Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

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Replies

  • fitfreakymom
    fitfreakymom Posts: 1,400 Member
    She wanted to know
  • Kotuliak
    Kotuliak Posts: 259 Member
    While your husband may find you unattractive, that doesn't make it so. You are very attractive as you are. I would say be confident in yourself, if you feel you want to lose weight or tone and shape your body then do it for you, for your health and happiness. Changing yourself to please him, wont make him more attracted to you if you think it will your fooling yourself. A man would love you as is, if he was suddenly disfigured due to a burn or accident for life would you find him less attractive or the same man you love... I think youd love him the same. His being honest is one thing but its still shallow.
    OP may be the most attractive woman on MFP, but if her husband finds her unattractive because of her weight, that's all that matters in this context.

    Nobody is talking about "changing oneself" - we're talking about losing weight. And yes, as outrageous as it may sound to some people, lean and fit body is more attractive. If you don't believe me, just go to the "Success Stories" section of the forum. I don't recall reading any "you looked fantastic with 100 pounds of extra fat" comments.

    Finally, let's not confuse physical attraction and love. We love many people we're not physically attracted to. It just so happens that the husband-wife type of relationship is more complete and satisfying when there is a mutual physical attraction.

    So I applaud the OP's intentions to make changes in her life in order to bring the desired balance to her relationship. Much more productive attitude than the angry pseudo-feminist negativism.
  • fitfreakymom
    fitfreakymom Posts: 1,400 Member
    Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."

    I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.

    Should he have lied?

    He shouldn't have even gone there. Now she's gonna go try and lose weight, might fail, and there he will be with his honesty and it will be her fault that "he's not attracted to her."


    What if she asked him?

    Not then either. For her own sake as well. What if she fails?
    What if she doesn't fail?

    What if she does...fail.

    She will only fail if she throws in the towel
  • OhReally42
    OhReally42 Posts: 138 Member
    The first thing you should always ask yourself is WHY are you wanting to be healthy. If it's for him to find you attractive again than you can basically throw that reason out the window, I only say that because there's a major pattern of quitting when people are losing weight for someone other than themselves. I also wouldn't think of it was "Losing weight". Think of it as becoming healthy, for you, so you can feel better FOR YOU. You're going through a process of becoming healthy, if a result of being healthy is losing weight then cool. If not, keep trying. Your diet is almost always the first thing that affects your weight, activity is second. Even if it takes a while to figure out your diet, I'm almost positive just adjusting your daily intake would help a ton, at least to jump start you. When I started counting my calories I dropped down 20 pounds in 2 weeks. Thats an extreme example but you could have a similar experience.
  • fitfreakymom
    fitfreakymom Posts: 1,400 Member
    Your man has the nerve to tell you you are not attractive? He has the body of a teenager lol I think he needs to start lifting something heavy.
  • lilmisfit1987
    lilmisfit1987 Posts: 183 Member
    While your husband may find you unattractive, that doesn't make it so. You are very attractive as you are. I would say be confident in yourself, if you feel you want to lose weight or tone and shape your body then do it for you, for your health and happiness. Changing yourself to please him, wont make him more attracted to you if you think it will your fooling yourself. A man would love you as is, if he was suddenly disfigured due to a burn or accident for life would you find him less attractive or the same man you love... I think youd love him the same. His being honest is one thing but its still shallow.

    100% Agree! My husband is HONEST with me. He has told me that he found me more attractive when I was 100lbs smaller 10 years ago when I asked him, but he has never ever said he finds me disgusting and unattractive now that I have the weight. That is not LOVE! If it is than you and I love in two completely different ways! It would be impossible for me to look at my soul mate and best friend for over 10 years and find his appearance disgusting...I don't care if he gained 500lbs or was a burn victim. That is isn't love...that's shallow and cruel.

    IF you want to lose weight, then lose it for yourself and NOBODY else. Trust me...losing weight to fit somebody else's standard is never a good idea...
  • Kotuliak
    Kotuliak Posts: 259 Member
    losing weight to fit somebody else's standard is never a good idea...
    In my personal experience, losing weight for any reason is always a great idea (of course assuming one is overweight or obese).
  • If you can say that to your spouse, you are probably married to the wrong person. Or actually, she is.. I can't even imagine...
  • yychen01
    yychen01 Posts: 31 Member
    How do you feel about yourself? I made the decision to lose the baby weight after having my second baby...it was really tough...but I wasn't attracted to myself and wanted to make the change. I started with T25, a program that was only 25 minutes a day (doable with two kids) and then moved onto Crossfit. It has been about 8 months of working out and eating better now and I've lost 35+ pounds.

    If you need a fellow mom to help keep you accountable, add me as a friend :)
    When you are attractive by your own standards, nothing that comes out of his mouth will matter because nothing can put you down!
  • thyella
    thyella Posts: 21 Member
    Well you could always leave him with the four kids and go to a 6 week spa where there is no stress, prepared meals, plenty of rest and regular convenient yoga classes, wt training and massage. I bet that weight would fly off. I have four children also and although I love them too pieces it is a major struggle from birth until....lets see my oldest just graduated UC Davis 2 weeks ago and still comes lives with me sometimes.

    You need a routine, a relaxed routine like you drop the kids at school and go to a nice gym where you aren't stressing about laundry, take a shower, have time to shave. The latest workout recommendation is for high-intensity-interval-training and women should lift weights like men. Maybe a personal trainer if you aren't gym savvy, or research. dailyburn on u-tube I just downloaded, I belong to a gym but wanted something for home too.

    Since carbs are my Achilles heal I'll go with that one, program this site so that you only take in 20 to 30 grams of carb a day, crank up your protein and even your fat. Carbs are more easily stored, turned into fat. I prefer, and since you have children you need to teach, to only eat natural foods: butter, Breyer's ice cream, homemade chicken salad, homemade mac-n-cheese. Read labels. If you can't identify the first 4 things it really isn't food. Use fresh vegetables, and fresh fruit. Limit everyones's bread, crackers, cereal, processed anything. Before my divorce and if your husband is critical, i found myself eating candy when I heard his voice (a bad sign)

    I'm not going to say your husband is a jerk but he NEEDS to help you to be in a place you can lose weight; happy, stress free, not trying to feed you junk. Beware when a spouse says one thing but then actively works to keep you heavy.

    Hope this helps, been there done that...finding time for yourself while raising four kids should be part of a master's degree.
    Good Luck
  • Auraonfire
    Auraonfire Posts: 21 Member
    If it were me I would use his honesty as inspiration.

    The thing is though, if you stand in front of the mirror naked and you are content with your size then you will not change. There is nothing anyone could say on here to help or inspire you.

    Now if you look in the mirror at your stretch marks and your flabby skin and your remember what you used to look like and know in your heart you can be that person again, then and only then will YOU make a difference.

    You will then make the effort to cut calories.
    You will take that extra walk around the block.
    You will lose weight.
  • trbinado
    trbinado Posts: 9
    There is always keeping it to himself - y'know if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    I just found this thread today (well technically yesterday since it's after midnight) and FINALLY finished all 17 pages.

    Quick easy advice for OP - do this with the whole family

    1. Eat vegetables - lots of vegetables

    2. Eat protein - good sources are Greek yogurt, eggs, chicken, tuna

    3. Try not to eat anything that has more than 4 ingredients on the label.

    4. Finally - get some sleep.

    Do you have any family or friends that can watch the kids so you can get one night of real sleep?

    I wish I could go grocery shopping and cook for you and your kids for a week.
  • upasanaD
    upasanaD Posts: 56
    As you told your husband loves you and you have that confidence. Then what he said is not wrong.

    In my case my husband had problems with my seriousness about my carrier and i had problem with his appearance.We love each other very much and we accepted each other the way we are but still we want our partner to improve in some areas. Now i improved myself a lot and he also tried his best to improve him. Now i am so much focused in my carrier and he also tried his best to make him presentable. Then we felt it was good for us not only for our partner. So nothing wrong in that.

    I think this was not the first time he told you to lose weight right??? He expected it from you for a long time. But you didn't try.
    May be that's why he told you directly.

    Weight loss is not too hard. Actually its fun if you enjoy. It will become your passion. It will completely change you life. Its a great thing. You will look good and you can get rid of health issues. Actually its a must thing for everyone. So your husband is not asking for a wrong thing.

    1. Eat 5-6 small meals in a day instead of 3 large meals.
    2. Avoid outside food as much as possible.
    3. cut down all the sweets from your diet including sugar.
    4. Avoid processed food and go for fresh chicken, fruits, vegetables etc.
    5. Choose low fat dairy products instead of full fat.
    6. Drink minimum 8-10 glasses of water per day.
    7. Sleep at least 7-8 hours.
    8. exercise regularly at least 1 hours in a day and 5 days in a week.
    9. Increase your protein intake.

    If you follow these rules you will lose weight. Not immediately but definitely.

    “Fall down seven times, get up eight”

    Best of luck.
  • Amberellie11
    Amberellie11 Posts: 16 Member
    First, While people are sitting here arguing about lying vs. telling the truth I think we have all missed the point here. When they married, he vowed to love her in sickness and in health, in "better or for worse"...At the end of the day, he vowed an "unconditional love"! I love that sees and knows no boundaries regardless of her physical situation. So to vow that he loves her unconditionally and then put a condition on it is a bit disheartening and hurtful. Though I agree honesty is the best policy, there are better ways to express it then the superficial road he has taken. It's taken me leaving a very nasty abusive marriage and then finding another amazing man to learn this lesson and the following.

    2nd, you don't motivate someone by fear and making them feel down about themselves in order to get them to lose weight, its already setting them up for failure if they base any health goals on that premises. Eventually, they will act on stress and emotions on a bad day that if you don't pull yourself out of, turns into several bad days and thus, can turn into a vicious cycle that does no better for esteem and motivation.

    He should be doing things that build her up like telling her that she is beautiful, cheering in her corner when she had completed a workout or made a fitness goal. Telling her "you can do this!" and "how can I help make this an easier journey for you?". SUPPORT! :smile:

    The motives need to also be for YOU not for fear of his opinion of you. You lose the weight because you want to have a healthier life that will give you the nutritional value you need, that will help prevent any health issues that could occur due to weight, that will help make you more of a happy, energetic and balanced you.

    Once you have a more balanced you in place, the other goals like being there and more active with your kids and looking sexy for your man will fall into place too!

    I say that you are gorgeous and you can do this! You got this girl! If you want to add me as a friend for support and motivation, please do! :drinker:
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
    Answer my question. If she fails, what good is his honesty for their marriage?

    A relationship that is not built on honesty is not a relationship at all. If they are no longer compatible for whatever reason then they SHOULD communicate about why and then communicate about how to fix it (if they even want to) to be honest he should have said something sooner - or better yet DONE something about it. HELP her, start cooking healthier food, taking the kids so she has time to work out or do activities as a family. Dropping the "I'm not attracted to you anymore" card like that was an *kitten* thing to do for sure, BUT yes, it had to be said. Once it's out there you can decide what to do about it - if anything.

    Losing weight for 'someone else' is very nearly impossible. You need to want it for yourself. If you want it for yourself then you need to have others around you to be supportive - or at least not be jerks about it. So, if you decide you still want to be with your hubby and he is serious about helping you then go for it. If he was just using that excuse, you may find yourself eventually going it alone and without the desire to do it for yourself, you will fail. I hope you can find a path that works for you.
  • swertyqwerty
    swertyqwerty Posts: 81 Member
    From your pics you look gorgeous! He must be a very picky guy. Very brutally honest of him. Hope this is the incentive you need to get in shape.
  • hastingsmassage
    hastingsmassage Posts: 162 Member
    Isn't that enough of motivation when your own guy doesn't find you attractive anymore?
  • I completely understand how you feel. My hubby told me the same things as well. You would think that would be enough motivation but it isn't, I am in the same boat with the exercising and eating. I hope you find what you are looking for.
  • klbaierwalter
    klbaierwalter Posts: 309 Member
    Your husboyand seems to have some deep seeded insecurities of his own. Misery loves company and what better way to make himself feel better, than to drag you down with him. He's a *kitten*, plain and simple. He sounds like a mean-hearted loser in my opinion. I am 27 and my husband and I have been married for less than a year. We have been together about 5 years. He knows that if he said anything like that to me, that I would probably karate-kick him right in his junk! I know that you asked him, but he clearly doesn't know what tact is. And as you said that he doesn't like your son? Oh hell no! That would be a major deal breaker for me. I don't have children yet, but I can only imagine how you feel. He needs to get the hell out. You need to let him go. If you want to lose weight and get healthier, that's awesome but you need to do this for you and you alone. Not for some *kitten* who has the gall to try and make you out to be ugly. No one should ever be made to feel like they are less of a person. You are a strong beautiful woman inside and out and you need to drop him! Move on with your life. You are young and you have 4 beautiful babies who look up to their mother. Don't let them get the wrong message about you, and think that how your husboyand treats you is the right way to treat someone else.

    Good luck!