Success story to Failure

Fugeela

I could not even read this as your idea of yourself is soooo negative. In almost every single paragraph you wrote, you insult yourself. In fact, I lost count with how many times you called yourself "ugly", "disgusting" or "repulsive" through out your post. I am glad to hear you are already getting professional help.

Tonight, please sit down and write 10 positive things about yourself. NOTHING appearance/weight related. These things can be "above average at music" "friendly" "cooperative with others", etc. Tomorrow, write another 10 things.

You are not going to get anywhere if you do not have self-love. You can be at your goal weight, and you still won't love yourself.

PS - Do you happen to have netflix, or access to renting movies? I would highly recommend you watch The Secret.

I'm sorry but I don't have Netflix, I'm sure I can find it on the internet though. Thank you for the suggestion, I will be sure to look it up and watch this week.

jenilla1

You sound like you may have a chemical imbalance. If that's true, you don't have to live like this. I suggest you consult a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist does both talk and medication therapy. A therapist just does behavioral and talk therapy. If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, just talking about it won't fix it. You may have to fix the underlying medical problem (chemical imbalance) and then you can focus on fixing behavioral issues and talking about strategies for becoming and staying emotionally healthy. Not everybody with emotional issues has a chemical imbalance and needs medication, but it may be something to consider. :flowerforyou:

amandzor

Get off the internet. Go back to the therapist. Mood stabilizers are wonderful things.

Clearly, there are some demons on your back.

Fugeela

Ok so to me you either have a serious self-image issue and you need to talk to a qualified individual about that, not post it here or you're seriously looking for self validation and people here to tell you it's ok to be 134, 140 , 160 whatever.

If you look in the mirror and think you look "disgusting" at 140 lbs (or whatever) weighing 105 is not going to change that. I weigh 250, have some of the "disgusting back fat" as you put it and I couldn't be happier to be me. Is it perfect? No, far from it but I am strong, have a much lower BF since I started and I am doing it for me.

If you seriously need validation then you need to get it elsewhere. And you say tracking here makes you anxious and you obsess, but really if you write it down in a book or food journal isn't it really the same thing - just one is electronic?

I get that we all have self-image issues but if you honestly feel you can't even go out in public and practice your music then there are issues at hand which are larger than any of us can fix.

Hey, thanks for commenting. I wasn't or am not doing anything for validation, little less on here, but you do not know me so it is a fair assumption to make as I can understand why one would believe that is what I'm doing as I guess I do have a "horrible" outlook on my life in terms of how I view it rather than others.

I am doing it for me, but it seems I never improve at anything, just get upset that I don't see any changes and in turn ended up getting worse than before. I know self love is the best love and truest love, I love who I am, but I don't like how I look, it makes me upset in turn with whom I am. But as for the tracking that Is what I meant, I do essentially the same thing on paper- in my life, doing it on here is more of me obsessing over being 'on top' and in control of things.

I'm very sorry it comes across as a way of self validation but it's not and my honest intention is to hear what others have to say in order to give input, insight, share, or just listen. It isn't a cry for attention though I can understand. Thanks for responding, peace!

GenZombie

Is the attention from two threads of the same subject making you feel better yet?

That is so uncalled for.
It is pretty obvious from reading this post that this girl has a mental illness and instead of being supportive and offering something helpful you say something like that? :grumble: Sometimes giving people a little bit of attention does them good.
It's not like she is posting about how she thinks she is so wonderful and fishing for compliments, she is reaching out in hopes that someone can help her feel just a little bit better.

acorsaut89

I went on a walk and just wanted to fall to the ground because I felt fat rolls around my waist into my back and my thighs brushing past eachother, a feeling I wanted to never feel again.

This is a serious psychological issue - this is something exercise, losing weight and eating right will not fix. I have friends who have 15% BF and guess what? Their thighs still touch when they walk, they do not have this elusive thigh gap going on. They are some of the healthiest people I know.

But more importantly - this is a search for self validation, people saying everyone has this that and the other thing, and trying to find that online isn't going to help you. If you cannot accept yourself now, you won't accept yourself when your thighs don't rub together anymore. This is how ED can start. You need help - BIG TIME.

AsaThorsWoman

Where do you stand religiously?

I would advise for a ritual to make you love yourself.

Are you a Christian?

Pray to that God to allow you to love yourself again.

Are you a pagan?

There are a plethora of ways to move in this direction.

It really sounds like (no offense) but due to your age that you're going through a stage, a very real and heavy and heart-wrenching depression. Myself, my sister and others in our family became horrifically, almost suicidal depressed in our teens. No one really knows why, it was just a chemical imbalance that things like therapy and pills don't fix. We all grew out of it, but now we keep a sharp eye on our kids worried about symptoms. This will pass. Maybe not easily, maybe not soon, but it will.

Fugeela

I don't really want attention from strangers, I don't get attention at all to be quite honest, which everyone deserves. But I am just stating how I feel, sorry if you may have felt this was a ploy for attention, I am only assuming that is why you asked such but it was a genuine mistake, not a way of getting comments or attention for my horrible outlook on my boring, disgraceful view of my life.

gah! I still cannot get the stupid quoting thing down!




See that last sentence? Statements like that could be driving people away. When you say things like this it is overwhelming and too much to take on as a friend.

Do you mind me asking..not sure if I missed it earier, what is your height and weight presently? I am thinking you have severe, and I mean severe, self esteem issues. My guess is you are not ugly or even significantly over weight right now. You are only 21, and have your whole life ahead of you...please get help
[/quote]


Thank you for inquiring, my height is 5'7, I may be 143, I pray not, I'd hope around 140 as I was the other day (not like that makes me feel great either because my body fat got very high over the last 7 months) I am not significantly overweight by standards but a lot of this is my perception of myself which in turn upsets me because I deserve to love myself, but I cannot like this, I am upset like this, I am on edge like this. I am repulsed by this. Thus it just seems to have gotten worse after I have other things going on as well. But I put so much energy into something so toxic, and I am not a vain or superficial person, so it makes it worse. I see beauty in everyone and thing, but yet with myself I get upset.

urchinbear

I am a therapist. Does your therapist do EMDR? Look into it. This is more than a problem with weight. You need to figure out the root cause of these feelings about yourself. You said yourself that you were not feeling like a success when you weighed less last year. I hope this helps.

Lauren8239

Is the attention from two threads of the same subject making you feel better yet?

That is so uncalled for.
It is pretty obvious from reading this post that this girl has a mental illness and instead of being supportive and offering something helpful you say something like that? :grumble: Sometimes giving people a little bit of attention does them good.
It's not like she is posting about how she thinks she is so wonderful and fishing for compliments, she is reaching out in hopes that someone can help her feel just a little bit better.

I DID post helpful advice and ALSO asked some questions on the other thread. It was ignored. All I'm reading is someone who is hoping someone will listen to them tear themselves down. Not take any real advice. All REAL legitimate questions are being ignored by the OP.

Fugeela

You sound like you may have a chemical imbalance. If that's true, you don't have to live like this. I suggest you consult a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist does both talk and medication therapy. A therapist just does behavioral and talk therapy. If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, just talking about it won't fix it. You may have to fix the underlying medical problem (chemical imbalance) and then you can focus on fixing behavioral issues and talking about strategies for becoming and staying emotionally healthy. Not everybody with emotional issues has a chemical imbalance and needs medication, but it may be something to consider. :flowerforyou:

I've always wondered, how does one get tested for an imbalance? Ive felt like this for years so I'm not sure it's that but just asking because my therapist never did anything like give me a test or diagnose me with anything other than "You sound depressed"

H_Factor

I agree with everyone who has said that finding a way to love and respect yourself is the first priority...and given your post, that's something we on the internet are not competent of helping you do. However, you did ask for some positive words and I found these words from Brian Tracy that I think could be helpful for you:


From Brian Tracy:

Unexpected circumstances can be thrown at you, but what is the thing that counts most in these situations? What counts most is how you react to what happens to you, especially when you have unexpected problems of any kind.

Here are four things you can do to assure that your attitude is the very best it can be, under all circumstances.

Focus On the Future

First, whatever challenges you face, focus on the future rather than on the past. Instead of worrying about who did what and who is to blame, focus on where you want to be and what you want to do. Get a clear mental image of your ideal successful future, and then take whatever action you can to begin moving in that direction. Get your mind, your thoughts, and your mental images on the future.

Think About the Solution

Second, whenever you're faced with a difficulty, focus on the solution rather than on the problem. Think and talk about the ideal solution to the obstacle or setback, rather than wasting time rehashing and reflecting on the problem. Solutions are inherently positive, whereas problems are inherently negative. The instant that you begin thinking in terms of solutions, you become a positive and constructive human being.

Look For the Good

Third, assume that something good is hidden within each difficulty or challenge. Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, a major proponent of positive thinking, once said, "Whenever God wants to give us a gift, he wraps it up in a problem." The bigger the gift you have coming, the bigger the problem you will receive. But the wonderful thing is that if you look for the gift, you will always find it.

Seek the Valuable Lesson

Fourth, assume that whatever situation you are facing at the moment is exactly the right situation you need to ultimately be successful. This situation has been sent to you to help you learn something, to help you become better, to help you expand and grow.



Decide to Be Positive

A Positive Mental Attitude is indispensable to your success. You can be as positive as you want to be if you will simply think about the future, focus on the solution and look for the good. If you do what other successful people do, if you use your mind to exert mental control over the situation, you will be positive and cheerful most of the time. And you will reap the benefits enjoyed by all successful people.


Action Exercises

Here are three steps you can take immediately to put these ideas into action:

First, become solution-oriented with every difficulty you face. Make a habit of looking for the answers to your questions, the solutions to your problems.

Second, seek for the valuable lesson in every adversity. Make a list of every idea or insight you can gain from every setback or difficulty.

Third, think on paper. Take some time to write out every detail of the problem, and then take the most logical next step to solve it.

Brian Tracy

wonderwoman234

I just want to send you hugs, sweetie. How terrible it must be to believe such awful things about yourself. I am truly sorry for that.

You CAN overcome body dysmorphia, which is what likely what you have, probably along with an ED. It is great that you are seeing a therapist.

Having the perfect body does not make your life better. There probably is NO perfect body. You said it yourself that you were unhappy with yourself even when you weighted less. Don't you realize that is because HOW you feel about yourself really has very little to do with the size of your body or your physical appearance in general?

True self-acceptance and love comes from knowing that you have value regardless of what you look like. Chasing a perfection that doesn't exist is such a sad way to go through life.

Keep working with your therapist!

I would also try some things that might help you focus on your insides instead of your exterior - stop reading beauty magazines, watching tv, and toss out your mirrors and scale. Spend some time focusing on what you bring to the world that isn't related to your looks in any way. And try to focus on something other than yourself. Volunteer, help your grandparents or someone who is truly less fortunate. That might help shift your focus a little.

We don't value infants and the elderly based on how much they weigh or how they look. We value them because they are human beings. It is a choice how we view the rest of the population. Do you want to be someone who bases a human being's value on how much they weigh or how attractive they are based on an arbitrary standard of beauty? Probably not! It all starts with yourself.

I wish you luck, dear girl!

acorsaut89

Ok so to me you either have a serious self-image issue and you need to talk to a qualified individual about that, not post it here or you're seriously looking for self validation and people here to tell you it's ok to be 134, 140 , 160 whatever.

If you look in the mirror and think you look "disgusting" at 140 lbs (or whatever) weighing 105 is not going to change that. I weigh 250, have some of the "disgusting back fat" as you put it and I couldn't be happier to be me. Is it perfect? No, far from it but I am strong, have a much lower BF since I started and I am doing it for me.

If you seriously need validation then you need to get it elsewhere. And you say tracking here makes you anxious and you obsess, but really if you write it down in a book or food journal isn't it really the same thing - just one is electronic?

I get that we all have self-image issues but if you honestly feel you can't even go out in public and practice your music then there are issues at hand which are larger than any of us can fix.

Hey, thanks for commenting. I wasn't or am not doing anything for validation, little less on here, but you do not know me so it is a fair assumption to make as I can understand why one would believe that is what I'm doing as I guess I do have a "horrible" outlook on my life in terms of how I view it rather than others.

I am doing it for me, but it seems I never improve at anything, just get upset that I don't see any changes and in turn ended up getting worse than before. I know self love is the best love and truest love, I love who I am, but I don't like how I look, it makes me upset in turn with whom I am. But as for the tracking that Is what I meant, I do essentially the same thing on paper- in my life, doing it on here is more of me obsessing over being 'on top' and in control of things.

I'm very sorry it comes across as a way of self validation but it's not and my honest intention is to hear what others have to say in order to give input, insight, share, or just listen. It isn't a cry for attention though I can understand. Thanks for responding, peace!

Really? Because from your pictures, unless they're weird and wacky, your thighs don't touch at all.

So either you went on a walk and made your thighs touch by walking a certain way ORRRRRR you're looking for attention. And if you don't get attention, as you said previously, I am leaning towards the second option there.

I am not saying there's anything wrong with wanting people to pay attention to you - it's not a horrible thing - but if you're going to say you have your thighs touching and these horrible rolls around your waist and into your back maybe, just maybe don't post pictures of yourself wearing almost nothing and where people can validate these statements to be true or not.

CJisinShape

Sounds like you are obsessing. You need to start backing off from the thoughts. Pray, ask God to heal you. Take up a hobby, and immerse your thought process into what you're doing. Flow is a state of mind when you are completely immersed in a task, can be achieved when you do something you enjoy that has some challenge to it. You can turn the volume down on the self hatred little by little, until you are ready to change the station to the love station. But YOU have to make the decision to get better. Because right now, it seems like all you care about is getting thinner. Get well!

GenZombie

I just want to send you hugs, sweetie. How terrible it must be to believe such awful things about yourself. I am truly sorry for that.

You CAN overcome body dysmorphia, which is what likely what you have, probably along with an ED. It is great that you are seeing a therapist.

Having the perfect body does not make your life better. There probably is NO perfect body. You said it yourself that you were unhappy with yourself even when you weighted less. Don't you realize that is because HOW you feel about yourself really has very little to do with the size of your body or your physical appearance in general?

True self-acceptance and love comes from knowing that you have value regardless of what you look like. Chasing a perfection that doesn't exist is such a sad way to go through life.

Keep working with your therapist!

I would also try some things that might help you focus on your insides instead of your exterior - stop reading beauty magazines, watching tv, and toss out your mirrors and scale. Spend some time focusing on what you bring to the world that isn't related to your looks in any way. And try to focus on something other than yourself. Volunteer, help your grandparents or someone who is truly less fortunate. That might help shift your focus a little.

We don't value infants and the elderly based on how much they weigh or how they look. We value them because they are human beings. It is a choice how we view the rest of the population. Do you want to be someone who bases a human being's value on how much they weigh or how attractive they are based on an arbitrary standard of beauty? Probably not! It all starts with yourself.

I wish you luck, dear girl!

:flowerforyou:

Slouith24

If you have a health condition that may be disrupting your ability to loose weight - such as in my case, insulin resistance and PCOS - you need to get checked out, because there may be meds and a specific diet that could help you. Please talk to someone in person - the internet is not the ideal place to be getting emotional support. Hope you feel better soon - you don't need to loose weight to be beautiful, strive to be healthy.

Fugeela

Ok so to me you either have a serious self-image issue and you need to talk to a qualified individual about that, not post it here or you're seriously looking for self validation and people here to tell you it's ok to be 134, 140 , 160 whatever.

If you look in the mirror and think you look "disgusting" at 140 lbs (or whatever) weighing 105 is not going to change that. I weigh 250, have some of the "disgusting back fat" as you put it and I couldn't be happier to be me. Is it perfect? No, far from it but I am strong, have a much lower BF since I started and I am doing it for me.

If you seriously need validation then you need to get it elsewhere. And you say tracking here makes you anxious and you obsess, but really if you write it down in a book or food journal isn't it really the same thing - just one is electronic?

I get that we all have self-image issues but if you honestly feel you can't even go out in public and practice your music then there are issues at hand which are larger than any of us can fix.

Hey, thanks for commenting. I wasn't or am not doing anything for validation, little less on here, but you do not know me so it is a fair assumption to make as I can understand why one would believe that is what I'm doing as I guess I do have a "horrible" outlook on my life in terms of how I view it rather than others.

I am doing it for me, but it seems I never improve at anything, just get upset that I don't see any changes and in turn ended up getting worse than before. I know self love is the best love and truest love, I love who I am, but I don't like how I look, it makes me upset in turn with whom I am. But as for the tracking that Is what I meant, I do essentially the same thing on paper- in my life, doing it on here is more of me obsessing over being 'on top' and in control of things.

I'm very sorry it comes across as a way of self validation but it's not and my honest intention is to hear what others have to say in order to give input, insight, share, or just listen. It isn't a cry for attention though I can understand. Thanks for responding, peace!

Really? Because from your pictures, unless they're weird and wacky, your thighs don't touch at all.

So either you went on a walk and made your thighs touch by walking a certain way ORRRRRR you're looking for attention. And if you don't get attention, as you said previously, I am leaning towards the second option there.

I am not saying there's anything wrong with wanting people to pay attention to you - it's not a horrible thing - but if you're going to sayin you have your thighs touching and these horrible rolls around your waist and into your back maybe, just maybe don't post pictures of yourself wearing almost nothing and where people can validate these statements to be true or not.

You did not ask when these photos were from, because one was from 14 months ago, the other about 19 months ago. I look completely different now because I have gained some weight back, sorry I did not post anymore photos and don't want to take anymore at this time because of how I look and feel about it, would just make me upset. I now have cellulite, and my thighs do touch again just as my backfat came back, overall body looks differently. Sorry, maybe you misinterpreted. What I'm saying is the truth, don't rely on pictures because they are not now, they were the past. Thanks for responding anyhow x

farfromthetree

I don't really want attention from strangers, I don't get attention at all to be quite honest, which everyone deserves. But I am just stating how I feel, sorry if you may have felt this was a ploy for attention, I am only assuming that is why you asked such but it was a genuine mistake, not a way of getting comments or attention for my horrible outlook on my boring, disgraceful view of my life.

gah! I still cannot get the stupid quoting thing down!




See that last sentence? Statements like that could be driving people away. When you say things like this it is overwhelming and too much to take on as a friend.

Do you mind me asking..not sure if I missed it earier, what is your height and weight presently? I am thinking you have severe, and I mean severe, self esteem issues. My guess is you are not ugly or even significantly over weight right now. You are only 21, and have your whole life ahead of you...please get help

Thank you for inquiring, my height is 5'7, I may be 143, I pray not, I'd hope around 140 as I was the other day (not like that makes me feel great either because my body fat got very high over the last 7 months) I am not significantly overweight by standards but a lot of this is my perception of myself which in turn upsets me because I deserve to love myself, but I cannot like this, I am upset like this, I am on edge like this. I am repulsed by this. Thus it just seems to have gotten worse after I have other things going on as well. But I put so much energy into something so toxic, and I am not a vain or superficial person, so it makes it worse. I see beauty in everyone and thing, but yet with myself I get upset.
[/quote]


It seems like many people on here do care, and are providing good advice. Dont just read...chase it. Get your mind and body healthy together. I have kids your age and I would be heart broken if my children felt this way. Good luck (hug)

Barbellarella_

You definitely need to focus on fixing your mindset, not your body. You are just using your body as an outlet, for the internal problems you have with your mind.

Put it in perspective, you are already smack dab in the middle of the "normal weight" category for your height. You DON''T actually need to lose any weight.

Your goal would put you in the underweight category. I'm actually laughing because we have the same weight goal, and I'm 7 inches smaller than you, put that in perspective for a moment.

Imagine what it would feel like for a second, to be completely satisfied with your body, exactly where it is right now. THAT, my dear, should be the only goal you're going after right now.