Success story to Failure

liekewheeless

140lb at 5'-7" is a perfectly healthy weight. Wanting to lose 5 to 10 lb at this weight is ok. (not necessary) Wanting to be 110lb may be a little to low. I can't judge what is right for you but discuss your weight goal with your doctor.

I'm sorry you feel bad about the way you look. I'm also sorry to tell you that losing more weight probably won't solve that.
Most people at this weight look great. I'm sure you do too. Learning to accept your body and what it can and can't be will be very important for you to move past this. If you don't feel your therapist is helping find one that can help you. You may have to go through more than one or two.

LKArgh

10 or 20 or 30 lbs above how you looked in these photos cannot make you fat. Not possible. And weight is not the problem based on what you posted. You need to talk to your therapist. Being upset about gaining lots of weight is normal. Feeling disgusted at your body when you are not just within normal weight range but right in the middle, because your goal is to be underweight, it is nor normal. You being around 105-100 will mean you will need to be hospitalised. Having such a goal is not healthy, please talk to a dr.

acorsaut89

10 or 20 or 30 lbs above how you looked in these photos cannot make you fat. Not possible. And weight is not the problem based on what you posted. You need to talk to your therapist. Being upset about gaining lots of weight is normal. Feeling disgusted at your body when you are not just within normal weight range but right in the middle, because your goal is to be underweight, it is nor normal. You being around 105-100 will mean you will need to be hospitalised. Having such a goal is not healthy, please talk to a dr.

Yepp. . . exactly

AsaThorsWoman

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JoRocka

110 at that height is ridiculous.

I'm 5'8" and weigh on average between 160 170 pounds.

If I was 110 pounds someone would have reported me and locked me up- 100% unhealthy weight.

Seems like a perception shift is in order as well as perhaps some body recomp.

And way more therapy. Body dismorphia and depression need to be addressed- and clearly we either have someone in dire need of help- or we have a very talented troll.

4mricandy

What would Scooby Do?

Lauren8239

What would Scooby Do?

He's mourning Kasey Kasem right now. :sad:

mathjulz

You sound like you may have a chemical imbalance. If that's true, you don't have to live like this. I suggest you consult a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist does both talk and medication therapy. A therapist just does behavioral and talk therapy. If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, just talking about it won't fix it. You may have to fix the underlying medical problem (chemical imbalance) and then you can focus on fixing behavioral issues and talking about strategies for becoming and staying emotionally healthy. Not everybody with emotional issues has a chemical imbalance and needs medication, but it may be something to consider. :flowerforyou:

I've always wondered, how does one get tested for an imbalance? Ive felt like this for years so I'm not sure it's that but just asking because my therapist never did anything like give me a test or diagnose me with anything other than "You sound depressed"

Unfortunately, most mental disorders don't have an objective test. It's not like diabetes or thyroid or something where they can run a blood test and say "yep, your levels are off." The best thing would be to see a MD (psychiatrists specialize in this, but you general practitioner may be a good start anyway) and tell them you've bee dealing with depression for a long time and feel like you can't do it on your own. Ask for something to help.

I've read through a lot of your responses, and like I said before, I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling because I've been there. The behaviors and resources people have suggested can be helpful. But, if I read your replies right, in your case they seem to be backfiring ... Which is a decent indicator that you have a chemical imbalance. Set an alarm on your phone or computer to call the doctor first thing tomorrow (as I assume that it's too late tonight) and get yourself an appointment. Then print up some of what you've written in these threads and take it in. That may be easier than trying to explain it all again.

There's nothing wrong with needing an SSRI or something else to help you with this, just like there's nothing wrong with needing thyroid medication or insulin for a person whose body doesn't properly produce those. Once you've dealt with the mental issues, you can start looking at the body weight and image and decide what is healthy for you there (again with a doctor's assistance as you recover)

aauooh

Hi there!

I don't think all your issues are weight related. I want to ask if you're doing good work in your professional life, example are you going to school? what's your major? What have you thought about your career? What are your other goals in life, which I think are of the same importance if not more than the fitness! If you aren't kicking balls in your professional life, aren't happy with work, then somewhere all the negativeness will cloud your mind, and hence the weight gain. You need to go out more, go shopping, buy some nice dresses, make up, or whatever that makes you happy and start hanging out! Try and take a vacation, go travel countryside, take a week off, go on a road trip, and try to forget about the weight and focus on the nature, the outside beauty. If you're the person who stays indoor most of the time, don't do it! Go window shopping somewhere, point is to go out and interact. Look at the beauty in others and pick on things that you see in others that make you happy. We are so lucky to be born into this world, god has given us everything, limbs, food, lovely family. Why to clutter the mind with negativity? I suggest you to go out and enjoy the world, go out from your house! Spend the entire day outside! Do something nice for others, you'll be happy. If you have no where to go, go do some charity work. You're only 21, go do an internship in a hospital. Volunteer somewhere, and be thankful for what you have! Keep moving, don't bother weighing yourself, dress nicely put some make up and give yourself a kiss before you step out of the house if nobody else does!

ParkerH47

5'7 and 143 is not overweight. (BMI = 22.4 = normal weight) I know you are feeling some deep feelings right now but I truly feel like this is more about self esteem than anything else. You truly need to learn to love yourself more. You need to 100% stop the negative self talk, if I sat around all day calling myself disgusting I would feel pretty fricken terrible too. Stop this nonsense and work with your therapist to find a way to love yourself.

Consider that if you consider yourself disgusting at 5'7'' and 143, what would you think of me at 5'6 and 165? You wouldn't call me disgusting would you? So how is it that you are nicer to a complete stranger than you are to yourself. Its crazy when you think of it like that...

Achrya

Well damn.

xDawnsgrace

okay. First, you may want to express this to your therapist. Ask them if they would be willing to screen you for depression, and possibly BDD(if you haven't already), and go from there.


Second, i understand. But i want to remind you and everyone else, that if you don't love yourself before, you won't love yourself after. Loving yourself is hard, and i haven't gotten there quite yet, but i believe you can if you challenge the negative thoughts. For every negative intrusive thought you have about yourself, point out one good thing you DO like about yourself. (ex: "i'm disgusting", then think, "but hey, i really like (enter what you like about yourself. it can be anything)".) When i was seeing a therapist, she told me to try that and if you keep it up, it does work.

another thing you could try doing is try to treat yourself like your best friend. You wouldn't call your best friend ugly and disgusting, so why should you be calling yourself that?

Before working on your body, first work on how you feel about yourself as a whole.

If you need to chat, feel free to add me or message me whenever. You don't have to go through anything alone.

ETA: If it makes any difference, i was seeing a therapist for an eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, major depressive disorder, social phobia/anxiety, and self-injury. I can't take the place of a therapist, but i can be a friend.

neandermagnon

You are a super downer! This seems like self hate and you need to be having this conversation with a therapist. This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide. Maybe you need a different therapist or more visits...

^^^^ this

the fact that you still hated yourself when you were thinner shows that this self hatred does not come from you being fat (or at least not you being a little bit fat right now... it might stem from you being fat when you were younger if you suffered abuse/mistreatment from people because of it..... or by any kind of trauma or mistreatment, or maybe some other deep-rooted cause)...... this is very deepseated and losing the fat will not fix the self hatred issues. You need to continue with the therapy. If you don't feel you're getting anywhere with your current therapist, don't be afraid to find a new one. If you have a good relationship with your therapist and want to continue with the same one, maybe find out whether you can do some kind of more intense therapy or some other approach that's going to help you more. Seriously, this issue is due to a problem with the way you think and feel about yourself as a whole person, and nothing you do to your body is going to fix it.

If you're really carrying too much fat (a lot of people with the level of self-hatred that you have exaggerate the amount of fat they're carrying in their mind, so I'm guessing that you're not actually carrying too much fat at all and that you look great to other people) then getting rid of it is good for your health and your apperance, but your degree of self hatred and hatred of this fat is way beyond normal and completely pathological.... it's eating you up and destroying your life. The way to fix that is to overcome whatever it is in your mind that's making you think and feel this way. (and if you're not really fat then trying to lose it will harm your health)

Just for a comparison, I gained too much fat on my last bulk. I'm now cutting to get back to the weight where my wilks score was best (that's a weightlifting thing, whereby you calculate strength relative to bodyweight) and ultimately I'm planning to cut to about 5lb less than that, because I want to compete in powerlifting and it's the cut-off for one of the weight categories. So anyway...... right now I don't like the area between my navel and mid thighs that much, because there's more fat there than there should be. But I like myself as a person still. I can smile at myself in the mirror, I like how my upper body and the rest of my legs look. I like myself as a person, and don't tear myself to pieces mentally over this little bit of extra fat. I don't like the extra fat much, but it's not going to stop me doing anything I want to do and it doesn't affect how I view myself as a person. I'm just going to continue with this cut and get rid of it, kind of like how I'll go get my legs waxed because I don't like the hair on them, but I'm not going to tear myself to pieces over a bit of hair that's easily removed... obviously fat loss is not so easy to do as getting your legs waxed, but that's how you should view excess fat, i.e. it's okay to want to get rid of it but it shouldn't evoke such intense self hatred.

I'm writing this to illustrate the difference between the vehement, intense, self-hatred that you have, and a healthy reaction to excess fat. Really you need to understand that your self hatred is waaaay over the top and the cause of this self hatred isn't the extra fat you're carrying, it's much more deeply rooted that that, and it probably will take professional help (i.e. a good therapist) to help you to change the way you feel about yourself and free you from this so you can enjoy your life. Excess fat on your body should not stop you from living your life to the full - you don't have to like the actual fat and you can still take steps to get rid of it, without your mind and life being clouded by such intense hatred. Please continue with the therapy and keep working towards freeing yourself from this, and working towards being able to enjoy your life and be confident and successful in your music career. Don't let this issue stop you from sharing your talents with the world. I don't even know you but I'd like to see/hear some of your music if you want to share (if you don't then don't feel obliged, I'm just some random internet stranger who likes nearly all styles of music and loves hearing new music, I won't be offended if you don't want to share)

MEK1960

You know you can do it because, well, you've DONE it. So do it again. Also, stick with the therapy and add some exercise to get some positive feelings going. You CAN do it and you WILL do it.

PrincessEliNa

I'm not going to lie, your words got me pretty down I think there is so much power in words, and you gotta start there. You ARE worth it. You ARE beautiful. You are STRONG. Don't give up.

Have you ever heard of the law of attraction? I recommend it. best wishes my friend!

BruceHedtke

The best measure of health is not a number or a size. Stop trying to achieve what your body is resisting. It's resisting to keep you safe. Listen to it.

I understand but it looks absolutely hideous and disgusting, I feel to just beat myself in frustration if I could, it ruins my life, and I just want it to not be this way, it can't do anything spectacular. I do my best and I get no change, I just want to be healthy, and strong, and feel happy and beautiful so this can all go away. I feel badly saying these things- I know I need to put in the work but I hate that I have to spend time out of my life to go and do all of this just for the sake of getting better at it when for most people it comes easier it seems and they get their goals. Work for them, I work for it and get nothing.
But I will not stop.

I am not trying to be mean, but when you say "work for it", how hard do you work for it? I can guarantee you this: those people that you envy (the ones with the perfect bodies, looks, etc) all had to work damn hard to achieve what they have. Take your pick of any of those people and they've all hit that barrier and wanted to stop, to quit, to just take the easy way out. What did they do? They kept going. I'm sure they wanted nothing more than to lie down on the ground and stop the agony. You can't expect to work out for a few months and then look in the mirror and say "why don't I look fabulous yet???"

Getting your body in shape is difficult but not nearly as difficult as getting your mind right. None of the dieting or exercise is going to make you feel good about yourself until you can love yourself. The mirror isn't going to suddenly start showing you a person you adore, no matter how thin you become. As others have said, you are only seeing the negative you right now.

If you don't have anyone you consider friends, try joining up with some activity group. Plenty of people join groups to go kayaking, riding bikes, hiking, skiing, snowshoeing...the list is almost endless. If you spend all your time alone, you're forcing yourself to only think about you and your issues. That's a vicious cycle to be in. Get out, meet people, smile and laugh. I know you'll probably think they'll all think you're hideous, but they won't. That's you projecting your thoughts onto others. I just think you need to get away from yourself for a little bit.

neandermagnon

The best measure of health is not a number or a size. Stop trying to achieve what your body is resisting. It's resisting to keep you safe. Listen to it.

I understand but it looks absolutely hideous and disgusting, I feel to just beat myself in frustration if I could, it ruins my life, and I just want it to not be this way, it can't do anything spectacular. I do my best and I get no change, I just want to be healthy, and strong, and feel happy and beautiful so this can all go away. I feel badly saying these things- I know I need to put in the work but I hate that I have to spend time out of my life to go and do all of this just for the sake of getting better at it when for most people it comes easier it seems and they get their goals. Work for them, I work for it and get nothing.
But I will not stop.

I am not trying to be mean, but when you say "work for it", how hard do you work for it? I can guarantee you this: those people that you envy (the ones with the perfect bodies, looks, etc) all had to work damn hard to achieve what they have. Take your pick of any of those people and they've all hit that barrier and wanted to stop, to quit, to just take the easy way out. What did they do? They kept going. I'm sure they wanted nothing more than to lie down on the ground and stop the agony. You can't expect to work out for a few months and then look in the mirror and say "why don't I look fabulous yet???"

Getting your body in shape is difficult but not nearly as difficult as getting your mind right. None of the dieting or exercise is going to make you feel good about yourself until you can love yourself. The mirror isn't going to suddenly start showing you a person you adore, no matter how thin you become. As others have said, you are only seeing the negative you right now.

If you don't have anyone you consider friends, try joining up with some activity group. Plenty of people join groups to go kayaking, riding bikes, hiking, skiing, snowshoeing...the list is almost endless. If you spend all your time alone, you're forcing yourself to only think about you and your issues. That's a vicious cycle to be in. Get out, meet people, smile and laugh. I know you'll probably think they'll all think you're hideous, but they won't. That's you projecting your thoughts onto others. I just think you need to get away from yourself for a little bit.

Have you seen the OP's pics and really read what she's saying? She's not fat, she has an extremely distorted self-image and an extreme amount of self hatred. She's never going to be able to look in a mirror and think she looks fabulous, because the "I'm so disgusting" thing comes from her mind, not from her body. Telling her to keep on going and that other people work harder than her is not good advice, and it's not true, other people don't work harder.... other people have a more realistic view of themselves. She needs to learn to love herself the way she is, and stop ripping herself to shreds in her mind. If she really does have excess fat that she wants to lose (which I seriously doubt) then she'll find it a lot easier to lose it after she's overcome this problem in her mind that's making her think the way she is.

OP: seriously, you have an extremely distorted view of yourself, you need to fix that to be happy. Trying to fix your body when there's nothing wrong with your body is never, ever going to work. You know that scene in MacBeth (shakespeare play) where Lady MacBeth keeps on trying to wash the blood off her hands... no amount of water is going to wash off the blood, because there's no blood on her hands, the blood is in her mind.............. that's what you're doing to yourself. Except whatever mental state or past trauma has led you to feel this way about yourself is not your fault. But you need to recognise that the cure for this is to overcome whatever it is in your mind that's made you think this about yourself, and free yourself from it so you can see yourself as the beautiful person that you are and be free from this to be able to enjoy your life and appreciate your successes in life.

kirili3

I could've written this!

One very good thing to do is find out the underlying problem. If you are that focused on appearance, it seems that you think appearance will make you happy. It won't. It hasn't made anybody happy except narcissists, for obvious reasons.

Remember that physical beauty is transient. What matters in life is what we live for, the meaning that we focus on. When we have a crisis of meaning we tend to obsess on looks.

It's a good time to think about things that really matter. How you look really doesn't.

xiamjackie

Have you read this yet?

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation

It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!

I've just read it and I love her outlook, inner confidence and self love is the key. Thank you for sharing this with me.

I do just feel that I will not be confident and happy with myself at this size because it causes problems in my life, I hate it, and don't want to be this way. I hate feeling so terrible and hateful about it because I love love and hate feeling so horrible about myself.

I won't be happy with the way I look if I am like this, I want to be healthy, inside and out. More so inside. Too much of nothing/negativity at this size. I feel the rolls in my back so much they are like weights. I just keep grabbing them wishing I could rip them off of my body, and leave me alone. I hate this so much, it's terrible and realy terrible to express such negativity to others but I just need to release this to others, on here is perfect because I have lovely people as in all of you to correspond to about an issue that others may have gone through or may understand.

I feel I won't love myself and can't love myself at this size comfortably. Whenever I do, and get comfortable, I gain weight. This just makes me hurt so badly.

I am so glad that someone offered to you what I wrote yesterday.

5 years ago I was you. I hated everything about myself. I was disgusted at the way I looked to the point where I would refuse to leave the house. I remember going into the bathroom to turn the shower on, stripping naked, looking at myself in the mirror, and crawling into a heap on the floor, bawling my eyes out because I hated my appearance THAT much. I had an incredible boyfriend of 3 years, I pushed him away because I thought no one would ever love me because of how hideous and stupid I was.

I ate about 500 calories a day, max. I would spend hours in front of a mirror, twisting and contorting myself to try to take the best "selfie" of myself I could (btw, the word "selfie" wasn't even a thing then). I would suck it in and hope I looked skinny in the mirror, take the picture, or two, or a thousand, hate them all and delete them. I would take a nap in the middle of the day just to get my mind off of how hungry I was.

Believe me when I say I was there.

Also believe me when I say where I am now. THE OTHER SIDE. I love myself now, and I'm truly 100% in all honesty saying that. Am I society's idea of perfect? Hell no. But I am striving to be the best version of myself I can be. I'm about 15 pounds heavier than those days where I tortured myself, but along with being HEAVIER, I am also STRONGER (mentally and physically), WISER, FUNNIER, I am driven, I have accomplished things, I have an amazing amazing amazing fiance who loves me for who I am and loves the strength I own (And for my cooking.... that's not too bad either).

You will make it to the other side if you let yourself, but you have to let yourself. It may take time. It took me 5 years to get to this point. I no longer fear food, I treat it as fuel. I need food to fuel my heavy lifts.

I also realized that no one liked me better when I was skinnier. It didn't solve any of my problems. The way I treated myself back then created so many more problems for me than imagineable. No one wants to be around someone who hates themselves all the time! They just don't. And no one can replace the love you can have for yourself (And that Jesus has for you....... yeah, I'm THAT guy. I wasn't fulfilled until I loved myself and until I fully recognized the love that the Lord has for me) You will never be happy unless you love yourself.

Feel free to add me as a friend.

Fugeela

I will be responding to everyone as soon as I can. for anyone who may have sent a message, I will get back to you as soon as I can as well, I have read and appreciate all of them, as soon as I can I will respond to questions about this and the advice I've gotten individually.

Thank you for taking the time to help me through this or try to help me.