Mixed emotions. My man spoke to me about my weight.

thavoice

When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."

Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?
So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?

Sugar Ray Leonard boxed at that height and weight for years. His contemporary, Thomas Hearns, boxed in the same weight class while being taller. I suspect both were perfectly capable of opening pickle jars and doing "manly stuff" (whatever that means) while they were at fighting weight.

Why is the attempt to body shame thinner folks any different/better than the attempt to body shame heavier ones?

My husband is slim and relatively muscular, along these lines. I assure you that he can open pickle jars, play with our kids, run for miles, lift heavy things, etc.

I don't appreciate shaming of either fat or thin people.

Wah.

LoneWolf_70

women want honesty....unless its the truth.

anissa333

Is it coming from love? My...boyfriend is not quite the right word, is a former professional wrestler and he is not in the shape he used to be. His brother is a wrestler now, a very famous one. I know he looks at him with envy, but I think its more about being healthy than to look at what use to be....I tell him all the time, its time to get healthy and feel better about you. I am in no way am doing it to criticize..I do it to motivate.....

I hope that is where your bf is coming from!!

gym_king_carlie

I think it takes a lot to be honest, , my ex (feels weird to say it ugh...still fresh) she told me I looked like I had gained a few lbs and looked bigger, she didn't mean any malice, but I was trim when I met her and she acknowledged my gain, I think if a partner is honest constructively than they respect you enough to be honest about it.

one of my other ex's constantly called me fat and un attractive before I started any fitness or gym activities, she was constantly on my back and when she left me, I sunk into a deeper depression before I had enough of been 330+lbs, I don't thank her for it, in that scenario, I don't think comments like that help at all.

hope it makes sense what I am trying to say haha

fatbegone85

women want honesty....unless its the truth.

So incredibly true. We women are fickle characters. I remember telling my to say something to motivate me to eat healthy when I was craving sweets. He said to me: "Lose weight so I can swing you around like they do in the movies". I was so incredibly angry with him! Why, though? I asked for it!

eddiesmith1

When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."

Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?
So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?

A side note for you I have a good friend who trains Navy Seals how to fight. He's about this weight and routinely takes down very large very tough guys while teaching them . He's 54 years old and still does this (and runs a Dojo the rest of the year) Size can be deceptive in both directions.

LoneWolf_70

Is it coming from love? My...boyfriend is not quite the right word, is a former professional wrestler and he is not in the shape he used to be. His brother is a wrestler now, a very famous one. I know he looks at him with envy, but I think its more about being healthy than to look at what use to be....I tell him all the time, its time to get healthy and feel better about you. I am in no way am doing it to criticize..I do it to motivate.....

I hope that is where your bf is coming from!!

hmmm, now i have to investigate. Are you dating Jeff Hardy?

DebbieLyn63

women want honesty....unless its the truth.

So incredibly true. We women are fickle characters. I remember telling my to say something to motivate me to eat healthy when I was craving sweets. He said to me: "Lose weight so I can swing you around like they do in the movies". I was so incredibly angry with him! Why, though? I asked for it!

Awww. I had the cutest mental picture of a man swinging around his wife. I would love it if I could get to the weight where I would be comfortable with my hubby swinging me around. Or picking me up! I mean, I know he could pick me up if he needed to, but it wouldn't look very cute.:noway:

pg1946

It is really hard to hear it out loud, even if advice is given with the best of intentions. I know that I am fat, I don't have to have it pointed out to me. I do much better with other forms of support, like not critiquing the green vegetables I eat, etc.

maidentl

I hope he is a former BF.

Why? If your partner is supposed to be your best friend, shouldn't he/she be able to talk to you about your health? Providing that it was said with kindness and good intention, I don't see a problem.

Well, since she was 108 and he still thought she was fat I really don't see any way that could be loving.

That wasn't the OP. That was another poster and I wasn't referring to that post.

But the person you responded to was. Your comment might have been intended for the OP but you quoted someone who was addressing someone else. No biggie, it happens.

kimberlyblindsey

I'll probably catch crap for this but I'll be blunt. For me I'd say there's an acceptable range of weight fluctuation that you just overlook. The range is probably different for everyone so I can't even say what it is. If it goes past that I'd say it's fine to have a talk. Drastic weight gains can change more about a person than looks. There are not only health concerns but lifestyle issues at play. If I marry a relatively active relatively fit woman then she gains 100lbs to and becomes lethargic that's an issue that needs to be discussed. It's basically a major life change along the lines of quiting a job, having kids, wanting to move, etc. Why wouldn't you discuss it?

^this????
I think that also accountability comes into play here somewhere. People know when their clothes get too tight or they're buying a new wardrobe ever year for five years running that something isn't quite right, but are burying their head in the sand by not addressing it, and of course there's usually a reason why someone packs on the pounds, any number of things, but that has to be dealt with first, I think.
Don't get me wrong I think it's fabulous to be supportive, but the person has to want to do it for their own well being and self worth, otherwise it will undoubtedly fail, IMHO.

aarnwine2013

I wish my husband had told me. I asked him why he didn't and he said he loved me and didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I think we should be honest with each other. You can do that in a respectful manner. If my husband gained weight, I would tell him. It wouldn't change how I felt about him because I'd love him regardless of his weight.

I think sometimes it takes the truth to actually push some of us into action. Pictures did it for me.

OP you have to want to or it won't be successful.

MeadowSong

Hard but good. You need him to be honest with you--who else better to help you watch your back? Even if you are struggling with anger, thank him and be honest right back with him about how hard it is for you to hear but make sure that you are willing to hear it anyway. If the two of you can feel safe with each other with the really hard stuff--wow, that is SO worth it. I'm sure he knows that it is hard for you, but he may not know how hard--these things are not generally as difficult for men. So very awesome that you have a man that cares enough to go ahead and get in there. Some folks don't have anyone they can truly trust to be honest--some folks just will NOT say hard things, and some just don't care. I want truth, not just what I want to hear--and I want someone to care.

And I bet he will be honest with you about your successes also! And how much sweeter that will be when you KNOW he's not just saying thing that he thinks you want to hear but is telling you what he knows to be true!

kimberlyblindsey

I'm kind of in the same boat, except in the opposite way. My boyfriend doesn't want me to lose weight. I am not overweight, but I would like to slim down a little to up my self-esteem. But every time I talk about what I've eaten today, or how many calories I burned while exercising, he gets upset. He says it hurts his feelings because he thinks I am beautiful the way I am and that I'm pretty much ignoring what he says by dieting. He said it also hurts his feelings because I talk about how I need to lose weight when I don't, and he knows he needs to lose weight. He says, "If you aren't happy with yourself the way you are, then how can you possibly find me attractive the way I am?" He is on the bigger side, but he has been the whole time I've been with him and I love him nonetheless. I do wish he would lose some weight just to help his health, but I don't want to mention it. I know in time he will do it on his own. As far as my weight loss goes, I try to just keep it a "secret" from him - I just don't discuss exercising or trying to eat smaller portions, etc. I do feel bad for thinking that yes, he does need to lose weight because I love him and find him attractive the way he is, but I just want him to get healthy so we can live long, happy, healthy lives together.

He sounds a tad insecure, and a little manipulative. Why you ask, bc my EX didn't want me to really WO(he had packed on about 50 lb) so I would sneak out of the house early in the a.m. and run then get back in bed as if nothing happened. Very disturbing looking back at that, but I allowed it, so I can't play the victim.

DamePiglet

Was he gay? I dated a guy who said something like that to me after I confessed that I was trying to lose my extra weight. "You can look like me". He was very very skinny. I just laughed at him. There was no date after that. :-p

Wow! What does his sexual orientation have to do with anything?

This thread... "skinny" shaming and... well, i'm not too sure what's going on here. :noway:

OP: Good luck. Just make sure that you love yourself no matter what.

ErisDyscordia

how things are said and whether they're said out of love can make a huge difference. what my husband said to me about my weight was that he was scared for me, and wanted me to be around for as long as possible.

Definitely this. Looks are a big part of attraction, and attraction is an important part of a relationship. If i did something that makes my SO less attracted to me (gain weight, lose too much weight, drastically change my lifestyle, etc...), I would want to know. While I don't think an SO should dictate these things, I think they are still important to discuss. We can't help what we are attracted to. I am NOT attracted to overweight guys, I don't judge them or have anything against them, it just isn't what I find attractive (same with the body builder types!), and that is such an important part of a relationship.

If my SO wanted me to lose some weight (as long as he was supportive, non-judgmental, and realistic about how much), I would really want him to tell me.

anissa333

lol..no i will just say he is a member of a very large and famous wrestling family.

DR2501

She asked if he was gay because he wanted her to look like a skinny man, no homophobia intended I don't think.

StaciMarie1974

This can be such a touchy subject - but try to consider his point of view. If he was thinking of your health and wellbeing, give him credit for that!

DebbieLyn63

When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."

Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?
So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?

Sugar Ray Leonard boxed at that height and weight for years. His contemporary, Thomas Hearns, boxed in the same weight class while being taller. I suspect both were perfectly capable of opening pickle jars and doing "manly stuff" (whatever that means) while they were at fighting weight.

Why is the attempt to body shame thinner folks any different/better than the attempt to body shame heavier ones?

I was curious about SRL, so I googled his height/weight and it actually showed that he was 10 pounds lighter, only weighed 137.
I was shocked to find that is a BMI of 19.7. Perfectly healthy weight range. I guess I am just so used to seeing men much heavier than that at that height. Very eye-opening.

Sorry to jump on the derailment.

As for the OP, it sounds like your SO voiced his concerns in a loving way. There really isn't an easy way for a man to discuss his lady's weight without some hurt feelings or embarrassment.