My Name is Julie, and I'm an Alcoholic

DSTMT

I am a prey animal. I was taught by an anxious abused woman to fear people. I do. I fear traffic, I fear relationships, I fear co-workers,...

I can completely relate to this. I also have a degree in social work but have never practiced because well...I have social anxiety and fear people. Not very well planned on my part. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, I hope you find the help you need and get better!

Aemely

I can't speak to the issues, but shame on the people that talked down to the OP. :grumble:

I had to look up DBT: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy .

The more you know!

runningagainstmyself

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name.

This is ignorant. I have a severe mental illness, and I assure you it doesn't belong in quotes. People who suffer from mental illnesses are not weak. People who suffer from mental illnesses often need medical intervention. People use substances to self-medicate to try and stop the agony. The mentally ill don't need lectures about victimhood or bootstrapping. Yes, it takes will power to get on the recovered road, but if there's a mental illness that needs to be addressed, getting sober is only part of the process.

+1, as someone who suffers from and lives with depression, and not "depression" -- it is a mental illness, not a "term to empower failure".

BinaryPulsar

Im sure she became a social worker to help other people. When you have been through hard times; it is rewarding to help others in their strugles. It is a way to turn a negative into a positive to help others. I dont see how anyone could say it is selfish and that it is to help themselfs. I thought this forum was to help people; not kick them while they are down.

No no no, that's not at all what I said or meant. I also wasn't refering to her specifically.

I meant that sometimes people that have suffered are drawn to the helping profession. But, they need to help themselves first. And ongoing.

Some helping professionals can do more harm than good. Not intentionally.

Sorry for the major misunderstanding.

DSTMT

Im sure she became a social worker to help other people. When you have been through hard times; it is rewarding to help others in their strugles. It is a way to turn a negative into a positive to help others. I dont see how anyone could say it is selfish and that it is to help themselfs. I thought this forum was to help people; not kick them while they are down.

No no no, that's not at all what I said or meant. I also wasn't refering to her specifically.

I meant that sometimes people that have suffered are drawn to the helping profession. But, they need to help themselves first. And ongoing.

Some helping professionals can do more harm than good. Not intentionally.

Sorry for the major misunderstanding.

For what it's worth I know what you're getting at...for me, a lot of the reason I didn't end up practicing social work is because I didn't feel mentally healthy enough to be advising other people on how to become mentally healthy. I wanted to help people with their suffering because I had experienced suffering, but school didn't give me the answers I thought it would, so I had to reconsider at the end.

I probably could have faked it despite the social anxiety if I'd felt competent counseling people, but I didn't feel "fixed" and so didn't want to present myself as someone who knew what they were doing lol. A lot of other women in my class had also experienced suffering, but by the end of the program felt they'd overcome it enough to practice and help other people through theirs. It's all individual experiences, but it is something that has to be addressed and it does exist.

BinaryPulsar

I have also been through abuse and because of that I have been able to help a lot of people. But, I have also been aware of things that concern me.

ilyahna2014

It's ok. Don't think any more about it. * hug* For reals.

Meerataila

You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

Fairly amusing, this part. You live in the same rabidly individualistic, capitalist, self-centered, and predatory society as I do. I owe it exactly what it claims to owe me: nothing. And in the spirit of corporate people everywhere, I'm here to take what I can get from it.

ilyahna2014

I work alongside a few people who have overcome substance & alcohol misuse previously. Some of them have relapsed and are now working on the 2nd or 3rd time round of sobriety/staying clean. I can imagine its not an easy road & the struggles are numerous.

However, you deserve to seek help for yourself & the service users you engage with. Its not fair on anyone involved to continue as you are. If you're keeping alcohol on you to drink during the day at work its presumably only a matter of time till that comes to light. You're putting both yourself & others at risk.

This is something you seriously need to address asap. Join AA, get a sponsor/or & speak to your line manger. I don't want to sound awful but the bottom line is you're working with vulnerable people (yes its a hard job) & they also deserve someone whose able to offer them a standard of service that isn't compromised.

Seek help & support OP. Good luck.

Never in the job. At night only.

ilyahna2014

You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

Fairly amusing, this part. You live in the same rabidly individualistic, capitalist, self-centered, and predatory society as I do. I owe it exactly what it claims to owe me: nothing. And in the spirit of corporate people everywhere, I'm here to take what I can get from it.

I think social workers fall somewhere in middle of that.

Meerataila

You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

Fairly amusing, this part. You live in the same rabidly individualistic, capitalist, self-centered, and predatory society as I do. I owe it exactly what it claims to owe me: nothing. And in the spirit of corporate people everywhere, I'm here to take what I can get from it.

I think social workers fall somewhere in middle of that.

There are some very good, caring people, even in this sick society. Social Workers among them. Maybe there is even a CEO or two out there who isn't a complete sociopath (he or she will probably fail, though, because society is set up to reward the ruthless).

Regardless, some of the cruelty in this thread turns my stomach.

freddi11e

You already know how to help yourself. But here you are, making a post for attention and garnering sympathy which you believe is the support needed to change. It won't work. You will fail like before. Nothing will change unless you change it. Things will always be as they have been because you aren't yet ready to make the changes to take you in a new direction. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being immature. That is what you are doing. These "meetings" become addicting and pretty soon, you start to feed on how everyone reacts to you and their "needing" your returned support. It's a vicious cycle of selfishness.

Having known close family members who have been and are drug addicts/alcoholics, the root problem here is a lack of self-worth--that and a selfish imbalance stemming from a serious lack of psychological development. For whatever reason, you never learned that life isn't about you, that it's not about being praised or condemned. It just...is. You fit into it; it doesn't fit into you; you MAKE it; it doesn't make you. You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.

You will always be an addict, yes, but you can decide it is time to stop the cycle and move on. You can learn to kick the *kitten* of your problems and decide to live life as an alpha when you realize just how silly you are being from throwing up the "woe is me!' sentiments. Step back and look at how everything in your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it that weight loss, psychological instability, AND drug-use are all washing up on your shores? It's because, for one reason or another, you never learned to function, to reason, to sacrifice, or to process feelings as you needed to. It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are (a lot of us share or have shared the same struggles). What matters is that you aren't done learning yet, which is why it is time to affect those much-needed changes.

In your mind, you are at the center of your own universe, but instead, you should view yourself like a heart or a lung, or perhaps just a blood cell--a small part of a greater whole that can be made to function better when you do your part (instead of justifying why you fail and refuse to move forward).

Skinner said that depression is just the inability to construct a future. That means, we should always be planning and moving forward, if only in some small way. Never revel in failures because when you get back up and keep moving forward perpetually, the odds of your finally winning become so stacked in your favor that you basically can't lose.

I know this has sounded harsh, but I hope you will consider these words.

love this

BinaryPulsar

It's ok. Don't think any more about it. * hug* For reals.

Hugs!

NoxDineen

Wow! Is it really that difficult to stop drinking? Are you still doing drugs? If you were able to stop the drugs then you should be able to stop drinking... I Wish you the best. Just try to replace that habit with a good one. I had my problems in the past, I'm now addicted to the gym! It replaced all the bad habits...

I'm certain you didn't mean to sound unsympathetic. It really can be profoundly difficult to quit drinking.

To the OP, admitting the problem really is the first step. I've struggled with alcohol for years, and am currently in my 4th week of total sobriety. I've tried to quit before and failed, but what feels different this time is that I've been very vocal to people in all areas of my life about the fact that I now do not drink. I have explicitly declined invitations to events and told the friends in question I had to skip it because not drinking would be too hard. So far every person has responded with love, and with support.

If you're worried about the stigma of saying you're an alcoholic to your friends and family consider telling them you're not going to drink at all as part of an intense fitness/nutrition program. However you phrase it, tell the people in your life you are officially not drinking. At all. Some sort of in patient treatment for at least the first week or two is worth considering, and from the sound of it you should absolutely be seeing a therapist. (That is not a judgment of you in any way, but really quitting is hard.)

If you're goal driven try the Seinfeld technique. Put a wall calendar up and make big red X every night when you make it a day without drinking. It seems silly but after a few days the chain of Xs can become a source of pride and proof that you are able to do it.

Please feel free to message me, I would be happy to give you any and all the support I can.

dakotababy

To the woman that suggested social workers become social workers to "solve their own problems," you're just ****ing nuts. People generally become social agents of some kind because they have had pain in their life or mental illness in their past or current (and are managing it) which ay many times in my past I have also. Things got bad for when I let alcohol take over to "band aid" my loss of therapy. And also, GENIUS, therapists at many agencies REQUIRE to attend weekly sessions because it's a HARD JOB.

And it ain't about the money.

As an addiction counsellor, who has been in the field and worked with numerous co-workers, I actually strongly disagree. THAT is not to say there are excellent counsellors who know their ****, and know when to step back, but there are A LOT of therapists that do not. MOST of the people I have worked with, should not be working in the field.

NoxDineen

You already know how to help yourself. But here you are, making a post for attention and garnering sympathy which you believe is the support needed to change. It won't work. You will fail like before. Nothing will change unless you change it. Things will always be as they have been because you aren't yet ready to make the changes to take you in a new direction. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being immature. That is what you are doing. These "meetings" become addicting and pretty soon, you start to feed on how everyone reacts to you and their "needing" your returned support. It's a vicious cycle of selfishness.

Having known close family members who have been and are drug addicts/alcoholics, the root problem here is a lack of self-worth--that and a selfish imbalance stemming from a serious lack of psychological development. For whatever reason, you never learned that life isn't about you, that it's not about being praised or condemned. It just...is. You fit into it; it doesn't fit into you; you MAKE it; it doesn't make you. You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.

You will always be an addict, yes, but you can decide it is time to stop the cycle and move on. You can learn to kick the *kitten* of your problems and decide to live life as an alpha when you realize just how silly you are being from throwing up the "woe is me!' sentiments. Step back and look at how everything in your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it that weight loss, psychological instability, AND drug-use are all washing up on your shores? It's because, for one reason or another, you never learned to function, to reason, to sacrifice, or to process feelings as you needed to. It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are (a lot of us share or have shared the same struggles). What matters is that you aren't done learning yet, which is why it is time to affect those much-needed changes.

In your mind, you are at the center of your own universe, but instead, you should view yourself like a heart or a lung, or perhaps just a blood cell--a small part of a greater whole that can be made to function better when you do your part (instead of justifying why you fail and refuse to move forward).

Skinner said that depression is just the inability to construct a future. That means, we should always be planning and moving forward, if only in some small way. Never revel in failures because when you get back up and keep moving forward perpetually, the odds of your finally winning become so stacked in your favor that you basically can't lose.

I know this has sounded harsh, but I hope you will consider these words.

It looks like you forgot to mention your qualifications to make sweeping statements about addiction and mental health that are in opposition with what many doctors, psychiatrists, neuroscientists and psychologists accept. I'm sure you have some though, and simply forgot that failing to bring them up to validate your comments would just make you look like an ignorant *kitten*.

Could you clarify your professional or academic qualifications and cite some reputable scientific studies to support your claims? Are you a psychiatrist? Maybe a medical anthropologist with a cross cultural background in mental disorders and treatment? As a PhD student I have access to virtually any scholarly journal so don't worry about a paywall keeping me from reading the research you've based your statements on. Don't worry about advanced neuropharmacology going over my head, as luck would have it my boyfriend is a neuroscience PhD so he can talk me through the really specialized stuff.

Meerataila

It looks like you forgot to mention your qualifications to make sweeping statements about addiction and mental health that are in opposition with what many doctors, psychiatrists, neuroscientists and psychologists accept. I'm sure you have some though, and simply forgot that failing to bring them up to validate your comments would just make you look like an ignorant *kitten*.

Could you clarify your professional or academic qualifications and cite some reputable scientific studies to support your claims? Are you a psychiatrist? Maybe a medical anthropologist with a cross cultural background in mental disorders and treatment? As a PhD student I have access to virtually any scholarly journal so don't worry about a paywall keeping me from reading the research you've based your statements on. Don't worry about advanced neuropharmacology going over my head, as luck would have it my boyfriend is a neuroscience PhD so he can talk me through the really specialized stuff.

What, are you saying a degree in personal responsibility and hypocrisy as taught by Rush Limbaugh doesn't count? :laugh:

oedipa_maas

It looks like you forgot to mention your qualifications to make sweeping statements about addiction and mental health that are in opposition with what many doctors, psychiatrists, neuroscientists and psychologists accept. I'm sure you have some though, and simply forgot that failing to bring them up to validate your comments would just make you look like an ignorant *kitten*.

Could you clarify your professional or academic qualifications and cite some reputable scientific studies to support your claims? Are you a psychiatrist? Maybe a medical anthropologist with a cross cultural background in mental disorders and treatment? As a PhD student I have access to virtually any scholarly journal so don't worry about a paywall keeping me from reading the research you've based your statements on. Don't worry about advanced neuropharmacology going over my head, as luck would have it my boyfriend is a neuroscience PhD so he can talk me through the really specialized stuff.

THANK YOU.

kirili3

Best of luck to you on your journey.

I think it's important to have a growth mindset. Every attempt, even if there is failure, is a learning experience. Every attempt is progress. So don't think about recovery in all or nothing terms and intimidate yourself.

ilyahna2014

You already know how to help yourself. But here you are, making a post for attention and garnering sympathy which you believe is the support needed to change. It won't work. You will fail like before. Nothing will change unless you change it. Things will always be as they have been because you aren't yet ready to make the changes to take you in a new direction. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being immature. That is what you are doing. These "meetings" become addicting and pretty soon, you start to feed on how everyone reacts to you and their "needing" your returned support. It's a vicious cycle of selfishness.

Having known close family members who have been and are drug addicts/alcoholics, the root problem here is a lack of self-worth--that and a selfish imbalance stemming from a serious lack of psychological development. For whatever reason, you never learned that life isn't about you, that it's not about being praised or condemned. It just...is. You fit into it; it doesn't fit into you; you MAKE it; it doesn't make you. You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.

You will always be an addict, yes, but you can decide it is time to stop the cycle and move on. You can learn to kick the *kitten* of your problems and decide to live life as an alpha when you realize just how silly you are being from throwing up the "woe is me!' sentiments. Step back and look at how everything in your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it that weight loss, psychological instability, AND drug-use are all washing up on your shores? It's because, for one reason or another, you never learned to function, to reason, to sacrifice, or to process feelings as you needed to. It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are (a lot of us share or have shared the same struggles). What matters is that you aren't done learning yet, which is why it is time to affect those much-needed changes.

In your mind, you are at the center of your own universe, but instead, you should view yourself like a heart or a lung, or perhaps just a blood cell--a small part of a greater whole that can be made to function better when you do your part (instead of justifying why you fail and refuse to move forward).

Skinner said that depression is just the inability to construct a future. That means, we should always be planning and moving forward, if only in some small way. Never revel in failures because when you get back up and keep moving forward perpetually, the odds of your finally winning become so stacked in your favor that you basically can't lose.

I know this has sounded harsh, but I hope you will consider these words.

It looks like you forgot to mention your qualifications to make sweeping statements about addiction and mental health that are in opposition with what many doctors, psychiatrists, neuroscientists and psychologists accept. I'm sure you have some though, and simply forgot that failing to bring them up to validate your comments would just make you look like an ignorant *kitten*.

Could you clarify your professional or academic qualifications and cite some reputable scientific studies to support your claims? Are you a psychiatrist? Maybe a medical anthropologist with a cross cultural background in mental disorders and treatment? As a PhD student I have access to virtually any scholarly journal so don't worry about a paywall keeping me from reading the research you've based your statements on. Don't worry about advanced neuropharmacology going over my head, as luck would have it my boyfriend is a neuroscience PhD so he can talk me through the really specialized stuff.

lol! +1

These_goto_11

You already know how to help yourself. But here you are, making a post for attention and garnering sympathy which you believe is the support needed to change. It won't work. You will fail like before. Nothing will change unless you change it. Things will always be as they have been because you aren't yet ready to make the changes to take you in a new direction. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being immature. That is what you are doing. These "meetings" become addicting and pretty soon, you start to feed on how everyone reacts to you and their "needing" your returned support. It's a vicious cycle of selfishness.

Having known close family members who have been and are drug addicts/alcoholics, the root problem here is a lack of self-worth--that and a selfish imbalance stemming from a serious lack of psychological development. For whatever reason, you never learned that life isn't about you, that it's not about being praised or condemned. It just...is. You fit into it; it doesn't fit into you; you MAKE it; it doesn't make you. You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.

The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.

You will always be an addict, yes, but you can decide it is time to stop the cycle and move on. You can learn to kick the *kitten* of your problems and decide to live life as an alpha when you realize just how silly you are being from throwing up the "woe is me!' sentiments. Step back and look at how everything in your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it that weight loss, psychological instability, AND drug-use are all washing up on your shores? It's because, for one reason or another, you never learned to function, to reason, to sacrifice, or to process feelings as you needed to. It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are (a lot of us share or have shared the same struggles). What matters is that you aren't done learning yet, which is why it is time to affect those much-needed changes.

In your mind, you are at the center of your own universe, but instead, you should view yourself like a heart or a lung, or perhaps just a blood cell--a small part of a greater whole that can be made to function better when you do your part (instead of justifying why you fail and refuse to move forward).

Skinner said that depression is just the inability to construct a future. That means, we should always be planning and moving forward, if only in some small way. Never revel in failures because when you get back up and keep moving forward perpetually, the odds of your finally winning become so stacked in your favor that you basically can't lose.

I know this has sounded harsh, but I hope you will consider these words.

love this

Me, too.

Suit Up.

DSTMT

It looks like you forgot to mention your qualifications to make sweeping statements about addiction and mental health that are in opposition with what many doctors, psychiatrists, neuroscientists and psychologists accept. I'm sure you have some though, and simply forgot that failing to bring them up to validate your comments would just make you look like an ignorant *kitten*.

Could you clarify your professional or academic qualifications and cite some reputable scientific studies to support your claims? Are you a psychiatrist? Maybe a medical anthropologist with a cross cultural background in mental disorders and treatment? As a PhD student I have access to virtually any scholarly journal so don't worry about a paywall keeping me from reading the research you've based your statements on. Don't worry about advanced neuropharmacology going over my head, as luck would have it my boyfriend is a neuroscience PhD so he can talk me through the really specialized stuff.

What, are you saying a degree in personal responsibility and hypocrisy as taught by Rush Limbaugh doesn't count? :laugh:

:laugh: :laugh: funny he never came back to provide any clarification of his qualifications lol it's almost like he was just pulling it all out of his *kitten* or something. Oh wait, that's exactly what he was doing.

ilyahna2014

I, the OP, am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow. I called family and friends and enlisted my partner to hold me accountable. It all started with this thread.

Originally, this thread was never intended to solicit lectures on my wayward behavior, my poor choice of career, my devotion to my clients, or anything remotely like that.

I wanted to let others know that if they struggled with something similar (and it IS a burden to a healthy life plan, for MANY reasons) I'm reaching out to hold your hand if you will hold mine too.

Thanks for the solid support that I saw here.

And this is all in addition to my long term professional help (needed more since my father's cancer) that I have also been receiving, and am willing to discuss with anyone else needing a helping hand in such times.

darrensurrey

OPer, I'm pleased to hear you're seeking professional help.

sorry...for all the ellipses....hope that...doesn't bother...anyone....too much....

It's ok... I've seen... the whole of... series 1 of... Star Trek.

ilyahna2014

OPer, I'm pleased to hear you're seeking professional help.

sorry...for all the ellipses....hope that...doesn't bother...anyone....too much....

It's ok... I've seen... the whole of... series 1 of... Star Trek.

Kirk Gif from Family Guy or it didn't happen.

schmanciepants

OP....good job for going! I personally saw firsthand how devastating alcoholism can become if allowed to get worse (and as a progressive disease, it always does). Recovery is not easy, but will be worth it!

That said, also from my firsthand observations, depending on how much you are drinking daily, it may be a good idea to talk to a doctor, since detoxing can be dangerous without medical observation. I have seen seizures and hallucinations happen, so please be careful.

Good luck!

BinaryPulsar

OP....good job for going! I personally saw firsthand how devastating alcoholism can become if allowed to get worse (and as a progressive disease, it always does). Recovery is not easy, but will be worth it!

That said, also from my firsthand observations, depending on how much you are drinking daily, it may be a good idea to talk to a doctor, since detoxing can be dangerous without medical observation. I have seen seizures and hallucinations happen, so please be careful.

Good luck!

I agree with this! I have also seen it in my family.

I'm proud of you, Op. You have our support.

Unknown

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