My Name is Julie, and I'm an Alcoholic

ilyahna2014

I've never said this to anyone.

It's the reason I cannot succeed at dieting. I have these small bottles I hide in my purse that I know are 625 calories, (half pints) and when it gets bad, they're twice that size. Dexter nearly fell in love with his sponsor in his journey when she talked about her "dark passenger," I still I cry when I think of it. It's so true. it's an "other" thing. A clawing thing that wants to go through life with me that I don't know how to get rid of.

Funny thing? I'm a social worker. I was a hardcore drug addict. If it dissolved in a needle it went in my body. I found the boundary of life and death so many times, and I found that it was .... like some thought was pushing you back. LIke ... this can't be the end. I'm laying on the floor of a house in backwoods Tennessee with nothing but a man that doesn't give a **** about me and can't feel my limbs, can't speak, can't move. Can feel nothing but my spirit. It was some dark, empty thing that didn't wan to go yet, for some reason.I went to school to be a social worker because i *know* what rock bottom is.

I think I'm getting close that again.

I've had generalized anxiety disorder and major depression all my life. I remember symptoms when I was six. I got hives from stress. They accused my parents of abusing me, which they never did. Depression is so much a part of my life I have no other idea of how to live. I have medications that moderate it now (Viibryrd) but I seem to be a rare case.

I am a prey animal. I was taught by an anxious abused woman to fear people. I do. I fear traffic, I fear relationships, I fear co-workers,....some days I feel more at home with my clients.

I can't do this anymore. I have to stop drinking. My boyfriend has been very supportive, and but is fed up with my lying, amd there's a time stamp on it with making an effort now. I have to go to AA. I am so ****ing scared. I'm scared I'll fail and I'll cause others to relapse because I'm a failure.

I've been to therapy. The only thing that ever helped me was a DBT class that I got kicked out of because my county would pay for my psychiatric meds, but not the help I really need.

Please, please, if there are any people here that are going through this, you are not alone. Please friend me.

Mgypsygirl

You must not stop trying to get better-search for the right therapist and a supportive group with people in different stages of recovery. You deserve to be happy and the people who love you deserve to have you in their lives. Being a social worker is hard work for emotionally healthy people so I can only imagine the kind of trauma you are experiencing every day. Stop lying to those who love you so they can help you find the right treatment plan and be your support system. My dad died an alcoholic drug induced death. I miss him everyday. If you became a social worker and you survived your mom then you are strong enough to get better-you just need to learn new tools and learn how to feel again. Good luck-don't give up!

MyChocolateDiet

Oh I thought this was about someone else...

...and...

...someone else. Wow. The resemblances are quite striking...

sorry...for all the ellipses....hope that...doesn't bother...anyone....too much....

ilyahna2014

*crying hug*

ilyahna2014

My other social worker friend told me to make sure to use the knife where people wouldn't see the scars. Sad, huh?

LITtlerMeCO

I might not be much help but a friend of mine is seeing a therapist-in-training who is getting their practicum training and when they looked at her income she is not being charged (this in Colorado). Are you near a place that would offer this?

caesar164

Wow! Is it really that difficult to stop drinking? Are you still doing drugs? If you were able to stop the drugs then you should be able to stop drinking... I Wish you the best. Just try to replace that habit with a good one. I had my problems in the past, I'm now addicted to the gym! It replaced all the bad habits...

touslesmemes

I've never said this to anyone.

It's the reason I cannot succeed at dieting. I have these small bottles I hide in my purse that I know are 625 calories, (half pints) and when it gets bad, they're twice that size. Dexter nearly fell in love with his sponsor in his journey when she talked about her "dark passenger," I still I cry when I think of it. It's so true. it's an "other" thing. A clawing thing that wants to go through life with me that I don't know how to get rid of.

Funny thing? I'm a social worker. I was a hardcore drug addict. If it dissolved in a needle it went in my body. I found the boundary of life and death so many times, and I found that it was .... like some thought was pushing you back. LIke ... this can't be the end. I'm laying on the floor of a house in backwoods Tennessee with nothing but a man that doesn't give a **** about me and can't feel my limbs, can't speak, can't move. Can feel nothing but my spirit. It was some dark, empty thing that didn't wan to go yet, for some reason.I went to school to be a social worker because i *know* what rock bottom is.

I think I'm getting close that again.

I've had generalized anxiety disorder and major depression all my life. I remember symptoms when I was six. I got hives from stress. They accused my parents of abusing me, which they never did. Depression is so much a part of my life I have no other idea of how to live. I have medications that moderate it now (Viibryrd) but I seem to be a rare case.

I am a prey animal. I was taught by an anxious abused woman to fear people. I do. I fear traffic, I fear relationships, I fear co-workers,....some days I feel more at home with my clients.

I can't do this anymore. I have to stop drinking. My boyfriend has been very supportive, and but is fed up with my lying, amd there's a time stamp on it with making an effort now. I have to go to AA. I am so ****ing scared. I'm scared I'll fail and I'll cause others to relapse because I'm a failure.

I've been to therapy. The only thing that ever helped me was a DBT class that I got kicked out of because my county would pay for my psychiatric meds, but not the help I really need.

Please, please, if there are any people here that are going through this, you are not alone. Please friend me.

bump.

BinaryPulsar

What about going into rehab, inpatient. Is there a way to do that (what if you are suicidal..they may cover it).

belle_of_the_bar

My other social worker friend told me to make sure to use the knife where people wouldn't see the scars. Sad, huh?

Borderline personality much? You have to choose to do better for yourself, which you've done before. I'm far from "better" but I've come a long way from where I was, and all I can say is get through the first day. Use the growth of that number of days to feed that other thing inside you. Mine is at 4 years, but its still hard sometimes. You can do it though.

SaraP914

Wow! Is it really that difficult to stop drinking? Are you still doing drugs? If you were able to stop the drugs then you should be able to stop drinking... I Wish you the best. Just try to replace that habit with a good one. I had my problems in the past, I'm now addicted to the gym! It replaced all the bad habits...

Yes, it can be that difficult to stop drinking.

BinaryPulsar

I might not be much help but a friend of mine is seeing a therapist-in-training who is getting their practicum training and when they looked at her income she is not being charged (this in Colorado). Are you near a place that would offer this?

This is a good idea!!!

Mgypsygirl

When you work in the mental health field it is easy to become jaded and I hope you do not take her advice. Many social workers struggle with depression, substance use, and past trauma. Find help from someone in a neighboring community as it can be hard to ask for help when you are worried about what other professionals you work with might think. Find people who have been in your shoes and know healthy ways to cope. It's ok to stop helping others while you heal. Find hope in small successes, take baby steps, don't expect perfection! Do one thing to change and don't give up if it does not work, just try something else.:)

SaraP914

Rehab may be a good option. Detoxing off of alcohol can be dangerous, depending on amount, frequency and length of time drinking. Medical professionals can provide medications to help with potentially dangerous effects of detox and supervision in a clinical setting is a great idea, IMO. Best of luck!

One day at a time.

conniekat8

Opening up to people is always very scary and unnerving when you always expect rejection - I know that first hand. I think you know that the flip side of not opening up is that we get all these pent up feelings that at some point get over the top and are uncontrollable by the time they get that far.
The nice thing about going way outside our comfort zone and opening up more is that there are rewards. It is great that you are reaching out in here.
Also, being a social worker, sometimes the caretakers are the worst at taking care of ourselves... and you know where not getting your normal needs leads to....
It's OK, it;s a journey, getting our normal but pent up needs met in more constructive ways, and there are a lot of scary moments, but there are some wonderful payoffs too.

luvopera

My name is Kris. I am not an alcoholic, but I do have addictions. Serious ones. And I belong to a 12 step program to help with that. My addiction is not the same as yours but I do understand the itch under your skin, crawl to get the fix, I need it NOW or I won't be able to function feeling. I remember seeing a bumpter sticker once that said, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you." My "sin" is different than yours but I understand the craving.

It is possible. Really it is. It is possible to get sober and clean and healthy. Yep, it is. Will you be perfect? Heck no, so get that out of your mind. Will you even be semi-perfect? Nope. If your journey is anything like mine, you will slip and slide into progress.

A word of advice from someone who knows--get a sponsor right away. Find someone who will call you on your BS.

This is your journey. You can do it. I know you can, because I did. And I'm the biggest idiot on the planet.

Mgypsygirl

You are an inspiration-great post!

Madame_Goldbricker

I work alongside a few people who have overcome substance & alcohol misuse previously. Some of them have relapsed and are now working on the 2nd or 3rd time round of sobriety/staying clean. I can imagine its not an easy road & the struggles are numerous.

However, you deserve to seek help for yourself & the service users you engage with. Its not fair on anyone involved to continue as you are. If you're keeping alcohol on you to drink during the day at work its presumably only a matter of time till that comes to light. You're putting both yourself & others at risk.

This is something you seriously need to address asap. Join AA, get a sponsor/or & speak to your line manger. I don't want to sound awful but the bottom line is you're working with vulnerable people (yes its a hard job) & they also deserve someone whose able to offer them a standard of service that isn't compromised.

Seek help & support OP. Good luck.

EngineerPrincess

Go to AA every week, no excuses, don't think too hard about going and just do it, that way you won't psych yourself out first. Find someone to help you there. I have multiple friends and family members that have had full recoveries from rock bottom as well. Don't tell yourself that you're an incurable extreme case. You've been down on luck but a lot of people have come back from this or worse. Good luck, you're not alone!

Gidzmo

Wow! Is it really that difficult to stop drinking? Are you still doing drugs? If you were able to stop the drugs then you should be able to stop drinking... I Wish you the best. Just try to replace that habit with a good one. I had my problems in the past, I'm now addicted to the gym! It replaced all the bad habits...

It IS difficult to stop drinking and/or drugs. And difficult to stop smoking (I've seen people quit smoking in my family).

Maybe it wasn't difficult for YOU, but it is for the OP.

arguablysamson

I've never said this to anyone.

It's the reason I cannot succeed at dieting. I have these small bottles I hide in my purse that I know are 625 calories, (half pints) and when it gets bad, they're twice that size. Dexter nearly fell in love with his sponsor in his journey when she talked about her "dark passenger," I still I cry when I think of it. It's so true. it's an "other" thing. A clawing thing that wants to go through life with me that I don't know how to get rid of.

Funny thing? I'm a social worker. I was a hardcore drug addict. If it dissolved in a needle it went in my body. I found the boundary of life and death so many times, and I found that it was .... like some thought was pushing you back. LIke ... this can't be the end. I'm laying on the floor of a house in backwoods Tennessee with nothing but a man that doesn't give a **** about me and can't feel my limbs, can't speak, can't move. Can feel nothing but my spirit. It was some dark, empty thing that didn't wan to go yet, for some reason.I went to school to be a social worker because i *know* what rock bottom is.

I think I'm getting close that again.

I've had generalized anxiety disorder and major depression all my life. I remember symptoms when I was six. I got hives from stress. They accused my parents of abusing me, which they never did. Depression is so much a part of my life I have no other idea of how to live. I have medications that moderate it now (Viibryrd) but I seem to be a rare case.

I am a prey animal. I was taught by an anxious abused woman to fear people. I do. I fear traffic, I fear relationships, I fear co-workers,....some days I feel more at home with my clients.

I can't do this anymore. I have to stop drinking. My boyfriend has been very supportive, and but is fed up with my lying, amd there's a time stamp on it with making an effort now. I have to go to AA. I am so ****ing scared. I'm scared I'll fail and I'll cause others to relapse because I'm a failure.

I've been to therapy. The only thing that ever helped me was a DBT class that I got kicked out of because my county would pay for my psychiatric meds, but not the help I really need.

Please, please, if there are any people here that are going through this, you are not alone. Please friend me.

You already know how to help yourself. But here you are, making a post for attention and garnering sympathy which you believe is the support needed to change. It won't work. You will fail like before. Nothing will change unless you change it. Things will always be as they have been because you aren't yet ready to make the changes to take you in a new direction. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being immature. That is what you are doing. These "meetings" become addicting and pretty soon, you start to feed on how everyone reacts to you and their "needing" your returned support. It's a vicious cycle of selfishness.

Having known close family members who have been and are drug addicts/alcoholics, the root problem here is a lack of self-worth--that and a selfish imbalance stemming from a serious lack of psychological development. For whatever reason, you never learned that life isn't about you, that it's not about being praised or condemned. It just...is. You fit into it; it doesn't fit into you; you MAKE it; it doesn't make you. You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.

You will always be an addict, yes, but you can decide it is time to stop the cycle and move on. You can learn to kick the *kitten* of your problems and decide to live life as an alpha when you realize just how silly you are being from throwing up the "woe is me!' sentiments. Step back and look at how everything in your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it that weight loss, psychological instability, AND drug-use are all washing up on your shores? It's because, for one reason or another, you never learned to function, to reason, to sacrifice, or to process feelings as you needed to. It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are (a lot of us share or have shared the same struggles). What matters is that you aren't done learning yet, which is why it is time to affect those much-needed changes.

In your mind, you are at the center of your own universe, but instead, you should view yourself like a heart or a lung, or perhaps just a blood cell--a small part of a greater whole that can be made to function better when you do your part (instead of justifying why you fail and refuse to move forward).

Skinner said that depression is just the inability to construct a future. That means, we should always be planning and moving forward, if only in some small way. Never revel in failures because when you get back up and keep moving forward perpetually, the odds of your finally winning become so stacked in your favor that you basically can't lose.

I know this has sounded harsh, but I hope you will consider these words.