Success story to Failure

Fugeela

I am 5'7" and my goal weight is 20 lbs higher than your current weight. Your goal weight is sickly for your height. It sounds like you have much deeper issues, please speak to your doctor. I haven't read the other comments, and I'm sure mine is not the first comment like this.

I understand but I think everyone, or maybe just me, has an idea of what they'd like for their body to be. I don't think asking for about 120 and lowered body fat is asking too much. I think I should be that size, at least in my head.

Thank you for your input. I will do my best to message everyone who has replied that I haven't gotten back to pertaining to the possible things I can do to help get me there, and just advice in general about this or insight.

Fugeela

I also think me being this weight makes me look older than I am. I can't even wear shorts. I look ridiculous or old. And old terrible men are the only one's on occasion to say something to me, it makes me feel worse. My face is hideous probably then, and maybe they feel because I am ugly and heavier that they can take advantage or me. No one deserves that. I want to be thinner so then I look my age as well.

Just my thought, so that's a factor in this.

Fugeela

Also I despise the word 'fat' I know I call myself that word, but I more so feel that way. The word fat to me is actually not a real word. It is a disgraceful word. Not in context of body fat, but just the word fat. The word fat should NOT be an ADJECTIVE.

That should actually be no way to describe something because it's terrible. To me fat and ugly go hand in hand for my own life, it is a word I never call another. I think every shape and size is beautiful, just not mine because it is just not the way I'd like for it to be. But I do genuinely believe that everyone is beautiful heavier, slimmer, those things mean nothing. A heavier person can be healthier than a slimmer person. Vice versa. This is all based on individual.

It is not what makes someone, which is why I get upset I feel this way still about myself.

Also, my mother made a comment the other day about someone being too fat to turn the car wheel when they were driving slowly to make a turn, out of frustration. Who on EARTH says that? She says things like, "Ooh look at you skinny minni, now I'm the fat one, you're probably rejoicing!" Who the hell says that? Bloody mess, I love her but just a damn mess, she is just as bad as my grandma and her boy.

I am thankful to have them but when I'm away from them? I don't miss them! I am fine!

She gained weight and got upset someone called her fluffy! She is fluffy! SShe is beautiful! She is not as slim as she used to be and she is just annoying and vain, a grown woman, I'd hate to be like that when I am her age, which is why I get upset about this furthermore with myself, just frustrated.

I want to use my body as a tool of love, for myself. I want to prove to myself that I can achieve all things. For example. yoga, I admire yogi's so much, the beautiful power of mind/body. My problem is because I feel this way my bloody mind doesn't correspond with my body because I just feel I'll never get there.

I told my mother I was going to take an Italian class because I want to spend time in Italy someday and learn the culture/music. She said, "Why would you do that...doesn't that cost..money?" See? Just stupid unmotivating questions. Damn blasted boring and never doing it herself. She is lovely but has all these desires herself and no action, I act upon things and have great ideas- They always shut down my ideas/desires since I was a small kid, in fact now writing this, it all makes sense.

And her saying things like her now being the fat one? It makes me feel like she sabotaged me growing up. Not saying she did but it's like, who thinks in that twisted way? What a terrible person says that? She is lovely but who really would say something so insensitive? I AM YOUNG, I am YOUR DAUGHTER, I should be smaller than you you bloody baffooon...

And how does someone being heavier become a factor of them turning a car wheel? That's not funny, she should not be speaking because just as how someone called her fluffy, she did not like it. She is just bitter she gained weight. No matter what I weigh I'd never call another that 'fat' word, I actually only call myself fat. I don't either call people ugly, just myself. I do say that the things certain people say make them seem ugly. Always "seem" ugly because ugly should not be an adjective either.

Feeling ugly is being ugly, and because I feel ugly and the f word, I become and accept myself sadly as that.

If they see bigger humans walking, especially women, they make noises of disgust, that is absolutely disgusting. When people comment on shallow and stupid things like that about others it breeds anger in my heart and sadness because those are the things that make people like me over time just accept and believe/agree that we are 'ugly' or the f word. Because people treat us DIFFERENTLY!

Everyone is human.
My father too loves to sit and call people ugly/"wutless"-aka 'worthless in his accent'/fat/lazy etc. but he says this while sitting in front of a CPU meanwhile has no money and has to constantly beg me and others whom he does nothing but create problems/misery for funds and holds us all back.

My mother is cheap too, she complains. She has it and complains, i know everyone has their own idea of "having it" but seriously? Just a mess.

She called my sister better looking than me once when I asked her, and she swears up and down until this day probably that she didn't say it. Lie.

It's okay i don't hate her for it but oh well.

And now my sister tells me to eat something I'm so skinny, according to her, yet she was the one who'd call me an ugly fat hog growing.

And guess what? Still feel that way. These horrible things do stay, but I do my best with my therapist, if anything all she does is listen and laugh. Nothing really helpful other than occasional insight/inspiration.

Flab2Fab27

You need a journal/diary and a therapist.

Fugeela

You need a journal/diary and a therapist.

I have both, but I've been considering getting a new therapist. I have many books I write in, but I'd hope you're not being sarcastic about a journal, because quite frankly that would be the last, as I have many. Thanks for the input, sorry for being a thief of joy in your eyes, but don't be a thief of thought, I created this thread genuinely out of my current state of my life. I don't have a community other than here to discuss such matters with people that I think may or may not have been in a similar tsstate prior.

Thank you for your input, enjoy the day, hopefully it's lovely where you are. Much love!

neandermagnon

I didn't read all that (way too long) but the combination of the fact that you have suffered abuse from your father, and the fact that you hate and despise yourself so much, suggests to me that you need to talk all these issues over with a therapist, and the sooner the better. These kinds of mental health issues that come from how your father treated you are like a millstone around your neck, and a good therapist is probably the best thing that's going to help you remove that millstone and enjoy your life and reach your potential. Don't delay, because it's clear from how you talk about yourself that you're not at all happy, and how you've been treated in the past is probably the root of all of these issues that you've described. If you've been in therapy and found it's not working well, then try with a different therapists or discuss other possible approaches with your current therapist. If you have to pay for a private therapist to get someone who can really help you, then do that, because you can't put a price on good mental health (I've recovered from bad mental health, and believe me, there is no price you can put on it). The sooner you can remove that millstone, the better, and while it's good to get general support from other people (friends, online and offline) they don't have the training or qualifications to help you to remove it. You deserve so much better than this and you deserve to be free to live your life without all this bad stuff dragging you down.

cholepapi

Wow. Thanks for sharing. This is what I understood from what you wrote. You don't like to take advice or criticism from your family because they are hypocrites to you. But have you ever tried to understand what happened in their life that molded them like that? You put them down for being so negative but don't you see that your turning as negative as they are? Then, you are no different unless you walk away from the negative filters that you allow to consume you. No one is perfect in this world. No matter what you do people will always have positive or negative things to say to you. The trick is to keep the positive, learn from constructive criticism and ignore plain negatives. Be happy for you in a positive way and stop being as you negative family members. Focus on you and only you and tune out the rest, just like your music. This in no way is to insult you but guidance.

12by311

Alllllright. I'll say it……..

You sound entitled. Your parents don't owe you anything. Sorry. You are 21. You are grown. They don't have to help you. You don't go to school by choice. You say you can pay your own way yet say they are holding you back and you need to focus on your music and art.

So…it's time to move out and move on. Give the (legit) starving and tortured artist life a whirl.

pleasepleaseno

A lot of people on here are being complete asshats to you, i'm sorry. I understand all these feelings, and there are lots of people who do. The spiraling, or "tentacle" thinking...completely overwhelming. Honestly what best helped me with this stuff was CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It is helping me get over a 6 year eating disorder and I hope it can help you, provided you give it a shot.

mlove351

Hi Fugeela...

I read your post and just had to stop and said I would not comment and that was about an hour ago... but after reading you were still in my thoughts... so what I am going to say is not to judge you at all or pity for you. but to hopefully make you reflect..

You need to look in the mirror and love you - physically and spiritually. You are NOT defined by how you look but how you love your self and connect to others. When you love your self you will let go of the negative energy that is holding you in this state. When you love your self you will only attract ppl that will love and appreciate you for who you are. You criticizing yourself in that matter is you defining you physically and spiritually. You must realize when you say those things about how you look, you believe that and you become a prisoner of this perception you have of yourself. Which in turn reslults in you not moving forward- mentally and physically.

If you want to loose weight you can do it.Believe in yourself first and love you. Your mind is powerful but your thoughts can hold yourself back when you think that way. Remember, changing your physical attributes does not make you happy or a better person - so you need to find out WHY I WANT TO LOOSE WEIGHT. Dont fall a victim to society in thinking a size 2 or 4 is beautiful that is pure ego. Physical beauty does not last. Change your ways of thinking, and strive to be healthy in terms of eating healthier, measuring your success with endurance by jogging or 5k or triathlon.

Look in the mirror and appreciate you. First recognize your beauty- write at least 5 things physically you like about your self and 5 things that makes you a good person on a post it- and post them on the mirror. Then every day read those post its in the morning and evening-Positive Thinking change the way you think of yourself. Create positive energy and release yourself of your self hate. Trust me when you do, you will attract the right ppl to help with your goals.

Think ' I want to make my body stronger and love my self even more by for doing it'

Best of luck love

RubberBugggy

Hi Honey: You are beautiful and talented. You are honest and brave. What you have done and are trying to do is honorable. You have invited criticism and you have received it in the best of all possible ways. This was and is brave and honest of you. I hope that you will now begin to add self respect to all your other positive attributes. Love, me

savemama

Sweetheart you say you are seeing a therapist. I can only hope he/she is a good one. It sounds to me like you might be struggling with a raging case of body dysmorphia. I know the words will be hollow- but I will say them anyway. Your words are not true. Your thoughts are not true. Your assessment of your physical body is not true. Please seek out help in real life. A message board won't do it.
Big hugs to you hon. I'm sad to hear the pain in your post.

savemama

I am a therapist. Does your therapist do EMDR? Look into it. This is more than a problem with weight.

I am also a therapist and I second this.

It won't be overnight, but you should feel like you are seeing improvements in yourself from your therapy. If you're not, then please try again. There are a LOT of bad therapists. A LOT. But there are some good ones who practice evidence-based care (like EMDR) which is life-changing and RAPID.

Fugeela

I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond with warming comments, and even the ones who misinterpreted my feelings about myself for thoughts it was purely a way of attention, as they deemed.

I am going to be looking into getting a new therapist and on the search today.

I've wasted so much of my youth with these demons/bad feelings/bad energies, and I refuse to let it take over my life anymore. I deserve the help, and self love, and to be proud of who I am, because I am a beautiful person inside, despite how I feel, I deserve much better than this.

I look so forward to changing and transforming and getting my life back, and loving it, and respecting myself, and accepting myself, and not giving up on what I want because I feel these ways.

Thank you for the kind/not always kind words. Hopefully someday I will be able to post a thread and look back on this and be a completely different person for the better.

Have a great day all.

foggymirrors

OP: Hugs, prayers and love to you. I don't have to read the entire post and its comments to see you're hurting, at war with depression and want change. I'll add you as a friend. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Don't give up. Your life matters, you matter and your stalled progress is still progress. It's good to see you're working to better yourself. Continue to take care of yourself. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

richfaber

Mental state aside i think you body is pretty rockin