Mixed emotions. My man spoke to me about my weight.
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The bottom line is not what he SAYS, but what he DOES. Sometimes men don't know how to communicate in anything other than black and white. But if he is truly supportive of you, he will make healthy lifestyle changes with you and encourage you in a positive way.0
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Oh, ouch! I had a former male friend who never said a word about my weight, just kept talking and talking and talking... about all the women MY AGE at his gym who were in Fantastic shape. I told him he should ask one of them out. He didn't take the hint. I was not interested in him to begin with and after that, I was never going to be. We are no longer friends. I was about 15 pounds overweight at the time, 5'2", size 6/78 or small/medium depending on the brand -- really nothing to complain about.
It was pretty rude considering he was 60 pounds overweight himself and thought nothing of eating a whole pizza for dinner. He did eventually lose the weight, but there wasn't any point picking on me, I was hardly a bad influence. The other way 'round I'd say.
I can go one better. I dated a guy who lost 70 pounds while we were dating. He kept arguing with me about my diet progress--he thought a half-pound-a-week loss was failure. (I am 5'0". That's a pretty good rate.)
But when I got close to my goal of 125, he started telling me that I should aim for 105. I said, I haven't weighed 105 since I was 16! You have got to be kidding. I look fantastic at 132, thank you very much. (Working to get back to that now.) Anyway, his reasoning was that his daughter was 5'4" tall and weighed 114 lbs. Um, yeah. Your daughter, I said, is 23 years old, a tri-athlete, and the apple of your eye---three things I will never be.0 -
I agree so much with your statement ... honesty in a relationship is the only way things work. Take this time to start eating healthy and encourage him to do it with you. Have a healthy dinner and enjoy a nice long walk after dinner together. Not only will you feel better but you will be able to enjoy some quality time with your husband .
Do take it personal, just time to make small changes that will make you feel better and help you live longer....0 -
I'm sure he only said something because he cares about you. Use that to help drive yourself. Yeah people say "do it for yourself, not anyone else" which is true to an extent. I'm doing this for myself and because I want to be confident again, but at the same time I want my man to be proud of the way I look. And I want to be healthy for him and to be around for him for the rest of our lives.0
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What if he was really thinking the first but said the second?I guess it really depends on delivery. If he said something along the lines of "babe you're getting fat and I don't find that attractive" I'd be very hurt and upset. If he said something like "babe I've noticed that you haven't been as happy and active as usual and I'm becoming concerned" then no real reason to be upset.
I get that there's no need to go out of your to hurt someone, but burying your own feelings to avoid doing so isn't necessarily the pathway to happiness, either. Some things are going to hurt your feelings.0 -
It's not always about meaning to hurt or insult, sometimes it's just because you love the person and want to see them happy and healthy. We all know the truth, no one overweight is really happy about it or comfortable in their skin no matter what they say to themselves. So, use it to motivate you to get in shape and be the person you know you can be.
This fits my experience perfectly. I was dating a guy who preferred larger women, and when we first got together I was anything but. Over three years I gained and gained and gained with plenty of encouragement from him.
I got to a point where my knees hurt, my blood work showed some issues and I honestly didn't know who that person in the mirror was.
A co-worker decided enough was enough and one day came into my office, put her arm around my shoulder and whispered into my ear: "Judy, I love you but you're too fat." English is her second language and this was the only way she knew how to express her concern.
Total wake up call. Started losing weight, ditched the now unhappy boyfriend and never looked back. Sometimes you just need to hear the truth.....one way or another. I was lucky. My co-worker told it like she saw it. The good thing about this is when she says I look great, I can believe her.
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I can relate somewhat to this as well. I had a boyfriend who constantly made me feel like I shouldn't do anything to improve how I looked. At the time, I felt he was incredibly loving because even if I looked like crap, he always made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the room. But looking back, I do think it was somewhat manipulative of him to do things that would sabotage my -ok they were feeble back then - attempts to look and feel better about my body. I soon lost track of what I considered healthy or sexy for me because he really did seem to appreciate me in all sizes. But anyway, it seems like I blame him, which I don't. I take full responsibility for everything I didn't do to keep myself in shape back then.
He sounds a tad insecure, and a little manipulative. Why you ask, bc my EX didn't want me to really WO(he had packed on about 50 lb) so I would sneak out of the house early in the a.m. and run then get back in bed as if nothing happened. Very disturbing looking back at that, but I allowed it, so I can't play the victim.I'm kind of in the same boat, except in the opposite way. My boyfriend doesn't want me to lose weight. I am not overweight, but I would like to slim down a little to up my self-esteem. But every time I talk about what I've eaten today, or how many calories I burned while exercising, he gets upset. He says it hurts his feelings because he thinks I am beautiful the way I am and that I'm pretty much ignoring what he says by dieting. He said it also hurts his feelings because I talk about how I need to lose weight when I don't, and he knows he needs to lose weight. He says, "If you aren't happy with yourself the way you are, then how can you possibly find me attractive the way I am?" He is on the bigger side, but he has been the whole time I've been with him and I love him nonetheless. I do wish he would lose some weight just to help his health, but I don't want to mention it. I know in time he will do it on his own. As far as my weight loss goes, I try to just keep it a "secret" from him - I just don't discuss exercising or trying to eat smaller portions, etc. I do feel bad for thinking that yes, he does need to lose weight because I love him and find him attractive the way he is, but I just want him to get healthy so we can live long, happy, healthy lives together.
But before I get completely off track, my point is he would also say that if I felt I needed to lose weight, then I couldn't be attracted to him (he's 6'6" and had a bit of extra weight) and I'd end up feeling guilty for doing something that somehow made him doubt my love for him. Now that the relationship ended, I can clearly see that should be classified as manipulative behavior.
But here's the thing, we remain friends and the other day I mentioned my progress and that I was getting back in shape, and I was kinda surprised when told me again how he really never thought I was out of shape to being with, but he was sorry if he contributed to make me feel unhealthy. So... maybe he wasn't being manipulative after all? I don't know, perhaps there are some guys who really don't mind the weight gain and just feel insecure when the girl is trying to look better and take that as a sign that she's about to dump them? I don't know. I guess men are complicated creatures.0 -
Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?
Best response ever!!!!!!!
^^ I second that!^^ LMBO!!!0 -
If you not have anything nice to say to a person then Shut the Hell up!0
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It's not just men. My wife literally laughed out loud when I showed her pictures of the kind of body I'm going for after I lose the weight and am able to bulk.But here's the thing, we remain friends and the other day I mentioned my progress and that I was getting back in shape, and I was kinda surprised when told me again how he really never thought I was out of shape to being with, but he was sorry if he contributed to make me feel unhealthy. So... maybe he wasn't being manipulative after all? I don't know, perhaps there are some guys who really don't mind the weight gain and just feel insecure when the girl is trying to look better and take that as a sign that she's about to dump them? I don't know. I guess men are complicated creatures.
Later, she said she was just shocked because she couldn't imagine being married to someone who had a body like that.0 -
Well, my six year old daughter would not let me ride one of those enclosed slides at a water park yesterday because another kid had told her a week prior that someone fat had went down the slide, got stuck, broke the slide, and the body was never found. It was really hard to hear. It was clearly out of concern for my fat body getting stuck and not to be ugly. She even started crying and hugging me. So today I'm getting serious and getting healthy. I have known I needed to do it for a while, but I haven't been. I am breastfeeding and so I am always hungry, but I haven't been making smart decisions.
and now I'm a little depressed. But I'm going to try and keep motivated and positive because I know it will make me feel a lot better (and maybe next summer she will approve of me going down the slide). 0 -
well
I am wondering how this info was conveyed.
My better half loves to pinch my jiggle. (Now there is less of it he has to really try to find a place to pinch)
Sometimes I will get upset, but then I realize he is being palyful....and I pinch his jiggle right back.
Is your man saying thiese things with love?0 -
I hope he is a former BF.
Why? If your partner is supposed to be your best friend, shouldn't he/she be able to talk to you about your health? Providing that it was said with kindness and good intention, I don't see a problem.
Well, since she was 108 and he still thought she was fat I really don't see any way that could be loving.
That wasn't the OP. That was another poster and I wasn't referring to that post.
But the person you responded to was. Your comment might have been intended for the OP but you quoted someone who was addressing someone else. No biggie, it happens.
Not in her original post. He/she edited after the fact. I have like, 1,700 posts. I'm pretty sure I know how it works.0 -
Not in her original post. He/she edited after the fact. I have like, 1,700 posts. I'm pretty sure I know how it works.
Ah, I did not know they edited. My apologies, didn't mean to upset you.0 -
Yeah, I have been known to say that myself about my ex-- "Maybe what he really wanted was a MAN?" I say that because I know he would feel insulted at that. In truth, I do not believe he was attracted to males. I think what he really was attracted to was skinny females who were very toned and firm with no cellulite. I believe he viewed me as fat because my thighs/butt were fleshy and cellulite-laden, because size-wise I wasn't actually large at all at 129 pounds. In fact, he was absolutely shocked when one day I put on a pair of his little corduroy Ocean Pacific short shorts and zipped them up easily. He was just stunned. My taste runs to VERY thin men, firm but without muscle definition. I didn't think J.J. on "Good Times" was too thin at all! For myself, I don't want to be 95 pounds and model-thin. I do not want to look athletic or have any defined musculature. I want to be soft and slender but I like being a size 4 and I need to lose a few pounds so my size 4 jeans will fit better (I am 121 lbs.)-- but I do not want to be size 2.0
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Oh dear. My husband is 70 and weights 132 lbs, same as when he was 17. And could still wear the same trousers lol. But he has strong muscles and chops trees many days for our fires. He is fine boned just like the rest of his family
In 2005 I was an OZ size 24 and now Oz size 12. I was VERY sick and sad. He never wavered in helping me. to get fit.. He tells me I am still bigger than when I met him, yes an OZ size 8. We eat healthily and I train every morning0 -
My husband is gentle in the way he tells me about my weight-by suggesting that both of us get to the gym to get exercise or that we both eat healthier.
I'm hoping this was along the same lines. A lot of times it's hard to hear it from someone we love because maybe we've been thinking it for a long time, but hearing it out loud especially from our significant other...it makes it real somehow.0 -
Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?
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Can not be more agree NEVER SUCH GUY FOR Me I prefer little bit overweight than that0 -
Sugar Ray Leonard boxed at that height and weight for years. His contemporary, Thomas Hearns, boxed in the same weight class while being taller. I suspect both were perfectly capable of opening pickle jars and doing "manly stuff" (whatever that means) while they were at fighting weight.
Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?
Why is the attempt to body shame thinner folks any different/better than the attempt to body shame heavier ones?
My husband is slim and relatively muscular, along these lines. I assure you that he can open pickle jars, play with our kids, run for miles, lift heavy things, etc.
I don't appreciate shaming of either fat or thin people.
Not putting down any one Just sharing personal preference0 -
Hi! I suppose it depends on how he said it...0
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[/quote]Sugar Ray Leonard boxed at that height and weight for years. His contemporary, Thomas Hearns, boxed in the same weight class while being taller. I suspect both were perfectly capable of opening pickle jars and doing "manly stuff" (whatever that means) while they were at fighting weight.
Why is the attempt to body shame thinner folks any different/better than the attempt to body shame heavier ones?
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this.0 -
I appreciate his honesty, and it's helped me get on track. But I feel embarrassed and angry at myself and a little at him. Trying to sort this out in my head.
I hear you go through this myself with my husband. He didn't say anything I haven't said myself, but no one can hurt you more than someone you love. Also what he said was true, that doesn't make it any easier to swallow.0 -
When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
So what he wanted was a man that was built just like him.0 -
I just want to say that it is normal to have all of these mixed emotions about it. Of course you feel the way you do, it's only human. But, it also sounds like the conversation was honest, productive, and helpful. Take some time to feel your feelings and work with them, and keep up with your weight loss and fitness. In the end you will be glad that you had that talk and made the changes. And you will have a lot to enjoy during the process. Personally, I want my husband to tell me if he notices any weight gain, even just a couple pounds. I want to stay on track, not be in denial. My fitness is important to me.0
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My ex brought me a grill for my 28th birthday -_-. Well intended but um, yea. If your boyfriend said it in a respectful nice way, then just know he loves you and wants you to be healthy. If he said it in a nasty way, well still work on losing weight, starting with him.
Totally this!
It's all in the presentation and where it's coming from through him: His love and concern for you via his heart or his ego (or wherever) via hurtful words.
The thing is, you've got to want it to happen, too, or it won't. Good luck!0 -
My hubby jabs me also about my weight. I have tried everything you could think of but last August (almost a year) I had bariatric surgery. To be more specific I had the Vertical Sleeve performed. The process from start to finish was 6 months to do the appropriate tests and such to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. My Doctor recommended i loose 18 pounds before surgery (to show commitment) and with the help of this app i surpassed that goal and lost 25 ! Now from start to now I am down 110 lbs. I weigh less now than I did 15 years ago when I met my hubby. He still mentions to me about my weigh but not as much and it is more of a request not to over do it.. I just wanted to point out you have to do it for you and you alone first. Then after you make the choice you are gonna do it then you can do it for others!!!0
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What if he was really thinking the first but said the second?I guess it really depends on delivery. If he said something along the lines of "babe you're getting fat and I don't find that attractive" I'd be very hurt and upset. If he said something like "babe I've noticed that you haven't been as happy and active as usual and I'm becoming concerned" then no real reason to be upset.
I get that there's no need to go out of your to hurt someone, but burying your own feelings to avoid doing so isn't necessarily the pathway to happiness, either. Some things are going to hurt your feelings.
"I guess it really depends on delivery. If he said something along the lines of "babe you're getting fat and I don't find that attractive" I'd be very hurt and upset. If he said something like "babe I've noticed that you haven't been as happy and active as usual and I'm becoming concerned" then no real reason to be upset.
If you believe that he was just trying to be helpful and not hurtful then I'd just take it as a wake up call and move forward. If he was doing it to be hurtful then I'd speak up about it. But this is me and not you so do what you think is best for you."
Hence the second part about how do you believe he meant it. Also the part about this was me and that she should do what works for her.0 -
I think another factor in play with that ex of mine was, I think in many cases men who idealize their mothers may tend to be drawn to women of their mother's body type. He was Korean-American; his mother was TINY TINY TINY like many Asian women are. Compared to his mother, I guess I was indeed fat. He said to me one day, "You know? ALL your friends are FAT." The lesson I learned from all this was to never change to please anyone else, and that the people in my life will have to accept me as I am, because I am going to be how I choose to be.0
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Once while wearing my 'Birthday Suit' I asked my husband if it made me look big. He told me "Yep! And it needs an iron".
You can be glad yours doesn't need ironing :-)0 -
Once while wearing my 'Birthday Suit' I asked my husband if it made me look big. He told me "Yep! And it needs an iron".
You can be glad yours doesn't need ironing :-)
This is why I refuse to iron. If God sees fit to put wrinkles in my skin, why should I obsess about them in my clothes?0
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