Sexual Assult Prevention Week
Replies
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I do my best to teach my daughters what boundaries are. Theirs, and others.
I teach them that other people have different boundaries to, and that you have to respect their space.
I teach them that if something makes them uncomfortable, they don't have to do it.
AND that if something they are doing is making someone ELSE uncomfortable. THEY HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.
I teach these in all areas - not just sexual. And I hope it has been enough.
eta:
an example of this... my oldest daughter is a hugger. She wants to hug everyone and everything - people, pets... I'm teaching her that she shouldn't hug strangers, that if she wants to hug a friend, that she should be sure that friend wants a hug (if in doubt ask), and that when she goes to hug her sister - if her sister resists that hug - she NEEDS TO STOP.0 -
I do my best to teach my daughters what boundaries are. Theirs, and others.
I teach them that other people have different boundaries to, and that you have to respect their space.
I teach them that if something makes them uncomfortable, they don't have to do it.
AND that if something they are doing is making someone ELSE uncomfortable. THEY HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.
I teach these in all areas - not just sexual. And I hope it has been enough.
eta:
an example of this... my oldest daughter is a hugger. She wants to hug everyone and everything - people, pets... I'm teaching her that she shouldn't hug strangers, that if she wants to hug a friend, that she should be sure that friend wants a hug (if in doubt ask), and that when she goes to hug her sister - if her sister resists that hug - she NEEDS TO STOP.
Yes, me too. I teach my daughters to respect the bodies and boundaries of others.
We can do our best. But, a child is no match for the manipulation of an adult.0 -
I teach my kids that no means no - in all contexts. I have two girls, if I had boys I'd teach them the same. They're still young so it's more about what parts of their body are private and no-one can touch them without their permission, etc (I'm following NSPCC guidelines about how to teach them this kind of thing)..... but when they're older, yes they'll do self defence classes, and probably they'll be doing martial arts before that (something I'm going to be actively encouraging them to do) - but at the same time I'm going to tell them never to rely on self defence alone... that the first rule of self defence is to run away, and that avoiding certain situations decreases their risk, etc etc.... from personal experience, one time this guy in a pub would not take no for an answer, and I floored him (judo/aikido kind of move - I got to brown belt/2nd kyu in Judo and have done other martial arts as well) then I got the largest of my male friends who I was with (I was with a group of friends) to walk me back to the nearest tube station, in case this guy followed me, even though I knew I was stronger than him and could do martial arts on him.... because someone can still follow you and take you unawares and manage to overcome you before you have a chance to fight back, especially if they have a weapon.... self defence moves are only for when you can't avoid the situation or get out any other way. they absolutely are extremely good to know, and just knowing them improves your self-confidence, but they're not to be relied on and not to replace stuff like situational awareness or getting out of the situation ASAP.
Also, men and boys get raped and sexually assaulted too. No-one should forget that. Everyone's talking about teaching boys to respect women and girls but they can become the victims of this as well, and unfortuately boys and men who are raped or sexually assaulted often don't get take as seriously as women and girls who do, because they have the additional stigma of the fact that men are supposed to be strong and protect themselves, and men are supposed to like sex with anyone regardless... for example I've heard of cases where a man is raped or sexually assaulted by a woman being not taken seriously at all because apparently he was supposed to enjoy it and he automatically wanted it just because he's male. Really, people need to teach boys about the fact that they don't have to just suffer in silence if something like this happens to them, and girls need to know that no means no. Yep it's rarer but it does happen.0 -
I just want to say thank you to everyone giving their opinions. Some very good points being made and also some good advice.
On my lunch break today, I happened to be reading the news and was floored by this article. You would think as a victim, he would be the one saying spare no cost.... test them all!
http://www.ksl.com/?sid=30369533&nid=148&title=debate-over-untested-rape-kits-spurs-accusations-of-insensitivity&s_cid=queue-140 -
I just want to say thank you to everyone giving their opinions. Some very good points being made and also some good advice.
On my lunch break today, I happened to be reading the news and was floored by this article. You would think as a victim, he would be the one saying spare no cost.... test them all!
http://www.ksl.com/?sid=30369533&nid=148&title=debate-over-untested-rape-kits-spurs-accusations-of-insensitivity&s_cid=queue-14
There are lots of cases in which repeat offenders get away with crimes because of the backlog. And when kits are finally processed, they find the offender (due to being in the data base for other crimes), but the statute of limitations is up.
One things is that because of my working on a speaker's bureau for sexual assault, I do know many people and have heard many stories first hand. Plus I have been through so much of my own. I was sexually abused by my former stepfather (an extremely violent man) when I was a small child, I was assaulted when I was 9 and fought back, but I was too small. I was attacked when I was 15 by a stranger and I did fight enough for him to eventually run away. And those are just a few of my own experiences. A lot of people think this is "just stuff that happens on tv", but those are all real people, it happens to real people, even though it sounds so horrible it must only happen to "those other people" that no real people ever know. And there will never be any progress if people don't listen and have rational and productive conversations. Demonstrating that people will publicly mock women and stay fixated on them that way for asking a safety question is not going to help anything. It is possible for people to communicate and express different viewpoints and to get people to think things through in a calm, rational, productive, and intelligent way like adults. I think this issue warrants that.0 -
They need to bring back the chastity belts0
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make it normal to teach men and young boys about not raping about how they are in no way ever entitled to someone elses body
"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."0 -
They need to bring back the chastity belts
Hahahaha0 -
Castrate frat boys.0
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They need to bring back the chastity belts
Hahahaha
Care to explain why you found that funny?0 -
Is banning music video the solution to preventing sexual assult?
http://www.tmz.com/videos/0_9tciflln/0 -
make it normal to teach men and young boys about not raping about how they are in no way ever entitled to someone elses body
instead of always making it up to the women and young women to not get raped - yes learning these things is still important HOWEVER IT IS NOT OUR FCKING FAULT and we should never be looked at like "well you should of done this this and this or not worn this or never gone outside walking by yourself EVER or drank that or ororororororororor"
yea im getting upset
stupidest thing ever. this line of twitter groupthink is beyond stupid.
Teach non violence and non aggression. To both men and women. This should not be a gender based movement or argument.. Its a matter of reducing violence
Every rapist knows they aren't entitled to someone else's body. Every murderer also knows they probably shoudn't kill. Teaching boys "not to rape" (newsflash: we were all taught this already) is not going to do a thing. Teach PEOPLE to be better PEOPLE will help. Correcting issues which lead to mental disorders will help.
This isn't an issue about teaching boys vs telling girls what not do do. 40% of sexual assault victims are male. Most violent crime victims are male. Males are also taught and told not to go into dangerous areas and put ourselves in comprising positions. As we should be. And women should be told the same. It's common sense in a dangerous world. The world will always be dangerous. We can reduce the danger, but never eliminate it. People CHOOSE to murder and rape.
"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."
so stupid. men are killed more often than women. We are just as wary of other men. This is not an issue of men vs women. It's an issue of violence. Period. Egalitarianism over gender bias, in either direction.
Teach non violence and non aggression. To both men and women. This should not be a gender based movement or argument.. Its a matter of reducing violence0 -
I do my best to teach my daughters what boundaries are. Theirs, and others.
I teach them that other people have different boundaries to, and that you have to respect their space.
I teach them that if something makes them uncomfortable, they don't have to do it.
AND that if something they are doing is making someone ELSE uncomfortable. THEY HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.
I teach these in all areas - not just sexual. And I hope it has been enough.
eta:
an example of this... my oldest daughter is a hugger. She wants to hug everyone and everything - people, pets... I'm teaching her that she shouldn't hug strangers, that if she wants to hug a friend, that she should be sure that friend wants a hug (if in doubt ask), and that when she goes to hug her sister - if her sister resists that hug - she NEEDS TO STOP.
Yes, me too. I teach my daughters to respect the bodies and boundaries of others.
We can do our best. But, a child is no match for the manipulation of an adult.
I know, and that terrifies me.
The reason I mentioned this, is that if we, as parents of tomorrow's adults, teach our children to respect boundaries, and stop with the selfishness - but rather learn to at least recognize and respect the needs of others (not necessarily meet those needs), then perhaps we ARE helping to prevent future sexual assault. To some minimal extent, that is.0 -
Castrate frat boys.
this may have been an attempt at humor, but it falls flat on me.0 -
I do my best to teach my daughters what boundaries are. Theirs, and others.
I teach them that other people have different boundaries to, and that you have to respect their space.
I teach them that if something makes them uncomfortable, they don't have to do it.
AND that if something they are doing is making someone ELSE uncomfortable. THEY HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.
I teach these in all areas - not just sexual. And I hope it has been enough.
eta:
an example of this... my oldest daughter is a hugger. She wants to hug everyone and everything - people, pets... I'm teaching her that she shouldn't hug strangers, that if she wants to hug a friend, that she should be sure that friend wants a hug (if in doubt ask), and that when she goes to hug her sister - if her sister resists that hug - she NEEDS TO STOP.
Yes, me too. I teach my daughters to respect the bodies and boundaries of others.
We can do our best. But, a child is no match for the manipulation of an adult.
I know, and that terrifies me.
The reason I mentioned this, is that if we, as parents of tomorrow's adults, teach our children to respect boundaries, and stop with the selfishness - but rather learn to at least recognize and respect the needs of others (not necessarily meet those needs), then perhaps we ARE helping to prevent future sexual assault. To some minimal extent, that is.
Yeah, I completely agree with you!!
Also, a great way to teach about boundaries is to teach our children what boundaries are in this way.
The last part of my statement was only as a support to anyone reading, not to blame themselves.
:flowerforyou:
Also just want to add to the discussion that I think it is important that we also teach our children to speak up if they witness another child (or adult when they get older) being abused, or to get help from an adult when a child confides in them about abuse.0 -
This is not an issue of men vs women. It's an issue of violence. Period.
I agree. It's not a competition.
Too often it turns into a gender competition and everyone loses site of productively dealing with violence.
The statistic are notoriously wrong. People can get into arguments all day with statistics. It's just a distraction from dealing with the issue.
I know girls and boys that have been assaulted, I know men and women that have been assaulted. Many many murders are actually committed in domestic violence.0 -
As a mother of boys what I can do to prevent sexual assaults from happening is have these uncomfortable talks with my boys just like I have to have other uncomfortable talks with them about drugs and gangs and birth control and smoking and etc. and so on.
It should just be one more topic that girls AND boys get talked to about from their parents BEFORE it's a problem and this I think would go a long way in molding the minds of boys who will become men as to what is and isn't appropriate and as to what is and isn't good power.
Secrets are the breeding ground for toxicity and the uncomfy nature of the rape topic allows it to fester in our society as an unchecked weed.0 -
It's about respect. Teach children to respect others.0
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Castrate frat boys.
this may have been an attempt at humor, but it falls flat on me.
So I am not very funny. Sorry.
But the point I was making is that frat boy culture has normalized the behavior that leads to sexual assault.
Besides that, date rape is the most common form of rape, and that comes from creating a consent-based culture.
What can I do to prevent sexaul assault?
I can always ask permission before beginning any kind of advance, sexual or not, and make my intentions very clear. If the girl says no or stop at any point, I can cease and desist immediately.0 -
Secrets are the breeding ground for toxicity and the uncomfy nature of the rape topic allows it to fester in our society as an unchecked weed.
Yes!0 -
I read through this thread earlier and wasn't going to offer my opinion, but I think maybe I should.
So far, a lot of what we seem to be talking about is a reference to the idea that women are usually attacked when they're alone, walking in dark alleys at night or unaccompanied in a dangerous part of town. These scenarios do happen. And I do think that learning self-defense and self-awareness is very important, not from a prevention standpoint, but because people really suck sometimes, and I think it's smart to have as many advantages as possible in a bad situation.
BUT self-defense and self-awareness aren't enough. Women aren't just assaulted while they're walking all alone in the dark, or because their skirts are too short, or because they've made themselves "easy targets". They're often assaulted by people they've known for weeks, months, or even years. Many of us have learned to be aware and on guard when we're alone in public, or to stay with our female friends if we're out at a bar or a party. But when it's someone that we've formed some kind of relationship with, we may not be so focused on being defensive, and there seems to be a very large cultural gray area when it's someone you know vs. someone you don't know. Two of my very close friends have been sexually assaulted, and both of them were assaulted by men they knew (one of whom we all thought we knew quite well). Both of my friends experienced an array of emotions about what happened to them, including confusion over how they should feel about what happened, and guilt in thinking they should have done something differently. Neither of their attackers believe they did anything at all wrong. One incident was never reported, and the other was reported to university counselors and officials and nothing was ever done about it. She never pressed charges because the school gave her such a hard time about it, and because he was in a fraternity and a valued athlete. The fraternity brothers that helped her and got her to a safe place also told her that they couldn't give a statement on her behalf because "brothers stick together" or some *kitten* like that.
We need to culturally redefine what sexual assault is and what consent really means so that these large gray areas and normalizations no longer exist.0 -
I read through this thread earlier and wasn't going to offer my opinion, but I think maybe I should.
So far, most of what we seem to be talking about is a reference to the idea that women are usually attacked when they're alone, walking in dark alleys at night or unaccompanied in a dangerous part of town. These scenarios do happen. And I do think that learning self-defense and self-awareness is very important, not from a prevention standpoint, but because people really suck sometimes, and I think it's smart to have as many advantages as possible in a bad situation.
BUT self-defense and self-awareness aren't enough. Women aren't just assaulted while they're walking all alone in the dark, or because their skirts are too short, or because they've made themselves "easy targets". They're often assaulted by people they've known for weeks, months, or even years. Many of us have learned to be aware and on guard when we're alone in public, or to stay with our female friends if we're out at a bar or a party. But when it's someone that we've formed some kind of relationship with, we may not be so focused on being defensive, and there seems to be a very large cultural gray area when it's someone you know vs. someone you don't know. Two of my very close friends have been sexually assaulted, and both of them were assaulted by men they knew (one of whom we all thought we knew quite well). Both of my friends experienced an array of emotions about what happened to them, including confusion over how they should feel about what happened, and guilt in thinking they should have done something differently. Neither of their attackers believe they did anything at all wrong. One incident was never reported, and the other was reported to university counselors and officials and nothing was ever done about it. She never pressed charges because the school gave her such a hard time about it, and because he was in a fraternity and a valued athlete.
We need to culturally redefine what sexual assault is and what consent really means so that these large gray areas and normalizations no longer exist.
I am glad we are friends.0 -
*All of my children from the time we could communicate have learned that they do not go with anyone who they have not heard me or their father tell them it is OK to go with, and only on that particular occasion.
*If anyone makes them uncomfortable no matter WHO IT IS. Tell someone they trust like me, or their dad, teacher, or grandparent.
*If someone tries to take them Scream, kick, bite, scratch, push fingers into the eyes,let your body as limp as possible to make you harder to take (when they got older, and heavier), and yell Rape, b/c this gets the most attention quickly, and then start yelling out identifying features. Hair color, clothes, tattoos, scars, sex, anything they see!
* Don't allow anyone to get you to a second location.
*Stay with people don't isolate yourself. If you have to walk to your car alone put your car keys in between your fingers in a grip to use as a weapon on the face, and don't hesitate (not for a minute), and make a wide circle so you can see both sides of the car before you get in check the back seat, unlock only the door you are getting in on, and lock the door as you are closing it...then get settled in.
* ABOVE ALL ELSE KEEP CALM AND THINK!!!!!! FIND SOLUTIONS AROUND YOU ANYTHING IS A RESOURCE!!
I talk often to my kids about this. Almost every other day, and no matter how much I got" I know mom..... I know dad."... they now react without hesitation, or fear in bad situations. It is automatic for them.
So really the best tool IS TALKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS!!!
(Can you tell I am a Cop's kid)0 -
If you have to walk to your car alone put your car keys in between your fingers in a grip to use as a weapon on the face
This is a myth of protection.
It is awkward and ineffective to put keys between fingers. It's better to walk, holding your key in preparation to put it into the key lock. If you were attacked, You can use it just like that more effectively. And it's true that the most effective way of defense is to go for the sensitive areas that hurt and cause the person to reflexively coil away, giving you time to get away. This is what I learned in self defense 13 years ago, anyway.0 -
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If you have to walk to your car alone put your car keys in between your fingers in a grip to use as a weapon on the face
This is a myth of protection.
It is awkward and ineffective to put keys between fingers. It's better to walk, holding your key in preparation to put it into the key lock. If you were attacked, You can use it just like that more effectively. And it's true that the most effective way of defense is to go for the sensitive areas that hurt and cause the person to reflexively coil away, giving you time to get away. This is what I learned in self defense 13 years ago, anyway.
Just one of the things I was taught growing up, and passed on to my kids. I hold one key between my pointer and middle finger, and I told them to use it to stab the soft pallet under the chin or the juggler.
OHHH! and don't loop bags over your wrist. Either hold them so you can drop them quickly or the bag needs to be big enough to put it up on shoulder. If someone attacks drop it, and run if you can! Screaming all the same as above.0 -
If you have to walk to your car alone put your car keys in between your fingers in a grip to use as a weapon on the face
This is a myth of protection.
It is awkward and ineffective to put keys between fingers. It's better to walk, holding your key in preparation to put it into the key lock. If you were attacked, You can use it just like that more effectively. And it's true that the most effective way of defense is to go for the sensitive areas that hurt and cause the person to reflexively coil away, giving you time to get away. This is what I learned in self defense 13 years ago, anyway.
Just one of the things I was taught growing up, and passed on to my kids. I hold one key between my pointer and middle finger, and I told them to use it to stab the soft pallet under the chin or the juggler.
OHHH! and don't loop bags over your wrist. Either hold them so you can drop them quickly or the bag needs to be big enough to put it up on shoulder. If someone attacks drop it, and run if you can! Screaming all the same as above.
Oh, yeah, the one key makes sense.
I was just referring to when people put all their keys between their fingers.0 -
One initiative is "just do anything"
If something seems wrong or out of place or feels icky about a situation, do something.
There tend to be a number of witnesses at the initial encounter in an incident of personal violence - the average is 12 - if somebody does ANYTHING at all, it can prevent it from happening.
http://www.livethegreendot.com/gd_overview.html0 -
It looks like you've got kiddos so I'd start or continue raising them to be respectful and mindful of others sexuality, like the commercial says "if she doesn't consent or is unable to consent then it's rape". In my metroplex there are awareness dinners that I've been too as well as volunteering in women's shelters as a lot of women and children in the shelters are victims of sexual assault. You talking about it is a great start, you definitely got the conversation going.
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