Sexual Assult Prevention Week
Replies
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make it normal to teach men and young boys about not raping about how they are in no way ever entitled to someone elses body
This.
Everything else is window dressing, this is the key point.0 -
One initiative is "just do anything"
If something seems wrong or out of place or feels icky about a situation, do something.
There tend to be a number of witnesses at the initial encounter in an incident of personal violence - the average is 12 - if somebody does ANYTHING at all, it can prevent it from happening.
http://www.livethegreendot.com/gd_overview.html
I think this pretty huge.
I don't think most people raise a child to be a rapist. But sometimes we do raise children to mind their own business to a fault.
At my sister's wedding, one of her bride's maids got plastered. A sober groomsmen kept trying to get her away from the group, isolate her - not many people "wanted to cause a ruckus" or "ruin the wedding". Yeah, who has two thumbs and doesn't care about "ruining" her sister's wedding with a "ruckus"? This girl. My brother in law told the groomsman to leave and he was embarrassed he had him stand up at their wedding. Nothing was "ruined" that night and the person who deserved the humiliation was humiliated.0 -
Castrate frat boys.
if only if only0 -
*All of my children from the time we could communicate have learned that they do not go with anyone who they have not heard me or their father tell them it is OK to go with, and only on that particular occasion.
*If anyone makes them uncomfortable no matter WHO IT IS. Tell someone they trust like me, or their dad, teacher, or grandparent.
*If someone tries to take them Scream, kick, bite, scratch, push fingers into the eyes,let your body as limp as possible to make you harder to take (when they got older, and heavier), and yell Rape, b/c this gets the most attention quickly, and then start yelling out identifying features. Hair color, clothes, tattoos, scars, sex, anything they see!
* Don't allow anyone to get you to a second location.
*Stay with people don't isolate yourself. If you have to walk to your car alone put your car keys in between your fingers in a grip to use as a weapon on the face, and don't hesitate (not for a minute), and make a wide circle so you can see both sides of the car before you get in check the back seat, unlock only the door you are getting in on, and lock the door as you are closing it...then get settled in.
* ABOVE ALL ELSE KEEP CALM AND THINK!!!!!! FIND SOLUTIONS AROUND YOU ANYTHING IS A RESOURCE!!
I talk often to my kids about this. Almost every other day, and no matter how much I got" I know mom..... I know dad."... they now react without hesitation, or fear in bad situations. It is automatic for them.
So really the best tool IS TALKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS!!!
(Can you tell I am a Cop's kid)
Almost every other day?
I want balance. I want a healthy respect for dangerous situations, but I don't want my kids to live in fear. I don't want my daughters to be terrified of the dark, or of every person they meet.
I think there's a fine line between education and paranoia.0 -
One initiative is "just do anything"
If something seems wrong or out of place or feels icky about a situation, do something.
There tend to be a number of witnesses at the initial encounter in an incident of personal violence - the average is 12 - if somebody does ANYTHING at all, it can prevent it from happening.
http://www.livethegreendot.com/gd_overview.html
I think this pretty huge.
I don't think most people raise a child to be a rapist. But sometimes we do raise children to mind their own business to a fault.
At my sister's wedding, one of her bride's maids got plastered. A sober groomsmen kept trying to get her away from the group, isolate her - not many people "wanted to cause a ruckus" or "ruin the wedding". Yeah, who has two thumbs and doesn't care about "ruining" her sister's wedding with a "ruckus"? This girl. My brother in law told the groomsman to leave and he was embarrassed he had him stand up at their wedding. Nothing was "ruined" that night and the person who deserved the humiliation was humiliated.
Thank you for that.0 -
*All of my children from the time we could communicate have learned that they do not go with anyone who they have not heard me or their father tell them it is OK to go with, and only on that particular occasion.
*If anyone makes them uncomfortable no matter WHO IT IS. Tell someone they trust like me, or their dad, teacher, or grandparent.
*If someone tries to take them Scream, kick, bite, scratch, push fingers into the eyes,let your body as limp as possible to make you harder to take (when they got older, and heavier), and yell Rape, b/c this gets the most attention quickly, and then start yelling out identifying features. Hair color, clothes, tattoos, scars, sex, anything they see!
* Don't allow anyone to get you to a second location.
*Stay with people don't isolate yourself. If you have to walk to your car alone put your car keys in between your fingers in a grip to use as a weapon on the face, and don't hesitate (not for a minute), and make a wide circle so you can see both sides of the car before you get in check the back seat, unlock only the door you are getting in on, and lock the door as you are closing it...then get settled in.
* ABOVE ALL ELSE KEEP CALM AND THINK!!!!!! FIND SOLUTIONS AROUND YOU ANYTHING IS A RESOURCE!!
I talk often to my kids about this. Almost every other day, and no matter how much I got" I know mom..... I know dad."... they now react without hesitation, or fear in bad situations. It is automatic for them.
So really the best tool IS TALKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS!!!
(Can you tell I am a Cop's kid)
Almost every other day?
I want balance. I want a healthy respect for dangerous situations, but I don't want my kids to live in fear. I don't want my daughters to be terrified of the dark, or of every person they meet.
I think there's a fine line between education and paranoia.
Yeah, actually I agree very much. I was abused. I don't want that to be a part of my children's lives. And that also means I don't want to make it a part of their lives. It's an ongoing conversation, such as sex education. It is one aspect. It is something we talk about at various stages, as they grow. But, I never make it a big aspect of their lives, thoughts, fears, worries. I let them be kids and enjoy life and people.0 -
I read through this thread earlier and wasn't going to offer my opinion, but I think maybe I should.
So far, a lot of what we seem to be talking about is a reference to the idea that women are usually attacked when they're alone, walking in dark alleys at night or unaccompanied in a dangerous part of town. These scenarios do happen. And I do think that learning self-defense and self-awareness is very important, not from a prevention standpoint, but because people really suck sometimes, and I think it's smart to have as many advantages as possible in a bad situation.
BUT self-defense and self-awareness aren't enough. Women aren't just assaulted while they're walking all alone in the dark, or because their skirts are too short, or because they've made themselves "easy targets". They're often assaulted by people they've known for weeks, months, or even years. Many of us have learned to be aware and on guard when we're alone in public, or to stay with our female friends if we're out at a bar or a party. But when it's someone that we've formed some kind of relationship with, we may not be so focused on being defensive, and there seems to be a very large cultural gray area when it's someone you know vs. someone you don't know. Two of my very close friends have been sexually assaulted, and both of them were assaulted by men they knew (one of whom we all thought we knew quite well). Both of my friends experienced an array of emotions about what happened to them, including confusion over how they should feel about what happened, and guilt in thinking they should have done something differently. Neither of their attackers believe they did anything at all wrong. One incident was never reported, and the other was reported to university counselors and officials and nothing was ever done about it. She never pressed charges because the school gave her such a hard time about it, and because he was in a fraternity and a valued athlete. The fraternity brothers that helped her and got her to a safe place also told her that they couldn't give a statement on her behalf because "brothers stick together" or some *kitten* like that.
We need to culturally redefine what sexual assault is and what consent really means so that these large gray areas and normalizations no longer exist.
this mentality is everywhere.0 -
I can avoid raping people and stopping when my SO asks me to.
I can speak up when I feel that someone is blaming the victim.
I can ask my female friends to be safe and aware when out alone or meeting new guys.
This is why I
you. 0 -
"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."
so stupid. ....This is not an issue of men vs women. It's an issue of violence.
it is an issue of socialization, which was my reason for sharing the quote. boys and men have been and are still being socialized to fear rejection by women--that it makes them less of a man. in the extremes, some men would rather perpetrate violence against others to get what they want than take the ego hit that comes with not getting it. the culture we have permits--and, for unbalanced minds, encourages--this thinking error.
are girls socialized that if they don't get what they want, they are so much the less women? i think not.
ed for formatting0 -
They need to bring back the chastity belts
Hahahaha
Care to explain why you found that funny?
Because I have 2 daughters and have thought that very same thing.0 -
"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."
so stupid. ....This is not an issue of men vs women. It's an issue of violence.
it is an issue of socialization, which was my reason for sharing the quote. boys and men have been and are still being socialized to fear rejection by women--that it makes them less of a man. in the extremes, some men would rather perpetrate violence against others to get what they want than take the ego hit that comes with not getting it. the culture we have permits--and, for unbalanced minds, encourages--this thinking error.
are girls socialized that if they don't get what they want, they are so much the less women? i think not.
ed for formatting
I thinking kicking a groomsman out of a wedding is a great example of resetting and reinforcing social expectations. It's not really rocket science.0 -
I read through this thread earlier and wasn't going to offer my opinion, but I think maybe I should.
So far, a lot of what we seem to be talking about is a reference to the idea that women are usually attacked when they're alone, walking in dark alleys at night or unaccompanied in a dangerous part of town. These scenarios do happen. And I do think that learning self-defense and self-awareness is very important, not from a prevention standpoint, but because people really suck sometimes, and I think it's smart to have as many advantages as possible in a bad situation.
BUT self-defense and self-awareness aren't enough. Women aren't just assaulted while they're walking all alone in the dark, or because their skirts are too short, or because they've made themselves "easy targets". They're often assaulted by people they've known for weeks, months, or even years. Many of us have learned to be aware and on guard when we're alone in public, or to stay with our female friends if we're out at a bar or a party. But when it's someone that we've formed some kind of relationship with, we may not be so focused on being defensive, and there seems to be a very large cultural gray area when it's someone you know vs. someone you don't know. Two of my very close friends have been sexually assaulted, and both of them were assaulted by men they knew (one of whom we all thought we knew quite well). Both of my friends experienced an array of emotions about what happened to them, including confusion over how they should feel about what happened, and guilt in thinking they should have done something differently. Neither of their attackers believe they did anything at all wrong. One incident was never reported, and the other was reported to university counselors and officials and nothing was ever done about it. She never pressed charges because the school gave her such a hard time about it, and because he was in a fraternity and a valued athlete. The fraternity brothers that helped her and got her to a safe place also told her that they couldn't give a statement on her behalf because "brothers stick together" or some *kitten* like that.
We need to culturally redefine what sexual assault is and what consent really means so that these large gray areas and normalizations no longer exist.
Well said!0 -
They need to bring back the chastity belts
Hahahaha
Care to explain why you found that funny?
Because I have 2 daughters and have thought that very same thing.
It kind of reinforces the idea that you should be locking up the girls and women instead of teaching the people who would rape not to rape.0 -
They need to bring back the chastity belts
Hahahaha
Care to explain why you found that funny?
Because I have 2 daughters and have thought that very same thing.
It kind of reinforces the idea that you should be locking up the girls and women instead of teaching the people who would rape not to rape.
No, I don't think one has to be exclusive of the other.
I have two young girls, and sometimes, when I think of all the horrors out there, I wish I could hide them away. Not because I'm afraid they'll do something wrong, but to protect them from all the nut jobs.
The chastity belt would keep them out... And sometimes, when I hear what some women and children have endured... It start to look appealing!
I want education and reform and change, but I'm all so not naive to think it's going to happen in time to protect my babies!0 -
I just want to add that I think a really big factor in helping keep girls safe is actually to teach them about sex in a very positive way. Girls should be empowered to make their own choices about sex. Have sex because they want to, when they want to. Sex should feel good, not hurt or be endured. It's ok to say no, if the guy is a good guy he will stick around and respect that she wants to wait. She can say yes, in the future, when she is sure she wants to. It's ok for her to explore pleasure on her own.
I think for both boys and girls a lot of problems come from sexual repression. That is what leads to lack of information, hiding, secrets, dysfunction, lack of communication. It is what leads to sexual problems in adults later.0 -
They need to bring back the chastity belts
Hahahaha
Care to explain why you found that funny?
Because I have 2 daughters and have thought that very same thing.
It kind of reinforces the idea that you should be locking up the girls and women instead of teaching the people who would rape not to rape.
No, I don't think one has to be exclusive of the other.
I have two young girls, and sometimes, when I think of all the horrors out there, I wish I could hide them away. Not because I'm afraid they'll do something wrong, but to protect them from all the nut jobs.
The chastity belt would keep them out... And sometimes, when I hear what some women and children have endured... It start to look appealing!
I want education and reform and change, but I'm all so not naive to think it's going to happen in time to protect my babies!
Chasity belts never prevented rape.0 -
Rape goes far beyond a vagina.They need to bring back the chastity belts
Hahahaha
Care to explain why you found that funny?
Because I have 2 daughters and have thought that very same thing.
It kind of reinforces the idea that you should be locking up the girls and women instead of teaching the people who would rape not to rape.
No, I don't think one has to be exclusive of the other.
I have two young girls, and sometimes, when I think of all the horrors out there, I wish I could hide them away. Not because I'm afraid they'll do something wrong, but to protect them from all the nut jobs.
The chastity belt would keep them out... And sometimes, when I hear what some women and children have endured... It start to look appealing!
I want education and reform and change, but I'm all so not naive to think it's going to happen in time to protect my babies!
Chasity belts never prevented rape.0 -
I can choose not to rape or sexually assault people. That tends to help. You can also help by kicking the everliving **** out of people that do.
*edit for clarity
^^This.
We can teach our little boys and little girls to ASK for what they want and RESPECT when the other person turns them down.
As adults we can do that.0 -
I have two children: a boy, 10 and a girl, soon to be 15. I am an RN who has seen her fair share of the atrocities of violence against BOTH sexes. I have been sexually assaulted and said nothing - oh how I loathe that choice, even years later.
My reason for saying these things is to let you know where my opinions come from: that of a mother, a healthcare professional and a survivor.
1. NO, we will never completely stamp out sexual assault or rape. In a Utopian society, yes - there would be no sexual assault or rape; but we do not live in a Utopian society. We live in a society where some cultures permit rape and blame the victim. We live in a society where social norms are skewed and mental health resources are stretched beyond their limits. It is a fact that men and women, boys and girls, have suffered sexual assault whether it be physical or mental. Saying that we must do all we can to make it ALL go away is not a thought to have - do we need to teach everyone that no one has a right to touch another person without their true and 100% consent - ABSOLUTELY. Is that always going to work? Nope. Therefore we go to #2
2. DEFENSE, DEFENSE, DEFENSE. It doesn't all have to be physical. So many of the thoughts and ideas on this thread are worthy of teaching men and women to protect themselves! Read them, learn them, TEACH them. Be confident in yourself; teach your children how to be their own advocate. Standing up for yourself is key. If that doesn't work - be prepared to shove your fingers in their eyeballs and scream for all your worth. The minute you get in a vehicle..quietly..you're done. And on to #3.
3. Stigma - The stigma of sexual assault is very present and very powerful for women, much less for men. I've seen and even been on the wrong side of opinions before I caught myself and realized judging a man who has been raped is no better than judging a woman. We are all human. We all need support - we all need to know that during times of recovery people will not look down upon them and say "Why didn't you stop it?" "Why did you wear that?" "Why did you have to tell everyone what happened to you? Don't you know people will talk?" Enough already.... I say - LET THEM TALK, let them talk about how it's everyone's job to watch out for others - it's everyone's job to stand up when someone is being abused. It's everyone's job to make sexual assault and rape a CRIME that will not be tolerated. When it does happen - you get a pat on the back and told "now, boys will be boys" or "you should be glad she likes you so much" will NEVER be said again.
The best mode of prevention is communication - just like this thread is doing. The more people talk; the better and safer we all will be.
Be blessed.
>grammar edit<0 -
I have two children: a boy, 10 and a girl, soon to be 15. I am an RN who has seen her fair share of the atrocities of violence against BOTH sexes. I have been sexually assaulted and said nothing - oh how I loathe that choice, even years later.
My reason for saying these things is to let you know where my opinions come from: that of a mother, a healthcare professional and a survivor.
1. NO, we will never completely stamp out sexual assault or rape. In a Utopian society, yes - there would be no sexual assault or rape; but we do not live in a Utopian society. We live in a society where some cultures permit rape and blame the victim. We live in a society where social norms are skewed and mental health resources are stretched beyond their limits. It is a fact that men and women, boys and girls, have suffered sexual assault whether it be physical or mental. Saying that we must do all we can to make it ALL go away is not a thought to have - do we need to teach everyone that no one has a right to touch another person without their true and 100% consent - ABSOLUTELY. Is that always going to work? Nope. Therefore we go to #2
2. DEFENSE, DEFENSE, DEFENSE. It doesn't all have to be physical. So many of the thoughts and ideas on this thread are worthy of teaching men and women to protect themselves! Read them, learn them, TEACH them. Be confident in yourself; teach your children how to be their own advocate. Standing up for yourself is key. If that doesn't work - be prepared to shove your fingers in their eyeballs and scream for all your worth. The minute you get in a vehicle..quietly..you're done. And on to #3.
3. Stigma - The stigma of sexual assault is very present and very powerful for women, much less for men. I've seen and even been on the wrong side of opinions before I caught myself and realized judging a man who has been raped is no better than judging a woman. We are all human. We all need support - we all need to know that during times of recovery people will not look down upon them and say "Why didn't you stop it?" "Why did you wear that?" "Why did you have to tell everyone what happened to you? Don't you know people will talk?" Enough already.... I say - LET THEM TALK, let them talk about how it's everyone's job to watch out for others - it's everyone's job to stand up when someone is being abused. It's everyone's job to make sexual assault and rape a CRIME that will not be tolerated. When it does happen - you get a pat on the back and told "now, boys will be boys" or "you should be glad she likes you so much" will NEVER be said again.
The best mode of prevention is communication - just like this thread is doing. The more people talk; the better and safer we all will be.
Be blessed.
>grammar edit<
Thank you for this!0 -
I can choose not to rape or sexually assault people. That tends to help. You can also help by kicking the everliving **** out of people that do.
*edit for clarity
^^ This is the ONLY thing that will ever stop Sexual Assault.
Step 1: Choose not to do it
Step 2: Kick the **** out of people who do
Step 3: Teach your kids that they shouldn't sexually assault people0 -
Castrate frat boys. 0
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i can be aware (from experience) that the stereotypes are false. it's not always a crazy homeless man in a back alley or barhopping scum with whiskey on his breath. it can be your best friend, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, an acquaintance that everyone swears up and down is a lovely person. it can happen anywhere, at any time, from anyone. i can believe victims before i believe anything a potential rapist and their friends/families/coworkers/pets have to say about them, when false accusations make up about 0.6% of convictions while victim blaming and social stigma make up the major reason why people like me never report what's happened to them.0
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I can choose not to rape or sexually assault people. That tends to help. You can also help by kicking the everliving **** out of people that do.
*edit for clarity
^^ This is the ONLY thing that will ever stop Sexual Assault.
Step 1: Choose not to do it
Step 2: Kick the **** out of people who do
Step 3: Teach your kids that they shouldn't sexually assault people
This!
But while we work on that, until society changes, women still would do well to learn some basic self-defense. Since most rapists are acquaintances, not strangers, and the situations can be ambiguous at first, learn defense techniques that do not rely upon doing permanent damage to your attacker in order to be effective. For this reason I suggest grappling, rather than striking, varieties of martial arts. (eg: Jiu jitsu rather than Karate). Grappling arts also spend more time working on how to get out of someone's grip on you, which is a common element in sexual assaults.
I practice Aikido (a grappling art, though it is actually derived from sword), but it takes a long time to reach a level of proficiency that is effective as self defense, so it might not be a good choice if you need skills quickly.
Fortunately all the arts are great for weight loss and health reasons, aside from their potential utility in the rare event of a violent attack.
A pair of drunk frat boys tried to kick in my door in college, threatening to "make me party" (I had refused to date one to go to said party because I had a math exam the next day.) I didn't have martial arts training at that time but held them off long enough for police to arrive. Police and the university did nothing, but to my surprise their frat kicked them out. Just as an example of how rapes and attempted rapes often originate from people a woman already knows, for men who may doubt this fact.0 -
another thing you can do to prevent sexual assault is not be one of those types who wrings their hands and goes "well, we'll never stop ALL people from raping people so what's the point?" the point is to minimize it as much as possible, by making rape as shameful and life-ruining for the rapist as murder for the murderer, by training our children from the beginning not to laugh at sexual assault, by calling attention to ALL rape victims -- not just the cis and female, but transgender and male victims, POC victims, sex workers who have been raped on the job -- and making it known that they are not at fault for what has happened to them, no matter what their circumstances may be.0
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