Boyfriend's Mom Is Unreasonable. Help?
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Maybe it's you.
Can't be.0 -
If mommy is footing his bills, and mommy is providing food and shelter then like the rules or not, he needs to adhere.
Only a fool would walk away from that for a girl at 19
If he wants the full responsibility of an adult, then the option is to move out.... Not a wise move for him
If you want a boyfriend who has the same freedoms your parents give you, this guy is not him
Dry your tears and move on.... Or if this guy is that important to you and he feels the same, then WAIT. A new concept for younger people in 2014 but it is an available option. Him focusing on school and not dating right now will not hamper his decision making abilities as an adult, and is probably a GOOD thing for him..... So if you care about him, why so upset? Do you not want the best for this guy?
^ THIS. THIS. THIS. THIS. THIS.0 -
Oh I wasn't trying to discredit anything. You suggested I speak to him and I was just explaining that we talked last night. And lol, I dunno what I want you to say or do. The one's saying "run away" I could do without and I greatly appreciate you all's input. But I guess we are all at a loss. I guess if I re-phrased it to "how can I deal with his mom as long as I continue to date him" would be better to ask. At school, she isn't there so it isn't as much of a factor. I'd like to get to know her, I really would. But she's not willing to get to know me and I have no idea why.So what would you like us all to say or do?
You're not telling us the whole story, and no matter what anyone says you're trying to discredit it...
@Deevaa- Probs.0 -
If he doesn't stand up to his mom on going to a theme park that is merely 30 min away with his college girlfriend I'm afraid he will NEVER stand up to her. Yeah he's in quite a predicament having to choose between the woman he loves and well, the woman he loves. I would honestly let it go because there is nothing you can do about his mom, period and so I'd let this be strike one, three strikes and he's out. I'm sorry your dealing with this, the parents of our significant others can often be a hit or miss. This one sounds like a bummer :frown:0
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Me and my fiancee had this exact problem ... yes we were engaged at this point. haha. His mum acted exactly as you've described and he was scared to go against her to. It's really down to him hun you can't really do anything about it, it's not really your place. If you know what i mean I don't mean that in a negative way or anything. With me and my fiancee it eventually got to the point where he had to choose ... thankfully he choose me and yes he got kicked out but he came to live with my me and my parents. Tha'ts still our current situation. ... but to be fair she did try to rule every inch of his life and he feels better now he has some freedom.
I don't know if that helped you but hopefully it reassured you that you don't have to lose him or anything just because his mum disapproves. ^^0 -
Oh you again OP? Just break up.0
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I can kind of understand why he's worried because out of the few "serious" relationships I've been in, this is the first one my family likes. I know it sucks to have to argue with parents. But the difference is that my parents were willing to meet who I was dating versus "no is no and if you decide to go against me then get out."If he doesn't stand up to his mom on going to a theme park that is merely 30 min away with his college girlfriend I'm afraid he will NEVER stand up to her. Yeah he's in quite a predicament having to choose between the woman he loves and well, the woman he loves. I would honestly let it go because there is nothing you can do about his mom, period and so I'd let this be strike one, three strikes and he's out. I'm sorry your dealing with this, the parents of our significant others can often be a hit or miss. This one sounds like a bummer :frown:
@Mitarashi- He's in that situation. He's just worried because he can't pay his way through college.0 -
Nice to see you, too. I was wondering when one of you guys would show up.Oh you again OP? Just break up.0 -
Google "Oedipal complex. "
I've been telling him that but she pays for his tuition. Her mindset is screwed up. I've been saying that at some point she's gonna have to accept it or tolerate it but that won't happen unless we both do something to persuade her to make a decisionYou're adults, act accordingly.
Haha, yes this ^ Unless you have a different perspective on 'accordingly'.0 -
So you feel they aren't allowed to go on dates or see people? I'm not trying to argue, just understand your point of view. I turn 20 this year and well, I feel like experiences should be encouraged as long as you have guidance because in their household it's "mom is always right or you get out." That doesn't make for good decision making, in my opinion. I understand I need to focus on college and I am but I also believe that there needs to be a barrier between school and play for forming relationships aids in that.Here's my honest opinion: I agree with the mom on this one. I believe that until a kid is out of the house, has graduated, found a decent job and makes enough money to take care of themselves and a potential baby (just in case) then they can't a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Right now you need to focus on your education and career. Crying over a boy at this age is not worth it because 10 years from now you might look back and wonder why you ever bothered with him. Because your taste in men would have changed / evolved. And also because right now, it's not easy to tell which boy will turn into a real man and which boy will stay a boy. And you don't wanna be stuck with the wrong one.
No worries, it's good that you came here to ask questions. And to answer your question: No I don't believe in parents who think it's their way, or the highway. Debates / conversations need to happen just like we are having here. Compromises need to be made where the parents / kids win some battles but lose others, ...?
And there's a lot of other experiences that can be encouraged such as traveling, working, starting a small business, socializing with friends, volunteering, ....
But for sexual experiences, I still think that it's best to wait until you are financially independent. And you sound like a smart kid, so it might take you only a couple years. is a couple years going to kill you ? And trust me you will still have plenty of time / opportunities to experience, make mistakes and learn from them. The difference is you will suffer a softet landing as you will have the maturity, independence, and $$$ to fix / deal with the mistakes / consequences however, whenever you want it.
Neither one of them is a prostitute (to my knowledge) so what does financial independence have to do with sex???
OP, your boyfriend has a couple of choices. (A) Listen to his mom and follow her rules. If he does this, you need to move on as it won't end well for you. (B) He has a job, so theoretically, he can move out and stop letting Mommy make his decisions. But that's up to him.
I think it's ridiculous that his mom exerts this type of control over him, but if he's not willing to stand up to her, there is not a thing you can do about it. It's really up to him from here.0 -
I have the kind of the same problem but with my boyfriends dad.
However I am 29, my boyfriend is 33 and we have lived together for 3 years so his opinion on what my fella should/shouldn't be doing means nothing, but only because that's how I have made it.
Sounds harsh but when we got together he still lived at home and if his dad said jump, my OH said how high. No way was I going to be dictated to about my relationship by his dad when my own didn't do it.
So I moved fella into my flat and away from dad. Who btw after 3 years is still a huge pain in the backside and the only reason we argue.
For whatever reason mom won't let go and you have 2 choices wait until be grows up enough to stand up to her or find someone else.0 -
If mommy is footing his bills, and mommy is providing food and shelter then like the rules or not, he needs to adhere.
Only a fool would walk away from that for a girl at 19
If he wants the full responsibility of an adult, then the option is to move out.... Not a wise move for him
If you want a boyfriend who has the same freedoms your parents give you, this guy is not him
Dry your tears and move on.... Or if this guy is that important to you and he feels the same, then WAIT. A new concept for younger people in 2014 but it is an available option. Him focusing on school and not dating right now will not hamper his decision making abilities as an adult, and is probably a GOOD thing for him..... So if you care about him, why so upset? Do you not want the best for this guy?
^ THIS. THIS. THIS. THIS. THIS.
^ What they said. It seems like you have this warped expectation that Mommy and Daddy should foot all the bills and take care of him like they did in high school, but he should have all the freedoms of a financially independent adult because he turned 19. He's not acting like an adult, so he doesn't get all the privileges of an adult.0 -
Congrats on your engagement! And I want to continue to be with him. I just don't know what changed her mind.Some mums are very protective of their kids and the idea of their son being in a relationship and loving another woman is probably frightening to her.
It's a matter of waiting for your boyfriend to feel that it is the time to put his foot down and say "I'm 19, I can have a girlfriend if I want."
You are both not children.
I've been in a similar situation to you before, and it didn't work. I couldn't stand being 18 years old, an adult. and having some woman hate me and interfere with my relationship because I wanted to care for her son too. I never wanted to take him away from her - that would be ridiculous.
Time will help you decide with this situation. It's about how you feel, because his mum may never come round to it, and if he really was bothered by his mum, he would just stand up to her and say that he's old enough to make his own decisions on whether he can have a girlfriend or not. Make sure you don't jeopardise your own happiness for a boy.
I left my unhappy relationship and on my 19th birthday I started seeing someone else. I'm not nearly 21 and I'm engaged to this man. I'm the happiest I've ever been.
Message me if you want to chat!
Thanks!
I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel. Literally tell him straight and see what he says. I don't think you can change his mums mind, but he might be able to talk to her about how he feels.
As long as he is making time for you, and seeing you regularly (as couples do) then it shouldn't matter what his mum thinks. If that changes, then it won't work.0 -
Uhhmmm...right there is a misstep in your argument. You cannot ever change someone else's behavior. That is only for them to do. You cannot make your boyfriend push against his Mom if he respects and abides by her rules at this time. You cannot make her see your side of the issue or change her mind about the trip.
So that leaves several behaviors that only you can control....yours!! Accept her rules and keep the relationship on her terms or decide what behaviors you will tolerate from a potential partner and choose to end it with the son since he is not doing what you want.
Your behavior, your decide! Best of luck!0 -
*sigh*
Oh I wasn't trying to discredit anything. You suggested I speak to him and I was just explaining that we talked last night. And lol, I dunno what I want you to say or do. The one's saying "run away" I could do without and I greatly appreciate you all's input. But I guess we are all at a loss. I guess if I re-phrased it to "how can I deal with his mom as long as I continue to date him" would be better to ask. At school, she isn't there so it isn't as much of a factor. I'd like to get to know her, I really would. But she's not willing to get to know me and I have no idea why.So what would you like us all to say or do?
You're not telling us the whole story, and no matter what anyone says you're trying to discredit it...
@Deevaa- Probs.
I guess it's true trial and error are the only way to learn for some people. As I said, been there and done that. You're either goiing to split up (he will dump you because Mommy told him to) or you will stay together and and she will make your lives miserable. It's really your choice.
At 19, kids are testing the world and asserting independence. It's normal. Good parents let them do so. Controlling people don't just stop being controlling.
Anyway, since my experienced advice isn't welcome, good luck.0 -
So you feel they aren't allowed to go on dates or see people? I'm not trying to argue, just understand your point of view. I turn 20 this year and well, I feel like experiences should be encouraged as long as you have guidance because in their household it's "mom is always right or you get out." That doesn't make for good decision making, in my opinion. I understand I need to focus on college and I am but I also believe that there needs to be a barrier between school and play for forming relationships aids in that.Here's my honest opinion: I agree with the mom on this one. I believe that until a kid is out of the house, has graduated, found a decent job and makes enough money to take care of themselves and a potential baby (just in case) then they can't a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Right now you need to focus on your education and career. Crying over a boy at this age is not worth it because 10 years from now you might look back and wonder why you ever bothered with him. Because your taste in men would have changed / evolved. And also because right now, it's not easy to tell which boy will turn into a real man and which boy will stay a boy. And you don't wanna be stuck with the wrong one.
No worries, it's good that you came here to ask questions. And to answer your question: No I don't believe in parents who think it's their way, or the highway. Debates / conversations need to happen just like we are having here. Compromises need to be made where the parents / kids win some battles but lose others, ...?
And there's a lot of other experiences that can be encouraged such as traveling, working, starting a small business, socializing with friends, volunteering, ....
But for sexual experiences, I still think that it's best to wait until you are financially independent. And you sound like a smart kid, so it might take you only a couple years. is a couple years going to kill you ? And trust me you will still have plenty of time / opportunities to experience, make mistakes and learn from them. The difference is you will suffer a softet landing as you will have the maturity, independence, and $$$ to fix / deal with the mistakes / consequences however, whenever you want it.
Neither one of them is a prostitute (to my knowledge) so what does financial independence have to do with sex???
OP, your boyfriend has a couple of choices. (A) Listen to his mom and follow her rules. If he does this, you need to move on as it won't end well for you. (B) He has a job, so theoretically, he can move out and stop letting Mommy make his decisions. But that's up to him.
I think it's ridiculous that his mom exerts this type of control over him, but if he's not willing to stand up to her, there is not a thing you can do about it. It's really up to him from here.
I think the whole thing about you can't have sex before you are financially independent is because of unplanned pregnancy. I am guessing where they come from there is no such thing as birth control or safe sex!!0 -
This is the third post I can remember you making about the young men you are dating, so I am certain there have been more I have missed.
In the first you were trying to choose between a boyfriend going to the navy and a premed student, the second was much like this post -- talking about an overprotective mother. I am going to give you the same advise you got in those threads. You are 19 years old. Stop fixating your attention on one person. Very rarely is 19 the right time in like to find your life long partner. You will go though an immense amount of changes in the next 5-7-10 years.
Go out. Date,0 -
His dad isn't around, just wanted to clear that up and he got a scholarship to a boarding school in high school, haha.^ What they said. It seems like you have this warped expectation that Mommy and Daddy should foot all the bills and take care of him like they did in high school, but he should have all the freedoms of a financially independent adult because he turned 19. He's not acting like an adult, so he doesn't get all the privileges of an adult.
The job he has in only a summer job in the city he stays in and our college is 4 hours away from that so he can't exactly get his own apartment yet. I'm not trying to defend, just explain. I'm not financially independent but I have freedom. that's the difference I don't think I understand but all households are different. I'm happy with the guy and i don't want to break up because of his mom (he plans on moving out his junior year), just want to learn how to tolerate her until she tolerates me.
**Yes, I know my perspective changed. But you all brought up good points that I can't change her so I have to change myself. So thank you for that**0 -
Neither one of them is a prostitute (to my knowledge) so what does financial independence have to do with sex???
If you have a follow up response on babies, just type it already....don't keep the popcorn eaters in suspense !0 -
I welcome your advice. I just thought you'd have to like your mom to have a complex like that. But I still don't think he has one, haha. I do greatly appreciate your advice though so thank you (:*sigh*
I guess it's true trial and error are the only way to learn for some people. As I said, been there and done that. You're either goiing to split up (he will dump you because Mommy told him to) or you will stay together and and she will make your lives miserable. It's really your choice.
At 19, kids are testing the world and asserting independence. It's normal. Good parents let them do so. Controlling people don't just stop being controlling.
Anyway, since my experienced advice isn't welcome, good luck.
@Itsfun- I've not posted anything else. Thanks for your input.0
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