rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

BobOki

You teach people how to treat you. If you were to lose the weight and he accepted you, then you have just taught him that it was okay to make your weight a relationship standard. I couldn't imagine that would've made for a healthy relationship.

I hope this helps you feel better. Know that you deserve more than what he has to offer. It sucks, but in time you will be stronger for it.

I got some small problems with this, but am completely open to discussion. A relationship is give and take, and this advice seems like nothing but take. I dictate how it will be and you take it or leave it. In real life most things should be a happy medium. Kinda sounds like he was not willing to take a chubbier girl and so he was leaving it.

I don't think what he did sounds like he had less to offer, it sounds like he took it or left it, and his idea was to leave it.

Cranquistador

respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...

no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..

and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!



and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.

I mean, with a nice guy like you out there, who wouldn't want to get on the Tinder saddle?

when i'm the saddle... lots of ladies here would babe.

lmao, your the exact example of a chick over Tinder that I would have absolutely zero ulterior motives with, but manage to be witty enough for me to be friends with... its just a different type of entertainment factor.

thanks for the example!!

lol what the hell?

I'm pretty sure I just got friend-zoned.

devastating, no?

It's just....I thought it was meant to be. He's so charming.

and humble.

Please... this is going to start going straight to my head..

the little one or the big one?

jkal1979

Could someone please write up this story from the guy's perspective? I have a feeling that he's being unfairly judged in this scenario and I think it would help to have some balance. (Ideally, we'd actually hear from him...but given that that's unlikely, perhaps someone could just make it up using a few likely assumptions?)

Of course he is being unfairly judged. Even though the OP has already admitted that she wasn't honest with him he is still the bad guy in this situation.

PRMinx

Please... this is going to start going straight to my head..

the little one or the big one?

:laugh:

brower47

Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

^^ This!

Online relationships never work out because the person that people make up in their mind and the person they are in reality usually always clash. See this as a learning experience and work on getting yourself healthy for YOU, not for anyone else.

I'll let my wife of 23+ years know this valuable information...that since she and I met online 24 years ago and started developing a relationship online prior to meeting in person many months later, that it's just not going to work out.

She'll be devastated...

...or relieved. One of these. Maybe both. But it was inevitable that it wasn't going to work out...because never.

need to tell my BF as well- we met through a forum and didn't date for some time- mutual interests kept us in communication- its' been three years- he buys me bike parts and steaks I'll be sad when I have to find a new one.

They should tell my oldest brother and his wife of 14 years and their five kids. It's going to be tough but better now before the kids hit puberty.

Cranquistador

oops

wheird

Could someone please write up this story from the guy's perspective? I have a feeling that he's being unfairly judged in this scenario and I think it would help to have some balance. (Ideally, we'd actually hear from him...but given that that's unlikely, perhaps someone could just make it up using a few likely assumptions?)

Exactly.

"Hi, I have been talking to this girl for several months and we were really falling for her. She was funny, engaging, and lead an active lifestyle. She recently moved and I started pressing to meet in person. She was really hesitant and told me she didn't want to because she recently got sick and gained a few pounds. Based on some older photos she sent, I decided that a few pounds didn't matter and set up the meeting anyway.

Well, when I got there, 'a few pounds' was really 60 and I was starting to doubt that this was recent as it's nearly impossible to gain weight that quickly, but I tried moving past it since we have such a great connection. A few hours passed and I kept thinking back to it and I just couldn't let it go. I tried making an excuse so I could go home and think things over but she kept asking what was wrong. I decided to be upfront with her and she started crying. I care for her so I spent the next two hours holding her and saying things will be ok, but I'm not sure they will be."

Cranquistador

Please... this is going to start going straight to my head..

the little one or the big one?

:laugh:

missdibs1

hi everyone

i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".

so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.

i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.

Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.

while I agree that this man was a jerk....I am sorry you kind of were one too

What were you thinking ? Penpals do not lovers make

Words are only a very very small part of attraction

You were lying to yourself

At least admit this?

Yes in my follow up posts I mention that I was probably delusional and not coming to terms about how I looked so I weaved a fantasy. But I truly believed he meant what he said. My pictures weren't fabricates or of someone else. They were me, just a lighter me. I recognize that I should have sent me a very recent one of my body without angles. The weight probably changed my face too. However I never lied to him about how I felt the weight gain and my illness. I regret it. But I saw the true him, while it hurts because I still love him. So much. Yet I know, he is done and will move on quickly. It makes my stomach turn to think of him with anyone else.

this was a truth pill it took me a long time to swallow

you cannot love another until you love yourself

sweetie you are not there yet but I think you know this? that's step one!

seltzermint555

I love how this guy is being demonized for not being attracted to her, lol.

Women do that crap all the time. As a woman, I think it is unfair to demonize him too.

I think men do the same thing. I've known plenty of men who were turned down, or dumped by a woman and automatically demonized her as being "too materialistic and a gold digger" when there were no signs to lead them to that conclusion.

ValGogo

hi everyone

i cant think straight right now but here is the story that leads up to my issue... i met this guy several months online while i wasn't looking for anyone or anything. back then, i was fit (running everyday, yoga, etc.) and confident, really content with myself but due to circumstances in my life, i was unable to see him. we continued talking for months, falling deeper and deeper into one another. it reached a point where we were talking marriage, and i never felt this way for anyone. our emotional and mental bond was beyond anything i imagined or dreamed of in another human being. i am still deeply in love and i feel i'd do anything for this man, also love him despite all his flaws. he promised and reassured me the same thing, we had open communication through-out the relationship and he swore he wouldn't hurt me, and always be with me through the worst. Well, i ended up moving about four hours away and got sick, therefore gained some odd 40 pounds within a few months. he kept pressing on for meeting yet at this point i was making excuses so i wouldn't have to see him like this, for i stopped being happy with myself. i finally got the medical attention my condition needed and i am confident in losing the weight within the next few months. however, i decided to meet him anyway because i truly believed he would accept me no matter what, considering this would be "me at my worst".

so despite feeling ill about it and kinda having a bad feeling, we met. it seemed fine at first but then over the night he started getting cold. eventually he said he needed to go home because he wasn't feeling well (he drove four hours to see me). i ended up pressing him because i knew it was something else. he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew. however, i wasnt prepared how hard it would hit me. i ended up bawling for two hours while he hugged me and said he needed time to think when i asked him if he loved me. he called me a "beautiful person" while i said "not beautiful enough for you", and other things like "i think it's going to be okay", "i think i love you" (note: we had been saying we loved each other for months and when he first stepped into the room, he said he loved me). then after two hours of us sitting in the dark with me crying, he left.

i didn't sleep the entire night and i feel numb, empty like a shell. he said he would continue talking to me. i told him i'd "fix" myself and change, learn to love myself again and be the happy, fit me again. however, i don't know what to do now. i feel conflicted and sick, my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything makes me cry. when he said he would love me unconditionally, i believed it. i haven't been this hurt in seven years, and it stings more then any other "relationship" i've been in. while online relationships seem sketchy and unrealistic, our connection was unprecedented. until he saw me, that is. We have communicated recently and decided to keep talking, but it's clear as day that he wants nothing more then friends... if i can even manage that.

Now, from an objective point of view should i look at this as motivation to lose/a giant reality check? I'm not sure if this is the case, if i have been delusional about my body. I don't think I know how big i am, I know I'm overweight but I don't feel "fat". When I work out, I have intense stamina and power. I don't feel like dying exercising and no one has previously rejected me based on weight. Yet, evidence proves otherwise (scale, rejection). I'm devastated and know that fantasy became reality, and reality sucked. I am wondering, should I get myself "fixed" and try for this guy again? It feels like nothing will get better at the moment, like i'm spiraling down a hole and my heart is permanently broken. please. no judgements, thank you.

while I agree that this man was a jerk....I am sorry you kind of were one too

What were you thinking ? Penpals do not lovers make

Words are only a very very small part of attraction

You were lying to yourself

At least admit this?

Yes in my follow up posts I mention that I was probably delusional and not coming to terms about how I looked so I weaved a fantasy. But I truly believed he meant what he said. My pictures weren't fabricates or of someone else. They were me, just a lighter me. I recognize that I should have sent me a very recent one of my body without angles. The weight probably changed my face too. However I never lied to him about how I felt the weight gain and my illness. I regret it. But I saw the true him, while it hurts because I still love him. So much. Yet I know, he is done and will move on quickly. It makes my stomach turn to think of him with anyone else.

this was a truth pill it took me a long time to swallow

you cannot love another until you love yourself

sweetie you are not there yet but I think you know this? that's step one!

Step one!!!! "We admitted we were powerless over _______, and our lives had become unmanageable."

Yay for step one!

Onderwoman

Could someone please write up this story from the guy's perspective? I have a feeling that he's being unfairly judged in this scenario and I think it would help to have some balance. (Ideally, we'd actually hear from him...but given that that's unlikely, perhaps someone could just make it up using a few likely assumptions?)

So, I met this girl online. We really connected and I thought I was in love. She was pretty attractive from all the pictures, but we never did video chat or anything. She told me she had gained some from illness but I didn't think it would matter to me. We finally met in person and yeah, she had gained weight but again, I thought I could let it go. However as the night went on it was apparent that she was really self conscious and not the confident, sexy, assertive woman I thought she was and I started noticing the weight more and more. I really thought I could get over it but it seem to really change her personality as well. Finally, at the end of the night I made the decision that it would be horrible to lead her on and pretend that the feelings I thought I had for her prior to our meeting were still there. They just weren't. I can't really explain why. I did what I thought was right and let her know how I felt. Now I feel horrible about the whole thing. I do care about her. I know I hurt her and wish I could help her feel but I don't know how so I guess for now all I can do is try to keep being friends with her.

^^ I can add to that: "and then I talked with my friend who told me if you don't care for her the same way, cut it off now so you don't hurt her, don't show her emotion or closeness so she doesn't get it mixed up. So now when we talk online I don't mention it, so I don't hurt her, I just try to be a friend."

Let him go and move on girl, you can have better anyways!

ValGogo

I love my motorcycle. He's my soulmate.



You know, recently, I thought about how it would be nice to be in a long-term relationship.

Then I mistakenly thought that no man likes a tall, chick-grease-monkey who rides a bike and a bicycle, gets her hands dirty, who's hair is always curly and crazy, works out with weights, likes to watch planes bank in the sky and look at constellations.

THEN I realized, "HEY, I may be a little lonely, but I sure ain't bored and I have LOTS of fun."

I like me. :smooched:

wheird

Could someone please write up this story from the guy's perspective? I have a feeling that he's being unfairly judged in this scenario and I think it would help to have some balance. (Ideally, we'd actually hear from him...but given that that's unlikely, perhaps someone could just make it up using a few likely assumptions?)

Exactly.

"Hi, I have been talking to this girl for several months and we were really falling for her. She was funny, engaging, and lead an active lifestyle. She recently moved and I started pressing to meet in person. She was really hesitant and told me she didn't want to because she recently got sick and gained a few pounds. Based on some older photos she sent, I decided that a few pounds didn't matter and set up the meeting anyway.

Well, when I got there, 'a few pounds' was really 60 and I was starting to doubt that this was recent as it's nearly impossible to gain weight that quickly, but I tried moving past it since we have such a great connection. A few hours passed and I kept thinking back to it and I just couldn't let it go. I tried making an excuse so I could go home and think things over but she kept asking what was wrong. I decided to be upfront with her and she started crying. I care for her so I spent the next two hours holding her and saying things will be ok, but I'm not sure they will be."

What's with all the talk?

"Dude what happened with that yoga instructor you were talking to?"

"Catfish'd."

*resume playing X-box*

Tl;dr version :laugh:

So_Much_Fab

"Hi, I have been talking to this girl for several months and we were really falling for her. She was funny, engaging, and lead an active lifestyle. She recently moved and I started pressing to meet in person. She was really hesitant and told me she didn't want to because she recently got sick and gained a few pounds. Based on some older photos she sent, I decided that a few pounds didn't matter and set up the meeting anyway.

Well, when I got there, 'a few pounds' was really 60 and I was starting to doubt that this was recent as it's nearly impossible to gain weight that quickly, but I tried moving past it since we have such a great connection. A few hours passed and I kept thinking back to it and I just couldn't let it go. I tried making an excuse so I could go home and think things over but she kept asking what was wrong. I decided to be upfront with her and she started crying. I care for her so I spent the next two hours holding her and saying things will be ok, but I'm not sure they will be."

Yeah, I'm thinking this is pretty much spot on.

OP said in the beginning she was fit, confident, etc. Then she moved. Then she got sick and gained weight. She also said that she shared a lot of deep personal stuff w/ this guy. All of these things, IMO, came too early in the process of them getting to know one another. You're not going to pique or keep a guy's interest in the beginning with heavy stuff like that. Then she started questioning him when she sensed something was off, asking if it was her weight. Then...2 hours of crying - that alone would scare anyone off, I would think. I understand she was upset and confused but as another poster said, sometimes we women use that to try to manipulate a situation.

What I still can't figure out is why he said he loved her when they first got together, then later said "I think I can love you".

ValGogo

I love how this guy is being demonized for not being attracted to her, lol.

Women do that crap all the time. As a woman, I think it is unfair to demonize him too.

I think men do the same thing. I've known plenty of men who were turned down, or dumped by a woman and automatically demonized her as being "too materialistic and a gold digger" when there were no signs to lead them to that conclusion.

This is why we are opposite sexes. We can't live with or without each other. Crazy mixed up humans!

MrTolerable

respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...

no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..

and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!



and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.

I mean, with a nice guy like you out there, who wouldn't want to get on the Tinder saddle?

when i'm the saddle... lots of ladies here would babe.

lmao, your the exact example of a chick over Tinder that I would have absolutely zero ulterior motives with, but manage to be witty enough for me to be friends with... its just a different type of entertainment factor.

thanks for the example!!

lol what the hell?

I'm pretty sure I just got friend-zoned.

devastating, no?

It's just....I thought it was meant to be. He's so charming.

and humble.

Please... this is going to start going straight to my head..

the little one or the big one?

Will you be my friend?

jofjltncb6

"Hi, I have been talking to this girl for several months and we were really falling for her. She was funny, engaging, and lead an active lifestyle. She recently moved and I started pressing to meet in person. She was really hesitant and told me she didn't want to because she recently got sick and gained a few pounds. Based on some older photos she sent, I decided that a few pounds didn't matter and set up the meeting anyway.

Well, when I got there, 'a few pounds' was really 60 and I was starting to doubt that this was recent as it's nearly impossible to gain weight that quickly, but I tried moving past it since we have such a great connection. A few hours passed and I kept thinking back to it and I just couldn't let it go. I tried making an excuse so I could go home and think things over but she kept asking what was wrong. I decided to be upfront with her and she started crying. I care for her so I spent the next two hours holding her and saying things will be ok, but I'm not sure they will be."

Yeah, I'm thinking this is pretty much spot on.

OP said in the beginning she was fit, confident, etc. Then she moved. Then she got sick and gained weight. She also said that she shared a lot of deep personal stuff w/ this guy. All of these things, IMO, came too early in the process of them getting to know one another. You're not going to pique or keep a guy's interest in the beginning with heavy stuff like that. Then she started questioning him when she sensed something was off, asking if it was her weight. Then...2 hours of crying - that alone would scare anyone off, I would think. I understand she was upset and confused but as another poster said, sometimes we women use that to try to manipulate a situation.

What I still can't figure out is why he said he loved her when they first got together, then later said "I think I can love you".

My working theory is she surprised him with an "I LOVE YOU!" and he knee-jerk responded in kind.

Just a theory though.

MrTolerable

Could someone please write up this story from the guy's perspective? I have a feeling that he's being unfairly judged in this scenario and I think it would help to have some balance. (Ideally, we'd actually hear from him...but given that that's unlikely, perhaps someone could just make it up using a few likely assumptions?)

Exactly.

"Hi, I have been talking to this girl for several months and we were really falling for her. She was funny, engaging, and lead an active lifestyle. She recently moved and I started pressing to meet in person. She was really hesitant and told me she didn't want to because she recently got sick and gained a few pounds. Based on some older photos she sent, I decided that a few pounds didn't matter and set up the meeting anyway.

Well, when I got there, 'a few pounds' was really 60 and I was starting to doubt that this was recent as it's nearly impossible to gain weight that quickly, but I tried moving past it since we have such a great connection. A few hours passed and I kept thinking back to it and I just couldn't let it go. I tried making an excuse so I could go home and think things over but she kept asking what was wrong. I decided to be upfront with her and she started crying. I care for her so I spent the next two hours holding her and saying things will be ok, but I'm not sure they will be."

What's with all the talk?

"Dude what happened with that yoga instructor you were talking to?"

"Catfish'd."

*resume playing X-box*

Tl;dr version :laugh:

lmfao!!!