Hurt Feelings? Anyone else? NEED ADVICE.
Replies
-
My first thought was that he's insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight and gain confidence, you will leave him. I had an ex who would say disparaging things to me to bring me down and make me believe I couldn't find someone better. Then I saw that you wrote he has been emotionally abusive. I am very sorry to hear that. It's wonderful that you are making healthy changes in your life and I hope you have supportive friends and family you can turn to. Stay strong! Best wishes.0
-
My boyfriend is always saying, though "jokingly" there's a hint of serious to it, "So now that you've lost weight how many of the boys are all over you?"
It's an insecurity thing. He clearly wants to be the healthy, fit one and wants you to stay with him. Are you settling? If so, he knows and is very insecure that with confidence, you'll learn not to and move on.
If you're not settling, then I don't know what his deal is but seriously take some time and ask him what's up and why he is so against you getting healthy.0 -
I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more.
That piece alone speaks volumes. Do what you need to do and move forward being a stronger and better person0 -
He sounds insecure and jealous. He is certainly not being loving and supportive. Don't pander to his insecurities or manipulation and don't take your eye off your goals.
Some people are saying you should talk to him and he's not a mind reader - well that could be said to him too. Our OP isn't a mind reader - how is she supposed to guess the alleged good intentions behind his cruel words? I bet he's not starting threads on forums asking how to look after his relationship.0 -
I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more.
That piece alone speaks volumes. Do what you need to do and move forward being a stronger and better person
Agreed. Sounds like his response to you starting to get healthier is just another manifestation of this problem. THIS is what you have to work on with him. Do the healthy living thing for you, but not much will change re his reaction to it until this is dealt with.0 -
My boyfriend is always saying, though "jokingly" there's a hint of serious to it, "So now that you've lost weight how many of the boys are all over you?"
WHich also begs the question, did HE think you weren't worthy of the "boys all over you" when you were heavier?0 -
My husband believes married women lose weight and then get divorced. So maybe your husband thinks the same, you are changing yourself and then you will get skinny and improve and think he isn't good enough anymore. Reassure him that you are doing it to get healthy and feel better about you, but it won't change how you feel about him.
Just because you make a change doesn't mean you will leave him behind!0 -
UGH. People have hit on every possible aspect, and really it is probably a combination of all. Not to be rude, or insensitive but who cares? It is his problem to own, not yours. Believe me, when I say I am not being snarky at all about this. I too, came on the boards with same issues. My husband was sabotaging my workout schedule. (home gym) and people said the same to me. Discuss it with him. LOL. Well "him" doesn't care if he hurt my feelings. He also didn't care if he was cutting in to my schedule with his own that he decided to do AFTER I had a month down.
You know what? My own kids sabotage my workout and diet plans. Innocent little creatures that they are. I am sure they do not sit around and think hmmm, how can we screw up Mom's plan today, BUT they do, on a consistent basis. I take them to the park so they can play while I walk circles around them, and all 3 of them, will follow me around, resort to all out fighting, punching and kicking each other, and trying to have the most insane conversations with me while I am trying to walk. If I go to the basement to workout, they do the same. If I am sitting right in front of them, they ignore me. LOL.
For me, I am a Codie. My husband is passive-aggressive. My kids are attention seekers. And the very second I decide to do something for ME and ME only, they all freak the eff out. They can not stand it, if I am not focused on them 100% of the time. It was hard for me to let go of this. BUT, I have spend most of my life dedicated to my kids. Jumping at their every request. I have no one to blame but me. Now, I actually tell them to go play, get along, or sit in the car. I don't care. I AM WALKING RIGHT NOW.
My husband, took my workouts and turned them into a competition which is not even remotely fair. He's fit. I am not. It took a month for me to accept that he is competitive by nature and he is not happy unless he is winning. So. Fine. Win. WTE. Just as long as I can accomplish my goals, who cares!
He walked with me the other night at the track, and then said, come on I will jog a lap with you. Um. NO. I don't jog. Never have. Never will. He even said, come on. Its not a competition. LOL. I said, well, right, because you can't beat me at a game I don't play. We just laughed about it, and then I encouraged him to still jog the lap which he never did, as there wasn't any competition.
It all boils down to change. Nobody likes change, and they really don't like it when you do it.
Does he ever compliment you now? Has he in the last year complimented you? Chances are, he doesn't. Hard to say for sure, but my guess, is you have a job title as his wife. You take care of him. It doesn't matter if you are thinner, with a cute hair style, that is just little details in his big picture. I am not saying he doesn't care about you. I am saying that he cares more about keeping status quo.
Unfortunately, you have a few options but they all boil down to you and you only. You have the choice on how to deal with his lack of compliments, or non support. You can ignore it. You can be hurt over it. You can try talking to him. I personally would ignore and carry on.
Take a selfie. Measure yourself. Figure out your BMR, BMI, and a close body fat %. Keep track of it all. Numbers don't lie and they do wonders for your self esteem. If you ALLOW him to upset you, or cause a bump in the road, he will continue to do what works. If you don't let it bother you, and continue on, and treat him no different, in time he will see you are serious, and will eventually start paying the compliments.
Actions speak louder than words.
I am 4 months in to this, and have lost 17+ inches, and around 25lbs. I'm still a big girl, but my husband who will not give a compliment if his life depended on it, now has started giving me extra attention. He even left yesterday, walked out to vehicle, then came back in, gave me a hug and a kiss, and I just looked at him in bewilderment and he said he just wanted to say goodbye before he left to run errands. LOL.
THAT is priceless to me. When they see you are serious, they too, will pull out their "A" game, and that is so much more important to me, than a compliment.
0 -
You just admitted that he's emotionally abusive.
Your answer comes from that, walk away, the sooner the better.0 -
Hi everyone~ I'm new to the board. I decided to get healthier and lose weight due to several health problems. As of today I've lost 4 pounds and I feel GREAT! My jeans are fitting nicer and my spirits were lifted when my best friend noticed some change. I went out and celebrated today with a new cute hairstyle.
But now my husband won't even talk to me or notice the positive change already...including my new haircut. He made 1 remark and said, "Why do you want to get so skinny that's not healthy?" I replied, "I'm NOT healthy now as I am, my cholesterol, blood pressure and weight is going up, I'm on the line of having another heart attack."
I thought he would be a good support system, instead he's trying to bring me down. I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM OR ANYONE ELSE I'M DOING IT FOR ME. That's what's important. Anyone else going through this situation??
If you're anything like my partner - and it looks like you are from what you've written - you'd much rather pour your heart out to any stranger than to him and that's the problem!
Talk to him. Tell HIM how you feel, not us.0 -
Sounds like he is feeling insecure. I dont know why some spouses cannot understand that we want to be healthy and look good for ourselves , not because we are shopping around for a new partner0
-
This content has been removed.
-
My boyfriend is always saying, though "jokingly" there's a hint of serious to it, "So now that you've lost weight how many of the boys are all over you?"
WHich also begs the question, did HE think you weren't worthy of the "boys all over you" when you were heavier?
Oh trust me, I gave it to him good, telling him it made me feel really bad when he says those things. He said he'd lay off saying that.0 -
You need to talk to him. We can sit here and speculate all day long about why he behaving the way he is, but none of us know his side of the story. You need to ask him what's going on and figure things out together.
wonderful advice!0 -
Wow, sorry to hear of your difficulties. But, I want to congratulate you on your decision to get healthy. When I read that you had already had a heart attack, I completely looked past all of the husband BS...and so should you. I don't know how long you have been married, I've been married almost 20 years and it definitely has its ups and downs. You said you are doing this for you...and you ARE. So, really what he thinks and says doesn't matter much. I know you would like his support, but don't wait for that day. Do what you need to do (for YOU) today and everyday going forward. Sometimes we need to be a little selfish. Sometimes we can't rely on other's support. We have to stand on our own two feet and do what is best for US. Good luck with your journey. You have a ton of people to rely on here (and support you) on this site. Reach out! <hugs>0
-
When your partner is emotionally abusive you can't reason with them, you can't talk it out. It just gives them more opportunity to manipulate and abuse you.0
-
You must do what you need to do for your health.
That is all.
The rest are his problem.0 -
I got this piece of advice shortly after I got married: Don't ever set your partner up for failure. I suppose this can mean different things to each relationship, but I took it to mean: if you're feeling sad, tell him you need extra attention that day. If you're feeling unappreciated, tell him. If you're feeling insecure, tell him (you get the picture).
Sorry - I went off on my own little trail there.
Someone gave you some very good advice there. I can't read my SOs mind, I don't expect him to read mine. Afterall mine has so much more going on every second :-)
edited because I can't type today0 -
You just admitted that he's emotionally abusive.
Your answer comes from that, walk away, the sooner the better.
One person's emotional abuse is another's disagreement. I have a very hard time deciphering threads like this and coming up with any specific advice. If two people can't work it out amongst themselves though, then I agree that walking away is a viable option. There are just so few facts here, not even a full one side of the story.0 -
Exactly. You're doing this for you. That's what you have us at MFP for. I get a hard time from everyone too. I'm told I should give up instead of getting frustrated with my health problems hindering weight loss. "as long as I'm not gaining more, why can't I be happy" is their attitude.0
-
I agree with many of the other responses that many times people feel threatened when your new good habits hold a mirror up to thier bad ones. I think you said a good thing in your post, you are doing this for you. Keep that in your mind when he acts like this. He's made it clear that at least for now you are on your own in this.
The most powerful thing anyone can do is lead by example. If he keeps seeing you make positive changes and get results maybe he will be inspired to do the same. If not, well, you can only control what you do, not anyone else. Good luck and keep up the great work!0 -
Maybe he is feeling threatened or jealous. Maybe he is afraid that you'll leave him for a younger 'fitter' man, if he isn't in shape. Or maybe he is in shape and just has really low confidence. and is afraid you'll leave him. Maybe he is worried that you'll overdo it or push 'too' hard and hurt yourself. (My hubby is super supportive, but always worried I'll hurt myself :laugh: .)
Also, maybe the life insurance thing
0 -
Sounds like he has some issues with insecurity. Push forward and continue to work on your health. Hopefully he will get on board. If not your ship may need to sail off into the sunset without him. It sounds like you are half-way out the harbour without him already!
Congratulations on your loss and I hope this situation turns around for you, and your marriage can remain in tact and be a mostly happy one!
A0 -
If my husband acted like that, he might wake up with a missing testicle the next morning. No sir. He should be supporting you unless what you're doing truly IS unhealthy. If you were starving yourself, throwing up, or wanting to get down to a dangerously low weight, my answer would be different. If that's not the case, then he's being a complete *kitten* by putting you down like that when you're trying to make a positive change.0
-
I didn't see the connection between him asking a question and voicing concern for you and "OMG HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE ANOTHER HEART ATTACK."
Have you professed an unhealthy low weight, or perhaps preferred a very thin physique?
Going off of solely what you've told us, it sounded like him "bringing you down" was him questioning either your ultimate goal or your methods--for instance, how much are you eating? How much are you working out? Are you going too hard, and maybe his concern on your health really is a concern for your health.
That being said, you followed up with "He's been emotionally abusive." Regardless of his words on your fitness ~journey~, if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step.0 -
This happened to me with my Brother who is heavier, He would poke fun at me, but after a my family and friends started to notice I was looking great and all of the compliments I got from them I was able to turn the table and made him start to diet and work out0
-
"if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step."
No reputable counsellor would offer joint therapy to a couple where there is abuse.0 -
"if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step."
No reputable counsellor would offer joint therapy to a couple where there is abuse.
They absolutely would, even if it involves a session split between the two individuals. Have you been to counseling?0 -
I wouldn't tolerate anyone putting me down for trying to better myself, spouse or not. As lreed said in a comment above me, if the ways you are losing weight are unhealthy, then your husband's questions are both warranted and valid. But if you are being healthy in your work to lose weight and improve your health, then you need to have a serious conversation with him. As others mentioned, he may be insecure about himself now that you are losing weight, so offer to include him in these things with you if he seems interested after you have that conversation with him.
I live with a wonderful man that has no trouble maintaining his weight with little/no planned exercise, and I know he doesn't fully "get" how complicated it can be for me to weigh and measure everything, cook two separate dishes for dinner as we both eat very different things, and how tough it can be for me to wake up at 4:30am to go to the gym instead of staying in bed with him, but he is 100% supportive, always asks how my workouts were (even though he doesn't understand much about the program I am following), and never laughs at me - even when I'm weighing out 4g of canola oil in a tiny little cup on the food scale, or weighing an entire casserole dish to calculate portions :laugh:0 -
"if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step."
No reputable counsellor would offer joint therapy to a couple where there is abuse.
They absolutely would, even if it involves a session split between the two individuals. Have you been to counseling?
There is also the issue of the type, frequency, and intensity of the abuse, none of which (other than that is is "emotional abuse") are clear here. People are taking sides over a suituation with little to no information.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 426 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions