Hurt Feelings? Anyone else? NEED ADVICE.

Options
13

Replies

  • bizgirl26
    bizgirl26 Posts: 1,808 Member
    Options
    Sounds like he is feeling insecure. I dont know why some spouses cannot understand that we want to be healthy and look good for ourselves , not because we are shopping around for a new partner
  • karmac0matic
    karmac0matic Posts: 285
    Options
    My boyfriend is always saying, though "jokingly" there's a hint of serious to it, "So now that you've lost weight how many of the boys are all over you?"


    WHich also begs the question, did HE think you weren't worthy of the "boys all over you" when you were heavier?

    Oh trust me, I gave it to him good, telling him it made me feel really bad when he says those things. He said he'd lay off saying that.
  • adstott
    adstott Posts: 102 Member
    Options
    You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.

    wonderful advice!
  • Tina1737
    Tina1737 Posts: 14 Member
    Options
    Wow, sorry to hear of your difficulties. But, I want to congratulate you on your decision to get healthy. When I read that you had already had a heart attack, I completely looked past all of the husband BS...and so should you. I don't know how long you have been married, I've been married almost 20 years and it definitely has its ups and downs. You said you are doing this for you...and you ARE. So, really what he thinks and says doesn't matter much. I know you would like his support, but don't wait for that day. Do what you need to do (for YOU) today and everyday going forward. Sometimes we need to be a little selfish. Sometimes we can't rely on other's support. We have to stand on our own two feet and do what is best for US. Good luck with your journey. You have a ton of people to rely on here (and support you) on this site. Reach out! <hugs>
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    Options
    When your partner is emotionally abusive you can't reason with them, you can't talk it out. It just gives them more opportunity to manipulate and abuse you.
  • 123tryingtobeme
    123tryingtobeme Posts: 7
    Options
    You must do what you need to do for your health.
    That is all.
    The rest are his problem.
  • skippygirlsmom
    skippygirlsmom Posts: 4,433 Member
    Options
    I got this piece of advice shortly after I got married: Don't ever set your partner up for failure. I suppose this can mean different things to each relationship, but I took it to mean: if you're feeling sad, tell him you need extra attention that day. If you're feeling unappreciated, tell him. If you're feeling insecure, tell him (you get the picture).

    Sorry - I went off on my own little trail there.

    Someone gave you some very good advice there. I can't read my SOs mind, I don't expect him to read mine. Afterall mine has so much more going on every second :-)

    edited because I can't type today
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    Options
    You just admitted that he's emotionally abusive.

    Your answer comes from that, walk away, the sooner the better.

    One person's emotional abuse is another's disagreement. I have a very hard time deciphering threads like this and coming up with any specific advice. If two people can't work it out amongst themselves though, then I agree that walking away is a viable option. There are just so few facts here, not even a full one side of the story.
  • PinkyFett
    PinkyFett Posts: 842 Member
    Options
    Exactly. You're doing this for you. That's what you have us at MFP for. I get a hard time from everyone too. I'm told I should give up instead of getting frustrated with my health problems hindering weight loss. "as long as I'm not gaining more, why can't I be happy" is their attitude.
  • KombuchaCat
    KombuchaCat Posts: 834 Member
    Options
    I agree with many of the other responses that many times people feel threatened when your new good habits hold a mirror up to thier bad ones. I think you said a good thing in your post, you are doing this for you. Keep that in your mind when he acts like this. He's made it clear that at least for now you are on your own in this.
    The most powerful thing anyone can do is lead by example. If he keeps seeing you make positive changes and get results maybe he will be inspired to do the same. If not, well, you can only control what you do, not anyone else. Good luck and keep up the great work!
  • JenniBaby85
    JenniBaby85 Posts: 855 Member
    Options
    Maybe he is feeling threatened or jealous. Maybe he is afraid that you'll leave him for a younger 'fitter' man, if he isn't in shape. Or maybe he is in shape and just has really low confidence. and is afraid you'll leave him. Maybe he is worried that you'll overdo it or push 'too' hard and hurt yourself. (My hubby is super supportive, but always worried I'll hurt myself :laugh: .)

    Also, maybe the life insurance thing :tongue:
  • Nissi51
    Nissi51 Posts: 381 Member
    Options
    Sounds like he has some issues with insecurity. Push forward and continue to work on your health. Hopefully he will get on board. If not your ship may need to sail off into the sunset without him. It sounds like you are half-way out the harbour without him already!

    Congratulations on your loss and I hope this situation turns around for you, and your marriage can remain in tact and be a mostly happy one!

    A
  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
    Options
    If my husband acted like that, he might wake up with a missing testicle the next morning. No sir. He should be supporting you unless what you're doing truly IS unhealthy. If you were starving yourself, throwing up, or wanting to get down to a dangerously low weight, my answer would be different. If that's not the case, then he's being a complete *kitten* by putting you down like that when you're trying to make a positive change.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    Options
    I didn't see the connection between him asking a question and voicing concern for you and "OMG HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE ANOTHER HEART ATTACK."

    Have you professed an unhealthy low weight, or perhaps preferred a very thin physique?

    Going off of solely what you've told us, it sounded like him "bringing you down" was him questioning either your ultimate goal or your methods--for instance, how much are you eating? How much are you working out? Are you going too hard, and maybe his concern on your health really is a concern for your health.

    That being said, you followed up with "He's been emotionally abusive." Regardless of his words on your fitness ~journey~, if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step.
  • xero2099
    xero2099 Posts: 49 Member
    Options
    This happened to me with my Brother who is heavier, He would poke fun at me, but after a my family and friends started to notice I was looking great and all of the compliments I got from them I was able to turn the table and made him start to diet and work out
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    Options
    "if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step."

    No reputable counsellor would offer joint therapy to a couple where there is abuse.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    Options
    "if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step."

    No reputable counsellor would offer joint therapy to a couple where there is abuse.

    They absolutely would, even if it involves a session split between the two individuals. Have you been to counseling?
  • willrun4bagels
    willrun4bagels Posts: 838 Member
    Options
    I wouldn't tolerate anyone putting me down for trying to better myself, spouse or not. As lreed said in a comment above me, if the ways you are losing weight are unhealthy, then your husband's questions are both warranted and valid. But if you are being healthy in your work to lose weight and improve your health, then you need to have a serious conversation with him. As others mentioned, he may be insecure about himself now that you are losing weight, so offer to include him in these things with you if he seems interested after you have that conversation with him.

    I live with a wonderful man that has no trouble maintaining his weight with little/no planned exercise, and I know he doesn't fully "get" how complicated it can be for me to weigh and measure everything, cook two separate dishes for dinner as we both eat very different things, and how tough it can be for me to wake up at 4:30am to go to the gym instead of staying in bed with him, but he is 100% supportive, always asks how my workouts were (even though he doesn't understand much about the program I am following), and never laughs at me - even when I'm weighing out 4g of canola oil in a tiny little cup on the food scale, or weighing an entire casserole dish to calculate portions :laugh:
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    Options
    "if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step."

    No reputable counsellor would offer joint therapy to a couple where there is abuse.

    They absolutely would, even if it involves a session split between the two individuals. Have you been to counseling?

    There is also the issue of the type, frequency, and intensity of the abuse, none of which (other than that is is "emotional abuse") are clear here. People are taking sides over a suituation with little to no information.

Categories