How would you feel?

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Replies

  • Hippiemomof4
    Hippiemomof4 Posts: 10 Member
    I dont know your situation, but I do know this. I have a very happy marriage, never once...no not once...has he EVER compared me to another woman. When I say, man I need to lose 50 pounds he says..well if thats what you feel like you need to do for you then Ill help you.

    Now we have had conversations that start like..if you could pick five celebrities that if asked you would have a free pass to shag..who would they be...but it's in good fun. we know that brangelina isn't going to show up at our door for a night of wonton bliss..lol. He has never used that conversation to make me feel bad about what attributes I dont have. and no matter what his type may be..he is gracious and thankful that he has me. He is encouraging in all of my endeavors and always seeks to lift me up. and I try my very hardest to do the same for him because thats what you do when you love someone for who they are, and not for what benefit you think they may bring to your life.

    If that isnt the case for you than why waste your time giving your heart and body to a person who doesnt appreciate it..life is just too short for that.
  • hzliiz
    hzliiz Posts: 166 Member
    So listen...

    1) If he doesn't make you feel loved and desired and supported, he's doing it wrong. Period.

    2) I checked out your pics -- he's not bad looking but I think you're out of his league, and that's just a shallow assessment based on looks. Personality wise it seems your playing a different game altogether.

    Be with someone who makes you feel like your best self when you're with him, and who you can do the same for.
  • rushmama5
    rushmama5 Posts: 49 Member
    Is it wrong for me to want to be with a man that cant keep his hands off me, instead of constantly pointing out my flaws or pointing out other girls perks to me.

    Nope -- in my opinion, it's RIGHT to insist on those things.

    In the past I was married to a man who thought I was just great - but he was actually most attracted to a totally different type of woman...no makeup, short and fairly skinny, who likes to hang out at the lake, drink beer, and chain-smoke. He often kinda fawned over this type of woman, even more so if she was a heavily tattooed waitress in a restaurant who was clearly down on her luck, with a sob story, etc.. So, the TOTAL opposite of me in every way. I always knew that I wasn't really his type, and kind of felt like we were settling for e/o physically because we were both very obese.

    My current husband has a *thing* for nerdy, independent chicks with curves/hips, the taller the better, loves dark hair and fair skin, and so on. I am almost stereotypically "his type" and I feel every single day how attracted he is to me. It's the exact same thing from my end, he is a redhead (my thing) and gorgeously my type.

    In my opinion...YOU DESERVE THAT (mutual attraction to the extreme)!!! I waited until I was 35 to have that and I wish I hadn't settled in the past.

    I don't really understand the criticism your boyfriend is giving to you. I do think it can be a slippery slope toward abusive and control but I also think it sounds more likely that he's just not so bright ;-/ Maybe he feels like you are a confident woman who can "handle it"...he needs a serious reality check.

    Obviously I don't know all of the ins and outs of your entire relationship based on 1 forum post. But I would probably consider this a pretty serious issue.

    Well thought out response and in the right spirit of concern > I was distracted by the 82 POUNDS! WAY to GO!
  • rushmama5
    rushmama5 Posts: 49 Member
    Take CAUTION you people that are commenting on her pics. You may be commenting on pics of guys that are her friends, so then you would be insulting a mfp friend from this site( instead of her taste in men)regardless, how about a PAUSE before posting something regrettable.
  • littleburgy
    littleburgy Posts: 570 Member
    Relationships and marriage are hard enough without that kind of crap. He needs to either get in line or get shown the door.
  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
    If my boyfriend (who I've been with for three years) had EVER said something like that to me, he would not be my boyfriend any more.

    It's fine for people to have preferences. It's not fine to put other people down - especially someone you're dating! - because they don't fit your *personal* preferences.

    I've never liked body hair on guys. My bf is one of the hairiest guys I've ever met. He's still the sexiest man in the world to me. He likes natural redheads; I'm naturally blonde (though dye my hair red-blonde because I like it better that way) and I know he still thinks I'm seriously hot stuff. That's the way it's supposed to be. If your boyfriend makes you feel like crap about yourself, you deserve so, SO much better.

    Also, I work with victims of domestic violence so I'm extra sensitive to this stuff, but just a note: constantly putting someone down in a relationship, especially when the person KNOWS it will hurt the other person's feelings, is one of the earliest signs of abuse.
  • 56_Bella
    56_Bella Posts: 1
    Why do people reply to only say things like "my boyfriend is the complete opposite of this?" how does that help.....
  • hstoblish
    hstoblish Posts: 234 Member
    When I was about your age I was dating a guy who would make comments about my body. I was actually borderline underweight and it very nearly became a problem for me.

    You look great. You seem sharp. Why are you with someone who makes you feel less than anything or anyone else.

    My husband will never convince me that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on, but I know he loves me and the way that I look.

    And here's the thing. Back when I was with that ex. The guy who made me feel fat when I was so thin that people in my life thought I had an ED. That guy? My husband was right there. He was dating someone else, but we were friends. I never thought a guy as cool as him would be into me. And he didn't think a girl as "pretty as me" would be into him. He was. I was. And holy hell, 9 years later and the way he looks at me makes me feel like the only woman in the world. And that alone was worth my decision not to settle. Funny thing, I still have nightmares that I'm with my ex still and that someone important is missing from my life, and I go looking for my husband. I wake up so relived and so happy.

    If you are seriously thinking of breaking up with him, or seriously questioning your relationship, here are some things to consider: how does your family react to your bf? Your closest brother, sister, parent etc. the people who know you best. Do they like him? Do they like how he treats you? When they laugh at his jokes, is it their real laugh? Do they just seem to tolerate him? How about your best friend? My experience has been that your close friends and family (barring any dysfunction there), are great judges of who suits you and treats you well. If they love you, they'll want the best for you.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    I wouldn't waste my time with that guy. Your significant other should make you feel good, not bring you down or make you feel insecure. He's clearly not the man for you. :flowerforyou:
  • SnuggleSmacks
    SnuggleSmacks Posts: 3,731 Member
    I hate to say it, but your boyfriend sounds like an insensitive jerk, at best. There's no way that he could be completely unaware of how you would feel upon hearing these unsolicited preferences. I won't even speculate on his motives, but his actions are frankly insulting. Personally, I would simply not put up with being with a man who treated me that way.

    Just trust that not all men behave that way and you deserve much better.
  • curls235
    curls235 Posts: 7 Member
    I think you should show him all these messages, maybe he might start treating you with some respect :)
  • Jazz_2014
    Jazz_2014 Posts: 150 Member
    Certainly difficult to respond to a brief description of a conversation but here are a few things that come to mind.
    Are you placing too much into a comment?
    Are you allowing it to feed into what might be the biggest culprit, your own self esteem?
    Have you considered/discussed the reasons why your boyfriend loves you?
    Have you considered that sexy and attractiveness is not all about the physical being?

    Maybe the boyfriends comments are a red flag but maybe the openness of you both having a discussion has more weight then the actual comments.

    Personally I prefer the openness. My husband of 25 years loves shapely legs. He won't get them with me. Who knows maybe he likes them as he knows he won't? There had to be ALOT more of me that he liked, then what he didn't like to put up with me ha,ha.

    Your self esteem is not and should not be dictated by someone else. Its what you do with the information that is important and from reading the posts, you can see different people have different opinions.

    Maybe you should have another conversation.
  • Pmsylvester
    Pmsylvester Posts: 36 Member
    Why do people reply to only say things like "my boyfriend is the complete opposite of this?" how does that help.....

    Because sometimes we normalize behavior based on what we see every day. So the idea is that it's helpful to know everyone isn't living like that and things can be different.
  • TXRanchGirl
    TXRanchGirl Posts: 303
    O.K., so I'm a little bit jealous of you people with these idyllic relationships, but if somebody is retarded you have compassion, right? My husband is amazing in a lot of ways, but has probably hurt my feelings hundreds of times. What people say is not personal even though it seems so. It comes through the filter of their ego. My Husband has an ego inflated to the extent that I think of it as a sort of retardation and he needs to evolve into emotional maturity. For now he's just RETARDED. Ha Ha

    ROTFL! Sounds like mine!!
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,629 Member
    :drinker: there are other fishies in the sea, honey :drinker:
  • hoyalawya2003
    hoyalawya2003 Posts: 631 Member
    Feeling eff you is a very reasonable response!

    Maybe you should take it upon yourself to regularly give him details about what you like in a man. Bring it up at least every week. Go into extreme detail. Focus on a part of his body that is "okay" and "at least you have that going for you."

    What does stooping down to his level do? It doesn't make her any better of a person. BTW I am also dealing with issues of taking the high road and being the better person.

    Taking the high road in a romantic relationship is only going to work if it is the road out of there.
  • farfromthetree
    farfromthetree Posts: 982 Member
    Feeling eff you is a very reasonable response!

    Maybe you should take it upon yourself to regularly give him details about what you like in a man. Bring it up at least every week. Go into extreme detail. Focus on a part of his body that is "okay" and "at least you have that going for you."

    What does stooping down to his level do? It doesn't make her any better of a person. BTW I am also dealing with issues of taking the high road and being the better person.

    Taking the high road in a romantic relationship is only going to work if it is the road out of there.

    Love that quote!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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