Success story to Failure

Fugeela

Okay, so I have not posted on here in a while in terms of a thread. But last year this time I was feeling the same way, but I was a lot smaller than I am now, and now I feel just absolutely sick and ridiculous, I can't be happy.

I see a therapist. Over the winter I put on quite a bit of pounds, and a lot of body fat. I feel so worthless and undesirable as a young woman. I am a musician and cannot be happy or find any confidence in my ugly and terrible repulsive body because it is just ridiculous and so damn stupid. I am thankful to be alive, and to be 'healthy' but I am not content and happy about my condition. I would love to for once be stunned with my growth and progress, but everyday is the same. I am just so ugly and repulsive and this does not make it better. I know not to say these things about myself but I am fed up and telling the truth. It hinders my truth as a young woman and makes me unable to function well socially and in my personal life.

I believe beauty is who you are as a person not your physical disposition, but I am tired of being so ugly and just disgusting. This stupid body has no strength whatsoever, flab everywhere now, I have a massive back that resembles The Great Wall of China everytime I look at it.

I know this is a very negative thread but I am coming from a place of sadness, frustration, and depression because of this. I have worried about my weight all my life because people have commented on it. I am a 110-100 pounds smaller than I once was years ago in my early teens but still ugly and repulsive and have not grown mentally with this issue ever. I want to grow, I want to love my body, but it is disgusting.

I have plans for my day, and as an artist this stifles my creativity because all I think about is how hideous and fat I am, and disgusting. I do my best to exercise, more than once a day, because I am desperate to see a change, and no stinking change. Just still ugly and fat. I hate this so much. I see a counselor, and unfortunately, I have not grown from this. I don't want to be this negative sad girl anymore, I want to grow, but I hate what I see.

I am not giving up but I just feel fed up with this it disables me causing me to not progress and consumes me because this is something that holds me back in my life.

I looked in the mirror and just felt to hurt myself, and though I would not do so, I just can't seem to get anxious. I want to practice my music but I am stuck thinking about how disgusting my body is and how badly I want to go to the gym for hours and workout and not give up everyday.

Now I have intense back fat that I had at 160, at 140, last year I was at 134 and looked completely thinner although I thought I was repulsive then (still wanted to lose twenty pounds). I am young and should not be this ugly and massive, it just hurts my soul to know that this is me.

I would just like some encouragement.

I just feel to ball my eyes out. I am tired of people telling me I am okay and don't need to lose any weight they are liars and trying to stop me from accomplishing my desires, and think that this ugliness is acceptable. By the way, I am ugly in appearance in general, but me having weight on makes it worse.

I can't do this. I just want to be 118-120, and low body fat, strong, fit, healthy, happy, and beautiful. I want to see how different my face looks ( I pray very difference if I slim down, in hopes I will look different) I can't be stuck like this. I've hit a plateau and I want this demon of appearance to stop plaguing me.

I am just looking for some encouragement because I don't have any friends, as this makes me unable to do much. I just obsess over what I eat, exercise, and my looks because it is horrible and causes a lot of problems in my life, as it has for all of my life.

I posted this in a different section, but I thought to post it here instead because I realize I was once a "success" story and now I am just a flop in my own eyes. My body fat is incredibly high, I now have cellulite, a massive tire around my waist and lower back to the point if I bend forward my belly fat forms a pool of fat above my thighs. And if I lean back as if I were doing a backbend there are creases, deep plated creases, of fat hovering above my behind, causing dents. I am just so sick and tired of this.

Last year when I was a success "I wasn't really a success", I still felt disgusting and plateaued and now that I've gained some weight back (less than ten, last year May 134-135/ December 138, and now 140 probably or 143, with a lot of body fat, last year I was 22.4) I am just disgusted. When will I progress? I hate this so much.

I am just in need of positive reassurance or tips. I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life. I hate writing a food journal, I hate that I can't just be a normal 21 year old girl and grow because this consumes my thoughts. I have talent and intelligence and ideas, the ability, but this makes me so weak. I want this to stop burdening me. I want top be 119 pounds, I am 5'7. I am also young so I want to accomplish this, almost twenty two in fall, and I just feel like a failure, how can I be so ugly, fat, disgusting, and repulsive in one? I want this to stop. I feel my heart racing as I type and deal with aanxiety because of all of this.

I am currently doing 30 day shred, and go to the gym and do things thereas well, but I spend hours doing physical activity because this is just terrible and I feel sick.

melaniedsm

You are a super downer! This seems like self hate and you need to be having this conversation with a therapist. This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide. Maybe you need a different therapist or more visits...

AllOutof_Bubblegum

Sorry about your troubles, but really there is no need to post this in more than just one topic category.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324926-incredibly-sad

JoRocka

I am just in need of positive reassurance or tips. I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life

wait.hold up. So you're telling me that doing a little food tracking and calorie counting is more destructive than this self loathing and blogging is?

Interesting.

you either hate how things are and you work to change them.
or you hate how things are and just complain about it.

Honestly I see paragraph after paragraph of depressing hate... and 2 sentences describing what you are doing about it.

Spend more time focusing on what you are doing, where you are going and how you are going to get there and about 95% less time ruminating about how much you hate yourself.

Fugeela

Sorry about your troubles, but really there is no need to post this in more than just one topic category.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324926-incredibly-sad

Sorry yes I realized, but I wasn't sure if this was best fit for this section or the other! Thanks, it can be taken down if possible as I don't mean to spam, it's just after I realized, I thought maybe it would be best suited for this.

Thank you for showing support though regardless xx

Fugeela

I am just in need of positive reassurance or tips. I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life

wait.hold up. So you're telling me that doing a little food tracking and calorie counting is more destructive than this self loathing and blogging is?

Interesting.

you either hate how things are and you work to change them.
or you hate how things are and just complain about it.

Honestly I see paragraph after paragraph of depressing hate... and 2 sentences describing what you are doing about it.

Spend more time focusing on what you are doing, where you are going and how you are going to get there and about 95% less time ruminating about how much you hate yourself.

I track my food in a food journal via my book, but not on here as I get a bit antsy about that at times. I do know I complain a lot about it but it is just because I feel helpless and don't know how to not feel such way as it comes back. I can't give up but it is the lack of progress and just unattainable goal it seems, although it is.

I will do my best to try much harder, but I am just saying I obsess over this, and wanted the support because sometimes I feel it's just me who feels so terrible about themselves.

sweetcurlz67

sweetie... the only way to change this is to record your food and exercise and do something about it. you're about my height (I'm 5'6.5") and weigh less than I do (I'm 186.2). You're blessed and beautiful. Negative talk does no good. I know it's difficult but try to tell yourself how beautiful you are! If parts of your body annoy you, do things to try to fix it (exercise).

I shared a couple links, one was a success story I posted a few weeks ago of my own, basically talks about my excuses, but I didn't say on there that I used a lot of negative self-talk as well, so I can relate. the other is a guide to help you. both links also share that it starts with YOU! YOU CAN DO IT!!! :flowerforyou:




http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1305329-excuses-excuses?hl=excuses...+excuses&page=3#posts-20241622
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1175494-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants?hl=guide+to+sexy

JoRocka

I am just in need of positive reassurance or tips. I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life

wait.hold up. So you're telling me that doing a little food tracking and calorie counting is more destructive than this self loathing and blogging is?

Interesting.

you either hate how things are and you work to change them.
or you hate how things are and just complain about it.

Honestly I see paragraph after paragraph of depressing hate... and 2 sentences describing what you are doing about it.

Spend more time focusing on what you are doing, where you are going and how you are going to get there and about 95% less time ruminating about how much you hate yourself.

I track my food in a food journal via my book, but not on here as I get a bit antsy about that at times. I do know I complain a lot about it but it is just because I feel helpless and don't know how to not feel such way as it comes back. I can't give up but it is the lack of progress and just unattainable goal it seems, although it is.

I will do my best to try much harder, but I am just saying I obsess over this, and wanted the support because sometimes I feel it's just me who feels so terrible about themselves.

nope. you aren't.

thousands of people hate themselves regularly. I know I get very moody and dejected- usually when I'm not focused on a goal.

I'm VERY type A personality- and I have to be always busy- get sunshine- and exercise and "socializing" to stay balanced. but really I just don't allow myself time to sit around and think about being miserable- when I'm busy doing awesome things- I remember how awesome I am

so focus on those things- focus on short term goals- that lead to a longer goal. You are not alone- you live on a planet with billions of people- you are not the only one- I promise.

Now- go forth and be fabulous!!!

Lialena

I think you need to go back to your therapist and let him or her know how you are feeling. If you are existing in this kind of negative state, and are prone to obsessiveness and anxiety when working to improve your health, then you need more help then forum strangers can really give you.
You may want to consider seeking additional help from different types of therapy, as well as a medical check-up. You want to make sure you don't have hormonal or dietary issues impacting your health, as that can impact your mood, and you should get assessed by a psychiatrist for the possibility you may need meds for a brain chemistry imbalance.

Since you wanted tips, one that works for me that you may like: Interrupt negative thoughts. Whenever you catch yourself making a mental, verbal, or written statement that is hard on yourself, stop, tell yourself 'no I don't need to think like that, I am going to let that thought go', and then smile. When you do this also change your posture. Relax your shoulders, shake out your hands, sit up straighter.
Try to find something really funny to watch or read too, because laughing releases endorphins and will help your mood.
This won't help over night. But the more you do it the more it helps.

weather_nerd

One step at a time. There is absolutely no need to take drastic measures. Do NOT starve yourself. Do NOT over-exercise. There is no need for it, and it will only do more harm than good.

I won't go into exquisite details here, but I've struggled with appearance and weight since the ripe age of ten. I was enrolled in a sports program, and we had to do some sort of physical assessment. Weighing in at 90 lb, I was told I needed to lose weight immediately. I just carried this with me for such a long time.

We always see fault in ourselves at some time or another. There is one thing you like about yourself, I guarantee it. It doesn't matter what it is. IT could be your hair, your nails, your skin, your eyes, anything. Pick one thing. Focus on it. Play it up. Make small changes.

Like I said, one step at a time.

queenbekks

First, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. There are MANY people here who really understand, and really care. I recommend you find a different counselor. The one you're seeing may be an great therapist, and you may have a great relationship with him/her, but their method is clearly not 'clicking' with you. And this level of self-hate really sounds like it needs some professional help, although you have to be willing to do the soul-searching and work that goes into successful therapy. Also, maybe check out "TheMilitantBaker.com". This gal has an awesome blog about learning to accept and love ourselves (and she's very funny!). You really are beautiful just the way you are. It has taken me a long time to feel this way about myself, and I definitely still have plenty of 'bad' days, but you can get there too. Good luck!

pure777

sounds a bit self pitying tbh huni.. come on.. artist or not.. u need to get a grip and get help.. if you are seeing a therapist maybe get a new one.. if you're not on medication.. get some.. wanna lose some weight.. eat less than u burn... keep a diary or log on to this and track it all.. I'm sorry u hate yourself that much.. I truly do but you are the only one that can change your negative cycle of self hate.. not one of us can do this for you.. we'll all be here to help boost you along but we can't drag u to where you want to be kicking and screaming.. just breathe and love yourself cause if you don't no one else is likely to.. xxx

GCanha

It sound to me like you need help. SERIOUS Help. Your self worth is tied into how you look, and even that seems distorted. I don't even think this is a weight issue, I think you have other internal issues you need to address before you tackle the external ones.

Until you change how you feel about yourself, you will not be able to change your circumstances. You need a certain amount of confidence and self love to take control of your life- otherwise, you're letting others control it for you.

I have never considered myself to be good looking. And I have been overweight all my adult life (hence only the headshot). But I am smart, driven and compassionate and that is what (I hope) people see when they look at me.

So go get help...treat yourself better than this- you're worth more than this.

CJisinShape

First, bravo to you for reaching out for help! Second, I'd like for you to read this and post what your thoughts are on her journey:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation

lczackery

Oh dear. If this is how you are doing with a therapist, you need to change therapists. Sometimes a therapist who is not so comfy can be really honest with you. your weight is the least of your problems right now. the self hate you talk about is incredibly self destructive. have you considered a eating disorder program or group. you could use support from others who feel like you do. Chances are that you could weigh 90 lbs and still think you are hideous. You are seeing an awful twisted version of you. please get help.

mathjulz

You're seeing a therapist. That's a good first step. If you don't mind, I'd like to share my story:

I can totally feel where you're coming from. I've had depression since high school, but it got progressively worse over the last few years. I got to my highest non-pregnant weight because I didn't care. I started seeing a therapist, but there were so many things I had a hard time sharing even with her, and it seemed like a lot of other things she didn't understand (like I wasn't explaining them well enough). So after a while I quit going.

I was doing all the "good mental health habits." Or , trying to. But every time I'd tell myself something positive, that monster would rise up inside, laugh derisively, and tell me I was fooling myself. I tried working out, but it only helped sometimes. I was having anxiety/panic attacks nearly every week.

Last fall I talked to my primary care doctor. I asked if I could have something to treat the anxiety (I was thinking something like Xanax - to take when I had a panic attack). She asked a few insightful questions and suggested an antidepressant that treats anxiety as well. I was hesitant. But I was also ready to try for something to make a difference. I was scared because I'd heard things about these medications stifling creativity - I'm a writer - but I couldn't be creative while feeling the way I did. I decided to go for it.

She gave me the lowest dose of Paxil. It took a couple of weeks (that's common) but the difference was honestly like night and day. I am able to be happy without feeling guilty about it. I'm able to actually practice those mental health habits. I'm a much better mom because I'm able to play with my kids instead of withdrawing and feeling bland all the time. I even lost some weight and a decent amount of body fat because I wasn't trying to cover my dreariness with food, and I had energy for the gym.

Depression isn't always feeling sad/like crying - it often manifests in self-loathing and feeling numb to emotions. It sounds like that is part of what you are going through. Talk to your therapist or your family doctor about the possibilities of medication. It's not a panacea, you still have to do the mental work, but for some of us, it actually makes it possible to do the work.

That_Girl

You're very rude. (the first commenter on here).

dwalt15110

A new therapist may be in order. It sounds as though he is saying what you want to hear now instead of what might help.

As a fellow musician, try tying your self-worth to your talent instead of your body image. I don't know if you said what type of musician you are and what your instrument of expertise is, but music is powerful. It uses every part of the brain. It changes our moods. It's a powerful driving force. Think about how music is used in movies to further enforce the mood.

Rehearsing music burns calories as does dancing to it. Let music be your catalyst. As silly as this may sound, pull up "Let It Go" from "Frozen", blare it and sing it at the top of your lungs. It's invigorating and just makes you feel so good.

VeryKatie

This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide.

Yes, this is probably the case (therapy could really help). But I know things can be frustrating too and sometimes the internet is the only way you can get it out! So get it out and then start feeling better! No matter what you say, you are not ugly. Every morning, try looking at yourself and making one good comment. Then increase how many you make and then start doing it every time you look in a mirror. You may need others to help you, but you can beat your frustration Good luck - we're here to support but you might still need more.

RekindledRose

This is bound to get me some hate mail but...


... therapists can do more harm than good. They're really just someone paid to listen to you talk, and I have never, ever seen anyone 'cured' by their therapist. There are actually a lot of good books out there that I'd say are better to invest your money in than seeing someone in a closed room. At least the books are available for cross-scrutiny by medical peers and you can get honest information that can help, rather than someone who charges way too much for way too little.

Not that I've said that - sounds like what you really need is a trust-worthy friend who can keep your direction pointed the right way. A true friend will tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it, and they'll still love you even if you keep screwing up. I hope there is someone in your life who fits that bill.

Fugeela

This is bound to get me some hate mail but...


... therapists can do more harm than good. They're really just someone paid to listen to you talk, and I have never, ever seen anyone 'cured' by their therapist. There are actually a lot of good books out there that I'd say are better to invest your money in than seeing someone in a closed room. At least the books are available for cross-scrutiny by medical peers and you can get honest information that can help, rather than someone who charges way too much for way too little.

Not that I've said that - sounds like what you really need is a trust-worthy friend who can keep your direction pointed the right way. A true friend will tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it, and they'll still love you even if you keep screwing up. I hope there is someone in your life who fits that bill.

This broke my heart because I have no friends, I am actually just very worthless and no one cares about me in that regard. My friends moved on without me because they didn't know how "to help" and that they want for me to love myself and so forth; and move on happily without me. I just hate my life.

I am so alone. Yes I have family to talk to, I don't even like being around them, and I am grateful, but their energy is negative and don't have any vision/unprogressive people. I am a progressive person, so a lot wears me down, including this, thus making me seem the opposite.

I appreciate your response.

I speak to people sometimes but they're not my real friends.

My real friends moved on.