I was married and had kids before him. Random.

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135

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  • Simone_King
    Simone_King Posts: 467 Member
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    I view you as a woman who made two bad mistakes. Stay strong.

    However, this next guy may not be the guy for you. o_o Consider your inlaws.
  • FatFreeFrolicking
    FatFreeFrolicking Posts: 4,252 Member
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    Not big on birth control?

    Totally out of line.

    Women who use birth control get pregnant all the time. Birth control isn't 100% effective.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    You want a stranger's honest opinion, rather than sugarcoating? I will imagine that my son is planning to marry you. From the little info. I have, I would say that you are someone who has had a history of making poor choices and that maybe you have some issues with self-esteem. There's a lot of baggage there - especially having to deal with multiple fathers and their families. It sounds complicated. Is there any current drama with your ex-husband or is he pretty much out of the picture? Parents just want their kids to be happy and maybe they're just scared that history will repeat itself with their son, too. I understand their fear.

    However, people make mistakes and what happened, happened. Your past is not as important as your present and your future. What matters is the kind of person you are today. And I just can't make that judgement based on these details. If you're an honest, compassionate and loving person, and my son wants you, who am I to stand in the way? You two have a baby and you're planning to get married. There's no point in having a bad attitude towards you. I think I should welcome the mother of my grandchild, love my grandchild's brothers and sisters, and support my child's marriage. :heart:

    It troubles me that your fiance hid your children from his parents, though. He knew they would disapprove and he was afraid of their reaction. You need to find out where he stands on this issue. Is he going to stick up for you and your marriage or will he let his family put stress on your relationship? In-laws can be the biggest A-holes, and if your man is more loyal to his mommy than he is to you, things won't be pleasant...(My husband had to put his Mom in check.) Good luck!
  • MrsC1st
    MrsC1st Posts: 45 Member
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    I'm glad that you had the courage to start this post, as this post has some very good advice. I would say live in the present and leave the past in the past; never forget what the past has taught you. Hugs
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    Not big on birth control?

    Totally out of line.

    Women who use birth control get pregnant all the time. Birth control isn't 100% effective.

    It isn't out of line at all.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    You had a baby at a semi-young age. I don't see that as a big deal (in terms of judging you), considering the majority of other people your age were doing the same thing you were to make the baby.

    You had two children with your husband. Sadly, it didn't work out. It's also not uncommon.

    You moved on with your life and have found another you are happy with. You are equally responsible for the child you made together. It was his decision as much as your decision to have sex before marriage. And it's no one's business but the two of you, as long as you can care for the children.

    So in short-I don't see your story as eyebrow raising.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    You had a baby at a semi-young age. I don't see that as a big deal (in terms of judging you), considering the majority of other people your age were doing the same thing you were to make the baby.

    You had two children with your husband. Sadly, it didn't work out. It's also not uncommon.

    You moved on with your life and have found another you are happy with. You are equally responsible for the child you made together. It was his decision as much as your decision to have sex before marriage. And it's no one's business but the two of you, as long as you can care for the children.

    So in short-I don't see your story as eyebrow raising.

    The OP's new hubby's parents arent looking at it from a circumstantial viewpoint. They are seeing it as "American girl with four children by three different fathers." That would be very alarming to them, especially as children out of wedlock are a big deal. As can be divorce.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    The OP's new hubby's parents arent looking at it from a circumstantial viewpoint. They are seeing it as "American girl with four children by three different fathers." That would be very alarming to them, especially as children out of wedlock are a big deal. As can be divorce.

    I do understand that, but OP wanted to know how people in general see her. There's nothing you can do about how the parents see you for what's already done. Since one of the three different fathers is their son, let him step up and handle his family.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    They rarely misbehave and are only with us part of the time.

    Who has them the other part of the time?
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
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    This is stupid to post on MFP, but this is my favorite place to be with the most motivation. So in short, I'm asking...how do people view me..HONESTLY. In your opinion, good or bad?

    I don't. To be honest, I can't. I don't know you and don't know exactly what you've been through. I've been through enough in my own life to know better than to start judging too harshly the personal choices of another. Now, I very like will end up posting some snark in here, perhaps a cat gif or two, as this thread heats up and goes down hill, but I won't be judging your personal life. In all seriousness, you have to hold you own head up, make your own decisions, and choose not to let others drag you down. You can't change who you are. Perhaps work a bit around the edges here and there, but that's all any of us can do. Don't let your future inlaws, or anyone on this board, control your self esteem.

    Best.Comment.Ever. ^^
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
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    I'm sorry you're having a hard time with extended family. I was married and it wasn't good, he was psychologically abusive, highly aggressive when drunk, borderline alcoholic, and so insecure. So I became his barf bag. I'd like to think I haven't done anything in this life to deserve such treatment and it sounds like you're in quite a similar position or at least have been. It is unbelievably easy to pass judgement on others and it seems to be even easier for the really weak among us to beat those already down on their bleeding knees. But when you turn the table around, you see all that chaos, all the insecurities and problems, and you find cold hearts. Their past is no excuse but maybe an explanation you need to put everything in the right context; making bad choices can happen to anyone, but what makes you a good person is how you deal with the mess you somehow managed to put yourself in. Never ever make them doubt you, corner you, put a stamp on your forehead telling you you're something you're not. You've survived and you have a choice to prosper. I hope you make the decision you need to make today and in the future that will ensure you and your immediate family a safe and loving home; that's all that matters. Teach your kids that there's no shame in struggle, but when they face their own challenges they do as best they can and keep their heads held high. That's all anyone can ask from fellow human beings.
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
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    Not big on birth control?
    What an appalling thing to say.
  • jec285
    jec285 Posts: 145 Member
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    Not big on birth control?

    Totally out of line.

    Women who use birth control get pregnant all the time. Birth control isn't 100% effective.

    IUDs are over 99% effective, but this topic is really besides the point.

    I won't judge you OP, but when you look at the facts of your situation without knowing you as a person, I think most parents would probably have some reservations, at least until they get to know you better.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    Judgmental in laws suck. Is he standing up to them or is he letting them disrespect you? That's the question you have to ask.

    Lots of great responses in here and I do believe the one right here is the most relevant.

    Agreed.
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
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    Not big on birth control?

    Totally out of line.

    Women who use birth control get pregnant all the time. Birth control isn't 100% effective.

    IUDs are over 99% effective, but this topic is really besides the point.

    I won't judge you OP, but when you look at the facts of your situation without knowing you as a person, I think most parents would probably have some reservations, at least until they get to know you better.
    And anyone with even half an upbringing would wait to pass judgment until after they've learned to know a person better - to see if there was a reason at all to push a nasty vibe.
  • 33Freya
    33Freya Posts: 468 Member
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    What you've been through has brought you to where you are now. Your man's opinion counts WAY more than his family, and you can let that be a moot point because whether they approve or not, you have a child together. Thicken your skin, dear. Don't let others criticize you too much. It is what it is and you are going to do the best with what you have. :flowerforyou:
  • sheepysaccount
    sheepysaccount Posts: 608 Member
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    My cousin has four kids from three different guys. I love her and the kids. I get along with her current SO just fine. And I know that I'll love her no matter what other choices she might make. :)

    So, the same goes for you. People who love you, love you regardless of the choices you made or if they approve. If they have a problem with how your life went, then that's their burden to carry and deal with.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    IUDs are over 99% effective, but this topic is really besides the point.

    For those that can tolerate them. But agreed, this is besides the point. OP didn't ask us what she should have done to avoid having four kids.
  • spoonful
    spoonful Posts: 200 Member
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    You sound like a human being to me. A pretty decent one too. I once did that whole interracial thing and it sucked when it came to her family. In the end they will be decent to you. Just be aware of the daggers in the back.
  • jec285
    jec285 Posts: 145 Member
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    Not big on birth control?

    Totally out of line.

    Women who use birth control get pregnant all the time. Birth control isn't 100% effective.

    IUDs are over 99% effective, but this topic is really besides the point.

    I won't judge you OP, but when you look at the facts of your situation without knowing you as a person, I think most parents would probably have some reservations, at least until they get to know you better.
    And anyone with even half an upbringing would wait to pass judgment until after they've learned to know a person better - to see if there was a reason at all to push a nasty vibe.

    "He is from Guyana, and his parents are these indian like, religious fanatics. I had to hide my other kids for awhile, but now they know about them. It's strange, because they are really upset. I guess they view me as some sleazy, loser American girl. Not the case"


    I guess if you're taking OP's words as 100% fact then sure, they're in the wrong. I'm a bit more cynical. She calls them religious fanatics, probably because they think she's a sloot, like anyone with more traditional views on family values than her must be some crazy zealot. Who is judging whom?


    This whole thread is kind of weird and pointless. Best of luck with all that OP.

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