An open letter...
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Dear Bossman.
Have you not noticed we sit here in the office with shirts, sweaters and jackets on while practically sitting on our space heaters? wth? Your millions cannot afford your freezing staff some heat?! bstrd,
Dear BM:
I realize you are homeless by choice and that you don't give a rat's *kitten* about your kids, but WHY do you insist that they spend time with you on Thanksgiving, robbing them of a normal Thanksgiving? These kids absolutely need to learn what's normal. Sitting in a freezing *kitten* car on Thanksgiving with nothing to eat is not normal- they are going to resent missing out on your mom's family thanksgiving. We agreed it wasyour turn this year, fine- Why cant you let them be with your family?? I understand you hate your family now too, but the kids shouldnt suffer because of your psychotic issues. How sad that you think you are sticking it to your ex and myself, but guess what? You are only disgusting your kids, by chasing a homeless worthless boyfriend.
- your daughters stepmother
Dear Mother Nature:
Please stop with the icy cold. I know I know...November, winter. I get it.
Dear BFF:
Please please please be available via phone for my walk...time flies hella fast when chatting.
Dear Goochi,
uh yeah, you ARE walking today and you are working out tonight. I don't care how cold it is. You can do this with ease, so stop whining and just go out and do it. I don't care if youre already cold. Wth? You think this *kitten* is going to come off easy? Get over it. Not to mention, yes, you will be working out on Thanksgiving and the day after- Don't be a lameass.0 -
Dear Co-Worker who filled the kitchen sink with water yesterday, but didn't do the dishes,
C'mon... if you have the time to fill the sink, I am pretty sure that you have time to wash the 7 dishes that were in it rather than leave it for me to deal with this morning. Might I suggest that next time you spend a little less time gossiping to your friends on the phone and then you would have a few extra minutes to wash those 7 dishes that you left for me... in a sink full of cold, dirty dish water... UGH!
Sincerely,
The extremely annoyed girl who sits beside you.0 -
Dear Mr. Man on the treadmill next to me this morning,
1. It was 1am when you got there...there was a whole room full of equipment for you to choose from, you didn't have to pick the machine next to me.
2. I know I have a big butt. OK a really big butt. It has been following me for 37 years. I don't need to hear you mumbling: "mmmm I like watching dat booty roll around now a'ight!" Seriously? If you were *trying* to pick me up (if I were single), you just totally blew it.
Sincerely,
Bootylicious Babe who was laughing at you
:laugh: I love when guys "try" to hit on girls like that. Does that *kitten* ever work?!0 -
bump0
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dear dad
thanks for calling me to tell me you weren't coming until tomorrow. I'm sure you're relieved as well since mom would be a nervous wreck on the road, and she wouldn't even be the one driving. it will be nice having one more evening of peace & quiet before the children in my house increase from 2 to 4 due to yours & mom's presence. I love you both dearly, but there are times that I feel like I became the parent WAY too soon. oh, and please try to pick up after yourselves this time around. you've gotten better, but it would be nice to have things the way they were when you arrived after you leave. also, can you try to take a hint as to how nice our house looks when you get there and try to do the same for us when we come visit you? there are times I feel more dirty after taking a shower at your house than I did before...
sincerely
daughter who much prefers you visit me than for me to visit you
That's how I feel at my SIL...unfortunetly her and her family destroys my house when they come...and they're staying for 4 days at Christmas...but I refuse to go to their disease infested house, so what can ya do?0 -
Dear neighbor who thinks their mother lives in the building...
she doesn't. Is it really so hard to get the junk mail out of your mail box and take the 2 steps, or long arm stretch over to the garbage can and drop it in there yourself? It's no one else's job to clean up after you. And while we're at it, that garbage can is there for the junk mail and comings and goings refuse. Not as your personal garbage can because you're too lazy to step outside and walk ten steps to the dumpster like everyone else. Please stop, you're stinking up the building.
Love
your neighbor, not your cleaning lady.0 -
Thanks for the laugh. Gotta print that..0
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Dear Dog,
Yes, you are the cutest dog on the planet, but it does not mean I have to freeze my butt off while you sniff everything up and down the street while trying to find a good spot to take care of your "business". Please, in the future, choose quickly so that I can get to work on time. There will be an extra treat in your bowl if you do!! Regards
Your obedient Servant
Oh man I know what you mean. Both of my dogs do this, and lately one of them has been starting to want out around 3-4am....in Canada...0 -
Dear Cat number 1
Why do you have to sleep on the bath mat? Wet or dry you stretch out and look so comfy that i don't want to move you. However when its time for me to have a bath you cannot cry and moan at me. You can have it the other 23 hours of the day,i swear.
Love
the one you moaned at when a drip landed on your head
Dear Cat number 2
Thankyou for not sleeping on the mat. But the stairs? Really? It is not my fault when i step on you. You're the one that can see in the dark...move.
Also, why do you insist on ripping the lid off the fish food and scattering it all over the carpet to eat? Surely you should be trying to eat the fish!
Love
the one that feeds you cat food0 -
Dear guy driving on the shoulder of the road as I am running down it,
First the white lines on the road are the one you need to stay between - you do not cross them and you do not drive on the shoulder coming straight at a pedestrian jogging. Second, I had on running shorts, a hoodie, earphones and RUNNING SHOES - that should be a giant clue that yeah I am out for a jog and NO I do not need a ride and NO I am not lost. Please don't stop me again or I will get your license plate and call the police.
Sincerely,
Leave me alone when I am out jogging
That happened to me yesterday. It gave me such a scare that I could keep up with a bulky runner who was passing by for a few minutes.0 -
Dear VP of Sales,
I
your crazy Austrailian *kitten*. Yes I had coordinated the green on purpose (gloves & Scarf) no, I did not chose the green paper on purpose that was totally coincidental and I SO did NOT have anything green in my teeth. Yes I checked. Thank you for noticing my hard work both in the office and at the gym. Thanks for the compliment (skinny! ha!) and our chat about fitness and working out was pretty awesome. Thanks for caring and being down to earth. Hope you find a good way to work out those bum knees. I'm telling you the gym is great. :bigsmile:
You're my favorite, Skipper!0 -
I swear my son had the same teachers for kindergarten and second grade! If only we could take her to third with us next year :sad:Dear Kindergarten Teacher:
My child is not dishonest. Don't characterize him as such. He is a 5 year old boy who isn't going to tell you the entire story if he thinks he's going to get in trouble. So when he tells you that Bobby hit him, he's not going to volunteer that he pinched Bobby back. That doesn't make him dishonest, it makes him 5 and you should know that after claiming to teach kindergarten for 20 years. Also, it was obvious that you don't like the fact that I'm a working mother given that when it came up you looked like you just sucked on a salted lemon and then said "oooohhhh" like it explained your belief that my son is lacking in some way, but that doesn't mean I'm any less of a mother than those who are at home so you can keep your effing opinion to yourself.
Love, "That Mother"
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Dear 2nd Grade Teacher:
I love you, my son loves you. Thank you for supporting my son even though he can be the devil at times and has the talent to blow your lesson plan out of the water with his antics. I so appreciate you giving him the extra assignments to make sure he continues to be challenged and engaged in the classroom and not such a disruption. I know he doesn't know it all, he just thinks he does. Your hard work is noticed and appreciated.
Love, Your biggest fan
P.S. Can you teach Kindergarten?
This frustrates me to no end! I bet these are the same idiots that take contagious children to other peoples houses but complain when their child catches something from someone else.Dear Sick Guy,
Thanx for coming into work today, hacking all over my desk as you walk in. Telling me how sick you are, and how the tylenol isn't working. Thank-you for risking my health, and the health of everyone else in the office. I am a single mom, who really tries to take care of her health so I don't get sick...I haven't had a communicable disease in years! Because I'm sanitary. But because you couldn't stay at home in bed (why i'm not sure, I do everything for you), I run the risk of being bed ridden. That means that supper isn't cooked, money isn't being made, homework isn't being done, and games aren't being played with my son, because I can't get out of bed. In the future could you please stay home if you're that sick? I can hear you sniffling and coughing in your office...you sound like a coke junkie...it's obvious that you need to call in sick...you get paid for it doofus! And it's almost the end of the fiscal year which means that your one sick day will get stricken from the record and you start all over...with all your sick days, all your flex days and all your holidays....so take a day to yourself, dope yourself up on dimetapp and leave your germs where they belong, on your body, not mine...
Sincerely
your assistant
edited for spelling0 -
Dear Woman At The Gym Who Wears Light Grey Leggings and Does Deep Stretches,
Can you please either A) wear underwear or
wear a shirt longer than your butt? No one needs or wants to see all of your lady business that's going on, especially when you're sweating. That's just gross.
Signed,
Nauseous
Dear Woman at the Gym Who Wears Light Grey Leggings and Does Deep Stretches.....and her hubby the underpantsless guy
Please wear some sort of supportive undergarment. When you wear thin cotton shorts and have ...shall we call them "issues" after you get off each machine it is a bit distrubing and distracting to others. I don't need to know what religion you practice through your shorts.
Signed the lady stuck on the rowing machine while you were doing all kinds of Ab exercises etc on the bench right in front of the rowing maching
:laugh: We should introduce them!0 -
Dear friend who shall remain nameless,
You completely made my day telling me how good I looked. :blushing: Some days I can't even hardly look in the mirror but today was not one of those days thanks to you. I love you much more than you may ever know. I only hope I give to you as much as you give to me.
Love,
your biggest fan in the world and hopefully your closest friend
Dear sweet son,
I know you are not feeling well. Could you possibly try to get closer to the bathroom next time before you throw up all the way down the carpeted hallway? :frown: That's no fun stepping in throw up on my frantic way to help you out. I love you little guy and hope the throwing up is over with for tonight.
love,
mommy...now let me go wash my feet off gross
Dear neighbors,
I did not know you well, but I couldn't be happier that you moved out today. I'm sorry I called you idiots one day...I was upset. I just hope that someone good takes your place across the hall or I might have to call them idiots too. :laugh: At least now I don't have to watch your son waddle down the sidewalk like some freaky person in those skinny jeans anymore...even though that was always hilarious! Good luck whereever you now reside!
yours truly,
the one who called you idiots
Dear me,
I wish you'd stop for a minute and truly appreciate yourself for once. I know it's new territory for us but it's something we got to do. Believe the people when they tell you things you needed to hear. Believe in yourself a little. You rebelling is really starting to keep me up at night and trust me I need the sleep. So don't make me have to kick your booty, you know I will. P90X doubles...remember those days, don't make me go there again girl. We are sooo worth this!
Love,
the other half of you0 -
Dear children
Please let your dad have five minutes too his self & stop clinging to him.0 -
Dear Father n Law Step Mother N Law,
While yes i know that we moved 3.5 hours away and you miss the grandchildren but if you arent going to rearrange some of your schedule after *****ing at me to rearrange mine while i was down this weekend yoru not going to see them . Aside from you i have my parents, grandparents, my husbands mother, and lots of friends i like to meet up with and see and it is hard enough to make time for everyone expecially if i rearrange things twice just for you to call and say you arent going to be able to make it at that time.,!!! And please while your at it hear this YES of COURSE i put my family before you guys because they put an effort into seeing us too. We couldnt afford to come down they came up . We had birthday parties(even when we lived only 15 mins away ) and you couldnt make it for whatever reason ! I am soo SICK of listening to your obsessent *****ing and crying and gossiping about how i think that i better than e veryone just cause my parents have money !!!!yeah they have money because they worked there *kitten* off most times 7 days a week for years so we could as a family live comfortably !!! So thank you for noticing but no they dont pay the morgage on our house my husband and myself work our *kitten* off too so maybe one day our kids can live as comfortably as we want them to !!!!!! And if you call/text/im/or update status to me about missing the grandchildren so bad you cry yourself to sleep i am going to drive down without the kids and punch you you freaking face.!!! i did what i could you just had "better" things to do i guess.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Oh and one more thing Father N Law if you send my husband one more f****** naked pic of various women i will block your number from our phonelines and well will not talk to you nemore... For you saying im your favorite daughter n law i deserve more f in respect than that !!!!
Love,
Your Daughter in Law who liked you more when you hated me for making your son/stepson fall head overheels for a single mother of one...!!!!
wow i feel better now ohh oneday i may say it to their faces0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: OMG DO IT!!!
They don't have a change counting machine?
Apparently it had jammed yesterday which sucks, I hate when technology fails and I was thoroughly sympathetic but it could have been done without the comments about broke people.
Go back today with $50 worth of pennies and tell them to kiss your *kitten*.
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OMG I REALLY LOL!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:Dear Wonderful Husband,
You're the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I love more than all the stars in thy sky. You couldnt make me any happier. You're absolutely PERFECT for me. But.. If you don't stop SNORING in my ear like a jet engine at night, I'm gonna choke you out in the middle of the night! And hey.. you gotta share those covers, yes I do get cold too.. And... You can't sleep in the middle of the bed... I need some room too, and i'm FAT! I need more than three inches.. I enjoy being close to you and cuddling with you, but holding on for dear life so I dont' fall off the bed, yeah.. NOT ENJOYABLE!!!
Love you always,
You're Loving Caring Almost Murderous Wife!
PS Did I tell you how much I love you!?0 -
Dear Customer In A Grocery Store
For real? You need to be THAT loud on the phone? I don't need to hear about your life 2 rows over from where you are & I would also appreciate if you would not stop your cart in the middle of the aisle to chat.
To Parents With Children In A Grocery Store
This is a grocery store, not a daycare center or race track. I would appreciate it if you would keep an eye (& a hand) on your kids while shopping. They might not fit in the area that the grocery cart has for small kids, but does everyone's day have to be ruined as they race around the grocery store bumping into other customers or pulling things off shelves.
A Phone-Free/Kid-Free Customer0
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