I was married and had kids before him. Random.

Madame_Goldbricker

As others have said this just all sounds very much like any normal life events.

Although it is possible the reason the future in laws are upset is because you basically 'hide your other kids from them for awhile'. In other words they may think that's odd behaviour, or view it as outright lying. This could be the issue that's now colouring their judgement of you.

Whatever the case is just concentrate on yourself, your kids, & your SO.

cosmobella

I did't hide them. He did.

bridgie101

So, I am 29. I was married and had 3 kids prior. I had my daughter when I was 18. I was never in a relationship with her father, however, we've never argued, done the child support thing and we split her. I got married, and had 2 sons over the course of 10 years. My now ex husband is an alcoholic, and verbally abusive to the point where he literally ran me off. He was a serial cheater and I tried to make it work with him, but the night he brought a woman back from the bar to our home...so drunk he forgot to tell her he was married...and walked in while I was folding laundry...I decided I only had one life to live and didn't deserve a jerk. He wasn't like that until AFTER we were married. Go figure. I know I've made lousy choices. We split in 2011. I got back together with my middle school sweetheart, and now we have a 4 month old. His first. So in total, I have 4 kids. We were planning on getting married ( my FINAL time) sometime next year or 2016. I've known him since I was 12, and I wish we would have just been married in the first place, but life wasn't so perfect. He wanted children, so I knew if I committed to him, I would have another. He is from Guyana, and his parents are these indian like, religious fanatics. I had to hide my other kids for awhile, but now they know about them. It's strange, because they are really upset. I guess they view me as some sleazy, loser American girl. Not the case. I have this horrible complex about being a loser these days. I was never self conscious, but now I find it hard to own how my life has gone. I feel embarrassed and humiliated. This is stupid to post on MFP, but this is my favorite place to be with the most motivation. So in short, I'm asking...how do people view me..HONESTLY. In your opinion, good or bad? I won't be insulted. I just want REAL feedback. So I know how to handle things in the future. My children are beautiful, smart, well behaved and my current loves them dearly. They have NEVER been a problem, and are hilarious. They rarely misbehave and are only with us part of the time. There are healthy relationships between they, their dad, and us. Please answer!!! Thanks.

To be honest I'm getting a picture of someone whose self-worth isn't locked inside her. And that comes I think from being a mother, and a bad marriage, and all that stuff.

Who is Cosmobella when she is alone? What does she want out of life? What career? What future? Without her own life created as the foundation of her existence, she's always going to be floating, never anchored, never safe.

Cosmobella has to start hanging out with Cosmobella, and asking Cosmobella what she thinks about this and that, and agreeing with Cosmobella here and there. If I sound obscure: I'm not. You are disconnected from your own opinions. You are disconnected from your own ego.

You've lost confidence. find your own self, your own future, your own life. don't rely on men to give you that part of yourself, and don't enter into a marriage until you are clear on who and what you are. You go into it now, you'll always be off kilter, you'll always be on the left foot, you'll always feel inferior.

Live life on your own terms.

SunofaBeach14

I did't hide them. He did.

That should at least raise your eyebrows. It's one thing if your husband has to "manage" things with his parents as many people from traditional backgrounds are put in that position, but be cautious that this doesn't cross the line into him being ashamed by your background. It won't get any easier after you marry.

forkofpower

NP. Wish I could shake that feeling of letting others define me.

I think you do care too much about what others think about you. Most people won't judge you -- but even if they did, so what? If most people on this random internet forum thought you were a loser -- would you then define yourself as a loser, because other people thought you were? Asking others their opinion of whether you are a 'loser' (based on nothing more than a forum post, nonetheless) is not helpful for gaining confidence or self-esteem. That's something that comes from within.

sc003ro

If you like the person you are .....who gives a hoot what they think....,they are not american they will never understand .....overtime show them by actions who you are and that they are wrong

lisalsd1

There are plenty of trashy people out there that have zero kids and have never been married/divorced...

I don't right-off-the-bat assume that someone with several kids and has been divorced is trashy. I usually assume that the person had kids at a young age. And this is kind of bad...but usually I assume that the man is the reason that the couple divorced. I usually assume that he was a jerk (I know, I know...that is sexist).

Honestly, it wouldn't matter to me who you were when you are 18...that probably seems like a lifetime ago at this point.

I had pretty terrible, judgmental in-laws. The FIL passed away several years ago; and my husband doesn't talk to his mother anymore. They really ruined their relationship with my husband with all of their crap.

mikeyboy

I think if you have read all the post, everyone has make mistakes in the past. I know I have. In the end it only matters the most of what YOU think about yourself. Do whatever you can to make your life the best it can be. Your kids are counting on you! That is what being a parent is all about. You sounds like you have all the tools to make this happen. A true test of how good a person is, not by how the whole world views you, but how your children view you. Good luck to you, make it happen!

cosmobella

You actually just freaked me out with your accuracy...creepy.

toadg53

I worked in social services for 35 years, and believe me, your story isn't anything to think twice about. It's not any different than probably, literally, millions of others out there. Everybody has their "stuff". Oh well. Sounds like you have raised fantastic kids. A lot of people can't say that. A lot wish they could say that. To hell with the future in-laws if they are that shallow to hold it against you becuz you had kids and relationships before you met their son. It's life. You lived your life. You're living your life with this fellow now and it sounds like it's a good one. Don't let anybody bring you or your family down.

Madame_Goldbricker

OP the bottom line is whatever choices/events have happened a long the way the end result is you have 4kids that you love. I don't see any negativity in that.

In my own circumstances I fell pregnant at 18 & split up with my partner. I've never been married & I've raised my now nearly 16yr old daughter alone. If someone outside my life has made any judgement calls on me that's fine! They're entitled to their opinion just as much as I'm entitled to mine. But at the end of the day their opinion doesn't account for much because its my life not theirs.

Maybe you could seek some professional support to help rebuild your confidence if its an issue for you.

Ilikelamps

Just break up






Amirite???

Mom2ATeam

Sweetie, you have my utmost respect and understanding. I'm a single mom. And, believe it or not, my boyfriend is someone who has been my best friend since we were 12. We met in 7th grade English class. After my separation 3 years ago, he was there for me, as always, and this time things just blossomed into something more. We went on our first date a little over 2 months after my ex-husband left. He hid our relationship from his family for a little while because my divorce wasn't final and he was worried about how they would react to that. But in the end, we just didn't address that. Nobody asked and we didn't bring it up.

Look, we've all made mistakes. We've all made choices that we look back and wish we hadn't made. But with the choices that we've made (lousy men to marry), we got something wonderful out of them. I got three beautiful children that I wouldn't trade for anything! And my BF's mom worries a lot about us getting married and him suddenly gaining three children, especially since one has Aspergers and ODD. But he accepts them. He knew from the get-go that we were a package deal. And, while it bugs me that she feels that way about my daughter, he feelings are what's important.

I'm not much older than you (33) but in the few years since my divorce I've learned to grab on to my own self-respect and not let others' opinions validate me. I did that for far too long. My ex was emotionally abusive and it took me a while to climb out of the damage that was done. But when I did, I found myself and made the decision that the opinions of others would never affect me again. As long as I'm doing my best as a mother and as a person in general, I can be happy with myself.

You're not alone. And you're doing great!

tiffanycherie

we all make mistakes, you just have to own up to where you, accept it, and move forward

^^
This

wheird

Not big on birth control?

bd0027

Guuurl, I married somebody I knew four months because we'd gotten pregnant after a night of too drunk to suit up. I'd been engaged 3 times prior to marrying my husband, I maintain complicated relationships with two of those men. People that don't know have to think I am complete weirdo, wh*reface.

Don't care, I am happy. My husband is happy. Our daughter is happy. It doesn't matter what your in laws think or what anyone here on MFP thinks. You have kids to a couple different men and are divorced. That is a lot of people's story. Do what you do and be happy.

Exactly. Chin up.

igottacomeup

So in short, I'm asking...how do people view me..

I view you as someone who has lost 31 pounds!

Just like with MFP, the focus shouldn't be more on your starting weight (whats in the past/what led up to where you are now) as much as it should be on the goal you are working toward. Despite what you've done in life, (1) take an assessment (shame, guilt, pity, self-esteem, etc.) of any cycles you continue to be stuck in, and (2) identify a goal (increasing self worth, building self-esteem, loving yourself despite your mistakes and despite others opinions, etc) and work toward it.

MysteriousLdy

So in short, I'm asking...how do people view me..

I view you as someone who has lost 31 pounds!

Just like with MFP, the focus shouldn't be more on your starting weight (whats in the past/what led up to where you are now) as much as it should be on the goal you are working toward. Despite what you've done in life, (1) take an assessment (shame, guilt, pity, self-esteem, etc.) of any cycles you continue to be stuck in, and (2) identify a goal (increasing self worth, building self-esteem, loving yourself despite your mistakes and despite others opinions, etc) and work toward it.

Good saying

MysteriousLdy

Sweetie, you have my utmost respect and understanding. I'm a single mom. And, believe it or not, my boyfriend is someone who has been my best friend since we were 12. We met in 7th grade English class. After my separation 3 years ago, he was there for me, as always, and this time things just blossomed into something more. We went on our first date a little over 2 months after my ex-husband left. He hid our relationship from his family for a little while because my divorce wasn't final and he was worried about how they would react to that. But in the end, we just didn't address that. Nobody asked and we didn't bring it up.

Look, we've all made mistakes. We've all made choices that we look back and wish we hadn't made. But with the choices that we've made (lousy men to marry), we got something wonderful out of them. I got three beautiful children that I wouldn't trade for anything! And my BF's mom worries a lot about us getting married and him suddenly gaining three children, especially since one has Aspergers and ODD. But he accepts them. He knew from the get-go that we were a package deal. And, while it bugs me that she feels that way about my daughter, he feelings are what's important.

I'm not much older than you (33) but in the few years since my divorce I've learned to grab on to my own self-respect and not let others' opinions validate me. I did that for far too long. My ex was emotionally abusive and it took me a while to climb out of the damage that was done. But when I did, I found myself and made the decision that the opinions of others would never affect me again. As long as I'm doing my best as a mother and as a person in general, I can be happy with myself.

You're not alone. And you're doing great!

Lady..we have similar background. To have a spouse that was abusive in verbal as well as torturing us mentally. It was not fun. I was with the man since high school when I was 18yrs old, have 3 kids now. He was the only man in my life.

Whatever happens in life, the mistakes teach me well, luckily I am not turning stone-hearted,closing my eyes and shun myself away from everything.

I hate when the man never try to be sensitive, countless times after I pointed it out,yet it always lead to him storming out of house angrily, came back, still with the same insensitive attitude. He left me alone at most nights with 3 kids,doing his favourite activities until next day. When I asked him with normal tone abt his activities if he could spend more time with family, he would replied something hurtful back to me.

We have separated because it didnt work out. We have had lack of communication and understanding,yet he refused to see it as a problem and the man refuse to compromise for the better future for family.

Nicolee_2014

I saw a quote I guess, on 1 of my old colleagues FB saying "What other people think of you is none of your business, be you". Couldn't agree more!