Asking my boyfriend to lose weight...without hurt feelings!

zacksnana

If any guy said he wanted his girlfriend to lose weigh this thread would become a nightmare. If he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him and shouldn't try.

^^. Yep. Let him do his own thing. Period. You have mentioned it to him already, you state, so now the choice is his.

You cannot MAKE someone change his or her lifestyle for you. Do i agree with you? Yes. But the important thing is - does your boyfriend agree with you. Apparently not - so let him be. Does this mean you may eventually leave him? Maybe. But that will be your choice. Not his. Everyone gets to make their own choices.

jabrat

Why don't you both get a Fitbit and encourage one another - I bet he would like the competition - it syncs with your phone - a lot of fun ! Have you ever heard of it ?

BinaryPulsar

If any guy said he wanted his girlfriend to lose weigh this thread would become a nightmare. If he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him and shouldn't try.

The entire reason I got serious about losing weight is because 4 weeks ago, he told me I could lose a few when I mentioned that my scrubs were getting too tight. I didn't get offended, I know he loves me regardless, but it still stung.

I just (as in a few minutes ago) had a conversation with him about both of our weights. I told him how we both needed to make significant changes, and told him I'm noticing he's getting out of breath easier during certain activities, and that we'd both have more energy if we didn't sit around. He was surprised about the wheezing thing, but had noticed a marked decline in his stamina, and we've made plans to get the bikes out of the garage and start riding.

Right, most women have double standards about this, if a woman wants her significant other to lose weight its believed to be about health, but if a man wants his woman to lose weight its all about appearance, its an interesting double standard.

Although you can't make him, I don't really think you can rightly say you truly care about the other person if you don't try. I say great job in going about this in a non threatening way, and keep it up. Talk about how you would like to do certain activities together more, try to get fun exercise with him, focus on what you want to do with him and how you want him to be around, how you want his health to be good so he can be with you for a long time, and be an example for him, less on the money focus, its obviously not as important to him anyways. If its truly about caring for him, there is every reason to at least try to help him find his motivation.

Well, I can understand why a man would feel that way. I know my husband would love me no matter what, but I like to drive him wild. Fitness is a priority for me.

bomftdrum

First off, he has to want to. My wife was like and didn't want to hurt my feelings. It took me seeing a picture of myself and then getting on a scale to realize things needed to change. Have you tried asking him if he wants to be around to take care of you? Chances are he won't change for himself, but he might if he thinks it will affect you.

MireyGal76

Congrats at having the talk, especially since you were so worried.

It seems kinda pointless to comment now... but since I'm here, I was gonna say:

- he has had no problem commenting on your weight and suggesting exercise... which shows to me that the topic is fair game.
- you both love each other, if that is obvious to him, then anything you say will be received better
- be honest about the weight and how intimacy is a bit, uncomfortable. Remind him that you love him regardless - because you do
- tell him that you will support him however HE needs you to support him. If he isn't interested in changing, then tell him you'll let it go, and do that.

and lastly... something that I don't has been suggested yet...

BUDGET:
sit down together and look at your spending over the last year. Seeing how much he has blown on fast food and cigarettes, and how it could have easily paid for an all expense paid getaway, or a 2 person biking tour, or a big screen tv... and set a budget for each of you in terms of how much you are allowed to spend on fast food. Whatever is not spent on fast food goes to that person's slush money. That way... if you each get say $100/months on fast food budget, and you don't spend any - then you can use that $100 on new workout gear, or save towards a new ipod or something like that.

Congrats on a great attitude and classy response to the douchery that cropped up here and there. :flowerforyou:

jwdieter

Use MFP and be the change you want to see. Hopefully he sees how easy it is to take control of body weight and joins in.

I don't know if you guys are gamers, but MFP is very similar to gaming. Except you create your own real life hero. That's how I feel anyway.

Good luck!

mstripes

Dont bother with the "dump him" replies, they can't be bothered to formulate a response to you but want to stir things up regardless.

I think you're getting some good advice already. Tell him in all honesty how you feel but know you can't make him change, he has to want it for himself and in the meantime focus on your own goals and reach them.

Good luck!

Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to judge and dismiss me and what advice I sincerely gave. You don't know me, I don't know you. I'll not leap to conclusions without knowledge about you or your background. There is a heck of a lot of life experience behind my thoughts on the subject. I've been married for 19 years to a wonderful plump wife who smokes. She has given me three wonderful children and treated me better than I deserve. I was morbidly obese, now I am just obese and losing. She is on a diet and losing as well. I accept and love here how she is as I'm sure she does me. I'm older than her by 9 years and made it damn clear when we were dating that I am who I am, will not change and if she was thinking she could change me then she should just move on. If the OP's love for her BF is what she says then she should be her own person and love him as he is. If she feels the need to try to change him then she should move on because he will only change when he wants to if at all. If her love for him is unhealthy then she should take care of herself first. Hey but you knew all that about me when you so quickly dismissed what I had to say.

MireyGal76

Survey says:

I don't understand the relevance of your gif. Should I avoid talking to him about it? Tell him he needs to stop? Dress in Roman garb, stand on the kitchen counter and give him a thumbs down every time I see him go for a bowl of ice cream?

I particularly like the visual of the last option... GO FOR IT! LOL But nix the ice cream and do it with the smokes... and besides... if he sees you in roman garb, he might get all hot and bothered, and you'll have all the sex... which = lots of cardio, and loss of weight. hehe

dblaacker

I agree with everyone who says that he has to really want to make a change before you can expect him to do anything. I think you're a good girlfriend. You care, and you're letting him know. The next step has to be his.

brenn24179

I don't think a fat spouse would bother me unless he was so big he could not do things with me. I have a good friend and she cant go to festivals with me, walk with me, ride bicycles with me and I hate that. We do go out to eat together and supportive with each other, talk on the phone, go to church, any sitting functions. I don't say anything about her weight because she doesn't want to do anything about it. But we could do so much together and she could do more with her grandkids, she cant go to festivals or sledding in the winter or any active stuff, so sad. I have to find others.

What I am saying if he gets so he cant do physical stuff with you it will be a lonely life. You will have to do these things by yourself or with others. If he is just a little chubby I don't see a problem. All you can do is have an honest chat with him and he can make his choice and you can make yours.

SillyTree

I agree with two things;

1) Don't tell him what you want him to do or what he should be doing, because you can't control him, and it will come across as overly critical… If you want to talk about it, ask him questions, and actively listen!??? Get to the Why...That goes for Guys to their Girls.
2) Lead by example… That goes for Guys to their Girls too.

ninerbuff

You can't make a man do anything he doesn't want to.

Share your concerns with him, and be an example, but that's about it.

THIS.

"A person convinced against their will, is of the same opinion still."

Till he WANTS to do it, it will just sound like nagging.


A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

4aces61

Let me just say that I love my boyfriend, and would stick with him no matter the weight. He was on the chunky side when he and I first got together, but that's ok with me.

However, over the last several months, he has put on a lot of weight. It's because he eats out at least once a day, it's always junk food, and it's always a pretty large amount. He's also a pretty big pop drinker. This has also affected my own weight because sometimes it is easier to say, "yeah let's go get something on the way" rather than make something at home. That's something I've worked hard at fixing, and aside from what I gained from my cycle, I've actually lost about 6 lbs so far, but his eating habits have remained, and it's getting hard to deal with. Even our sex life is affected. He pretty much squishes me. (Sorry, tmi)

He has expressed interest in working out and will say he wants to go for walks etc... But when it comes down to it, he doesn't go.

We have actually argued a couple of times over how expensive eating out is, and since he also smokes a pack a day, he's dropping approximately $400 a month on fast food and cigs.

I realize he's a grown man, and can make his own choices, but I worry about his health. Diabetes runs in his family, not to mention the smoking. I don't want to nag him, I don't want him thinking I'm no longer attracted to him, but I would like a healthier boyfriend. Not only for his sake, but for my own health as well.

Any advice?

Well imo you have 2 choices, either deal with it or move on. If he's not receptive to your suggestions, there's not much you can do. He has to be ready.

LVCeltGirl

I sympathize but honestly, other than telling him your concerns ( to include the diabetes in the family), you can't do much more than that.

Except for the smoking, I have the same issue with my b/f. Spitting image of his dad, who passed away due to complications of diabetes and that's not been enough to "scare him into taking better care of himself". I even have his mom and sister on my side for trying to get him to take better care of himself.

Just keep leading by example. He'll get nervous about you slimming down and hopefully he'll choose to try to catch up. He might choose to leave instead of taking care of himself. Just remember you can't control what he will do or won't do, you can only control what you'll do or won't do.

ravenmiss

Dont bother with the "dump him" replies, they can't be bothered to formulate a response to you but want to stir things up regardless.

I think you're getting some good advice already. Tell him in all honesty how you feel but know you can't make him change, he has to want it for himself and in the meantime focus on your own goals and reach them.

Good luck!

Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to judge and dismiss me and what advice I sincerely gave. You don't know me, I don't know you. I'll not leap to conclusions without knowledge about you or your background. There is a heck of a lot of life experience behind my thoughts on the subject. I've been married for 19 years to a wonderful plump wife who smokes. She has given me three wonderful children and treated me better than I deserve. I was morbidly obese, now I am just obese and losing. She is on a diet and losing as well. I accept and love here how she is as I'm sure she does me. I'm older than her by 9 years and made it damn clear when we were dating that I am who I am, will not change and if she was thinking she could change me then she should just move on. If the OP's love for her BF is what she says then she should be her own person and love him as he is. If she feels the need to try to change him then she should move on because he will only change when he wants to if at all. If her love for him is unhealthy then she should take care of herself first. Hey but you knew all that about me when you so quickly dismissed what I had to say.

Oh dear. Way to take things out of context. I didn't judge you.

I advised the OP to ignore the "dump him" only suggestions (you know, the ones where they said "dump him" with no explanation or reasoning whatsoever) because she'd already stated this was something she wasn't going to do...

No need to explain your background to us all but makes you feel better then go for it! I'm glad you and your partner are doing well, long may it continue. However take a step back and realise that not all relationships are the same as yours with your goals and boundaries in mind. Make suggestions by all means but to those who just said "dump him" nah, advice like that isn't really going to help anyone.

OP: Glad you have talked it over with him and sorted it out

amandahlavacek

For the smoking.... go to the Golds Gym website and print out a free 3 day pass. Have him sit in the sauna 15- 20 min each day and he will sweat the nicotine out. And the sauna is sooooo relaxing. We have one at gym at the military base we are on. I lay out some bath towels and just lay down and relax to some music. Our sauna is a secret though.... no one seems to know it's there, so it's always empty. But after the 3 days in the sauna (and not smoking in between!) he will be good to go.

Bukawww

This may sound harsh, but I would decide now if his habits are something you can live with and tolerate for as long as you decide to be with him...or not. You can't change him - you shouldn't want to.

What you can do is be exactly who you want to be and see what happens. He may catch on and join you or he may not. You have to be ok with either and figure out if that is something you can deal with. And also be prepared for him to revert back to old, habits even if he does seem to change with you.

GretaGirl8

I think I am in the minority with this point of view...but I would not talk to him about his eating. I suspect he already knows it is unhealthy. bringing it up will likely just cause him to be defensive. when I was much younger, my mom would always tell me how to eat and it wasn't that I didn't realize the second muffin I bought was more than I needed--I wasn't ready to change. lead by example. encourage his interest in all things healthy. ask if he wants to join you in cooking at home or talking a walk. but that is where I would leave it.

on the other hand...I am conflicted. well, perhaps I will open that up in another thread.

anyway, good luck to you are you boyfriend

bunnerfly

As I said before, we have already discussed our concerns earlier today, and I won't be bringing it up again. Not because it bothers him, it just doesn't need harped on. He knows the only thing I really gripe about is his smoking which can trigger my asthma. I get a little cranky when that happens. I also know that quitting smoking is super hard for some people, and he's smoked since he was 14 or so. That's 20+ years of Cowboy Killers, so I know it's a struggle with him.

He is also not thin skinned and weight and looks are not an issue with him. He's pretty secure with himself.

We have been together for almost 3 years, and have lived together almost a year. We've been talking marriage for several months now, and he has been looking for "the kind of ring I deserve" whatever that means. I'm not materialistic in the least, and I'd rather have nothing at all than to see him go broke or stress over an engagement ring. We are very, very close. He's my favorite person, and he has told me I am his. Ooey-gooey, yes, but that's us. We are confident in ourselves and each other, and are both old enough now that we are pretty settled.

I'm completely and utterly sure that his Whopper and Marlboro addiction isn't going to be a deal breaker for me. But thanks for all the responses.

cj731

As I said before, we have already discussed our concerns earlier today, and I won't be bringing it up again. Not because it bothers him, it just doesn't need harped on. He knows the only thing I really gripe about is his smoking which can trigger my asthma. I get a little cranky when that happens. I also know that quitting smoking is super hard for some people, and he's smoked since he was 14 or so. That's 20+ years of Cowboy Killers, so I know it's a struggle with him.

He is also not thin skinned and weight and looks are not an issue with him. He's pretty secure with himself.

We have been together for almost 3 years, and have lived together almost a year. We've been talking marriage for several months now, and he has been looking for "the kind of ring I deserve" whatever that means. I'm not materialistic in the least, and I'd rather have nothing at all than to see him go broke or stress over an engagement ring. We are very, very close. He's my favorite person, and he has told me I am his. Ooey-gooey, yes, but that's us. We are confident in ourselves and each other, and are both old enough now that we are pretty settled.

I'm completely and utterly sure that his Whopper and Marlboro addiction isn't going to be a deal breaker for me. But thanks for all the responses.

I think you sound like a fantastic girlfriend. Great job having that talk with him, I'm so glad it all went well and there was no cause for anxiety
I also think some of the replies you got were a bit harsh - to me it seems like the last thing you're trying to do is change him. Like you said, he's your favourite person and of course you want your favourite person to live the longest, healthiest, happiest life they can! That's not nagging, that's showing how deeply you care about him and how much you want the best for him. I think it's admirable. I really like that he's trying to support you too when he sees how important this is to you by encouraging you to go for your walks. Sounds like you're lucky to have each other.
Since you've already had the conversation and it all went well, all I could recommend going forward is to make sure to give him plenty of praise on the occasions he chooses the healthier option, or even a quick thank you for being supportive or helping to inspire you when he exercises with you. One poster here mentioned if they perceive that someone is trying to have them diet too they wouldn't lose weight out of spite - while I certainly don't think you're being pushy or that's his attitude, and you've said you're not having the conversation about his health again, I'm sharing anyway as I personally have found the approach makes all the difference. My grandmother has that 'it's too hard and I'm not going to do it because the someone tells me to' attitude. When her doctor was holding her accountable for her weight and smoking, instead of losing weight or quitting for her health, she decided to stop seeing the doctor and ignore her weight and being short of breath. When she actually started making some small attempts on her own a few months later, instead of offering opinions we all just praised her. When she was told that she had inspired other people to start eating better and cutting down she was so proud that it spurred on her efforts and before long she was bragging about the changes she'd made instead of resisting. She hasn't smoked in over a year and dropped 15kg (a little over 30 pounds I think). Not bad for a woman in her sixties!
If you continue to look out for one another and caring for each other as much as you clearly do now, I think you'll both do fantastically. Best of luck achieving your goals!