Hurt Feelings? Anyone else? NEED ADVICE.

fitnforward

Hi everyone~ I'm new to the board. I decided to get healthier and lose weight due to several health problems. As of today I've lost 4 pounds and I feel GREAT! My jeans are fitting nicer and my spirits were lifted when my best friend noticed some change. I went out and celebrated today with a new cute hairstyle.

But now my husband won't even talk to me or notice the positive change already...including my new haircut. He made 1 remark and said, "Why do you want to get so skinny that's not healthy?" I replied, "I'm NOT healthy now as I am, my cholesterol, blood pressure and weight is going up, I'm on the line of having another heart attack."

I thought he would be a good support system, instead he's trying to bring me down. I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM OR ANYONE ELSE I'M DOING IT FOR ME. That's what's important. Anyone else going through this situation??

saranne1015

Is he also overweight? Maybe he's feeling jealous, hurt, or left out because he's unwilling or unable to make a change. You could try to include him? Or it might be he's seeing you making all these changes and wondering what your motivation is--and how long it will take for you to change your mind about him =[

Good luck, though, and GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

joanthemom8

Is your husband overweight as well? He might feel threatened by your quest to be healthy and leave him "behind", so to speak. My husband NEVER compliments me for trying to be healthy, losing weight or achieving a goal (like running a 5K), but he's never been the type to give compliments. If I ASK him, he may say, "Yes, that's great". Just keep plugging along - maybe try to include him in some exercises.... my husband never exercises for exercise's sake, but if I ask him to run with me, he usually will (and I can out-run him, LOL.). Good luck, keep at it, and add me as a friend if you like!:flowerforyou:

SonicDeathMonkey80

If he's griping about this after you've apparently had one heart attack already, I'd see if he has a life insurance policy on you that you don't know about.

And sabotage, divorce, etc. It's coming. Just wait.

StaciMarie1974

Could be he feels guilty, because he needs to make changes and isn't ready. Or he's worried that the healthier, leaner you will no longer be interested in him. If its the first, don't preach but hope he comes around in time. Do encourage active activities. Going to do something rather than sitting back and watching something. If the latter, just reassure him that you're doing this so you can live a long time with him.

WisheeNY

Yeah I remember this episode of King Of Queens when Doug was losing a bunch of weight and Carrie was feeling insecure because she didn't think Doug would want her anymore since he was getting all lean and starting to feel more confident and get attention from women so she started trying to sabotage him. Your husband probably is just used to seeing you a certain way and this new change, the weight loss and haircut, is making him uncomfortable and a bit insecure.

glickman1

Everybody else here basically said what I was going to
Try bringing him for walks with you, and cooking healthier foods for him (assuming you're the one who does tho cooking)
Me and my girlfriend are doing this together, try doing the same with your husband

Ali_momof2

My boyfriend and I have both decided to go on diets & get in better shape, but he refuses to do any cardio or sit ups or any thing that is not what he's used to. He only lifts weights & rides his excercise bike at a very slow pace for a few minutes whenever he feel like it. I feel he over eats but he says he's a big guy and needs the food. I think its bull ****, but I don't tell him this because I know he's sensitive and it would hurt his feeling.

However I try my best to work out and when I'm sore he tells me I need to slow down, don't work out today, you're going to hurt yourself. Its like he doesn't want me working out. He says he supports me but it doesn't feel like it. He always so negative but he knows everything about working out & eat right, yet he's quite over weight and is well aware of it. So yes I do understand some of how you feel, I guess thats how we ended up on here. Don't worry about what he says, get healthy for you.

_KitKat_

I am not going through this but, he may just feel left out. Sometimes people misinterpret our intensions when we wish to make a change. Yes he should support you and cheer you on but sometimes those close to us have other things their minds are busy with or they feel we have a new interest and it doesn't involve them. Some men if they are not at their best also become insecure when their wife's want to improve themselves. Give it time, he'll come around and if not you are doing this for you. He will enjoy a happier wife even if he doesn't realize it yet.

Most importantly.... Awesome job on your progress so far, keep with it and you will accomplish your goals :flowerforyou:

stiobhard

the comedian des bishop did a bit on people who needed to belittle his attempt to learn a new language by slapping him down with some cynical comment.... not the same situation exactly but maybe you can see his point...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfLuFHdUG6k

NadiaMayl

Obiously, it may be as 'simple' as others have stated, jealousy or fear of being left behind.
But I dare ask, are there any depression or codependency issues going on? Sometimes when spouse/partner suffers from self-esteem, they feel threatened by their partner's success.. how do they express it? By lashing out.
Obviously, I don't know you or your relationship situation, but if you are at risk for ANOTHER heart attack, the last thing you need is to be brought down in your efforts!! If anything, this has to do with you being healthy and alive, he should be thankful you are trying to live a healthy life!
I'd urge to be wary of emotional abuse... love sometimes blinds us from seeing when someone is being abusive... GOOD LUCK and DON'T give up on your health!!!!

IcanIwill1

If he's griping about this after you've apparently had one heart attack already, I'd see if he has a life insurance policy on you that you don't know about.

And sabotage, divorce, etc. It's coming. Just wait.

I thought the same thing too, when I saw that 'another' after the heart attack, but did not have the courage to say it as it is.

kgeyser

You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

lalepepper

The decision to make big lifestyle changes can lead to big rifts in relationships, especially when one's goals for life do not match up to their partner's. However a change in priorities can usually be accommodated by others, given time.

It's fairly common to see partners reluctant to encourage new habits involved in weight loss. There are a ton of possible reasons: Your husband may be insecure about his weight but not feeling ready to do anything about it. He may worry that once you lose weight, you will no longer be interested in him. He may be concerned that the activities you'll come to enjoy over time will not match with his. The point is that this is all conjecture - I would recommend reaching out to him and putting these feelings you're having on the table. Ask him if he's noticed you making an effort. If he has, ask him why he hasn't mentioned anything. While this is something you're doing for you, his feedback is an important thing to you. Beyond that, give him some actions he can take to make you feel less rejected. For example, maybe share that you don't feel supported, that his support is very important to you, and give him one small way he can support you better. Maybe it's going for a walk with you once a week, or maybe it's checking in on how your weight loss is going once in a while. The point is that this is a big change for him too, and it's likely that fear or insecurity are triggering his reluctance to acknowledge your efforts. Giving him a small action to be more involved can take some pressure off of him (it can be confusing to know what you want as far as support) and opens the lines of communication between you two. Good luck!

BurntCoffee

Is your husband worried you will be more attractive to other men and leave him? I think that is what my husbands issue is. He keeps trying to tempt me with sugary cereals and desserts. And he complains to me when I talk about how much weight I want to lose. I love the man but he really needs to pipe down because I'm doing what I need to do to fix my hormones, my back pain, my confidence, and my depression.

I'm sorry you are struggling. Just don't let his words get you "gallon of ice cream depressed". Keep up the good work. He will either get on board or he won't but either way you are going to feel better and be healthier.

Do you love your sassy new hairdo? I always feel better when I get my hair done.

Good luck.

TheVirgoddess

You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

Yep, this. When my husband hurts my feelings, I tell him - I don't make him guess. Talk to him, figure out what's going on in his head and tell him how you're feeling.

Sarah4fitness

Some people are threatened when you do something for you. I'd definitely sit him down and ask him what's up. A strong support system at home is actually pretty important in an ongoing fitness habit.

BurntCoffee

You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

Yep, this. When my husband hurts my feelings, I tell him - I don't make him guess. Talk to him, figure out what's going on in his head and tell him how you're feeling.

You guys are right but for me I always get even more upset because he usually has not clue what he did to upset me in the first place. Then I start that "You don't knowww?" ugly cry.

TheVirgoddess

You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

Yep, this. When my husband hurts my feelings, I tell him - I don't make him guess. Talk to him, figure out what's going on in his head and tell him how you're feeling.

You guys are right but for me I always get even more upset because he usually has not clue what he did to upset me in the first place. Then I start that "You don't knowww?" ugly cry.

I try to avoid the ugly cry at all costs (I'm not even a pretty silent crier). So if I get a haircut, he knows well beforehand so he can tell me how pretty I look when he gets home. If I tried a new style of makeup, I point out how lovely my eyes look, or if I'm wearing a new outfit I strut around. I think trying to make your partner guess what's "new" about you isn't really fair.

I got this piece of advice shortly after I got married: Don't ever set your partner up for failure. I suppose this can mean different things to each relationship, but I took it to mean: if you're feeling sad, tell him you need extra attention that day. If you're feeling unappreciated, tell him. If you're feeling insecure, tell him (you get the picture).

Sorry - I went off on my own little trail there.

albayin

Maybe just need a bit more communication between you two? My husband didn't understand why I was not able to lose weight at first. For him it was super easy by simply cutting meal to half but I am always a big eater...so he kept saying things like "why don't you just eat less?" then later when he saw me into this depression caused by not being able to lose weight, he started saying more supportive things because he now knows that I am really trying, not being lazy or lack of diligence. Have a talk with him and have him see the big picture.

SunofaBeach14

Cut the guy some slack. You're frigg'n married to him, not us, talk to him. He can't read your mind and I definitely can read what he said as a "you look fine why are you doing this?" type of statement. That's not trying to bring you down. Talk. To. Him. . . Nicely.

mp5girl

OK I didn't read ALL the previous posts... but I know MY man. He did something similar and here's what it boiled down to...

1. My healthy choices made his meals healthy. He didn't like that. None of it. So my dieting had to be on me only. He'd rather have a plate of a pound of fried bacon than live 5 more years.

2. Making these changes are not easy. He saw my struggles. He saw me unhappy, hungry, frustrated, etc. He didn't like that. So he was trying to support the current me. Basically thinking if dieting makes me not happy, I shouldn't do it.

Men are simple. Could be he truly likes this 'meatier' you. Like all said, have a discussion over a few dark chocolate drizzled strawberries and see what the root of the problem is.

BurntCoffee

You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

Yep, this. When my husband hurts my feelings, I tell him - I don't make him guess. Talk to him, figure out what's going on in his head and tell him how you're feeling.

You guys are right but for me I always get even more upset because he usually has not clue what he did to upset me in the first place. Then I start that "You don't knowww?" ugly cry.

I try to avoid the ugly cry at all costs (I'm not even a pretty silent crier). So if I get a haircut, he knows well beforehand so he can tell me how pretty I look when he gets home. If I tried a new style of makeup, I point out how lovely my eyes look, or if I'm wearing a new outfit I strut around. I think trying to make your partner guess what's "new" about you isn't really fair.

I got this piece of advice shortly after I got married: Don't ever set your partner up for failure. I suppose this can mean different things to each relationship, but I took it to mean: if you're feeling sad, tell him you need extra attention that day. If you're feeling unappreciated, tell him. If you're feeling insecure, tell him (you get the picture).

Sorry - I went off on my own little trail there.

Yeah, that whole ugly cry thing is pretty symptomatic of much deeper issues in my marriage. Usually the ugly cry isn't really about what it gets blamed on. I have a lot of stuff to work through now that I am no longer feeding my sadness with food.

But again, you are both absolutely right. Men can't read minds and we are sometimes complicated creatures.

TheVirgoddess

Now I want to give you a giant hug. I hope your journey is incredibly successful. *smooch*

TrailRunnermn

Some people are threatened when you do something for you. I'd definitely sit him down and ask him what's up. A strong support system at home is actually pretty important in an ongoing fitness habit.

I second this.

ravenmiss

You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

This a million times over.

fitnforward

Good Morning! My husband is in good shape and not overweight. He eats good foods and works on the farm everyday. I've tried to get him involved with my walking and exercise etc. but no luck. He went 1 time the first day for about 5 minutes and he cut it short. Yes, I have a lot of health problems that woke me up, mostly heart disease and losing my Mother 9 months ago. I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more. If I lose my marriage because of wanting to get healthy so be it. You can't lose something you never had. My strength will be back physically and mentally. My blinders are on and I'm ready for this race. Thanks!! :happy:

fitnforward

Thank you. You are right. He is my partner I expected more from him not less. But it is what it is.

albayin

Good Morning! My husband is in good shape and not overweight. He eats good foods and works on the farm everyday. I've tried to get him involved with my walking and exercise etc. but no luck. He went 1 time the first day for about 5 minutes and he cut it short. Yes, I have a lot of health problems that woke me up, mostly heart disease and losing my Mother 9 months ago. I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more. If I lose my marriage because of wanting to get healthy so be it. You can't lose something you never had. My strength will be back physically and mentally. My blinders are on and I'm ready for this race. Thanks!! :happy:

He will come around. good luck~

fitnforward

I'm so glad I found this site! You guys are GREAT! Thanks for all the honest support it helps to see things in a different perspective. I feel better already and ready to walk!! CYA :bigsmile:

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