the effects of obesity. Your boyfriend doesn't need you to educate him. He doesn't need you to point out that he's fat. Or that he's out of shape. He knows. There just isn't a single fat person out there that is unaware that they are fat, even average sized people think they're fat, and everyone has never heard that obesity makes you "unhealthy."

You gotta take care of you. He'll either follow or he won't--but it's not worth giving your boyfriend a complex about it. It's one of those things where that AA serenity prayer applies.